Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 03:14:11 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Survey: How do you compare?
Adult Children Sensitivity
67% are highly sensitive
Romantic Break-ups
73% have five or more recycles
Physical Hitting
66% of members were hit
Depression Test
61% of members are moderate-severe
108
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Non PD Parents co-parenting with BPD Parent: Help?  (Read 351 times)
TakesAVillage

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 10



« on: March 01, 2015, 11:58:36 PM »

I am finding BPD family the most amazing resource in my coparenting struggle with my high-functioning (surgeon) dBPD ex. I wish I'd thought to find you all earlier, but so glad I'm here now.

I'm digesting all the info that's coming my way; books, ideas, suggestions, empathies... .with deep gratitude.

I have 3 children; 7 & 5 y/0, fathered by my exhusband, and 2.5 y/o with my ex dBPD.

My exhusband and I have an amazing co-parenting relationship, so the contrast between the older kids' experience and my littlest one (the 2.5 with dBPD) is so different I am facing my own deficiencies in understanding how to help him deal with the issues he'll have in the years to come.

There are a few behaviors I've seen in my ex that will certainly come up:

1. He objectifies our son already, never referring to him by name but only as "my son" in almost any setting; court, emails, introductions, etc. I've also seen him ask our son to "perform" to get something, like hum a song to get dinner... .when he is very clearly upset and just wants to eat.

2. My ex's moods are extremely unstable and he is verbally abusive and physically intimidating.

3. He has been very public about his intentions to alienate me to our son, even maintaining a blog 2 years after our separation solely about me, circulating ranting emails to my family, friends and colleagues about me (I have been unable to get it remedied in court... .that's a different ball of wax).

There are more, of course, and will be more, but those are a few to start that I've seen and know are issues already.

For anyone with little kids  you share with your ex BPD partner: what can you tell me about what's important in YOUR parenting style when managing the difficulty he/she experiences in the other home?

IOW: do you need to bring extra validation to the table, for instance? Or manage the abuse directly? Etc...

I have another thread going on the legal board, but do just want to state that I'm trying desperately and will continue to bring these issues to light in the courts, but, as most of you know and I am learning, the fight with a savvy, professional, wealthy BPD is a staggeringly difficult road... .

Thank you so much for all of your help. Truly.

TakesAVillage
Logged
livednlearned
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 12731



« Reply #1 on: March 02, 2015, 11:51:25 AM »

The fact that your son who has a mama focusing on these things when he is so young, and that he will only be living with his dad part of the time -- that's going to go a long way. You have a lot working in your favor and can lay a really strong, healthy foundation.

My son isn't young but I still have a lot to say on this matter  Smiling (click to insert in post)

S13 was 9 when we split, so he did grow up in a confusing environment where reality was not always real, things were not always as they appeared. Feelings = facts for people with BPD, and this can be very confusing for a child. Some really important stuff happens developmentally between the ages of birth-6 yrs, and I was in the FOG and didn't learn about validation until age 11.

So validation. Validation validation validation validation. Learn that technique inside and out. You're going to be the most important person in your son's life, because you will validate for him that his feelings are real, which is at the core of building a stable sense of self. His dad won't be able to do that, so your son will need validation times ten.

My ex is highly narcissistic too, like yours. What was very confusing for my son, and actually hit his self esteem hard, was the idealization stuff. If your ex treats him like the "golden child" where your son can do no harm, that can create a very fragile ego with narcissistic traits. For example, N/BPDx would hear S13 singing when he was 5 or 6 and tell him "You have the best voice I've ever heard, better than any grown up singer, and could be an opera start with those pipes." Does he have a nice voice? Um, it's ok. Nothing special. S13 would like the attention, but would be confused about the praise because it seemed so grand. He didn't seem to know what to do with praise that wasn't really attached to his own interests, or his own efforts, and it was always so over the top. It could never just be, "Hey, I love it when you sing. Makes me feel good to hear you happy like that." It also made it so that S13 had a hard time making mistakes. S13 isn't not narcissistic in the classic way, but he does struggle with inferiority issues. He feels like a bit fat zero if he isn't the best at something. So as a result he has a lot of anxiety.

In 3rd grade S13 was labeled gifted and only if you are married to a narcissist can you understand how this could possibly be a difficult thing. If you read any of Carol Dweck's work on growth mindset (grit, resilience), you can see how a gifted kid with a narc dad would be susceptible to developing a fixed mindset. Meaning, you are either inherently brilliant, or you are not. That meant when S13 couldn't do something, he felt worthless, and wouldn't try. It's taken some heroics to try and turn that ship around. In 4th grade, S13's teacher indicated there might be a learning disability. I have a mild one and figured he needed to get tested. N/BPDx stonewalled and obstructed the process because to him it meant that S13 was less than. Even though I'm finishing a phd and clearly it hasn't held me back, and in fact probably helps me in some ways, N/BPDx did not want S13 to have a learning disability, even though he does.

One thing, too, that's important -- start teaching your child as young as possible about the difference between lies, privacy, secrecy, forgetting, with holding. Turn it into a game where you come up with a scenario, and together you try to figure out if it's a case of lying, secrecy, privacy, or whatnot. Obviously when your kid is older, since developmentally he's not there yet. He's going to need help making sense of truth and reality, and you're going to want to have privacy so he doesn't become a go-between who reports on what you're doing. So helping him sort out the moral challenges to lying -- which we all do in very complex contextual ways -- needs a head start. It will help him a ton in middle school  Being cool (click to insert in post)

The good news is that these are easy things. The hardest part is working on yourself. It takes a lot of self awareness to notice when you are defending yourself. Kids who have a BPD parent need someone who can help them use their emotions to confirm their belief system, and that is largely about their feelings not yours, unless you are working on boundaries.

I found it challenging to stay present and validate S13's feelings when the topic was about me, or when it was an outright bald-faced lie. For example, if your son comes home and tells you his dad says you had sex with 10 men at once, it's very hard to not defend yourself. But the key is recognizing that your son is telling you this because he can't make sense of it and it might even frighten him. What if you leave to be with one of those men and no one is there to take care of him? So you have to focus on what he's feeling. "You must feel upset to hear that. Does it make you feel afraid to think that I might behave like that?" Meanwhile, as you try to bring your pulse back to 60bpm and get your breathing under control, you think about asking him what he thinks. "Why do you think daddy would say that?" And eventually, you will begin to learn that your son gets what is happening. ":)addy is hurt and gets scared when he thinks I might love someone else instead of him."

Then you realize that you did a great job and your child understands emotions and people better than most kids his age. And adults too, probably.  Smiling (click to insert in post)





Logged

Breathe.
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!