Mother child bonding

[trevorlover]

My BPD daughter has just informed me that she feels no emotional bond to me as her mother.  That she just never bonded with me.  I'm working really hard to understand her illness but this part I just don't get.  Does anyone have any knowledge or experience with this.  I think that she may just be trying to hurt me.  It is hard to know what her motives are.

Any info is appreciated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kwamina]

Hi trevorlover ,

BPD is a difficult disorder and the things our BPD loved ones say can be quite hurtful indeed. I understand why just don't get your daughter saying this to you. It might help to keep in mind that the words and actions of people with BPD, often aren't a true reflection of who you really are at all. Odds are that your daughter is projecting her own inner turmoil and negativity onto you. Has she ever said something like this to you before?

How old is your daughter and has she been officially diagnosed with BPD? Is she perhaps getting targeted therapy for her BPD?

[lbjnltx]

Hello trevorlover,



We are glad to have you here with us.

Wow!  That is difficult to hear as a mom.  Is this your only child?  How old is she?

My daughter, dx w/traits of BPD at 12 years old often told me she didn't love me and I didn't love her.  People who suffer with BPD have chronic feelings of emptiness... .perhaps this is where they feel the void of a loving attachment.

Once my daughter went through intense inpatient long term treatment and discovered a sense of self she no longer believed that she didn't love me and she grew to trust that I love her.  Today she no longer meets the criteria for the disorder and our relationship is very good.

Understanding the system of beliefs from which a person with BPD bases their thoughts and actions  can really help define:

Our roles in their lives

What we can do to support them

What we can avoid to preserve the relationship

How to communicate with them most beneficially

How we are to take care of ourselves

While this disorder is highly individualized in presentation from one person to the next there are basic similarities across the spectrum.  

If you haven't already... .please take a look at this information Lesson 1. Be aware of the emotional limitations of BPD  There are workshops, articles and videos in this Lesson that can help you better understand the disorder and how it affects your daughter.

Let us know if you have any questions we can help answer or give perspective on.

lbjnltx

[enlighten me]

This doesnt suprise me. It is something ive been pondering for a while. I dont feel that pwBPD do form bonds the same as nons. Theres evidence showing smaller hyperthalumus in pwBPD. This is where the hormone oxytocin is released which is the bonding hormone. If this function is reduced then it makes sense that they dont bond even with their mother.

[livednlearned]

Hi trevorlover,

That must sting to hear, and I can understand why you would want answers, to know whether this was true or not. It would be unusual to not feel pain upon hearing our children say this.

How do you respond when she tells you she feels no bond?

[trevorlover]

Thanks to all of you for your responses.  I have been having a hard time figuring out how this site works.  Sorry it took so long for me to respond.  My daughter is 45 years old and did not really become full blown until she went on a meth binge about 10 years ago.  Since then she has been recovering and has been sober for 6 years.  Our communication has not been a lot and I took over responsibility for helping her exhusband raise her children after she went "off the deep end."  I believe she has been diagnosed but she does not tell me everything as our contact is still limited.  I am working very hard to not be angry with her and be as validating as I possibly can be.  I see a very small shift in her attitude toward me and I believe she is working hard at her mental health issues so I am finally believing that maybe there is hope.  I appreciate any and all advice you have to offer.  I'll be checking in more frequently as I continue on my own path of recovery from the trauma.  Thank you once again.

[lbjnltx]

Hi trevorlover,

Good to see you back again!

I'm glad to learn that your daughter has been able to overcome her addiction and remain sober for 6 years.  That is quite an accomplishment for someone with BPD!

How does your d45 feel about you helping her ex with the children?  Is it a point of contention between you? Does she see the children? How old are the children?

Small shifts in attitude (sometimes call tlc's 'tiny little changes' here on the site) are important as they can tell us what we are doing right so that we can do more of it.  :)o you believe this tlc is due to your validating her?  What can you do or think you can do to keep this ball rolling in the right direction?

To the right side of your screen is a list of Tools, Lessons, and important information that will be of great value to you on your journey.(scroll up).  You need only move your cursor over the text and click to take you to this information.

At the bottom of this side bar is a link called "frequently asked technical information"... .that can help with navigating this site.

I look forward to your reply so that I can get a better overall understanding of your situation and offer more support.

lbj

[trevorlover]

Thank you for your interest and support.  I believe the tlc I have seen are probably absolutely a result of my learning to validate.  For the first time ever I found myself responding from a deeper, kinder place.  Instead of being angry, accusing, defending or explaining, I just thought... ."WOW, she is in so much pain."  and I started responding with things like... .  "You are right.  That is true.  I hear you. and I understand."  She had become very "dysregulated" (her word) and I just stayed with her and repeated the above until she finally started to balance out a little.  This was a telephone conversation as she lives in another state now.  She knows that I have helped to raise her children and I think she really has not wanted to acknowlege my role until just recently.  We did talk about it and it was one of the things that set her off.  She does see her children and regularly since she has been sober.  Her daughter is grown now at 21 and her son is 14 and they are both doing very well. 

I was really affected by her telling me first that I was the core origin of her trauma (apparently she has gone through some kind of trauma therapy) and that she had never bonded with me.  I think the bonding statement was probably a defense she took for having been "busted" when I overhead her speaking on a speaker phone and she did not know I could hear it.  She referenced me by my first name, and not as "mom", in a very cold way. 

After she told me there was no mother-daughter bond, I told her I would not be coming to her wedding in October as the supposed "mother of the bride" to be treated as an acquaintance while she called other women "mom."  She got very quiet and finally said I need to do what is right for me.

She is actually a very outgoing social person.  She is educated and recently earned herself a "Licensed addiction counsellor" title.  She seems to be doing very well in most aspects of her life... .but I think I am probably the last stretch for her and this is going to be hard for both of us.  She says, and I quote:

"Until I can get to a place where your attempts to define my existence from your perspective have no meaning to me,  our communications will be very traumatic on my end.  I'm working very hard on this and have gotten a lot better, but I obviously still have difficulty when I think that you are expecting something from me."

The above is the tlc I'm talking about, along with others... .I told her I am working hard on my stuff too. 

There is hope and there is love between us.  I'm sure of it.

[lbjnltx]

Hold onto that hope trevorlover!

When my daughter was 13 years old she was in Residential Treatment.  We were able through intense therapy to break through the walls she had built to keep me out.

Today, at 18 we are closer than I ever thought we would be.  She talks to me about anything and I am looking forward to watching her achieve all her dreams.

[livednlearned]

I am working hard on my stuff too.

This is big. This got me 75% of the way there when it came to connecting with my son. That child has taught me so much about emotions and boundaries. There is a wonderful book called Conscious Parenting that helped me lift up my head for a few minutes and see how far I had to go in order to get myself where I needed to be for my son.

There is hope and there is love between us.  I'm sure of it.

That really moved me to read, trevorlover. It says a lot about who you are, and where you will be able to go with that love.   

[trevorlover]

Thank you for that kind response livednlearned.  Your sincerity moved me to tears... .evidence of how much it means to just get that validation... .that someone hears you and understands.  Someone asked me recently why I just didn't cut her off and I responded... "Because she is my daughter and I love her."  I just hope someday she knows how much.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

I just hope someday she knows how much.

She will be able to feel your love when she can feel love for herself. When you bear witness to her pain, and let her express difficult and negative feelings without rejecting her, you will make it safer for her to love herself. She is trying to reparent herself, and you represent a part of herself she is trying to heal inside her.

I was thinking about the pain that we feel as mothers when our kids have such a different version of our love. My son had suicidal ideation last fall and is seeing a psychiatrist. In the evaluation, S13 told the doctor that he feels my life would be better off without him.  :'(  How can the most important person in my life feel that I would be better off without him?  :'( :'(

It's hard to make sense sometimes of the disjoint between the reality of their emotions, and the reality of our emotions. Both are real, though. It's helped me a lot to stop being defensive and lean all the way in, even when it's painful. Have you read anything about attachment styles? With another child, my parenting style would probably be fine, but with the type of epigenetic predisposition (words his psychiatrist used) that S13 brings to things, my attachment style was probably a little too avoidant, and didn't feel secure enough. I feel a lot of pain when I look back and realize how invalidating I was to him, but that's all I knew. But it's a small miracle to see that I can repair some of that just by parenting him with validation, and having a lot of patience. And really good boundaries  

[trevorlover]

Thank you again... .I continue to research and learn.  It's funny... .so many people don't seem to think there is any chance of the BPD getting better.  I disagree.  I see tremendous growth and healing in my daughter.  A couple of years ago I would not have believed it either.  I have been thinking about what you said about loving herself in order to feel my love.  I also believe that the recent changes in my own views represents... "when you forgive yourself, you will be able to forgive others."