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Author Topic: The pendulum has swung again...  (Read 506 times)
agoodperson

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« on: February 25, 2015, 01:46:17 AM »

  Well the pendulum has swung to the "everything is hopeless" side. Everyone is disrespecting her and she can't take it anymore. Again she is pushing an ultimatum for me to quit my job and move on.  She is back to making put downs, sarcastic hurtful comments, and throwing the past in my face. 

Needing strength, wisdom, and empathy. The love is always there. That's why it hurts so much and is difficult.

AGP
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« Reply #1 on: February 25, 2015, 04:06:30 AM »

For her, maybe everything is. But for you, it most certainly isn't. Find your boundaries, support her where and when you can do so appropriately. Keep your legs under you. I hope it swings right back for you, but you being strong for yourself, will ultimately help her too, if she can be helped. Remember, it isn't personal, so you keep being you. Good luck!
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"Chaos is not a pit. Chaos is a ladder." - Lord Petyr Baelish
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« Reply #2 on: February 25, 2015, 04:27:05 AM »

Sorry to hear this. It is important you stay centered and dont try grabbing a hold on that pendulum as it swings past in a futile attempt to stop it, there will be too much momentum and it will bowl you over.

Stay consistent, stay on the right path and it will eventually swing back again.

In the meantime concentrate on not being reactive, and focus on not being invalidating, this is often safer and easier than trying too hard to validate in times of crisis when it is often all too easy to get it wrong

Hang in there, I am sure we have all been there

Waverider
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Mustbeabetterway
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« Reply #3 on: February 25, 2015, 03:23:15 PM »

Hi AGP, 

I definitely understand.  The sarcasm, putdowns and negativity are hard to take.  Waverider's advice to stay on the right path and not grab the pendulum as it swings past is right on target.

Even though these situations are no fun, maybe you could think of it as an opportunity to use some of the tools you have learned.  There are some things you can do to break the cycle of conflict.  Some ideas - distract yourself by taking a walk, do a chore, exercise, or soothe yourself by listening to music, praying, reading something calming, meditating, or do something social like phoning a friend, walking or exercising with a friend.  I like to walk my dog, or play the piano, or put some new music on my ipod.

I hope the pendulum swings back soon. 

Mustbeabetterway
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agoodperson

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« Reply #4 on: March 03, 2015, 12:34:08 PM »

Yay... .Smiling (click to insert in post)

The pendulum has swung back.  Both working very hard to lessen the arc.  We're keeping learning, praying, and loving.

Thanks for everyone's continued support!

Peace and wholeness,

AGP
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Mustbeabetterway
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« Reply #5 on: March 03, 2015, 02:31:33 PM »

AGP,

So happy to hear good news!

Was there anything in particular that was especially helpful?


Having my own r/s swings,


Mustbeabetterway

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agoodperson

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« Reply #6 on: March 05, 2015, 10:01:59 PM »

  well back again we go.

Seems her heightened suspiciousness imagines people not accepting her and even plotting against her.  So now she is making demands on me about work, etc. Sigh

AGP
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agoodperson

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« Reply #7 on: March 06, 2015, 10:40:10 AM »

So how should I handle it when she is so insistent that people don't like her, or are talking about her, or doing things to take responsibilities from her, or she feels they don't trust her, or like her, etc.?  She wants me to agree that they ARE doing these things, when I know that all that is NOT happening.

This kind of thing has been consistent with my family and with other situations where I have worked.

Even when we begin to dialogue about things, I don't do it right.

At a loss right now.

AGP
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Jessica84
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« Reply #8 on: March 06, 2015, 11:21:04 AM »

I think all you can do is validate her feelings, and try to keep her from spiraling. If she FEELS like people don't like her, it is a FACT to her. They often just want to feel understood. What makes them spiral more is having people tell them they're feelings are wrong.

When my uBPDbf starts spiraling into this conspiracy of how the whole world is against him, I try to apply SET: Support (I'm sorry you're upset / that must feel awful), Empathize (I try to normalize where possible - that anyone would feel that way, we all want to be liked), Truth - only once she's out of the spiral - whatever the truth is? Careful not to JADE here!

Try not to get frustrated. You can't change her feelings. Acknowledge she feels this way, support her through it, and let her sort it out. Maybe all she needs is to vent, and then the pendulum could swing back. 

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agoodperson

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« Reply #9 on: March 06, 2015, 11:32:29 AM »

Thanks, Jessica.

I do try to use SET, but only the SE, even though it's really hard not to want to include the T.  Even when I try to validate her feelings, she wants to insist that I must feel the way she does.  If I say something like, "That must feel really awful," she accuses me of just saying the right words, patronizing, etc.

The problem is that her perspective is really debilitating to not only our relationship, but my/our work relationships as well.

She seems beyond the just-venting stage.  She has herself totally believing that her perspective is the only and correct perspective.

She is an uBPD, and probably not even aware that she might have BPD.

AGP
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Jessica84
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« Reply #10 on: March 06, 2015, 12:14:08 PM »

Mine is also undiagnosed. Lately he's a lot more aware, but there are times when he just knows he is right, and everyone else is wrong. This is that tricky black/white thinking. I never know exactly how to handle the "If you don't agree with me, you're against me" thinking.

I have a semi-working r/s with my bf too, which can make for some pretty bad triangulating at times. He hops from one crisis to the next. It's exhausting to watch. When something happens at work and I can see he's perceiving someone or their comments/actions thru his BPD filter and getting himself all worked up, I simply say "I'm on your side" without actually agreeing with his perception. That usually settles him down. He knows I'm being supportive and not against him. He might still go to war with the third party, but I've learned to stay out of it. I think he's also learned that "I'm on your side" doesn't mean I'm going to swoop in and protect him from them or vice versa. Actively sticking up for him (or one of our colleagues) has had disastrous results. Eventually they work it out without me having to bear any battle scars!
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waverider
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« Reply #11 on: March 06, 2015, 04:57:58 PM »

 She has herself totally believing that her perspective is the only and correct perspective.

If you just use S &E without any T you will reinforce this. You can inadvertently feed neediness. Even if the "T" is only a "t".

Leaving it out also tramples on your own rights to have your truth and reality.

The trick is to make sure it is your T and not make it an absolute>> "They way it seems to me is... " as opposed to "This is the way it is... " Allow her the choice to stick to her version of reality , you dont have to sell her yours, but don't stifle your own right to at least voice yours.
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agoodperson

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« Reply #12 on: March 11, 2015, 03:43:48 PM »

Swung back even again... .a serious swing... .

Thanks for the suggestions of sharing even a "t".  She blows up thinking I don't care at all and am against her.  "I'm done with it!" she says when in the down swing.  Today, she got so angry she stopped the car and got out and walked along/sitting by a country highway for about an hour.  She made all kinds of "insists" while she was in the middle of raging.

I have to do something.  Even going to visit her mother.  ":)o it!" she said, "She'll tell you how it is." I am sure her mother only has one side of the story.  She's 83(?) and not sure she would understand my sharing the behaviors/symptoms I experience indicating possible BPD.

I really have no one to talk to.  When she is in her anger/raging/everyone is against me/you don't care or love me/ mode, my wife threatens to "expose me" to everyone with the every bad think I did before we were committed and married.

Drained.

She can not see that she has my heart; that I love her deeply and unconditionally; and am on her side.

Needing strength... .

AGP

(PS this was after I learned that my mother died this morning)
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agoodperson

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« Reply #13 on: March 13, 2015, 10:30:10 PM »

Why always twisting things around, yet she accuses me of that.  Everything that she accuses me of seems so much like what she is doing to me... .

She makes impossible demands for choices... .

Everyone and every group are **sholes... .f*****n' ones to boot... .
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agoodperson

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« Reply #14 on: March 17, 2015, 05:01:58 PM »

well swung again... .sigh

it's time... .i drew a line... .  we HAVE to talk to a counselor together... .

she is caught in a rage-driven thought pattern.  refusing to be around me... .

but... .she did set up a joint session with a counselor tomorrow... .yay... .

we'll see if i can share in a way that shows the obvious patterns and symptoms of BPD... .

and, yes, I KNOW and am COMMITTED to continuing to work on my own issues... .

AGP
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Mustbeabetterway
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« Reply #15 on: March 17, 2015, 05:41:29 PM »

well swung again... .sigh

it's time... .i drew a line... .  we HAVE to talk to a counselor together... .

she is caught in a rage-driven thought pattern.  refusing to be around me... .

but... .she did set up a joint session with a counselor tomorrow... .yay... .

we'll see if i can share in a way that shows the obvious patterns and symptoms of BPD... .

and, yes, I KNOW and am COMMITTED to continuing to work on my own issues... .

AGP

Hi AGP, so sorry to hear things have been so rough.  I know how very frustrating and hurtful the ups and downs can be.  Good luck with your session.  I hope it is helpful.  Let us know.
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agoodperson

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« Reply #16 on: March 17, 2015, 08:54:59 PM »

Thanks, Must,

After setting up the counseling, she was texting me insisting that I tell her who I had talked with last night.  I had told her that I wanted to keep that to myself, because I had no other person to talk to.  I asked that she respect my wish.  She then decided again to threaten me to expose me, etc., and don't bother coming home to sleep tonight.  I had picked up a couple groceries.  I headed home and texted her that I was coming in to the kitchen for 10 mins and would then leave.  I didn't want to see, talk, or argue with her.  When I got to the kitchen door, she had attempted to block it with chairs.

When I left, she continued inflammatory/threatening texts.   I texted her that I would see her at the counselor tomorrow and that threatening me was not an invitation to come home and talk.  She then said she wasn't going, etc., etc., and "do you just want to end it now?"  to which I said, "no," and "I will see you at the counselor tomorrow."

About 5 minutes later she became ":)r. Jekyll," being very concerned and wanted me to come and start the healing process, etc.  The when I wasn't responding to texts she began emailing me the same.  I have no idea if I go there when "Mr. Hyde" will appear.

Pretty serious time... .so I ask for prayers.

Peace,

AGP
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