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Author Topic: Buying a home and it's stressful  (Read 863 times)
Cloudy Days
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« on: March 09, 2015, 03:18:47 PM »

Me and my husband are attempting to buy a home. It has been stressful to say the least. My husband was not happy with any house that we looked at. Then we finally found a home both of us liked and had some land (wanted to stay away from neighbors). Now it turns out he does not have good enough credit to secure the loan with me. But good news because I have good enough credit and make enough money to have it only in my name. For some reason this really angered him, now he keeps saying "you don't need me" and saying I am sitting on my high horse because I have better credit than him. I get it that he would like to be the provider but this is ridiculous. He will still be helping me pay for the home and by law he gets 1/2 of what I own, his name will be on the title too. I've made it clear that I need him.

Right now he keeps saying if this loan doesn't go through he is leaving me and moving to another state. Seriously... .I just don't understand why he has to make stressful situations so much more stressful. I have always been told buying a home is stressful but it may be too much with someone who has BPD. I am sick of trying to make a decision that is going to affect me for 30 years and having my husband tell me he is going to take off to another state because he is temporarily unhappy with something.
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misuniadziubek
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« Reply #1 on: March 10, 2015, 11:39:14 AM »

Right now he keeps saying if this loan doesn't go through he is leaving me and moving to another state. Seriously... .I just don't understand why he has to make stressful situations so much more stressful. I have always been told buying a home is stressful but it may be too much with someone who has BPD. I am sick of trying to make a decision that is going to affect me for 30 years and having my husband tell me he is going to take off to another state because he is temporarily unhappy with something.

Honestly? He's projecting his feelings onto you. He wants to see you feel bad like he does. It's a very immature reaction, threatening something so severe, but he doesn't know how to express the severity of his own disappointment. He wants to feel like you guys are on one team and that he can equally provide towards your home, that he is part of this as well and since he doesn't possess the credit to secure the loan with you, he feels excluded and unneeded. This is a huge deal for both of you. The process of even finding a home has been stressful enough but now he finds out that he can't contribute something crucial when it comes down to it. He simply can't handle that particular stress.

He tells you that you're "sitting on your high horse" because you have better credit because he now feels inferior in the relationship and is projecting that onto you, making it seem like you think you are better than him.

The logic behind it, helping pay and being entitled to half doesn't make a difference to his internal turmoil. He doesn't know how to deal with his own disappointment and is seeing everything through those very cloudy glasses and you can't change that.

This isn't your responsibility, his reaction, but he is your h, so I guess the best you can do is to somehow validate his feelings, make him feel like you understand where these reactions come from. Remind him of all the times he's contributed to your household, relationship, anything to make him feel important and crucial to the relationship, all the times you couldn't have made it through by yourself. Do this at random and indirectly, rather than just as a response to his arguments because otherwise he will feel you are trying to manipulate him rather than being honest.
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #2 on: March 10, 2015, 04:46:49 PM »

Uhg, this really sucks for you.   

Right now he keeps saying if this loan doesn't go through he is leaving me and moving to another state

... .make a decision that is going to affect me for 30 years and having my husband tell me he is going to take off to another state because he is temporarily unhappy with something.

Do you really want to go through with this? *IF* he does go off, dysregulate, and move to another state, you will find yourself without his income, with a loan in your name, and with a house that you can't sell without his permission since he is named as a joint owner of it!

Can you handle that situation? Could you afford the payments on your own?

Can you even risk that possibility?
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Cloudy Days
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« Reply #3 on: March 11, 2015, 11:39:16 AM »

He can't move to another state unless we sold the house. We are using his money to buy the house, so he would not leave without getting his piece of it. This is something we both want, unless he somehow wins the lottery he cannot just up and leave. He could take the money he has now and leave but that is going to contribute to the loan. He thinks I only need him for his money. I could most likely make the payments on my own. I would be broke but it's doable.

I like the idea of finding ways of telling him how I needed him for something. I will work on that. We have been both going through a heck of a lot, legal issues that have just been decided and my father passing away very recently as well as our car breaking down and us having to make the decision to spend more money to fix it than what the car is actually worth. We live in a bad neighborhood by a train, highway and shooting range that is very loud, seriously it sucks. It's very hard for him to go outside because he gets triggered easily by the unpeaceful environment. We really need to move, we want our own home. He has since calmed down and we are looking at houses that would be easier for us to buy if this one falls through. But we really want this house, it has 10 acres of land. What sucks now is that we have to spend around $1000 before even finding out if we can buy the house. I know he is going to be very angry if it doesn't work out. 
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #4 on: March 11, 2015, 12:36:38 PM »

  Sounds like a lot to cope with. I wish you the best, and hope you are prepared with boundaries to protect yourself if/when he does get angry next. If not this, something else will probably trigger him.

I like the idea of finding ways of telling him how I needed him for something. I will work on that.

If you can find ways of communicating that you want him in your life and that you appreciate him for who he is, that is better than communicating that you need him. (Don't be surprised if he finds ways to reject/deflect/deny this sort of thing.)
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misuniadziubek
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« Reply #5 on: March 11, 2015, 02:29:02 PM »

 Sounds like a lot to cope with. I wish you the best, and hope you are prepared with boundaries to protect yourself if/when he does get angry next. If not this, something else will probably trigger him.

I like the idea of finding ways of telling him how I needed him for something. I will work on that.

If you can find ways of communicating that you want him in your life and that you appreciate him for who he is, that is better than communicating that you need him. (Don't be surprised if he finds ways to reject/deflect/deny this sort of thing.)

I think that in the case of talking about the past, talking about how he has been there before when you needed him goes hand in hand in not only acknowledging that he's been there for you but also inadvertently expresses appreciation. The two aren't mutually exclusive. By reminding him how helpful he is you are making him feel like a crucial partner in the relationship. Even if he were to deflect or deny the idea, it's still a form of acceptance and validating behaviors and increases his feelings of self worth and value.
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Cloudy Days
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« Reply #6 on: March 11, 2015, 03:25:21 PM »

I do need to work on telling him how much I appreciate him. I get stuck in Codependent thinking patterns thinking I do so much for him why can't he do a little for me. He does do things for me. He has been on medication which makes his angry bits very tolerable and short lived. Do I want to deal with them, NO. But he is who he is and I love him and he is trying. I just know he would do a lot more for me if he were able to enjoy his environment. I get that he is upset about the possibility of being turned down for this place. What I don't get is that he targets me when things go wrong. I just have to think about his reasoning for how he acts sometimes. He's been acting somewhat like a normal human being lately it's hard to remember that he doesn't think in a rational way.

Gotta work on making him feel valuable and worth while. This is a huge issue for him. He still asks me very often why I want to be with him, because he doesn't feel he is worth anything.
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« Reply #7 on: March 11, 2015, 05:41:21 PM »

Hey Cloudy:

Yup, buying a house in any situation is stressful, particularly waiting for approvals, acceptances and hopefully there are no other conditions on the sale that relate to unknown stresses.

It must be so much more difficult to deal with considering the dysregulated feelings of your husband. I think he's scared. It is a bit scary but when fear is an issue like it is to most people with disorder it can be debilitating emotionally.

I so hope that you've come far enough to try and understand that " if this loan doesn't go through he is leaving me and moving to another state" really isn't a threat and believe me I know how little that statement helps to enforce a close and positive relationship. Problem being in most cases I've seen when they're that emotionally upset they can't even relate to your feeling and honestly don't understand or recognize the hurt behind their statements. It sad but true. In the past I've heard a thousand of them. I so wish for you and everyone it wasn't that way but the reality is that it's all they can manage is to deal with their own emotional situations and fear when they're triggered.

In part it's good that he tells you exactly how he feels and even better that you can relate to that and understand it. It's all about trying to remain in good communications, validate his feelings and be able to tell him yours and that you do absolute need him and wouldn't even want to have bought a home without him. I know it's tough to deal with on top of your own anticipations and anxiety buying a home.

"I just don't understand why he has to make stressful situations so much more stressful." I so wish I had an answer to that but it just seems to be the nature of the beast and I so hope for you that in some way you learn to tame the nature of the problems and recognize they are going to happen and be able to work into situations of change better, prior to them happening and escalating. It comes with being able to read him better and getting to know how he thinks and understand why he thinks that way. It's tough to do and manage but managing that well can stop so problems before they happen.

I sure hope all goes well with the purchase and I sure feel for the situation you're in. Hopefully all the approvals are met and there's a sunny day after the clouds clear.

Rick
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #8 on: March 11, 2015, 09:18:06 PM »

Gotta work on making him feel valuable and worth while. This is a huge issue for him. He still asks me very often why I want to be with him, because he doesn't feel he is worth anything.

You mentioned codependence issues you are working on... .there is one buried here.

Nobody can make anybody else feel anything.

You can value him.

You can tell him or show him that you value him.

His feeling of being worthless is his, and you have no control over that feeling. Try validating how hard it is to feel worthless--validate the feeling without either agreeing or disagreeing with the judgement that he is worthless.
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Cloudy Days
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« Reply #9 on: March 19, 2015, 08:13:38 AM »

My husband got into an argument with our neighbor, the neighbor was in the wrong. The neighbor was drunk and one of the reasons we want to move so badly. He has parties and we cannot let our dogs out when he has them because they bark at them. Well we had to at some point they can't go in the house and the neighbor threatened to call the cops on us because of their 3 minutes of barking. We at one point complained about his dog barking. His dog would bark for hours on end and at every hour of the day and night, it was insanity and he was never home, just left his dog outside to bark all day long. This was three years ago and we have ignored each other since, He doesn't even know it was us. It's a very crammed neighborhood anyone could have called. Anyways ever since Sunday, when the argument happened my husband has basically been triggered. He was able to listen to their ___ talking and they were all saying they were going to go beat my husband up and then some. He had been doing so well until this crap.

He has been awful all week, Making everything difficult and just all around being a miserable person to be around. Sleeping on the couch, being nasty to me or ignoring me, claiming he wants a divorce. Now he wants to back out of buying the house because closing costs are more than he expected them to be. I have tried to explain to him that closing costs aren't going to get much smaller if we buy a different house and if we walk away we would be walking away from $2000 that we have already paid. I need support from him and I am just not getting it. He keeps telling me that I am not communicating with him. I tried to sit down with him last night and he was just irritated and had attitude the entire time. The thing is I am Communicating with him, he just doesn't remember everything I have told him. Then I try to explain things to him the best that I can and he jumps all over me and acts like I was keeping this stuff from him. I have never bought a house before, all of this is news to me too!

I just feel as if I am doing all of this alone. I don't have a husband at the moment, he has checked out and even worse turned into my enemy.
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #10 on: March 20, 2015, 08:29:59 PM »

  I wish you the best in getting through this.

Sadly, I think you hit the nail on the head.

I just feel as if I am doing all of this alone. I don't have a husband at the moment, he has checked out and even worse turned into my enemy.

Stay strong, and accept that he's going to be an obstacle instead of a help in getting this finished.

And remember your communication tools the best you can--he's horribly stressed, so he'll be at his worst, and trigger easily. It is a tough time for you too... .and one that will go better if you can stay at your best, avoiding invalidation, not letting yourself get pulled into circular arguments, etc.

When he forgets stuff that needs to be done to finish the deal, review the S.E.T. communication technique as a safer way to bring things back up for him.
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Cloudy Days
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« Reply #11 on: March 23, 2015, 09:25:28 AM »

I think what I am struggling with most is since he is acting like this I don't even know if I want to buy this house now. He went through several months where he was acting normal. He wanted this house even and is the one that suggested we make the offer. And now he is just angry and hateful and keeps telling me he hopes we don't get this house.

To make matters worse, we took our dogs over to my mother's house on Friday and my dog decided to jump off a 6ft retaining wall. She is limping and we took her to vet. My husband is now blaming me, my mother and even our other dog who jumped off the wall first but was ok. No one is at fault for what she did but he sure needs to find someone to blame for it. He wants to take her back to the vet and keeps saying her leg is broken (she's limping but walking on it) I have tried to validate. He is just plain evil at this point. Taking jabs at my Dead father who died only a month ago. Nice to know he's not off limits any longer, that lasted a month.

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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #12 on: March 23, 2015, 09:40:09 AM »

  Sounds really tough. I hope your dog is OK and heals soon.

Keep trying to validate... .and more importantly, be ready to remove yourself from the verbally and emotionally abusive stuff he's spewing. 



Buying the house won't make him happy and nice. Buying the house won't make him grumpy and mean.

He's in a state, and he's taking it out on you.

Especially if you do a good job with the tools, he will probably go back to a 'nicer' mood sometime.

What do you want to do about the house if you take his emotions out of the equation? Do you want to live there instead of where you are?
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Cloudy Days
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« Reply #13 on: March 23, 2015, 11:04:14 AM »

What do you want to do about the house if you take his emotions out of the equation? Do you want to live there instead of where you are?

Yes I do want to live there. But I need his support as I can't take care of the home myself and I can't really pay for the home myself. I could manage it but it would be hard. Right now we just live in a very noisy place, it is not enjoyable to go outside, in fact it is anxiety producing and all around unenjoyable. You go outside and hear not only a train, but motorcycles, people yelling, construction, a shooting range, kids screaming, there is a bar right down the street playing live music, dogs barking constantly, never shutting up. I mean I really, really want to move!   

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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #14 on: March 23, 2015, 11:28:57 AM »

Yes I do want to live there. But I need his support as I can't take care of the home myself and I can't really pay for the home myself. I could manage it but it would be hard.

Your husband isn't going to get either better or worse in a new place.

The stress of buying a house and moving may well make him temporarily worse.

He's a lot more likely to threaten to leave than actually do it.

He may blow up in a way that kills the home purchase deal. Since the loan is in your name, and based on your credit, you may well be able to close on it even if he does blow up.

If you *really* want to be in this house instead of where you are living, I say go for it... .and use the best of the tools and lessons to avoid invalidating your husband, and encourage his cooperation.

The only reason I'd caution you NOT to buy the house would be if you don't expect to stay married long... .there is a real risk of losing the house in a divorce, and that will probably be an expensive proposition, with closing costs and realtor fees and everything. If you really believe he would dump you and run to California after you purchase the house, or if you are ready to give up on your marriage, it probably isn't a good time to buy a house.

If you want to live there with your husband... .and are willing to risk that you might end up there alone... .and this house seems right for you... .as I said... .go for it.
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« Reply #15 on: March 23, 2015, 11:53:47 AM »

Hi Cloudy Days-

It sounds like you've really been put through the ringer- I'm sorry things have been so hard for you! Although my situation isn't exactly like yours, I recently went through the house hunting/buying process with my uBPDh. It sucked.

Ultimately, my H and I have to move because we are expecting our first child and we live in a small 1 bedroom condo- no space for a baby. I did 98% of the work for the new home: all of the house selection, 70% of the viewings, and ALL of the paperwork. My H handled the finance info. Some of this was due to my H being out of town for several weeks with work (and a 3 hour time change), but nonetheless- my life got put on hold for this house and I was very bitter about that.

Again, I know your situation is different as you haven't purchased the home yet, but about 5-6 days after we closed on our house, I told my H that I needed to talk to him. I validated his feelings of insecurity and doubt (he was also negative during our house hunt- nothing was good enough and he found fault with EVERYTHING. I eventually told him that he could live with a friend and I'd move into a rental with the baby if he couldn't compromise. That shut him up.) Anyway, when we sat down to talk I told him how the whole process made me feel and that I resented his lack of help/awareness. Although I certainly recognize the importance of validating him, I've found that for me, I have to be honest about the way I'm feeling for anything to change. He didn't argue with me- and in fact, the very next day, he took 15 packed boxes over to the new house and has been going over regularly (before we move in) to take care of small projects. Is this surge in helpfulness temporary? Probably. But, I'll take it.

So, I hope things get better for you- it is really unfair to have to feel like you are alone. I think you have a nice supportive community here; do what works for you!
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Cloudy Days
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« Reply #16 on: March 24, 2015, 10:14:20 AM »

He actually apologized this morning. Told me he loves me and he wants to buy this home with me. He has been making a big deal out of our dog limping. I have been trying to get him to be patient about it. She isn't going to be 100% in a few days. He expects her to start running and jumping after 3 days. So this has been an issue. I have been trying to be validating about it, which I find hard to do.

I think one thing he has been upset about is that he got money and hasn't been able to spend any of it. He finally decided he would put some money into our car we have. I'm not really for it but I'm not going to tell him no. I think it is giving him something good to focus on, although I would think a new home would be something good to focus on. At least he's out of his funk, at least it seems that way for the moment. 
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Cloudy Days
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« Reply #17 on: March 27, 2015, 09:11:55 AM »

Ok, so yesterday my husband was calm, he wanted to talk and he told me he thinks we should divorce. I get upset about it but manage to stay somewhat calm. Says we are not good together and if you love something you should let it go. This honestly sounded like a long thought out decision he had made. He Kept insisting we should talk and I basically said what is there to talk about you have given up on our relationship and you want a divorce. Eventually he says something about fighting for him and I tell him I am not fighting for someone that doesn't want me. I am not divorcing him he is saying he is going to divorce me. 

I told him I love him, I will always want him but I am not going to beg him not to leave me. At some point he said he loves me but something has to change. Totally turned his view around hugged me and apologized. 

This man confuses the heck out of me. Is this just a test to see how I would react, is he just trying to get his dose of "I want you don't leave me" from me? I know buying a home is stressful. I never know if he is serious and it is driving me crazy. Should I never take his divorce threats as serous? I find myself feeling stupid for believing what he says sometimes, because his moods change quicker than the wind. 

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« Reply #18 on: March 27, 2015, 09:55:29 AM »

Whew. Crazy making.   

Believe that he means it. When he says it.

Believe that his mind can change in an instant.

Believe that he may act on his feelings that instant. (Whichever direction they are!)

Radical Acceptance. This is exactly who he is, his feelings flapping in the breeze.

Make your own choice to buy a house with him... .or back out of the deal... .based on what you want to do. Knowing that he will bounce around like this. Knowing that he may actually leave/divorce. Knowing that he may not, but could bring it up again anytime.

Attention(click to insert in post) I don't recall all of your history, Is threatening divorce something he's done before? Is it something he's done before, but not in a way that sounds calm and thought out? If this is new territory for him, I'd give it more significance than if it is something he's done before.

Either way--new or old--it is part of your relationship with him, and something that you will have to live with as long as you stay in this relationship.
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« Reply #19 on: March 27, 2015, 03:17:35 PM »

The divorce threats are nothing new. Heck he asked for an Annulment the day after we got married. What is new is him being calm about it. Of course before he was not on medication. I have accepted that divorce threats are something that he will always throw at me. It was the calm that took me off guard. He seems so sure that this is what he wanted, he was not mean about it, he was not calling me names, he wasn't even really mad at me. Usually when he says he wants a divorce it is in anger or when I am being painted black. He would usually tell me to pack my things and leave, I have even left before. It isn't a new thing but the way he did it was. I have never had him tell me in a calm manner, where he in no way seemed agitated. He expressed how he felt, he said he was depressed and felt our marriage was the reason for this depression (I know it is not). He said he never understood the phrase if you love something let it go, he said he truly understood it now. He made a lot of sense... .Then he does a 180 and completely changes saying he doesn't want a divorce. Never once getting upset, I think I was the one that was upset.
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« Reply #20 on: March 28, 2015, 07:21:52 AM »

Hey Cloudy:

Glad to hear he's come down a bit. It really must be difficult with all the other stresses of change. Hey, very few people like, or are good with change. Face it, it is frightening and destabilizing for most people. Probably more stressful for someone that is extremely insecure and emotionally driven rather than rationally structured.

I hear so many times you saying you need affirmation and security from him and his commitment - it so sounds to me like he is seeking the exact same from you only in a typical 'dysfunctional' way, although I'm not big on the term in the context.

It is really difficult, confusing and sometimes tiring to constantly have to reassure and 'fight' for someone to understand your commitment when you feel as though you've communicated it so well that he should know and 'trust' what you've said. Trust is a real issue with so many. In my experience it comes from so many in their lives confirming "I'm here for you" when in their experience everyone has at one time or another walked away from what they believe was commitment made in stone regardless of actions. We all know there is no 'unconditional' in relationships especially when they have irregularities like a relationship with a borderline.

My wife and I do really well together NOW Cloudy but I have to tell you that doesn't mean that the same irregularities don't rear up constantly. My wife will wake up as I'm getting ready for work most mornings and out of nowhere for no reason the first thing she will say is "Are you mad, what did I do?" I'll be damned if I can truly understand why or where it would have come from. There are no apparent reasons to me except for a deep seated and overriding insecurity. It is like each day is a new 'life' and 'start' and must be addressed from her emotional fears rather than a fluid confluence of life that streams. Maybe a lack of 'constancy awareness' is more defining than many of us think. For my part in reacting I've come to terms with just leaning over the bed, giving her a kiss and saying, there's absolutely nothing wrong, you sleep for another bit and I'll call you later from work when I get a chance. Why would anyone need that type of confirmation constantly? I don't have the answer just an awareness of her need. Telling her "I can't wait to get home tonight, is there anything you want to do?" Is even bigger. It assures her I'll be there and love her.  It's really a small and inconsequential need to fill (the same need every wife really wants to hear but most of us don't meet in any relationship well) when you think about it and not damaging when you can better understand the intensity of the insecurity. I know it's coming now on a constant basis and head it off with affirmation, knowing it's a constant with her, and that works better. I reassure her without her having to ask or challenge it. Silly thing to have to do? Maybe, but the reality is it brings better harmony to our lives, peace to hers, so why wouldn't I? It's not about rationalization - it's about learning, understand, empathizing with and meeting the insecurities in a healthy way so they don't become tangled and unhealthy situations for us.

Someone asked you a really important question and it looks like the answer is really evident. "Would you make the purchase without him?" I understand the need to have him financially and physically help you with this. But given the situation of turmoil in the neighborhood you live in - looks like it is a positive move in the right direction. The turmoil you have surrounding you all the time probably isn't easy for your husband and it certainly doesn't bring any peace to you. It might be the best move ever to remove him and you from all that. The real question is how will it affect you to move away from all of that? I think that's probably the most positive contingency is sticking to your decision and going forward.

It really is such a confusing, entangling and difficult situation to understand when they seek reassurance from such desperate and 'seemingly unhealthy methods' Cloudy but understanding the depth of their fears and reality they present constantly to them helps to know that the right thing to do is to step up to countering those fears before they begin to haunt their day AGAIN. Nailing it first thing in the morning by affirming you love him and it's a GOOD day goes miles when he doesn't have to worry about whether you do or it isn't going to be.

Really hope this move forward is great for both of you. No change, no gain sweetheart. It sounds like a good move for you and may really also be a good move for him and your relationship to get to heck out of the chaos you're living around now. There's enough chaos for the most part without constant triggers that come from opening your own front door to content with.

Rick

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« Reply #21 on: March 28, 2015, 07:37:34 PM »

Buying a home is a big trigger in my experience.  My uBPDexW left about 3 weeks after our home purchase.  We looked for about a year, had one or two "perfect" locations fall through - no fault of ours.  Then the weekend we had to move, she happened to be out of town, so I had to negotiate the whole moving process (red flag).  She came back, had one big housewarming party at our new house, where she got so drunk she threw up on the carpet, and then disappeared a week later.  Not trying to scare you, just relating to your stresses.  Hang in there and good luck.
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« Reply #22 on: March 29, 2015, 10:37:23 AM »

Hi, haven't written on here in awhile, things were going okay.  Last few years my h with BPD has been trying to talk me into moving. We built a house here in mountains 10 years ago, this was supposed to be our retirement home forever.

I love the house, I picked out most of what's in it, I have part time job here, friends, Bookclub, gym a life, I love to hike.

Even with his emotional problems h did try, we went out to dinner with friends but he over shared and drove the men away.  He had a bunch of jobs after his retirement but quit having perfect reasons for all of them, most I agreed with as working here is different than the city, you are considered a wuss if you take a break, stuff like that.

So for the last few years he has been working on me to sell house and move back closer to kids who live two states away. I didn't want to, not just because I like it here but because last two moves we almost split up and he becomes completely dysregulated.

I have my own anxiety and anger issues, (fear of it) and can easily get triggered by him.  During normal times I am the patient one knowing what he has but during a move when I am stressed out and have no patience for him all heck breaks loose.

So he finally wore me down and we have been getting house ready it goes on market next week.  So far I have lost it emotionally a bunch of times, crying, anger... .I am in counseling, he won't go. My counselor says I am grieving.  My h if the slightest thing goes wrong, something breaks, etc has been angry, raging, etc. all the things I worried about.

So I understand all of where you are and then some. He has threatened to break up many times but now I know for us at least it seems to be a test because he always takes it back.

When he is calmer I ask do you mean it? And he looks at me like he never said it or the mean things. He goes from super over loving and clingy to looking at me like he hates me.  It's very confusing.  At least you have him on meds. H tried a few times didn't like the side affects so won't do it, same with counselors.

He keeps thinking moving somewhere new will make him happy, I know nothing will until he works on his issues.  I realize he has to do that on his own. 

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« Reply #23 on: March 30, 2015, 08:34:42 AM »

We had a pretty good weekend together. He got a stereo put in our car and he feels like a teenager again, seemed like a waste of money to me but he likes it so I guess it's not. We went out to dinner with my mom and then went and played Bingo in the town we are trying to buy our house in (the town I grew up in). He had fun, it was nice to get out of the house for awhile and not be so cooped up, plus he got to be around people and he didn't get triggered by them. You can't do that where we live now.

On Saturday I made the mistake of looking at his phone. I don't know what I was thinking, he should have his private thoughts. However he basically told his therapist he was giving me 6-7 months before he was going to decide if he was going to leave me. He also told his brother he was going to leave me. I asked him about it and he reassured me he was not going to. I wouldn't need reassurance if he didn't say this kind of stuff. I know he does this kind of thing, acts like he is going to leave but never does. I just know that it doesn't mean he never will. He's on medication but he makes it clear he doesn't like being on them. He blames his weight gain on the pills. He eats so much sugar it isn't funny, It's not the pills causing the weight gain. It was him stress eating waiting on a court date that has since been taken care of.

I just pray this all goes well. We don't even know if we got the house yet. Waiting on an Appraisal to be done to tell us if it qualifies for the loan. Have already spent $1500 on it just to see if we get the place. 
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« Reply #24 on: March 30, 2015, 08:52:15 AM »

On Saturday I made the mistake of looking at his phone. I don't know what I was thinking, he should have his private thoughts.

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) You are learning.

You sound more upset at yourself for looking at something you 'shoulda' known was going to be there and upset you than hurt by what you saw.
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« Reply #25 on: March 30, 2015, 09:14:55 AM »

No, I really was hurt by it. It made my heart sink, I wasn't going to say anything to him about it but he read my face and asked what was wrong, we were getting ready to do something I was happy about so the I want to cry look was obvious. I felt guilty for looking at it but still hurt by what I found. I felt betrayed that he talks to everyone except for me. He always tells me he doesn't communicate with me how he feels because I don't tell him how I feel. But I do, he doesn't want to know how I feel most of the time. His feelings are what matters to him and that bites me in the butt every time. So how am I suppose to tell him how I feel when he doesn't really want to know? There is a wall in our communication, he blames it on me and I blame it on him, but I don't know how to open up to someone that doesn't really care about my feelings.

I told him I didn't sleep well at all last night and I felt zombiefied. His response was he had been up since 3:00. I know this is part of the disorder that I will hardly ever get Validation from him. Anytime I say anything about how I feel, in any way I get a I have it worse response from him. How am I suppose to communicate my feelings to someone that is going to discount them?
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« Reply #26 on: March 30, 2015, 09:32:32 AM »

  It is tough. Radical acceptance is really hard, and it is something you have to accept.

I don't know if you read this thread or not... .but waverider's last post here impressed me:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273893.msg12598393#msg12598393

The short answer is this... .you cannot expect him to validate you. He doesn't have that capacity. He lacks the sense of boundaries and sense of self required to realize that there is some part of you that is separate from him, and that you have feelings which are different from what he's experiencing right this instant.

Look for ways to validate your own feelings. Look for friends and supporters who can validate what you are feeling.

I think everybody posting on the staying board has experienced a situation like yours where you told him you slept poorly, and he turned it around and made it about himself, completely invalidating you. 

I hope you are learning that if you look on your husband's phone, you will find things that upset you, and that it isn't healthy for you. And no, that doesn't mean it is easy not to look. 
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« Reply #27 on: April 09, 2015, 09:22:00 AM »

Ok, adding another update. My husband is driving me crazy. I know this is part of the disorder but it doesn't seem like anything is ever good enough for him. Example, we are buying this house and he has a list of a ton of things he thinks we have to do to this place right off the bat. Build a garage, tear down some of the out buildings, build a fence, buy all new furniture, buy a hybrid car, build a deck, redo the siding on the house, buy a hot tub ect... .the list goes on and on. This place is move in ready, None of this stuff really NEEDS to be done, it is his wish list of things that will make him happy. I know that none of it will really make him happy, but what makes me nervous is that we don't have money to do all of these things, Especially building a garage and he seems to think it is all going to happen before the year is over. I am ok with getting things done 1 thing at a time but he has no concept of waiting for things and getting them when we can afford them. We can achieve all of this if we do 1 thing at a time. Another example, my mother just gave us my Dad's old truck, it is almost 20 years old and it was free we just had to spend $500 to fix a few minor things to get it running good. So now, he wants to reupholster and recarpet the entire inside, get the entire body redone and have it repainted and the dents fixed and replace the headlights, tail lights, bumpers and tires, new stereo system, adding a grill, you name it he wants it done. He's even talking about having the engine rebuilt. None of which really needs to be done! So he wants to take a free truck and turn it into a major investment. It was my Dad's truck so I don't have a problem with improving it and keeping it, but he is going overkill, just like everything else. Any time I try to talk to him about holding off he gets really mad at me and it starts a fight. All he does lately is research on how to spend more of our money.
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« Reply #28 on: April 09, 2015, 10:39:01 AM »

Any time I try to talk to him about holding off he gets really mad at me and it starts a fight. All he does lately is research on how to spend more of our money.

I was just listening to an audio book 'the verbally abusive relationship' that had a pretty good example of the scenario you're talking about, the example being someone who wanted to build a backyard deck when there wasn't currently the money, and a partner who was harassed and belittled for bringing up the practical money concerns about it.

In this example, one thing mentioned was attempting to sit down with the other person, validate their plans by writing them all down and then facing the practical by coming up with cost estimates and budgeting agreements and timelines for accomplishing the goals.  Unfortunately, the individual in the book example was abusive and refused to sit down and plan things out with any seriousness, but is it possible that your husband would be able to do this with you?  

My wife has dozens of things she wants to do around the house and several projects left half finished and abandoned.  In the past when she talks about things she wants to do I would always just say 'there's no money for that' and shut her down immediately.  She found this very invalidating and it would cause strife.  My next strategy was to just say 'that would be great' thinking in most cases she never actually does anything and just letting her fantasize.  But after hearing this in the book, I think I may try to take her more seriously, but also try to sit down with her and come up with concrete savings plans and timelines for these projects.  I'm thinking this will validate her but also give her some financial goals that she is responsible for - and if those goals are not met, the projects don't happen and that is her own fault and consequence.
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« Reply #29 on: April 09, 2015, 12:08:05 PM »

Hey Cloudy Days... .pause and take a deep breath... .then lets take stock of your situation, as it is, not just as it is in your husband's mind Smiling (click to insert in post)

1. When did the house close or when does it close? Or is your husband still messing with you on that? And when do you move / did you move?

If you have yet to move in and even unpack the most important boxes, that is too big a job to mess with. Enforce a boundary. Practice saying this:

"I will not discuss that until we are moved into the new house. I cannot focus on that while we're in the middle of buying a house and moving."

And that is the END OF DISCUSSION. If you have to leave the room or leave the house to end 'discussion' (which is more likely to be a circular argument or rant on his part), do it.


2. When it comes to plans to spend 2-3X the available money on this exhausting list of projects... .where is the available money and credit?

You can enforce boundaries around any account in your name and any credit card in your name. You don't have to pay for anything you don't feel right about paying. End of statement.

Joint credit cards, and joint checking accounts are a big risk there--you are on the hook, but cannot stop him easily.

His credit cards (if he has any available credit) and his account is his problem.

If you have actual control over enough money to solve the problem, then you just need to do boundary enforcement--not spend money on irresponsible things.

For joint stuff, you will have to negotiate with him more carefully.
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