couple of questions

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

1. the way the parenting plan is set up for vacations im losing 5 of my weekends. for example my ex gets this Easter which falls on my weekend so I lose that weekend that will happen 5 times this year. my ex will only lose 1 of her weekends so its 5 to 1, I think its very unfair to my daughter to miss that much time with me and her family. my ex has no sense of fairness and only sees this as her winning against me.

Im about to go to court and I want to put something in the new order that will bring balance to situations like this for both sides not just mine, I don't need a order to tell me to be fair but my ex does.

so my question is, does anyone else have these issues?

2. because my ex has primary custody my daughter spends a considerable amount of time away from me and my house. me and my ex weren't together when my daughter was born so my daughter has never seen what a normal family looks like and Im struggling with the idea that my daughter sees my ex as her family and sees me as a babysitter and not her father. my daughter calls me daddy and recognizes my mom as nana and my son as her brother. Im just worried about the amount of time we get .

I think im having a harder time coping with things then my daughter is I think

[Eco]

1. the way the parenting plan is set up for vacations im losing 5 of my weekends. for example my ex gets this Easter which falls on my weekend so I lose that weekend that will happen 5 times this year. my ex will only lose 1 of her weekends so its 5 to 1, I think its very unfair to my daughter to miss that much time with me and her family. my ex has no sense of fairness and only sees this as her winning against me.

Im about to go to court and I want to put something in the new order that will bring balance to situations like this for both sides not just mine, I don't need a order to tell me to be fair but my ex does.

so my question is, does anyone else have these issues?

2. because my ex has primary custody my daughter spends a considerable amount of time away from me and my house. me and my ex weren't together when my daughter was born so my daughter has never seen what a normal family looks like and Im struggling with the idea that my daughter sees my ex as her family and sees me as a babysitter and not her father. my daughter calls me daddy and recognizes my mom as nana and my son as her brother. Im just worried about the amount of time we get .

I think im having a harder time coping with things then my daughter is I think

[Turkish]

I know she has primary custody now, and it's unfair that "her" holidays trump the schedule.

Can you get more time going back to court?

As for #2, if your daughter calls you Daddy, accept that and validate it. Hug her as much as you can. Despite the time away from her which is painful, you're the only ':)addy" that she knows. This adult bs is unfathomable to her at this point. If she sees your son as a brother, then all the better. Love her up.

A friend of mine has less than majority custody of his son, whom he hadn't even see until the kid was 3 (steroetypical military story). His son is now 5, and I spent a few days with them over the holidays. I had no doubt who that kid saw as his father, despite his BPDish sounding mother.

[Rubies]

Some years your ex will lose 5 weekends.  Put time into penciling a 5 year calendar.  Focus long range on what's best for the kids and yourself.  Is the negativity of court embroilment over your temporary emotional distress worth it?  Can you find a positive way to deal with the emotions?  Make plans for yourself on those weekends.

[Eco]

Can you get more time going back to court?

my lawyer thinks so

As for #2, if your daughter calls you Daddy, accept that and validate it. Hug her as much as you can. Despite the time away from her which is painful, you're the only ':)addy" that she knows. This adult bs is unfathomable to her at this point. If she sees your son as a brother, then all the better. Love her up.

A friend of mine has less than majority custody of his son, whom he hadn't even get until the id was 3 (steroetypical military story). His son is now 5, and I spent a few days with them over the holidays. I had no doubt who that kid saw as his father, despite his BPDish sounding mother.

thanks for the support, im just struggling with this whole thing.

Some years your ex will lose 5 weekends.  Put time into penciling a 5 year calendar.  Focus long range on what's best for the kids and yourself.  Is the negativity of court embroilment over your temporary emotional distress worth it?

youre right, Its still hard to accept things the way they are. I don't think either of us should lose weekends , if we worked together it could work out but like a really wise person said on these boards before " you cant make a duck bark like a dog"

[ennie]

Yes, we deal with this exact issue. One option if you are going back to court anyway is to add a provision that allows for make up time; if you have far less time you could ask for it to be one sided. You get makeup time during the week if the holiday schedule takes your time.

For us, DH has 50/50 and we have come to the realization that any provision that involves negotiating with BPD mom is a nightmare.  We would rather just keep it clear and simple even if it means less time.  So I meticulously calendar at the two times a year the calendar changes to make her vacations fall in her time. I calendar a year out. That's easier than DH attempting to have a reasonable conversation with her.

I recommend a parenting plan that requires as little negotiation as possible.

[livednlearned]

Hi eco,

You feel understandably worried that your daughter's connection with you is shaky because your ex has prevented you from having more time. It's not an ideal situation, and you are doing your best in a situation that is far from ideal. It's also understandable that some days will feel harder, and court moves so slow, it probably feels that things are moving at a glacial pace. You love your D, and want her to be with you more. I only know you from these boards and yet it is so palpable how much you love this little girl and want to spend more time with her. She must feel this -- it's why love makes such a difference in our lives. When we feel someone loving us, going out of their way for us, trying to spend more time with us -- we feel it. She feels it now at her young age, even if she is too young to make sense of it.

It does matter how much time she spends with you because her mama is unstable and can't regulate her emotions, so the more time with you, the more stability she will experience. But I have no doubt that she sees you as her dad, and knows that it's important what she has with you. There will never be anyone like you in her life, even if a boyfriend shows up for a bit. Those relationships don't last, and it won't take long for her to recognize that you are a constant.



LnL

[Eco]

Yes, we deal with this exact issue. One option if you are going back to court anyway is to add a provision that allows for make up time; if you have far less time you could ask for it to be one sided. You get makeup time during the week if the holiday schedule takes your time.

For us, DH has 50/50 and we have come to the realization that any provision that involves negotiating with BPD mom is a nightmare.  We would rather just keep it clear and simple even if it means less time.  So I meticulously calendar at the two times a year the calendar changes to make her vacations fall in her time. I calendar a year out. That's easier than DH attempting to have a reasonable conversation with her.

I recommend a parenting plan that requires as little negotiation as possible

thanks that's one option I will look at. yes there are no negotiations unless she comes out on top or it has to benefit  her.

You feel understandably worried that your daughter's connection with you is shaky because your ex has prevented you from having more time. It's not an ideal situation, and you are doing your best in a situation that is far from ideal. It's also understandable that some days will feel harder, and court moves so slow, it probably feels that things are moving at a glacial pace. You love your D, and want her to be with you more. I only know you from these boards and yet it is so palpable how much you love this little girl and want to spend more time with her. She must feel this -- it's why love makes such a difference in our lives. When we feel someone loving us, going out of their way for us, trying to spend more time with us -- we feel it. She feels it now at her young age, even if she is too young to make sense of it.

It does matter how much time she spends with you because her mama is unstable and can't regulate her emotions, so the more time with you, the more stability she will experience. But I have no doubt that she sees you as her dad, and knows that it's important what she has with you. There will never be anyone like you in her life, even if a boyfriend shows up for a bit. Those relationships don't last, and it won't take long for her to recognize that you are a constant.

Thank you so much livednlearned you are are a great blessing to these boards. your kind words really helped put things in perspective for me.

[Ishenuts]

Eco, I have been divorced from my uNPDex for 3 years. I can attest that the time unfairness does even out. Why do you lose your whole weekend for Easter? Our parenting plan has holidays (e.g. Thanksgiving, Labor Day, Memorial Day, July 4th, etc) being from 8 am - 8 pm. Could you do something like that so you wouldn't lose the whole weekend? Try to put something in the final plan that you can live with that never requires negotiation.

My ex and I share 50/50 physical custody, but it is broken down as Monday + Tuesday (me), then Wednesday - Friday (exh) then Saturday -  Wednesday (me), then Thursday- Sunday (exh). So some weeks I only see my children Monday after school until 7:00 am Wednesday morning when I put them on the bus.  This year his holidays include Memorial and Labor Days, and they fall on my short 2 day weeks. Do I ever think uNPDex would offer to bring them back earlier than 8 pm, especially since they need to go to school the next day? No! And I would never ask. Those 2 or 3  hours from him would probably cost me 100 hours in exchanges. I've learned my lesson! But it doesn't stop him from asking for the same, and accuse me of "not caring about the children" when I say "no" . They're a very sick bunch!

[Eco]

Eco, I have been divorced from my uNPDex for 3 years. I can attest that the time unfairness does even out. Why do you lose your whole weekend for Easter? Our parenting plan has holidays (e.g. Thanksgiving, Labor Day, Memorial Day, July 4th, etc) being from 8 am - 8 pm. Could you do something like that so you wouldn't lose the whole weekend? Try to put something in the final plan that you can live with that never requires negotiation.

its under spring break and says that if the holiday starts on a Monday that the proceeding weekend is included.

My ex and I share 50/50 physical custody, but it is broken down as Monday + Tuesday (me), then Wednesday - Friday (exh) then Saturday -  Wednesday (me), then Thursday- Sunday (exh). So some weeks I only see my children Monday after school until 7:00 am Wednesday morning when I put them on the bus.  This year his holidays include Memorial and Labor Days, and they fall on my short 2 day weeks. Do I ever think uNPDex would offer to bring them back earlier than 8 pm, especially since they need to go to school the next day? No! And I would never ask. Those 2 or 3  hours from him would probably cost me 100 hours in exchanges. I've learned my lesson! But it doesn't stop him from asking for the same, and accuse me of "not caring about the children" when I say "no" . They're a very sick bunch!

yes they are

[tjay933]

is your daughter old enough to have her own email account? can you set one up and email her daily with funny stories or cute cartoons etc etc keeping in mind your ex will no doubt be reading them as well but if you keep it kid stuff only with nothing about adult issues you could keep a more constant touch with her. remind her of stories when she was born and cute things she did as a baby and stuff and how much you look forward to your next visits?

just my opinion.

[Eco]

is your daughter old enough to have her own email account? can you set one up and email her daily with funny stories or cute cartoons etc etc keeping in mind your ex will no doubt be reading them as well but if you keep it kid stuff only with nothing about adult issues you could keep a more constant touch with her. remind her of stories when she was born and cute things she did as a baby and stuff and how much you look forward to your next visits?

great idea for the future, she just turned 2 so not quite yet

[tjay933]

will your ex let you talk on the phone with her sometimes? just to say hi at least? and does she have a picture of you on her wall/bedside with the two of you together or would that be too much for your ex?

[tjay933]

maybe snail mail letters? hand delivered to her mailbox or would she even get them? through other family members that can be trusted?

[tjay933]

i know i know. i'm full of ideas. how about the next time you do get her, make it a day with lots of pictures and then put them in a dollar store photo album and give to her to take with her? kids love pictures and then she has something to remember the day with. or crafts for her to take with her if she's a crafty kid.

[Eco]

will your ex let you talk on the phone with her sometimes? just to say hi at least? and does she have a picture of you on her wall/bedside with the two of you together or would that be too much for your ex?

yes I can call but the order says with in reasonable limits, I wanted to call on the days I don't see her but my ex claims that its unreasonable so I call 2 times a week

as far as pics go I wanted to let her take a pic home of me, my daughter and her half bother (my 11 yr old son from another RS) but my ex refused. her other daughter has a pic of her and her dad, I feel that my ex is trying to alienate my daughter from me every way possible. I took my daughter to build a bear and we built a bear and I put a message in the bear for my daughter from me but my ex wont let her take it to her house, so I started leaving it at the daycare and my ex tried to block me from doing that but I got the daycares permission.

[Eco]

i know i know. i'm full of ideas. how about the next time you do get her, make it a day with lots of pictures and then put them in a dollar store photo album and give to her to take with her? kids love pictures and then she has something to remember the day with. or crafts for her to take with her if she's a crafty kid.

good idea but ex wont allow it. when I go to court im going to try and get that in the order.

[Ishenuts]

Do you have anything in your order about "fostering a affectionate relationship between the child and the other parent", or something like that? Did you have to go to co-parenting classes (mandatory in my state)? The stuff she is doing as far as refusing to let her have the bear, and determining "reasonable" calls are twice a week (What? Is she using your daughter's age as the reason? Because that will be the "norm" and you may have trouble changing it when she gets older), not allowing her to have a picture of you... .these are all actions clearly intended to Not foster an affectionate and loving relationship! I think the courts take that stuff seriously. Just don't call it PAS.

Nip it in the bud now, if you can, via contempt charges. 

[Eco]

Do you have anything in your order about "fostering a affectionate relationship between the child and the other parent", or something like that? Did you have to go to co-parenting classes (mandatory in my state)? The stuff she is doing as far as refusing to let her have the bear, and determining "reasonable" calls are twice a week (What? Is she using your daughter's age as the reason? Because that will be the "norm" and you may have trouble changing it when she gets older), not allowing her to have a picture of you... .these are all actions clearly intended to Not foster an affectionate and loving relationship! I think the courts take that stuff seriously. Just don't call it PAS.

Nip it in the bud now, if you can, via contempt charges

no she is saying that to busy taking care of 3 kids to take my calls.

no nothing in the order about fostering the other parent only that we should try to work together. my old lawyer did a very bad job. we had to do a parenting class of 2 hrs and that's it

thanks for the ideas, I will have to try to get that in there

[tjay933]

sounds to me that you are doing the best in a bad situation. seems you've covered or tried to cover any way possible to hold on to your daughter and stay a part of her life. you are doing a great job!   continue the fight in court for more rights and clarity on the orders and as she gets older keep fighting for more. the judge most likely took her age into consideration with mom getting custody but that may change once she is a bit older too.

and it sounds like your ex is definetely, imo, trying to keep her from you-and for no good reason other than being vindictive towards you. imo.

have a great week and stay safe.

[Eco]

sounds to me that you are doing the best in a bad situation. seems you've covered or tried to cover any way possible to hold on to your daughter and stay a part of her life. you are doing a great job!  love continue the fight in court for more rights and clarity on the orders and as she gets older keep fighting for more. the judge most likely took her age into consideration with mom getting custody but that may change once she is a bit older too.

and it sounds like your ex is definetely, imo, trying to keep her from you-and for no good reason other than being vindictive towards you. imo.

have a great week and stay safe.

thank you for that, you have a great week to