Chores/allowance

[Swiggle]

Not sure if this is the right place but there is so much great advice here that I wanted to ask. I have been thinking about putting together a chore/allowance thing together for my kids. I have been procrastinating for a few reasons. On one hand I see the household as we all live there and should contribute. Paying them for chores doesn't seem right since they are skills they need for when they are older and they won't be getting paid then. But on the other hand, if they aren't earning money how can I teach them about money management and financial responsibility. Do I have to decide which side is most important, or is there a way to blend them both?

The other thing that I struggle with is: Since the kids are with us 50/50 I tend to clean and take care of most heavy cleaning when both sets of kids are at their other parent. Dh and I are kid free every other weekend so we do everything during that time, we feel like this allows us to make the most out of our time with the kids when they are home.

The kids are D11, S7, SD12, SS7 and each are required to keep their rooms clean. Outside of that when they are home we may say... ok someone needs to feed the dog/cat. Girls do the dishes, boys put pillows/blankets away in the great room you know things like general tidying up. They don't just automatically do this and I sometimes feel that while I ask/tell them nicely to do xyz, that I'm barking orders at them. By the way none of them have chores/allowances at the other parents house either so this would be new for them.

My goals for pondering the best way to do this are

1. give them responsibilities for things without having to nag them when something needs to be done.

2. have them earning money so that when book fair comes along or they want a toy/clothes from Target I can say "did you bring your money"

3. balancing them not having their hands out each time they do something like put a dish away but rewarding them for work well done

4. not making it overly complicated with charts/sheets/stickers but have a way to tell if they have done things

I know this isn't necessarily a BPD thing but I know there are many parents here. Since we try to raise grounded, resilient, healthy kids I hoped others might have ideas/suggestions.

[FamilyLaw]

I thought this was an interesting article on how to think about and do allowance:  www.slate.com/articles/business/moneybox/2015/02/kids_allowances_you_re_doing_it_completely_wrong.html

[whirlpoollife]

The article from Family Law is good.

This is what I do.

I give a set chore that I can be consistent with. No pay ,it's part of living here. I need to do more on that. They get Way with too much.

I also like paying them for certain chores. Extra work is where I pay. Larger projects that aren't the redundant everday stuff. My S 16 loves the yard work for that.

My D won a prize, she sold it to buy something else that she was wanting.

Then they feel the money coming in for their hard work, and they feel it going out.  Not paying them at all, will never teach them how to handle money when they are on their own.

When the other ex parent intervines it definitely complicates everything.

MHO, do not open a seperate bank account for the child, even with your name on it, which you have to do with minors.  Open one in your name with the understanding that it is theirs. 

S16 needs to pass some  tests . I asked the one in charge what she thought on me giving a monetary award to S to take and pass these tests.   I wasn't sure if  that would take away the  work for it and achieve it on your own aspect. She said, no the monetary reward is excellent. That employers do it all the time.  It didn't  negativily affect her son when she used the monetary reward for him.

[livednlearned]

I don't pay S13 to do chores that are part of daily living. I do give him an allowance.

He has to do chores or he loses privileges, using things we negotiate in advance. I make sure he is part of those discussions. So for example, I give him the choice to do homework in his room with the TV on. He's ADHD and that seems to be a thing for him, almost like he needs noise to focus. Our deal is that if he hasn't done his homework by the time I come up and check, the TV goes off for the rest of the night. Natural consequence.

I read somewhere that allowance and financial responsibility should be managed separately from chores. I can't remember the logic but it made sense to me at the time. I also remember reading in Parenting Teens with Love and Logic that taking away privileges or giving consequences has to have some logic to it, and parents can't use it as punishment. It's better to set the consequences up in advance so the kids feel some responsibility, know the structure, and can be accountable for their choices.

With money, I found it has worked well with S13 to create almost a curriculum. We will set aside time every week or so to talk about things. For example, he now has a debit card. He has a savings account and a checking account. I'm now giving him access and responsibility to manage it (as a minor through my bank account). We took about 4 weeks to set it up, he came down with me, read the materials, asked questions. That led to him reading about Apple pay, what it was. He got interested in credit cards and how they work, and explained why Apple pay is better (to me, since I didn't fully understand it). We talk about the way grocery stores are set up so that produce is almost always right in front when you walk in, and the goodies are right by the cashier. He likes knowing what adults are up to, how they try and trick people into spending their money. It's just how he's wired -- it might be different for your kids.

He has saved a lot of money over the years. If he keeps this up, it will be amazing. He doesn't do impulse shopping, at least not yet. Apparently, it's a good idea to let kids make an impulsive buy with their hard-earned money when they're young so they learn early, before they become adults and do it on a big purchase.

One thing a friend of mine did was to set up a point system. Everyone could earn points, including the parents. There was a list of chores that had to be done and you could earn points for doing them. At the end of the week, the person with the most points got to pick the restaurant where they ate as a family, and the movie they all went to see. Over the years, they adjusted it so people could "buy" points. So someone who really wanted to see a certain movie could "buy" out someone else, and do all the chores they normally did. The kids in that house would actually clean their siblings rooms in order to get more points.

I don't know. It sounded complicated to me.   But apparently it worked well for them. They were also very good at coming up with systems (5 kids) and negotiating them in ways that were fair for everyone. I only have the one child so it's hard for me to imagine how all of that would work.

[Turkish]

I'm also of the mindset, "I don't paid to take out the trash or mow the lawn, so why should you?" You can educate them financially in other ways. Parents need to be parents. When S5 was S4, he said, "This is my house." I looked down at him and replied, "No, buddy, this is my house, and you live here because I let you live here." He didn't argue.

Of course, later, I sometimes say things like, "this may be your and your sister's house someday, but for now it's mine and we all live here together as a family."

I realize, however, that I've been remiss in giving him chores. I read somewhere that even 3 year olds are capable of doing simple chores. I have given him the vacuum a few times, as well as the garden shears (closely supervised). Even D2 likes the vacuum.