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Author Topic: When he has a best friend that fuels his inappropriate behavior  (Read 443 times)
misuniadziubek
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« on: March 09, 2015, 11:12:36 PM »

I just spent yet another weekend with my uBPDbf.

I had slight success where he admitted that the two week break we agreed on was actually really helpful and gave him an opportunity to cool off and miss me again, since things had previously become really tense. In a nutshell, when he'd expressed that he was becoming tired of having such charged terrible weekends together,  I took it very seriously and instantly suggested a break for one weekend. It gave me some distance to really take an inventory and gain a self of my own identity again.

Things aren't great between us, he has been very reluctant to be intimate with me lately, which is definitely related to his feelings of emotional closeness becoming limited. He still is affectionate towards me and made things pleasant enough and gave enough enough positive feedback that I feel comfortable with him again and am not closing off so much emotionally. He's all but forgotten the crazy dysregulated weekend we had previously, where he pushed me to the breaking point and left me a bit traumatized.

This is my main issue now. He has a best friend of five years that he hangs out with two to three times a week, N. He's quite terrible for him, though. N does all the things that my uBPDbf considers as bad habits and would never tolerate in me. N's a highschool dropout, has many tattoos, has a history of domestic violence, drinks a lot and smokes a lot of marijuana. My bf has repeatedly told me he wouldn't keep someone who did that in his life and even broke up with his ex over her smoking marijuana but he idealises N beyond logic. He considers him his first family.  I don't particularly have much issue with this guy. N's been very nice to me, though he is at times ridiculously manipulative and has caused rifts in my relationship due to conversations with a third party.

I think that my bf has such a strong relationship with N because he is one of the few people who understands how his mind works and also hasn't abandoned him or betrayed him.

I like to see my bf happy, so I don't criticize this relationship too much. The unfortunate truth is that when my bf is around N, he acts different. He is more quick to criticise me, be sarcastic, act with complete contempt of me and call me a 'b****' . It's like he suddenly has these grandiose ideas of himself and he can do no wrong, because his friend will tolerate his everything. The worst of it is that my boyfriend has never been physically abusive towards me normally. There is a line that we don't cross in terms of physical altercations but in front of his friend he has now crossed it multiple times and reacts with indifference when I confront him on it. It's not one-sided either. I've become angry enough at his change in behavior and commentary that I've gone too far as well.

We don't physically hurt each other. But in the presence of his friend it has now happened more than once and that severely bothers me.

Now I also know none of this is in my head. I talked to my Bf's roommate M last night and she told me that N came over about two weeks ago and my Bf's behaviour drastically changed. Usually he talks to M with huge respect and almost idealises her as being the most rational person he knows. M doesn't deal with B.S. she confronts my bf on everything and yet they get along great. She told me that he was responding to her with so much disrespect and making such sarcastic comments in front of his friend that she warned him that he was crossing a line, that he has no right to talk to her that way,  and she had no issue with him moving out the very next day if that were happen. She said that she thinks my BF is a wonderful person and roommate but she isn't going to be around that sort of behaviour in her own house, so she is adamant on retreating to her own room, when they around together.

I gave her a bit of insight into the situation and my take on it, and M was very surprised. She said that it seems like my BF likes to complain about me and my incompetences and sometimes talks down to me, but in all truth I'm actually the one in control of the situation. That I'm capable of seeing the bigger picture, adapting quickly to his needs, and giving him what he actually needs and handling his 'tantrums', because in all reality he is the one who acts childish. It was surprising for me that she inferred that from my narrative but also very validating that someone sees the effort I put into keeping balance in the relationship.

In terms of learning to deal with my BPD bf... .I feel like I'm digging a hole to China and barely a metre in. It takes me much longer to learn the lessons even after a year because I'm constantly hopeful that he will become better.
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Rockylove
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« Reply #1 on: March 11, 2015, 02:47:15 PM »

In terms of learning to deal with my BPD bf... .I feel like I'm digging a hole to China and barely a metre in. It takes me much longer to learn the lessons even after a year because I'm constantly hopeful that he will become better.

I'm so sorry you're struggling.  I think it may do you well to read and re-read the lessons.  Perhaps you're misinterpreting some things... .you can only change your own behavior.  He may or may not ever change.  There is always hope, but don't count on making anyone else change.
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misuniadziubek
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« Reply #2 on: March 12, 2015, 05:27:16 PM »

In terms of learning to deal with my BPD bf... .I feel like I'm digging a hole to China and barely a metre in. It takes me much longer to learn the lessons even after a year because I'm constantly hopeful that he will become better.

I'm so sorry you're struggling.  I think it may do you well to read and re-read the lessons.  Perhaps you're misinterpreting some things... .you can only change your own behavior.  He may or may not ever change.  There is always hope, but don't count on making anyone else change.

Yeah, I try to read and reread the lessons, but a lot of the time, it's painful and I feel a need to distance myself from reading up more on him.

He has become better in some ways. I read the book "Hold me tight." about emotional focused therapy and I started to express to him how I needed him, and for a bit things got really good. When I got upset he would go out of his way to hug me tightly until I calmed down. It made me feel ... .cherished in a way. Now it's fallen apart a bit and I can never tell if my relationship is improving or not.

I don't know what to do about the best friend the most. He's played a big role in triangulation, causing me and my boyfriend to drift apart temporarily because he meddled in our relationship. He has known my bf for 5 years now and I feel like sometimes maybe he is jealous of the role I play in his life, even if I like him.
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NGU
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« Reply #3 on: March 12, 2015, 07:33:22 PM »

We don't physically hurt each other. But in the presence of his friend it has now happened more than once and that severely bothers me.

This left me stunned. Just so I'm clear... .your b/f physically hurt you in some way right in front of N?
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misuniadziubek
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« Reply #4 on: March 12, 2015, 08:26:24 PM »

We don't physically hurt each other. But in the presence of his friend it has now happened more than once and that severely bothers me.

This left me stunned. Just so I'm clear... .your b/f physically hurt you in some way right in front of N?

Yes. He punched me pretty hard in the knee to the point that I screamed out in pain. That would qualify as hurting me. I was sleeping on the couch and woke up groggy to ask what time it was and he was startled and punched me.

N had zero reaction to this. No shock, no surprise. Tears were streaming down my face. At some point he just laughed so my bf did too. Neither took it seriously.

I'd say that N is pretty used to physical altercations with his wife, who is missing her two front teeth after one pretty serious one. My bf had said before that being around N has taught him that sometimes physical retaliation is necessary though he would prefer not to be in a relationship like that. N is in a pretty unhappy marriage of 7 years, but they have kids so he settled for what he has. He just smokes pot and drinks all day to help him cope with it.

My bf on the other hand. When we are alone, he'd never intentionally physically hurt me. I know this because he's expressed the intensity of his anger before but will either turn to verbal confrontation, throw or break something or drive away until he calms himself before laying a hand on me. I've been the victim of actual assault about a month before we started dating and he knows how fragile I am about stuff like that, but in front of N... .I just stop being a priority.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #5 on: March 13, 2015, 06:38:53 AM »

People who don't have a solid sense of who they are can adapt to whowever they are with. They can adopt their perspectives, dress, behavior.  An example of this is teens, who can be in groups where they dress alike and act alike and have much influence on each other. As people mature and get a stronger sense of self, they can be with different people and not be influenced by them.

People can also choose friends who make them feel better about themselves. If your bf has low self esteem, then perhaps hanging around someone who behaves, in general, worse than he does may make him feel better about himself. In addition, this friend is less likely to be bothered by your bf's behavior or expect him to act differently.

Regardless of who he hangs out with, if your bf hurt you physically, he is accountable for his behavior. I understand the tendency to want to blame the friend. People with BPD often blame others or something else. I can see where you feel that your bf wouldn't do this if not for the friend, but he is still responsible for chosing his behavior.
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NGU
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« Reply #6 on: March 13, 2015, 08:14:50 AM »

He is more quick to criticise me, be sarcastic, act with complete contempt of me and call me a 'b****' . // There is a line that we don't cross in terms of physical altercations but in front of his friend he has now crossed it multiple times and reacts with indifference when I confront him on it. It's not one-sided either. I've become angry enough at his change in behavior and commentary that I've gone too far as well.

You are officially in an abusive relationship. Looking at the way you included this in your writing, it feels like you might even be downplaying it.

I hope other members here can offer you some advice on how to should handle this... .both in telling your b/f he's hanging out with the "wrong crowd" and how to strongly communicate to him that the abuse is more than inappropriate. This has to be done with care, because you don't want to trigger him. Before you take these steps, I believe you need the advice. Also, it wouldn't hurt to be proactive and reach out to an organization that is supportive to abused women. There are ones with hotlines, so you can call versus visiting them in person. You can also read about this subject online; just do it in private browsing mode.

I can tell you this because I've dealt with people in abusive relationships, and have also spent some time with administrators at the Council on Battered Women. I was doing a pro-bono print PSA for them, and without exaggeration, it was a life-changer for me. When I went back for a second interview, I asked if I could speak to any of the women at their shelter and they said no (rightfully so, considering I'm male). What I wrote in the previous paragraph is what they would tell you to do. In fact, they would go a lot further than that because they deal with so many cases, and they care for women who express a lot of denial, even after having multiple S.O.'s abuse them. Some of the women even justify going back to their abusive b/f's, even after serious injuries.

You said "I've gone too far as well." Have you been pushed to this level before?

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misuniadziubek
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« Reply #7 on: March 16, 2015, 03:53:11 PM »

He is more quick to criticise me, be sarcastic, act with complete contempt of me and call me a 'b****' . // There is a line that we don't cross in terms of physical altercations but in front of his friend he has now crossed it multiple times and reacts with indifference when I confront him on it. It's not one-sided either. I've become angry enough at his change in behavior and commentary that I've gone too far as well.

You are officially in an abusive relationship. Looking at the way you included this in your writing, it feels like you might even be downplaying it.

I hope other members here can offer you some advice on how to should handle this... .both in telling your b/f he's hanging out with the "wrong crowd" and how to strongly communicate to him that the abuse is more than inappropriate. This has to be done with care, because you don't want to trigger him. Before you take these steps, I believe you need the advice. Also, it wouldn't hurt to be proactive and reach out to an organization that is supportive to abused women. There are ones with hotlines, so you can call versus visiting them in person. You can also read about this subject online; just do it in private browsing mode.

I can tell you this because I've dealt with people in abusive relationships, and have also spent some time with administrators at the Council on Battered Women. I was doing a pro-bono print PSA for them, and without exaggeration, it was a life-changer for me. When I went back for a second interview, I asked if I could speak to any of the women at their shelter and they said no (rightfully so, considering I'm male). What I wrote in the previous paragraph is what they would tell you to do. In fact, they would go a lot further than that because they deal with so many cases, and they care for women who express a lot of denial, even after having multiple S.O.'s abuse them. Some of the women even justify going back to their abusive b/f's, even after serious injuries.

You said "I've gone too far as well." Have you been pushed to this level before?

Maybe I am in an abusive relationship. If I told him that, he'd tell me to leave and never come back.

It's definitely an emotionally/verbally abusive one, but there's nothing I can say to make my uBPDbf realize what he's doing. He'll just blame me.

We had a situation this past weekend. We were cuddling and I knicked his burn a few times without realizing it. On the third time, he grabbed my wrist and clenched it really hard.  I didn't know what was going on. I yelled out for him to let go. He didn't respond saying that I knicked him three times and he needed me to stop. I yelled out louder for him to let go and he finally relented. I told him that hurting me was not an appropriate reaction to have me stop doing something I didn't realise I'd done. He responded that usually words don't work, so he tried something new and obviously it worked.

I got very angry and left him in his room. I was extremely upset and not willing to put up with that.

When I came back I attempted to explain to him, like a f""" child, that if I hurt him, he should respond with words asking me to be more careful because he had a wound. He tells me I should know he does because I saw him hurt it last week. That I hurt him so he hurt me and now I'll remember.

I didn't relent. I told him I cared about him and didn't want to leave, but I'm not going to be with someone who hurts me. I'm not going to live in fear that the person who cares about me will turn on me at moments notice and grab me like that. That seemed to reach him because next thing I know he's hugging me and apologizing and telling me next time he will tell me verbally when I unintentionally hurry him, instead of retaliating.

Somtimes I feel like I'm dealing with a child who never learned not to bite in preschool, aka deal with his emotions, and never had his mother comfort him when he skinned his knee.
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NGU
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« Reply #8 on: March 17, 2015, 12:15:32 AM »

He tells me I should know he does because I saw him hurt it last week. That I hurt him so he hurt me and now I'll remember.

I want to respond to that, but shouldn't. It will only be emotionally reactive.

I just want you to know I'm thinking about you, and hope that you can get through this.
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misuniadziubek
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« Reply #9 on: March 17, 2015, 09:51:44 AM »



Excerpt
I want to respond to that, but shouldn't. It will only be emotionally reactive.

I just want you to know I'm thinking about you, and hope that you can get through this.

Thank you. I appreciate it. The past 5 days have been very good since that situation. He seems to be trying to refrain from doing things like that. He actually tries to tell me, in a very disgruntled voice when he doesn't like me touching him but gets very frustrated if I answer with anything but instant retreat and acknowledgement.

I think this is just normal for him. He feels discomfort, he bites. It's like a reflex for him. He doesn't -want- to actually hurt me in general, but I imagine in moments of anger or pent up frustration that flies out the window. I've become too passive about his reactions. He's not a dog, he definitely knows better, but he's become accustomed to dealing with his emotions like this and it's not okay.

By the way, NGU, your longer comment gave me the strength to really confront him in that charged situation and for a moment made him reflect on his behaviors. This improvement is short lived unless I stick to reminding/confronting him even on small infractions, and express willingness to leave if he ever crosses the line. Idk. Still figuring it out.
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NGU
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« Reply #10 on: March 17, 2015, 11:13:57 AM »

By the way, NGU, your longer comment gave me the strength to really confront him //  and express willingness to leave if he ever crosses the line. Idk. Still figuring it out.

I'm glad. I would never suggest you leave him; I'm biased, it's not my place, and everyone has a different set up factors regarding their relationship.

I would like to suggest something though: If you do indeed talk to someone on a hotline or at a shelter, ask them how long it takes some women to seek help. In other words, how bad it got before they took the step.
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