confused

[excise]

6 months ago I'm at the most incredible beautiful girl who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. Both of us are in the medical field with doctor degrees.things start change within the first couple months of our relationship including her describing very odd behaviors especially the sexual nature... .generally multiple partners.I confronted her about her loyalty to Me which led to our first break up. About a month later we got back together in a much more casual relationship. Less than two months later she said this would not continue because of my profession being the same as hers. This is just the tip of the iceberg. I'm confused, want her to be happy and perhaps for her to seek help. In the meantime I feel I have no power that she always had the cards and my head is still spinning from everything.

[123Phoebe]

Hi excise

Sounds like this is a very confusing time for you   Are you seeing each other in any capacity?  When was the last time you spoke?

Hang in there and keep posting, it helps to clear our own thoughts.

I'm glad you're here... .

[Mike-X]

Sorry about the relationship difficulties. 

Six months seems like a rather quick romance. Why do you feel so strongly about the relationship with her?

What was the issue with multiple partners?

Why do you think she might be living with BPD?

[excise]

Thanks 123Phoebe.  I feel so strongly about the relationship because she has great qualities - financially independent, very driven, great work ethic, beautiful... .and has a very sweet side I see buried under her emotional pain.  She was married for 19 years (maybe her last 2 were not very good - she says she got into swinging with her husband, I think at her request but unsure).  She divorced 4 years ago and has been in many relationships, on and off.  I believe she has slept with many partners in the past.  Most major hotels around town have seen her as she often pointed out to me "well, I don't want to go to THAT hotel".

From the moment we first met, there was a very strong attraction between us... .and as I understand, BPD people latch on quickly.  Her immediate show of affection and intimacy drew me in very quickly.  Everything seemed awesome.  Then after about a month or two, she would drop these statements on me "I used to be a swinger" ... ."I cheat on my boyfriends".  She would be crying quietly in bed for a half an hour before I could get the reason out from her.  As the relationship went on, she would kiss me less and less - primarily upon just meeting her after being away for a day or two.  She would see things very "black and white" and is quite pessimistic in her personality.  She would think everyone has a dark side (even Rick Steves the travel guide).  Her humor is very sarcastic.  Very, very tight with money though she has plenty.  Very frugal with her purchases and lives pretty simply.

Before I really started thinking she may be towards the BPD spectrum, I would reply to her accusations in a bit more confrontational way - I would point out to her that her logic was wrong.  For instance, going to a store she asked which beer I liked (after she stocked her cart with wine).  She pointed to a brand "Shock Top"... I said I would prefer not as it supports big breweries.  She ended up buying that brand despite my non-like of it.  I did not help her load that 12 pack into the car and that weighed very heavily on her the rest of the day.  Not until the evening did she point this out in an angry way (we won't work out because of how you treat me).  I simply re-stated our dialogue earlier that day to point out that I expressly did NOT want that beer type yet she got it anyway.  I said if anything I should be angry at her - but was not.  We forgave and forgot... .at least I did.

Why else do I think she is BPD?  Multiple sex partners... .quick to say it won't work out (by the way, a friend of hers told me I was a good influence on her and was the longest she dated anyone since her marriage).  I believe in her marriage she was very independent and they both had their own lives under the same roof... monogamous I believe.  Little things would bother her - especially staff at her office.  She'd complain about minor expenses while she would walk away with a very large income... .not being at all grateful for the situation she 'lucked' into.  She is emotionally unavailable most to the time... .very difficult for her to talk about her emotions.  She is the least talkative girl I think I've met... .most conversations are very superficial.  Kind of odd for an educated woman.  Yes, the sex helped keep me around... .but mostly that I hoped I could help her help herself.  She knew she needed professional help but was quick to dismiss it... saying " what, they'll just ask about my parents and stuff'... .I said "I don't know, I am not a psychologist... .let a professional handle the issue just like our patients can't be expected to diagnose themselves".  Both of us are optometrists.

I love her dearly and see the sweetness in her buried under emotional strife and pain.  I want her to be happy.  We broke up after four months, she immediately went to an old boyfriend (I think she was starting to see him already).  After a month without her I just had to get her back.  I convinced her that we could just be casual - nothing serious.  It was great to be back with her for about 2 months (while I believe she dated at least one other guy).  I hoped she would see the stability with me... .but soon she simply stated "it won't work out - we are both optometrists and will just end up talking 'shop'.  She is down on her profession as her business drains her.  I was about to buy a practice in the same city.  It has been three weeks since I've seen her.  It was an uneventful break-up on the phone - very matter of fact to her.  No emotions on her behalf.  I have fallen for this girl - despite how my friends say "you deserve better".  It will be difficult to get over her - yet a part of me hope she will come back and seek professional help for herself to have a 'normal' life.

[Mike-X]

Break-ups can be painful, BPD or not. I am sorry that you seem to be grieving the loss of this relationship.

Have you read any of the lessons on this site? Have you read about FOG?

[excise]

Yes. I have read many articles, posts and viewed videos on the site.  It does help me understand things from a logical point of view... .the problem is dealing with my emotions from her and trying to make sense of it... .especially the part where she doesn't seem to have the same emotional investment I had and have with her.   

I guess goal #2 for me would be to somehow get her on the road to a better, more emotionally healthy and fulfilling life.  Her family members are out of state, I don't have a strong relationship with any of them.  Her one female mutual friend of ours wants nothing to do with my input to my BPDex's life or helping her.  I wonder if sending her a book out of the blue from Amazon.com would help her get on the path to healing.  She is in her early 40's and has probably obtained many mal-adaptive skills by now... just not making her fulfilled.

[Mike-X]

Yes. I have read many articles, posts and viewed videos on the site.  It does help me understand things from a logical point of view... .the problem is dealing with my emotions from her and trying to make sense of it... .especially the part where she doesn't seem to have the same emotional investment I had and have with her.   

I guess goal #2 for me would be to somehow get her on the road to a better, more emotionally healthy and fulfilling life.  Her family members are out of state, I don't have a strong relationship with any of them.  Her one female mutual friend of ours wants nothing to do with my input to my BPDex's life or helping her.  I wonder if sending her a book out of the blue from Amazon.com would help her get on the path to healing.  She is in her early 40's and has probably obtained many mal-adaptive skills by now... just not making her fulfilled.

How do you think she might feel if you sent a book out of the blue?

Have you asked yourself why you feel obligated to help?

[excise]

Mike-X,

I don't know how she would react to a book coming out of the blue.  A good part of me thinks she knows there is something wrong with how she interacts with people.  She did a month of group relationship counseling at a church (not with me) during our break-up.  I don't want to diagnose her nor can I professionally... .but she has so many traits of a transparant/quiet BPD.  She is generally highly functional.  I'd like to think she would be inquisitive and read the book.  Maybe it would push her to counseling.  I don't believe her family has inspired her to go to counseling.  One would think a failed marriage would.  Scary how words like always, never, forever... .are just not in her vocabulary.

I am a fixer.  I like to get to the heart of the matter.  Probably why we lasted only 6 months, though longer than any relationship post-marriage for her.

[Mike-X]

Mike-X,

I don't know how she would react to a book coming out of the blue.  A good part of me thinks she knows there is something wrong with how she interacts with people.  She did a month of group relationship counseling at a church (not with me) during our break-up.  I don't want to diagnose her nor can I professionally... .but she has so many traits of a transparant/quiet BPD.  She is generally highly functional.  I'd like to think she would be inquisitive and read the book.  Maybe it would push her to counseling.  I don't believe her family has inspired her to go to counseling.  One would think a failed marriage would.  Scary how words like always, never, forever... .are just not in her vocabulary.

I am a fixer.  I like to get to the heart of the matter.  Probably why we lasted only 6 months, though longer than any relationship post-marriage for her.

It sounds like she is highly functional in many aspects of her life. Has she ever asked you for help with issues related to BPD or relationships?  That is, has she asked for you to help 'fix' her?

[excise]

Mike-x:

No, she has never asked my directly to help 'fix' her.  I think she knows she needs something... but is just below asking for it.  I don't understand... .it is so common in American society to have interventions for alcoholics and drug users... .but somehow everyone pussy-foots around BPDs.  These are people in pain, probably just as much as any substance addiction... .yet because they are not doing anything illegal or 'socially' unacceptable, folks just say ... .no, only when a crisis occurs or they ask for help should it be done.

I don't know about you, but if I were drowning but still able to keep my head above water, I'd hope someone would help me.

[Mike-X]

Mike-x:

No, she has never asked my directly to help 'fix' her.  I think she knows she needs something... but is just below asking for it.  I don't understand... .it is so common in American society to have interventions for alcoholics and drug users... .but somehow everyone pussy-foots around BPDs.  These are people in pain, probably just as much as any substance addiction... .yet because they are not doing anything illegal or 'socially' unacceptable, folks just say ... .no, only when a crisis occurs or they ask for help should it be done.

I don't know about you, but if I were drowning but still able to keep my head above water, I'd hope someone would help me.

I agree with you that it hurts to watch someone you care about struggle due to this disorder. However, in my mind a person living with BPD is entitled to the same respect of his or her boundaries as a 'non'. Alcoholics and drug users are also entitled to the same respect, the same respect that you are entitled as you are dealing with you anxiety and pain over this breakup.

You also have to be extremely cautious as an ex, because continued attempts at unsolicited intervention can be deemed as harassment. There are numerous stories on here and elsewhere on the Web about restraining orders, harassment charges, and worse, including confabulated charges.

Additionally, do you really know what she is feeling? Inside, she might not be feeling any pain over this breakup. She might be back out dating already and moving on. She might consider her behavior reasonable and rational. She might consider all of the dating and casual sex as just having fun.  Of course, she might be engaging all kinds of defense mechanisms to avoiding dealing with the true underlying causes of her behavior.

When I broke up with someone when I was younger, it was over for me. I didn't want them continually pursuing me, trying to help me. I had people do that, and I thought that they were 'crazy'. And when someone broke up with me, I just went back into the dating circuit; a little hurt, but i got over it.

In my opinion, you should be focused on you right now. In dating, how long do you think it takes to truly get to know someone?

[Mike-X]

I know that I asked about your studying about BPD before. But have you specifically read about FOG? And  if so, how might FOG relate to the feelings you are currently experiencing?

Again, I still feel a strong attachment to my ex, and  I wish that I could save her. I wish that I could flip a switch and get her back to realizing me. So I feel as though I can relate to what you might be experiencing.

[excise]

Mike-X :

I appreciate your thoughts and input.  I know that my ex may miss me sometimes, however I am sure she is over me.  Like you mentioned, going back into the dating circuit and/or

re-kindling relationships with guys she dated in the past is her modus-operandi.  I am sure she feels both power over men (a good thing in her mind) due to her ability to just snap her fingers and have a guy appear in her bed and power over her employees at work.  She has financial power - so really, she should be quite happy, right?  Well, I know she is not - and like you mentioned, I can almost guarantee she knows there is something not right deep down, but she powers on.

To her, this is life.  I think she has accepted a cynical world and is very protected.  There is an invisible barrier to her emotional self she never let me through... .probably no one has gone through it including herself.  It is a puzzle to me.  As to amount of time a person dated another, I honestly think that is not a direct correlation to the depth of the relationship.  Some people date others for years and never really know them or fall for them.  Others date for weeks or months and 'get' the other person.  I am certain my pain after the initial 4 month break-up was just as painful as a guy who has been with a girl for years... .less the financial attachments.  I think in her mind, it is the world against her.  She can not accept that people do good for others just for the sake of doing good.  I spent tens of hours improving/doing repairs around her house.  Most of the time, the thanks I got was "I never asked you to do it" when she really had... .or I helped her visiting dad do improvements, too.  She just does not get it nor probably ever will.  Being grateful is just not her.  I don't know if that is BPD trait, but there is always some string attached in her mind.