I resent him

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Really struggling at the moment and I feel like I'm constantly weighing up whether or not it's even possible to fix everything that's wrong with this relationship. It's not a question of whether I want to, anymore - it's a question of whether or not I can. Sorry that this is so long but I would really appreciate if someone could give me any kind of insight!

1. I have spent the entire time riding out his inability to move on from the way his previous relationship ended. He has a lot of emotional baggage that I started off wanting to support him with until I realised the massive mistake in that - it's neither healthy nor possible and he has buried his head in the sand and not wanted to accept responsibility for his healing.

2. Then there is the fact that he has no concept of boundaries - what is acceptable and not acceptable in a relationship, as if the almost 7 years he spent with his last partner taught him absolutely nothing. To him, it's acceptable for him to still make up weak excuses to hang around someone he was very infatuated with, someone who isn't particularly a friend and to be quite honest, dislikes him. On the other hand, he is nervous if I even have males that show an interest in me, despite my never having even engaged with these people. He will literally check up on me if I'm anywhere he isn't: "where are you?", "who with?".

3. Then there is the fact the he dodges financial responsibility and is so utterly stupid with money it's unfathomable. I rent his house from him, the agreement being I'd pay rent to cover his mortgage. What has really happened, no matter how he twists the situation, is that we are essentially living together and he spends his rather generous salary on bs whilst I cover everything, despite not currently being employed.

4. He is also incredibly emotionally unstable (ofc, why else would I be here?) and as a result likes to spend as much time with me as possible. This of course, I do not mind and I would enjoy the intimacy, if there was any. He would be sad if I decided to do anything without him but the time we do spend together he is glued to his frickin phone and I mean GLUED! He will then complain that I don't talk to him about anything? Often when I do, he is either not paying attention or will patronise, criticise me or feel threatened that my pov is different from his. He likes to try and make me feel small in order to make himself feel better, basically.

5. Do not even get me started on how he behaves socially. He transforms into a different person, one that is even more inconsiderate, rude, inappropriate, offensive and quite frankly a totally disrespectful douchebag that I wouldn't go near in a million years if I'd met in a social situation. We've talked about this and he turns around and says, "I don't want to be treading on eggshells"? If you need to be treading on eggshells to not be an ********* then I'm sorry but you might be an *********!

6. Sex is also fairly mismatched - my drive is a lot higher and quite frankly it just doesn't happen enough. I have spent the entirety of this relationship constantly initiating as well; he doesn't like to because he supposedly is fearful of rejection.

7. Oh God. And he is controlling. Dictatorial. I have to give him a rundown of my day and hope it meets his approval in terms of productivity. He will literally give me lists of things to do and even time frames. JC.

I feel like I am in a relationship with a frickin child. We have discussed all of this. Multiple times. He says he's trying. I hear words and see no change. What realistically, can even be done anymore? I went into this relationship more tolerant, more patient, more calm than most people. I have slowly felt like I'm morphing into a deranged psychopath who is just sick of dealing with garbage. Every night, I go to bed with all this circling around my head and thinking about how much I resent him. This isn't healthy, is it?

Ironically, his ex is an old school friend of mine and she left him for all the same reasons. We spoke recently. He hasn't changed.

[Lumpy_]

Really struggling at the moment and I feel like I'm constantly weighing up whether or not it's even possible to fix everything that's wrong with this relationship. It's not a question of whether I want to, anymore - it's a question of whether or not I can. Sorry that this is so long but I would really appreciate if someone could give me any kind of insight!

1. I have spent the entire time riding out his inability to move on from the way his previous relationship ended. He has a lot of emotional baggage that I started off wanting to support him with until I realised the massive mistake in that - it's neither healthy nor possible and he has buried his head in the sand and not wanted to accept responsibility for his healing.

2. Then there is the fact that he has no concept of boundaries - what is acceptable and not acceptable in a relationship, as if the almost 7 years he spent with his last partner taught him absolutely nothing. To him, it's acceptable for him to still make up weak excuses to hang around someone he was very infatuated with, someone who isn't particularly a friend and to be quite honest, dislikes him. On the other hand, he is nervous if I even have males that show an interest in me, despite my never having even engaged with these people. He will literally check up on me if I'm anywhere he isn't: "where are you?", "who with?".

3. Then there is the fact the he dodges financial responsibility and is so utterly stupid with money it's unfathomable. I rent his house from him, the agreement being I'd pay rent to cover his mortgage. What has really happened, no matter how he twists the situation, is that we are essentially living together and he spends his rather generous salary on bs whilst I cover everything, despite not currently being employed.

4. He is also incredibly emotionally unstable (ofc, why else would I be here?) and as a result likes to spend as much time with me as possible. This of course, I do not mind and I would enjoy the intimacy, if there was any. He would be sad if I decided to do anything without him but the time we do spend together he is glued to his frickin phone and I mean GLUED! He will then complain that I don't talk to him about anything? Often when I do, he is either not paying attention or will patronise, criticise me or feel threatened that my pov is different from his. He likes to try and make me feel small in order to make himself feel better, basically.

5. Do not even get me started on how he behaves socially. He transforms into a different person, one that is even more inconsiderate, rude, inappropriate, offensive and quite frankly a totally disrespectful douchebag that I wouldn't go near in a million years if I'd met in a social situation. We've talked about this and he turns around and says, "I don't want to be treading on eggshells"? If you need to be treading on eggshells to not be an ********* then I'm sorry but you might be an *********!

6. Sex is also fairly mismatched - my drive is a lot higher and quite frankly it just doesn't happen enough. I have spent the entirety of this relationship constantly initiating as well; he doesn't like to because he supposedly is fearful of rejection.

7. Oh God. And he is controlling. Dictatorial. I have to give him a rundown of my day and hope it meets his approval in terms of productivity. He will literally give me lists of things to do and even time frames. JC.

I feel like I am in a relationship with a frickin child. We have discussed all of this. Multiple times. He says he's trying. I hear words and see no change. What realistically, can even be done anymore? I went into this relationship more tolerant, more patient, more calm than most people. I have slowly felt like I'm morphing into a deranged psychopath who is just sick of dealing with garbage. Every night, I go to bed with all this circling around my head and thinking about how much I resent him. This isn't healthy, is it?

Ironically, his ex is an old school friend of mine and she left him for all the same reasons. We spoke recently. He hasn't changed.

[Michelle27]

Oh my goodness, I understand the feelings of resentment greatly.  I actually took myself to counseling a few months ago because the anger and resentments were eating me up and I found myself losing the positive "glass half full" view on life I'd always had.  My resentments/anger include:

1.  Being there for him and handling everything when we were hit with the devastating news of his son from his first marriage disclosing horrible sexual abuse in his mothers home when he was 7 years old (9 years ago).  I even had to write my husband's depositions for court and deal with social services because he couldn't cope with any of it (this was the beginning of him transitioning from high functioning to low which he's been since then).

2.  In addition to handling the court stuff, I also ended up having to take over all of the household stuff.  Housework, childcare and financial matters. 

3.  My financial contribution to the household was definitely more than his.  I make more which I feel is fair to percentage wise contribute more but for years, I paid the mortgage, strata fees, groceries, all childcare and kids' activities fees as well as paid for most outings we went on.  He paid the utilities and could have afforded more.

4.  After his son's abuse came to light, he painted my daughter from my first marriage horribly black and admits he was verbally abusive to her as well as me.  In moments of clarity he says that his son was now "damaged" and he wanted to "even things up" because she was a good kid.  This went on for years.  In addition to being resentful of that, I'm angry at myself for staying and not protecting her better than I should have.  She is now in a dysfunctional relationship herself, hoping to "fix" him as that was her example for so many years... .

5.  I suspected affairs due to his ability to rationalize the rages over the years.  But I wasn't prepared for what I found out a few months ago.  He in fact managed an affair with a supposed "friend" of mine for a year, giving her so much emotional support (she told me when I confronted her) that she says he helped her leave an abusive relationship.  To add insult to injury, the affair happened during the very year I was scrambling to fix our marriage by dragging us to a couple's communications course, several different marriage counselors (he sabataged it all) and did a ton of research/reading on BPD and more.  During this time, he was especially nasty, mean and not much of a partner to me. 

6.  After the horrible year of trying to get help and things getting worse, I took myself to counseling and begged for a way to help my husband.  Took many sessions but the counselor finally convinced me that it wasn't my job to help him but that I needed to focus on me.  Which I did, ultimately losing over 130 lbs and gaining a new sense of self esteem.  I detached so much from him that I was 99% out the door and getting ready to leave when he had a crisis, was hospitalized in the psych ward and promised to change and work on his issues by getting therapy.  I gave him 6 months.  8 months later, he had worked on some things (showering ever day, brushing his teeth every day... .yes it had gotten that bad) but no therapy.  I was getting ready to leave again when he confessed the affair and actually took steps to truly get help.  I don't know if I am too far detached or not yet so I've given him another 6-12 months to prove it.  Still could be too little too late for me. 

7.  He IS trying but it just makes me more resentful.  IF he can now, he could have before this. 

Sorry to hijack... .felt the need to unload... .but I wanted you to know that one of the biggest lessons I've learned is that resentment and anger are like drinking the poison you expect to hurt someone else.  I'm still struggling with this, but trying to turn the focus on my own issues (putting up with abuse for so long and after so much  of it, not feeling worthy of being treated well).  That's been such a hard thing.  I bottled my anger for so long and working on getting it out has been so difficult.  I even had a BPD like breakdown that lasted 2 days and caused me to express a lot of anger towards my husband.  But I at least took responsibility for it and apologized and I KNOW I'll never do that again.  I'll leave first.

[Lumpy_]

Thank you for your reply, Michelle27. Please don't apologise for, 'hijacking'! It's not the way I see it at all ... .it's comforting to read others' stories and how they've worked to overcome such things. I'm glad it could offer you an opportunity to offload, as well.

I am slowly trying to rethink my own boundaries, because it's clear that they're not particularly healthy, either. I don't have a clear and defined view of what I'm willing to tolerate; I didn't from the beginning. Sadly, I think that's one of the biggest reasons he attached himself to me and not someone else.

It also means I have reached an almost BPD-like boiling point in the last day or so, like yourself. I just accepted and agreed with everything, took everything onto my shoulders and didn't for a second consider that I had my own needs. All of this has caused us to argue fairly constantly for the last few days as I tolerated and tolerated his behaviour until I could no longer.

I'm looking through my points now and trying to formulate some boundaries about what I'm willing and not willing to do. Your post alone has allowed me to see things a little more differently - you are right after all, the resentment is hurting me a lot more than him. It's in my head all day, every day.

[Michelle27]

I don't think that we all as nons struggle with the boundary thing, in part because in normal relationships, there is a sense of where normally boundaries are.  I never thought I'd have to have a boundary around a rage, but now I have one (he has to leave the house when he feels it coming on or I see it... .we have a friend who understands the whole thing and has given us her house key for this reason).  I've also had to place boundaries on those circular arguments and what so often comes up when they start. 

I have to say that for me at least, letting it out while scary for me at the time (never felt that kind of anger coming out of me before) was extremely cathartic, and while I had to apologize afterwards, I'm now heading into a better place of compassion and feeling like it's possible to maybe get to the forgiveness stage.