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Author Topic: She finally had P appointment  (Read 423 times)
maxsterling
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Relationship status: living together, engaged
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« on: March 06, 2015, 04:57:18 PM »

Yesterday was her intake P appointment.  All went well, and she thought the P was very knowledgeable and to the point.  That's really what I want to see - her have a P that she feels comfortable communicating with.  What she and the P decide at this point I leave between them.  She expressed the desire to have a baby.  P suggested she go off all meds and see how she does, then monitor her from there.  He told her that in many cases, the risk of the mental illness on the baby is far greater than the risk of the meds.  So he suggested that should she decide to get pregnant, to monitor her very closely for changes in mood and behavior. 

Good news here is that she feels comfortable with him, says he is competent, and that he recognizes risks and will be proactive. 
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takingandsending
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« Reply #1 on: March 09, 2015, 10:57:02 AM »

Hi max,

You may have already posted on the topic of children, but where do you stand on having kids with your wife? I don't want to be off base here, but when I read your post and see,
She expressed the desire to have a baby.

I wonder what is your desire?

I only ask this, because I know from my own experience that I wasn't certain about having children, and after many years where my wife hadn't wanted children, she suddenly had a change of heart. And to my discredit, despite having some strong misgivings, I agreed. She had emerged from a period of depression after dealing with memories of sexual abuse, and she seemed much more confident, was exercising and seemed to be in a good place. I was concerned that having a child, living in an isolated rural community (at the time), would undermine the growth and stability that she seemed to be undergoing. I never even considered my own self, which is my MO. In the end we agreed to try. She mostly enjoyed the attention and feeling of being special through the pregnancy, but just prior to the due date, she began to tailspin into massive anxiety attacks. I chalked it up to hormones, and later, after our son was born, I attributed it to postpartum depression. Only 8 years later did I learn about BPD, and I can tell you that I fight more days than not to try to find a path between child raising and negotiating with BPD - it doesn't work.

Waverider once said that the face of BPD often is revealed at child birth. That was definitely the case with my wife. In your case, your wife already has her hands full in treatment. I would be very concerned that having a child would exacerbate all of her symptoms and your own reticence in your RS with her to a very difficult level. And, then again, the opposite may happen. I do recall the Rachel Reiland book, where she stated that her T flat out told her not to have another child until she had better awareness and control of her BPD thought processes. Every situation is different, but I think that type of approach is a necessity viewing my own choices that I made. Because, in the end, these children we choose to bring into the world are dependent on us for everything, including that first choice.

I am saying this from the depths of my heart, max. I don't pretend to know or understand all of your RS dynamics. I am thrilled that your wife had a good first session with her P, and I hope and pray that that continues. And if you both want children, I hope and pray that you have them at the time that is right for you and for them. It is such an incredible blessing and journey to be a father. And it can be so very difficult and isolating when your partner has a mental illness and you can't communicate with them and your kids needs are going unmet or unsupported. I am sorry if this advice/caution is amiss. It is a hugely personal choice, and I am not even certain where you stand with it. Obviously, your post has brought out a lot that I have yet to resolve. Anyway, I do hope for the best for you both, and I encourage you to be thoughtful as you always are when the time comes to make your choices around having children.

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Notwendy
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« Reply #2 on: March 09, 2015, 11:29:06 AM »

Also a touchy point with me, being the daughter of a mom with BPD.

First and foremost: I am glad to be here! Smiling (click to insert in post)

The decision to have a child is complicated. Part of a mature decision to have a child is to raise that child to be who he or she is meant to be- a separate individual with a mind of their own and a destiny of their own. The desire is to be giving to the child, and nurture them.

The trouble comes when the person with PD has a desire to raise a child in order to fulfill something missing in them. It is about what the child will do for them, not about what they can do for the child. The "child" they want is the idealized child, however, since children don't come into this world with the primary purpose of meeting their parents needs, they can also be painted black. I think this happened about the time I first made a messy poop or threw up. My mother tells a story about how I threw up on her carpet on purpose. ( I was a toddler).

Dad was wise enough ( and was able to) to hire sitters and household help for mom. He had no idea what was going on with my mom, but I get the sense that he knew not to have her do the hands on unpleasant work of child care. We didn't appreciate that as kids. We wanted a mommy like our friends had- a mommy who raised them and took care of them. However, I am grateful for that now.

Dad also had to take on the role of both parents and breadwinner. This means taking us out for dinner many nights to get us away from her bad moods, driving us places, homework help. This also meant he had a special role in our lives. I have discussed his co-dependency with mom, however, I also owe much of who I am, in the positive sense- to my father and I adored him.

Since I was painted black, I have had a tumultuous relationship with my mother.

Max, if you want a child, you must take into account your wife's ability to parent one and recognize that the outcome for that child depends entirely on you, your ability to manage your wife and the role of both parents. It will also depend on your financial ability to hire someone to care for the child in the event that you must be out of the home.

Financially, it means having a large enough insurance policy to include hiring child care as well as help for your wife if you are the main breadwinner.

As I said before, I am glad and grateful to be here, and I owe the happy aspects of my childhood to my father.
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formflier
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« Reply #3 on: March 14, 2015, 12:24:43 PM »

 

Max,

this is great news.

What is the next step with the P?  Next apppointment?

Does the P have a T on his staff that she will be going to?

How long until the ceremony?

I've been busy and off the boards... .trying to get caught up...

FF
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