How do I help my sisters

[Forever to Roam]

My father was out-and-out abusive. Everybody thought it was horrible, and it was, but for me, my mother's behavior screwed me up way worse. This lesson/workshop board describes my mother's behavior to the tee:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=65426.msg627003#msg627003

Even reading this and other things (like Understanding the Borderline Mother), I am frequently at a loss as to how to describe to people what my mother did. From the outside, it looks like perfect parenting. My aunt asked me when we met together what my mother was like. The only thing I could use to describe it to her was a story my mother particularly liked to tell - she thought it so funny: when sister was about two, she got hold of the scissors and cut all of her own hair off so she was nearly bald (pretty much what any normal two-year old would do if she had scissors), but didn't hurt herself at all. She wanted to cut my hair too, but I was the "good girl", so I let her cut a very little bit off a single lock, but no more, and she didn't push it. But my mom found us, surrounded by the cut hair. Her reaction was fury. "You are so ugly!" I, of course, started bawling. My sister on the other hand, at two years old (and two years younger than me), put her hands on her hips and said defiantly, "I am not ugly." This only made my mom even more furious. I think this may have been the incident when my parents broke the wooden spoon on her backside.

But that story only really describes my one sister's status in our house. It's much harder to make it clear how the rest of us were hurt, how I was hurt. I was rarely physically hurt - that was mostly reserved for my sister. No, I was made to watch sis be hurt, I was supposed to be mean to her. I was molded and sculpted into exactly what my mother wanted me to be. And she and my abused sister say they "don't understand why I'm now a completely different person." Because that wasn't me! It was, and it wasn't. And while, I don't give a rip about explaining to my mother, I want to be able to tell my sisters (there's three, all younger than me). The younger two were very much neglected by our parents.

My next sister, the one who was physically abused is completely confused about why I am so mad at uBPDm and less so at uNPDf. She says that mother saved her life, and that she's mad at dad, because he never tried to protect her. I told her last time we talked about this that to me, dad never really mattered. He was a 'small' man, I knew it, and I kind of dismissed him from my life. This was probably made easier by the fact that I was not the one suffering under his belt, his hand, the frickin' wooden (or later, plastic) spoon (though my mother did her fair share of that too). Also, I should probably mention, that the only reason this perception of my dad was in my head in the first place was that my mother put it there, she always demeaned him to me. When I was 11, she had asked me if I would be OK if she divorced dad. I was frickin' 11! Of course I wasn't OK with it! I said, "Um... .no?" To this day, she lists that as the reason she never divorced my dad. Despite the fact that he was incredibly abusive to every member of the family, she says she didn't divorce him "for the kids sake," and to me she says "because you said you wouldn't be OK."

I was essentially mother to my sisters, since both of our parents sucked. I loved that role - I guess it made me feel like I was actually of value. But when I got married at 19, my mother wouldn't let me contact them anymore, and I'll admit, I didn't try as hard as I should have because I was in the bottom of a pit of depression from losing my mother's approval, nearly killing myself. One reason I didn't was how such an action would affect my sisters. Now, after years I think it seemed to them that I abandoned them by marrying. That abandonment bit is something I already feel massively guilty about. The fact that I didn't save them from our parents. I don't know if I could have tried to take them with me, or what. All I know is, I didn't do enough.

I still want to help my sisters. One is still living at home, the other two are out at college - all are still on way better terms with our parents than I am. The younger two have pretty much not been able to talk with me since my marriage 6 years ago. Is it even possible for me to help when I know that I'm resented for being the golden girl? For abandoning them when I got married? Is is possible for me to help them when I'm still not over how our parents treated all of us? I'm not sure they would welcome my help, since my mother is viewed by people outside our family as a very good mother. Does anybody have some advice for how to help my sisters in this situation?

[Mike-X]

I am so sorry to hear about all that you went through. It is very noble of you to want to help your sisters. What type of help are you wanting to provide? Also, what are you doing to help yourself heal and grow?

I am also sorry to hear that you feel guilty for not doing more to help your sisters when you got married and left. What are you thinking you could have done? Were you in a position at 19 and in a new marriage to take on the legal and financial responsibilities for your three sisters and battle with your parents over custody of your sisters?

[Forever to Roam]

I really want to be an emotional support for them. For them to know that our family life was neither normal nor OK. For them to have someone around whom they can be themselves and not be judged. I just want them to have someone to go to. I wrote them letters about a month ago, explaining to them why I made the choices I made, apologizing for what I got wrong, and telling them I want relationships with each of then. I have received no response from the younger two sisters. I do not know if they are skeptical of me, or simply do not need me in their life. I don't want to be pushy, but I'm also afraid they're being influenced by my mom not to contact me rather than making their own choices. I do not know how to balance that: being sure they're making their own choices and not being pushy. Advice?

As far as my own healing, I'm reading lots of books designed for therapy, going through exercises. I'm coming to this forum, reading the advice and the lessons. I had a therapist for a little while, though I moved away from the only therapist I trusted and had trouble finding a new one.

It's hard to say what I wish I had done for my sisters. Mainly just 'more.' It's true, I probably wasn't in a position to deal with the financial and legal issues that would have entailed battling over custody at that time. I think now that my aunt would've been amenable to them living with her - if I'd thought to even contact her, though I don't know if even she would've been prepared for the hell that would've happened. I don't think I even had her contact information at that time. I guess it's not particularly logical, I just feel very responsible.

[Forever to Roam]

I am so sorry to hear about all that you went through. It is very noble of you to want to help your sisters.

Thank you, by the way, for that.   I generally think of it as simply that I love them.

[Mike-X]

I really want to be an emotional support for them. For them to know that our family life was neither normal nor OK. For them to have someone around whom they can be themselves and not be judged. I just want them to have someone to go to. I wrote them letters about a month ago, explaining to them why I made the choices I made, apologizing for what I got wrong, and telling them I want relationships with each of then. I have received no response from the younger two sisters. I do not know if they are skeptical of me, or simply do not need me in their life. I don't want to be pushy, but I'm also afraid they're being influenced by my mom not to contact me rather than making their own choices. I do not know how to balance that: being sure they're making their own choices and not being pushy. Advice?

You have more knowledge about your sisters than anyone on here, so you are probably in a better position to imagine the appropriate level of contact and how they might respond.  bpdfamily.com is a good place to get feedback on any letters, emails, etc. that you might want to send in the future.  

Do you think that they are dealing with BPD issues?

As far as my own healing, I'm reading lots of books designed for therapy, going through exercises. I'm coming to this forum, reading the advice and the lessons. I had a therapist for a little while, though I moved away from the only therapist I trusted and had trouble finding a new one.

Trust is definitely important in therapy. Also, it can [and should] take time to build trust with a therapist, and given the nature of therapy, the client-therapist relationship might cycle in various ways over the course of the therapy.

It's hard to say what I wish I had done for my sisters. Mainly just 'more.' It's true, I probably wasn't in a position to deal with the financial and legal issues that would have entailed battling over custody at that time. I think now that my aunt would've been amenable to them living with her - if I'd thought to even contact her, though I don't know if even she would've been prepared for the hell that would've happened. I don't think I even had her contact information at that time. I guess it's not particularly logical, I just feel very responsible.

Are you saying that you wish that you could have done something but recognize that you did the best that you could and that you really weren't in a position to remove them from that situation?

[Mike-X]

I am so sorry to hear about all that you went through. It is very noble of you to want to help your sisters.

Thank you, by the way, for that.   I generally think of it as simply that I love them.

You are welcome.

[Forever to Roam]

Do you think that they are dealing with BPD issues?

I strongly suspect my next sister may have BPD tendencies. The younger girls I would say don't. Though, were 13 and 11 when I left, so I feel like I don't really know.

Are you saying that you wish that you could have done something but recognize that you did the best that you could and that you really weren't in a position to remove them from that situation?

I guess that is what I'm saying. I did the best I knew at the time, but I feel like that is so often used as an excuse for inexcusable behavior.

[Mike-X]

Are you saying that you wish that you could have done something but recognize that you did the best that you could and that you really weren't in a position to remove them from that situation?

I guess that is what I'm saying. I did the best I knew at the time, but I feel like that is so often used as an excuse for inexcusable behavior.[/quote]
What behavior was inexcusable?

[Forever to Roam]

Are you saying that you wish that you could have done something but recognize that you did the best that you could and that you really weren't in a position to remove them from that situation?

I guess that is what I'm saying. I did the best I knew at the time, but I feel like that is so often used as an excuse for inexcusable behavior.

What behavior was inexcusable?[/quote]
"I did the best I knew at the time," Is true.

However, those are the exact words my mother has used to deflect responsibility time and time again. And that bothers me greatly. I do not want to be like her. I want to take responsibility for my actions or inactions.

Maybe I'll just use your words:

... .you wish that you could have done something but recognize that you did the best that you could and that you really weren't in a position to remove them from that situation?

Still true, but no previous negative associations in my mind. I'll stick them in my journal where I can remember.  Thank you, Mike-X.

[Mike-X]

 

Have you read about FOG? If so, have you considered your parent's actions toward you and your feelings regarding saving your sisters in terms of FOG?

[Forever to Roam]

Have you read about FOG? If so, have you considered your parent's actions toward you and your feelings regarding saving your sisters in terms of FOG?

Yes, I have read about FOG. I had thought about it in relation to my parents, but I guess I just hadn't quite thought it regarding my sisters. Hmmm... .

I'm not afraid of my sisters, but definitely afraid for them in regards to my parents actions towards them. I definitely feel obligated towards my sisters, and as discussed, guilty for not fulfilling the obligations as I think I should have. The thing is obligation comes with love, right?

The question I ask myself a lot involves questioning my own motivations... .Am I trying to incur in my sisters FOG toward me? To manipulate them? I don't think so. The thought that I might unconsciously do that towards others is scary as *stuff* (huh, fear, look at that). Nobody deserves that.

[Mike-X]

Have you read about FOG? If so, have you considered your parent's actions toward you and your feelings regarding saving your sisters in terms of FOG?

Yes, I have read about FOG. I had thought about it in relation to my parents, but I guess I just hadn't quite thought it regarding my sisters. Hmmm... .

I'm not afraid of my sisters, but definitely afraid for them in regards to my parents actions towards them. I definitely feel obligated towards my sisters, and as discussed, guilty for not fulfilling the obligations as I think I should have. The thing is obligation comes with love, right?

The question I ask myself a lot involves questioning my own motivations... .Am I trying to incur in my sisters FOG toward me? To manipulate them? I don't think so. The thought that I might unconsciously do that towards others is scary as *stuff* (huh, fear, look at that). Nobody deserves that.

I hear you. I was actually thinking about your feelings toward your sisters based on FOG related to your parents. For example, you mentioned that you were given some responsibility for caring for your sisters when you were younger. Was there FOG associated with all of that?

[Skip]

I don't know whether to contact my younger sisters and see if they want a relationship, or wait for them to make the first move (one of them still lives with our parents).

Maybe you don't have to help them - maybe you just need to humbly reach out.

It hurts to be estranged from your family. We all want to belong. Part of the collateral damage of mentally ill parents is that we get estranged from the ones we love.

[Forever to Roam]

Thank you Mike-X and Skip, you have given me food for thought.