Depression in young child?

[knockitoff]

My SS7 seems to be showing signs of depression, but I'm no professional and I wanted some input from others. My SO and I share 50/50 custody of him with his uBPDM, and we find that he behaves like a brat for at least the first day that we get him back from mom. It appears that over at mom's he has no rules or boundaries and she connects with him through materialism/spoiling, for example, giving a constant stream of new toys, trips to Disneyland, and as much TV and screen time as he wants. He does no homework, in fact, he recently had a 3 week project due for class that we didn't know about until the final week because uBPDM withheld the assignment letter from us, then told us she was doing the assignment with him, then took him to Disneyland and kept him out of school two extra days without telling us, and then told us on the project due date that they didn't do it and if we could do half for late credit "that'd be great." So when we have custody, he sasses back, ignores when spoken to, whines and moans upon basic simple house/chore requests (like clearing his plate after dinner) and more worrisome, doesn't really like to do anything. He moans when we take hikes, bike rides, or just walks. (Once he's started he's better, but still will whine all the way up the mountain.) He hates sports (ok, some people just aren't into that, I get it) he hates reading, drawing, nature, school, and most food except sugar. I understand that these things could just be personality-driven, but he doesn't seem to be passionate about anything except passive entertainment like Minecraft or TV. He participates in these completely slack-jawed, mouth-breathing, glassy-eyed. SO used to limit TV to Friday nights but then they started Minecraft because it's allegedly good for kids and the screen time has been creeping back in to everyday life. We expect very different levels of behavior at our house (I don't do much correcting except on a basic respect level to keep it simple, I'm the stepmom) and I feel like the boy is starting to be resentful of the different household rules at two houses, he glowers and seethes a lot. And sighs hopelessly. The lack of passion concerns me the most I guess. I've spent a lot of time around children in my life, babysat as a teenager, worked in a private preschool, was a private nanny for years. I'm not used to seeing listless children, but maybe I've just been lucky. His dad also has problems being consistent, I feel, because he has diagnosed ADHD. So boy will be punished one minute and then ten minutes later he asks for candy and gets it. (Partly because his dad doesn't want the fight to last forever because he remembers what that kind of punishment was like when he would fight with his ex. Sometimes I feel that SO's anger is disproportionate as well.) In the past, SO has taken away SS7's toys for bad behavior and SS7 improved immediately, would become more cheerful and creative and interested in daily life. Now SO just threatens to do the same and never does, so I think SS7 is suffering from anxiety and depression from inconsistency at our house plus spoiling at uBPDM's house. Poor little guy. He's otherwise sweet and generous and funny and smart. I don't know how to address this with my SO, because he takes things very personally as a single father, he is still bearing scars from being attacked by his ex for so many years. Any thoughts or pointers or advice on how to tackle this one? Does this sound like childhood anxiety and depression?

[Panda39]

Hi Knockitoff 

Alot of your post sounds very familiar to me.  My SO and I used to joke that we had to de-program is daughters after a visit with their uBPDmom.  The ":)isneyland Mom" thing I think is a reaction to that fear of abandonment.  I think uBPDmom thinks if she make the kids happy, gives the kids everything they want and don't make them do the things they don't want to do (homework)... .no boundaries... .then her house is better than dads and the kids will want to be with her... .they won't leave her... .they won't abandon her.  Because the pwBPD is only concerned with their own feelings they have no idea that their behaviors and lack of boundaries are not good for their kids.

I'm certainly not qualified to diagnose depression in your SS but I will say in my opinion all children with a BPD parent should be in therapy so they have a neutral person to talk to, they have someone that can help them cope with a mentally ill parent and give them support.  Also if you do look for a therapist for him be sure they know what BPD is and that they have good boundaries themselves (because BPDmoms like to bust boundaries).  As an additional support you might want to see if your son's school has a school counselor that he can talk with if he's struggling there and clue them in on what his home situation is... .this might help get some flexiblity when BPDmom doesn't do what she's supposed to do in terms of school.

Also don't wait for mom to communicate school assignments to you. Talk with your SS7's teacher and see if she wiould be willing to get duplicate information to your SO or maybe she could just email him weekly with what's coming up.  I'm sure this isn't the first time his teacher has had to deal with divorced parents in conflict with each other.

My SO and I long ago learned to go straight to "the source" whether the girl scout troup leader, the doctor or school.  This way you know you are getting accurate information.

It's really great that you have found your way here. This website has been such a God Send in terms of support, ideas and encouragement for me I know it will be for you too.  There is a whole group of step-moms here that are a terrific bunch of women and I'm glad to add you to our number.

Your Step-son is lucky to have you in his corner 

[tjay933]

good comments and suggestions Panda, I agree whole heartedly. 

your ss7 is quite young and is no doubt confused with so much change/drama happening. I don't know that I would call it depression but maybe he's just having difficulty adapting to having one parent in one place and the other in another place with completely contrary house rules. that is a very life altering thing to happen to one so young so some anxiety will play in it. yes his mothers uBPD spoiling him isn't helping any. It may be that his mother is causing some form of guilt for his not being with her onto him. he is after all the one she will be trying to enmesh with now.

my son does the same thing with my being the one he does homework with and my BPDh being the "fun" one. And he tends to mope around after seeing his dad. I try to break up any chores/homework with "fun" time for him as rewards. If he finishes such and such by such and such a time he can have x#minutes on top of any time he saved by finishing before the set time. so if he has to finish abc in 20 min and he finishes in 15 he gets the 5 min he saved plus the break time to have "fun". I am also very careful to make sure that he has "me & mommy" time every day at the same time where we just have cuddles and laughs regardless of whether he has finished homework or not. Don't know how you can broach the issue with your SO. maybe someone else has ideas on that?

[livednlearned]

Hi knockitoff,

Your SS sounds like my son. He isn't into sports, could live off of sugar, was obsessed with Minecraft (he has outgrown it). I'm the opposite, so it's been a real challenge to figure out how to connect.

It's totally within the realm of possibility that your SS is stressed, and may be showing signs of depression. Depression tends to look different in kids, and can be very situational and context dependent, though the underlying emotions tend to run through everything they do.

I think my son prefers screen time to real people interactions because he doesn't read emotions very well. I had to really up my game there, and start learning about validation big time. I also had to tap into the patience of saints and recognize that he is more emotionally immature than other kids because: BPD parent. And also me -- I grew up in a dysfunctional home and have had to learn things that healthy families do.

The best book I've read to help me with discipline and boundary setting is Parenting with Love and Logic. There is also a really good Parenting Teens with Love and Logic. You just can't get angry with these kids. You can't. They get such confusing messages from their BPD parents, and not a lot of great role models for self-control and emotional regulation. All of that is going to have to come from you.

like Panda39 said, I think it's important for our kids to see therapists. I also think it's as important if not more so for us to see a really skilled therapist. A lot of "non-disordered" parents tend to have unhealthy families of origin. That's part of the reason many of us -- like me --  walked right into a BPD relationship, not having the emotional IQ to recognize the warning signs because it all looked so familiar.

Therapy is important to help put some attention on where we need to put some effort so our kids see good boundary behaviors modeled for them.

Also, Minecraft is very cool. If you have any kind of maker spaces in your area, or studios where there are other kids doing Minecraft, see if you can get your SS involved. Maybe the public library? Or start a group? My son learned some very impressive programming and began to do his own modding. It can be a very social thing if you start connecting your son to other kids who are into it. And if you show an interest, it will validate him where it counts. He can start building and collaborating with other kids. It isn't as obvious as team work in sports, but it's the same thing. It's just geeky and nerdy and a bit different, but can be super creative.

[Turkish]

Panda's suggestion to not trust his mom passing on school info is good. To put a spin on the old adage, "don't trust, verify."

There is only so much you can do, however, if your husband isn't on the same page. It's better to be "on the wrong page" together, than your SS receiving 3 different messages. Though you can't control what your husband does, it might be good to work on him and you being a team. That way, when your SS is at your home, he gets a consistent message.

I may be going out on a limb here, but it sounds like your H may feel like he's walking on eggshells around his son to not deal with what he needs to deal with as a father.

[Panda39]

There is only so much you can do, however, if your husband isn't on the same page. It's better to be "on the wrong page" together, than your SS receiving 3 different messages. Though you can't control what your husband does, it might be good to work on him and you being a team. That way, when your SSvis at your home, he gets a consistent message.

I agree with Turkish you can only control what goes on in your home, so work on that.  What are the rules and boundaries at your house?  If you aren't sure, or you think one thing and he thinks another sit down with your honey and talk about what you'd both like to see and make it happen.  Son eating too much candy/sweets at mom's? Create boundaries around sugar at your house that you feel are appropriate.  What boundaries should you have around homework?  What behaviors are acceptable? Plan it with your honey so he buys in, talk to him about how important being consistent is and how important boundaries are.  Below is an article on the subject if he wants to read something about it.

www.national.deseretnews.com/article/177/Consistency-boundaries-key-to-healthy-child-development.html?pg=all

[knockitoff]

Thanks for all the good advice here. This is all really helpful and I'm so grateful for the sounding board.

[Panda39]

How have things been going?