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Author Topic: I've come a long way, and I want to go further  (Read 365 times)
mtview

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7


« on: February 26, 2015, 11:04:20 PM »

Hello!

I want to connect with people here and grow and learn.

I'd love to tell my story, but it's long so I'd rather tell you where I am today.

I'm nowhere near a 'pro' at dealing with my wife's (possible) BPD, but I am at a point where the horrible things she says to me doesn't crush me to pieces like it did in the past.

There were times when I literally would try to write something on this website but I had no energy to write. Or, I would navigate and try to log in, and I was unable to find out how to post here in my deep sorrow. It was like my brain couldn't function properly and all I wanted to do was tell my story or talk to someone or read someone's response but I almost never got through to do that and instead would cry at my desk and go to sleep.

So I want to learn more from this website, but I also want to talk to people. I feel healthier now that I can basically deal with my wife's insane behaviors. I know she will never get the help that she needs but at least she is on medication now. I take what I can get. Sometimes there is two, three, four, or even five days that go by now with her being relatively stable. It is far from an ideal situation, and trust me, if we didn't have a beautiful little boy, I would very much leave the relationship.

Ok so please respond if you can, I definitely am seeking some kind of support , but at the same time I am very glad that I have learned techniques from this website and others and they took a while to learn (a long while!) and I am no master of them, but I am in much better shape than in the past.
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livednlearned
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 12731



« Reply #1 on: February 27, 2015, 09:40:07 AM »

Hi mtview,

A big welcome to you! I'm glad you posted after being here listening and learning for a while. It's a milestone when you feel strong enough to post. These are challenging marriages, and the divorces and coparenting arrangements even more so. Also, depression is common for members when they first arrive here, although I know for myself that the worst of it passed after 2 years and one day I was humming while I filled my bird feeder and it occurred to me that I felt good  Smiling (click to insert in post) And then the next week I laughed at a dinner with my colleagues and coworkers at a work function and my boss said it was so wonderful to see me laugh again. Makes me tear up just thinking about it, how good it felt to start feeling better.

You'll get there, you're already past the first milestone. 

How many kids? How old? What kind of custody arrangement do you have?

I know what you mean about the techniques taking a long while to learn. I found it was more heartening to use them on mentally healthy people first so I felt like I was getting somewhere.

When you feel ready, share more of your story. There's no rush. We probably already have some idea what you've been through.  Being cool (click to insert in post)

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mtview

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7


« Reply #2 on: February 27, 2015, 01:24:20 PM »

Hi! Thank you so much.

We're still together. I think I posted in the divorce category on mistake. She constantly threatens to divorce me though and then apologizes a lot after. I'm sure I'm not the only one that experiences this.

I'd love t share my story, ask any questions you wish.

My boy is 19 months old and he is the happiest being I've ever met and I don't want to do anything to change that for him. Last night when my wife was screaming from downstairs because she thought I drank the last bit of water in the house (seriously) my boy was with me upstairs and instead of getting wrapped up in her storm, I for once realized I can do something to make this positive and not let my feelings overtake me so I kept my son happy, showing him my phone at first, then talking nice to him and playing while trying to put him to bed. Was nice. ( as nice as can be in that situation). I did mess up and tell my wife to 'f' off. It slipped. It was right at the moment that she started to apologize too. I messed up. But I'm gonna try to not do stuff like that in the future.
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livednlearned
Retired Staff
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 12731



« Reply #3 on: February 27, 2015, 01:57:41 PM »

Hi mtview,

I can move your post over to Staying if you want to post there, but I'm really glad you started here on Co-parenting   . I'm actually glad you did -- the lessons about raising a resilient child (Lesson 5) is applicable no matter whether you are together or apart. Please forgive me for my assumption that you were out of the marriage, and you are in the right place if you want to talk about how best to raise your kids when one parent is BPD.

Some of us here on Co-parenting didn't feel it was much of a choice to end the marriage, either due to infidelities, substance abuse, or domestic violence, but we all have the same goal, to raise healthy kids, including step-parents who are as invested in blending the families with as little conflict as possible. Also, some of the lessons on validation that are good for kids can be applied to spouses. I found it was very heartening to see my son respond so well and that gave me good feedback, to let me know I was figuring it out at least.





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