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« on: March 06, 2015, 07:00:36 PM »

I'm posting because this is a situation specific to our household, and want to find out if this sounds familiar to anyone else.

Coincidentally, my realization that therapy would no longer help me with my wife, I also realized no other entity could help me in my job search. I became more matter-of-fact in my demeanor. Not angry or sad, but a little quieter. I guess my focus on the tasks ahead was noticeable.

My wife instantly became more loving and supportive. No mental crashes for a week and a half now. She even did the unheard of and cleaned the house a little. She hasn't snapped at me about anything. It's great, but odd.

I'm still trying to wrap my brain around this, so I can keep acting this way, at some level, if it helps.

Thanks to everyone who reached out to me regarding my previous posts.
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« Reply #1 on: March 07, 2015, 04:11:13 AM »

Sounds like you are being consistent and not being reactive.

The normal pattern is action>reaction>counter reaction> counter reaction to the counter reaction... and so on. It dissolves into chaos. pwBPD can't handle chaos even if they are masters of creating it. To avoid chaos they need to have someone in their life who can provide stability and predictability. If you follow them into chaos they escalate out of panic.

Once you have stability you are on the way to adressing conflict. Once conflict reduced you can that start to rebuild functionality in the relationship as you will be on the same team.
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« Reply #2 on: March 07, 2015, 10:40:51 AM »

Thanks Waverider.

You had just mentioned the "Martyr Stance" in another active thread, and added a "Lessons" link in another. Every concept I add to the pile has been helpful.

As for your post here... .

Yes, I'm coming across as more firm and focused. I've had a lot of bad things happen to me recently, and she was reacting to that. It took me a while to get to the point where I could stop worrying about problems that were out of my control. One of those problems is obviously her, although I feel really bad describing her that way. (Seems like no one here is going to judge me for it.)

I'm definitely not announcing she is "cured," but having me act in a no-nonsense way is helping for now. She straight-out asked me for sympathy this morning, which is a first. Usually I don't know she needs it until it's too late.

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« Reply #3 on: March 07, 2015, 04:04:35 PM »

I thought I'd mention that my uBPDh completely falls apart when I have major stresses going on in my life. I used to wonder why he couldn't be there for me (he always said he wanted to, but when I asked, he just wasn't there ) and I now realize he just can't do it.  That realization alone has made our interactions better. I don't expect something he can't deliver.
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« Reply #4 on: March 08, 2015, 11:58:51 AM »

More of a typical morning, versus the last week and a half:

My pwBPD was preparing to leave for her parent's house, despite her constant desire to stay home. I could tell she wasn't thrilled.

--Me: "While you're gone, I'm thinking of ripping a few more of my CDs while buzzing around the apartment to do some extra cleaning. If you need me to do anything specific, let me know.

--pwBPD, 10 minutes later: "I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but I really think you should clean the apartment. You really shouldn't rip CDs when you always forget to clean the kitchen. And the recycling bin is overflowing."

I looked in the kitchen. I had already filled the dishwasher, there was only seven dishes on the counter, and the lid was still on the recycling bin. I thought about this forum while I tried to figure out what to say that wouldn't set her off.

--Me: "Sure. I had mentioned I was going to clean up... ."

--pwBPD, walking away: "I'm just saying. You don't have to get defensive about it."

I decided to clean before she left. Quietly. In less than 20 minutes, I cleaned the kitchen, swept the floors, then got the recycling, trash and cardboard in separate bags. I grabbed donations she had put behind the front door and was about to leave for the basement.

--pwBPD: "Ooo, you got the cardboard, too. And it's going to be nice to be able to open the door without that stuff in the way.

Her donations had been the problem all along. I had no idea. She walked out the door to leave, but turned around first.

-pwBPD: ":)o you know what you should do while I'm gone? Your taxes."

She hasn't done her taxes either. I kept my mouth shut and helped get her laundry to her car. No 'thank you.'

Now I'm sitting here purging instead of doing more cleaning... .or my taxes.

Yup, that's a more typical morning.

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« Reply #5 on: March 08, 2015, 10:22:44 PM »

Nice update. Consistency is key.

I would often give my Ex choices (thinking she didn't want to be controlled), and it would trigger her. For a person who suffers from emotional dysregulation, having a partner who is consistent goes a long way. It's hard to stop walking on the eggshells, but doing so helps no one, least of all one's self...
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« Reply #6 on: March 09, 2015, 12:59:20 AM »

You could try a bit of humour

-pwBPD: ":)o you know what you should do while I'm gone? Your taxes."

Or I could just dance around naked while your out, mice will play and all that...
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« Reply #7 on: March 09, 2015, 02:11:24 AM »

Nice update. Consistency is key.

I would often give my Ex choices (thinking she didn't want to be controlled), and it would trigger her. For a person who suffers from emotional dysregulation, having a partner who is consistent goes a long way. It's hard to stop walking on the eggshells, but doing so helps no one, least of all one's self...

I'm assuming you mean consistency as in me keeping calm. Like not responding with something like "WTH... .I just SAID I was going to clean and the kitchen's almost done already. Plus, how many times have you seen me multitasking while I'm waiting for each CD to rip?"

Can you give an example or two of choices you offered that triggered her?

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« Reply #8 on: March 11, 2015, 01:41:33 PM »

Thank you in advance for letting me vent.

We're going to our weekly couple's therapy session later today, and again, I have to figure out how to carefully word a request that I'm only able to breach in front of a psychologist (our "moderator".

My W woke up really low again. She saw me on a forum I frequent and got agitated. At least she was relatively calm when she announced her displeasure, but I saw tears streaming down her face. I know for a fact that she surfed around on the forum and linked me to my screen name, because she berated people who use Google Image for picture identification. I'm one of the few people who do that on the site. Wow.

What I've learned is that she doesn't like me doing anything via my computer that I find comfort in.

1. Writing, or writing and posting to my website. I had to shut down my website because she would continually check it, compliment me, and later get irritated and demeaning.

2. Looking at any websites to read for pleasure. Even Gutenberg is out, but physical books are somehow OK.

3. Forums of any sort. Obviously, I keep this site a secret. If she knew I was on here talking about her, she'd pretty much have a meltdown. She saw me here yesterday, but I had to foresight to tell her I've been on a Microsoft forum while I learn 8.1 and Office. If I hear her approaching, I now quickly change tabs to the Microsoft site that I keep open on purpose.

The problem is that I have no more hobbies left. I've even grown tired of walking around the city because she continually berates me for being a big-city wannabe. This, coming from a woman who only watches Netflix and obsessively plays some game on her tablet similar to Tetris, but one that uses falling items that look like medication capsules. Ironic.

I can't even stay up late to squeeze in a little more computer-learning time. She gets upset if I don't go to bed exactly when she does.

So again, I'm trying to hang on to any shred of personal identity by negotiating with her in front of a therapist. It feels dehumanizing, but I understand that this is what I have to do for our relationship. I might be able to find a job-search forum that she'd be OK with. Then I'm off to CBT tomorrow, which I use to keep my brain from exploding.

The intimacy is still not there, but at least she's been a little more loving. She even smiles once in a while.

Whoever got all the way through this, I appreciate it.
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« Reply #9 on: March 11, 2015, 02:58:31 PM »

I wonder if she fears you'll cheat going online? Due to a core abandonment fear, maybe even innocuous online activities feel like abandonment to her?

I'm a compulsive reader. My Ex hated this (though supposedly being all for education, and working in the field herself). I remember her criticizing me for reading so much one time and a person who heard it said, "what's wrong with that?" That outside opinion shut her down.

My ex never understood my need to read, and in the last two years, most of it fiction as a way to escape or calm myself. It was, however, taking time away from her.

She also came into the room once when I was on the site. I always erased my browsing history just in case, but she in general she wasn't savvy enough to check.
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« Reply #10 on: March 11, 2015, 04:57:06 PM »

Due to a core abandonment fear, maybe even innocuous online activities feel like abandonment to her?

I hate to think so, but absolutely yes.

I always erased my browsing history just in case, but she in general she wasn't savvy enough to check.

I'm on private browsing mode all the time now. And since she tracked me down on one site, I have to be extra careful about being here. I just password-locked my phone and tablet.

During therapy, I did have to announce that I would need some sort of interesting activity, and wanted to seek out something substantial like a mental health forum and/or a job-search forum. Our therapist agreed that would be a good way to occupy my mind. I rolled the dice and said I would like to keep any future site activity private, like closing the bathroom door during certain toilet visits. They both laughed the analogy. Will that privacy request make her work harder to find out where I am online? Maybe. But I thought it best to be semi-aboveboard.
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« Reply #11 on: March 11, 2015, 09:32:09 PM »

You like to do stuff for you.

She doesn't like it when you do.

So you stop

You resent having to sneak to do anything, as that is the precedent that has been set by trying to avoid displeasing her

Life is still no better

In fact its worse as you have given up your interests

Is that the sum of it?
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« Reply #12 on: March 12, 2015, 08:31:26 AM »

You like to do stuff for you. She doesn't like it when you do. So you stop You resent having to sneak to do anything, as that is the precedent that has been set by trying to avoid displeasing her Life is still no better In fact its worse as you have given up your interests Is that the sum of it?

I like answering these questions because it helps me focus my thoughts and have the correct perspective.

Our relationship is improving, but it makes her lows more bizarre. I feel empowered now when it comes to handling her frustration and tears, but I'm definitely far from perfect.

Lamictal is helping with my own issues, which makes my end of the relationship better. The low dose of Klonopin is helping me sleep through the night for the first time in my life.

Here's the sticky part: She's right about some of her opinions regarding my unemployment activities; some of them aren't advancing my future employment opportunities. Yet I do need at least one down-time distraction, and I found it annoying that I had to negotiate it with a therapist in the room.

She woke up a little too happy and energetically chatty this morning, which historically means there will be some dip below the "normal" threshold. At least I'm leaving for CBT in a few hours, and my absence can be stabilizing for her.

Add additional questions if you think I need them. Thanks. 
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« Reply #13 on: March 12, 2015, 03:57:50 PM »

Do you have a desire for a little private "me" time where you can just do your thing without having to explain or negotiate it with anyone?

A time where you can be trusted to not do anything harmful, but allow yourself to fully relax, and is not about betterment, but simply relaxation and taking the intensity out of life?

I have managed to introduce a new hobby which takes me away from everyone and anything, with lots of quiet time. There was a time when this would have been ruined by having to keep within a time frame and resenting that, and further ruined by ruminating on aspects of the RS. Now I totally switch off, go where I feel like and be back when i'm done, and it doesn't create any waves or conflict. Its now just normal precedent.
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« Reply #14 on: March 12, 2015, 04:01:04 PM »

I like answering these questions because it helps me focus my thoughts and have the correct perspective. 

This is good as we aim to ask questions so that you can find your own path, rather than try to tell folks what to do. Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #15 on: March 12, 2015, 05:21:24 PM »

I'm on private browsing mode all the time now. And since she tracked me down on one site, I have to be extra careful about being here. I just password-locked my phone and tablet.

Ha. Me too. Sometimes I forgot to close the browser and it was left open on the computer, but she never said anything about it. Knowing her I assume she would have blasted about it a long time ago... .

And if she does know that I am here: Hi wife! How do you enjoy this forum? Do you think perhaps going to therapy will be helpful for us?

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« Reply #16 on: March 13, 2015, 08:37:24 AM »

Hi wife! How do you enjoy this forum?

Hello, Joshb's wife. Please don't take his statement the wrong way. He's just using sarcasm to make me laugh. And he succeeded.

Can I say hello to my own W?

Hi, wife. I wish you wouldn't have tried to track me down again, especially after I told you I needed a substantial private activity involving mental-health issues. But now that you have, please understand that I'm just trying to better our relationship. You know how close we are... .I wish we could talk about BPD, even though you find it a very uncomfortable subject.
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« Reply #17 on: March 13, 2015, 09:32:10 AM »

Sticking to the subject heading: She feels OK this morning.

Do you have a desire for a little private "me" time where you can just do your thing without having to explain or negotiate it with anyone?

A time where you can be trusted to not do anything harmful, but allow yourself to fully relax, and is not about betterment, but simply relaxation and taking the intensity out of life?

Absolutely. And I've told her that. But it bothers her, and when she's low, it makes her cry. Knowing her BPD symptoms, I would have to assume she doesn't like me doing anything that excludes her.

I'm going to open a giant can of worms with this one, but it was something I realized a couple days ago:

Before I started CBT/REBT, I was drinking to dull the frustration and anxiety. I would wake up early, sometimes before dawn, and walk to the liquor store for a flask. I'd walk a few blocks out of my way to get back to the apartment, taking a couple swigs in public. That trip was the only time I felt like an independent person. (I haven't had a drink for six months now.)

Extra Credit Anecdote: I'd chew some gum right before walking back into the apartment so I wouldn't have ethanol on my breath. Residual ethanol can linger for as long as 15-20 minutes. Then the booze starts metabolizing, which is when you start smelling the ethanol as you exhale. I know this because I had done two wine tastings, and had a couple volunteers use breathalyzers every 15 minutes so they understood the fallacy of "I feel OK to drive" versus true BAC. Everyone should do it... .it's an eye-opener.

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« Reply #18 on: March 13, 2015, 02:49:22 PM »

Was it the drinking that made you feel like an independent person, the walk alone, the doing something that you hadn't done in 6 months, the taking the swigs in public?

What I find interesting is that it didn't seem to be just taking the walk alone that did it for you. It was almost like you were being a teenage rebel.
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« Reply #19 on: March 13, 2015, 03:00:57 PM »

Was it the drinking that made you feel like an independent person, the walk alone, the doing something that you hadn't done in 6 months, the taking the swigs in public?

What I find interesting is that it didn't seem to be just taking the walk alone that did it for you. It was almost like you were being a teenage rebel.



I started smoking again since she hated it.
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« Reply #20 on: March 13, 2015, 04:17:18 PM »

I started smoking again since she hated it.

Ouch! Sounds like biting off your nose to spite your face.
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« Reply #21 on: March 14, 2015, 10:14:56 AM »

Was it the drinking that made you feel like an independent person, the walk alone, the doing something that you hadn't done in 6 months, the taking the swigs in public? What I find interesting is that it didn't seem to be just taking the walk alone that did it for you. It was almost like you were being a teenage rebel.

I was doing something she didn't know about; something that I had control over without her permission or "interference." I felt free.

Walking alone didn't do the trick, even if she never knew where I was specifically going. She would constantly put me down for being more of a glorified tourist. That would be followed by her bragging about how long she's been here, all the places she's gone and how great she is at driving here. It didn't matter that I had gathered a vast amount of facts regarding the city, and had been to most of the places she had gone... .I had just been to those types of places in different cities. That, and I was actually walking, while her M.O. is bed-sofa-bed-sofa, every single day. I loved walking here, but she made me hate it. Multiple times, I invited her to go out with me, or to do something different together, but there was always an excuse. Those excuses ended with her saying "You never go anywhere and we never go anywhere and it's your fault."

Interactions and contradictions like that made me feel like my head was in a vice. So the secret drinking numbed me, and gave me something she couldn't criticize me about. I hid it pretty well because I would spread out my drinks. I was never that drunk. But once my drinking got excessive and my body decided to rebel, I had to own up to it. She left me for a month and told everyone she knew that I was an alcoholic. Reputation: obliterated.

At least for me, being labeled an alcoholic opened up a lot of doors. I now have better therapists, more of them, and was finally connected to resources that are actually helping me, and our relationship. Oh, the irony.
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« Reply #22 on: March 21, 2015, 09:56:48 AM »

I've mentioned in several threads that things have been better lately between me and my W. One of the nicer changes (there are several) is that she hasn't been waking up angry and/or crying.

So we were talking this morning and she casually mentioned she cut her lithium down from three pills a day to two. It coincides almost perfectly with her change in mood and motivation. I said "You probably cut it about a month ago, right?" She said yes. The question didn't even surprise her.

This whole time, I thought she had been taking one a day. Her former psychiatrist had upped her dose about a year ago and my W didn't tell me. Not that I'm a professional, but it honestly could have helped me put some of the pieces together.
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