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Author Topic: This is the hardest thing I've ever been through in my life.  (Read 541 times)
smackrabbits

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« on: March 10, 2015, 11:48:32 AM »

I am 35 and my wife is 33.  It'll be our tenth wedded anniversary this coming May.  We have four children, all girls with ages ranging from 9 to 2.  This past October my wife "left" me after not being able to take it anymore.  I am not without fault as I have been very controlling and have operated a lot of my life out of fear and insecurity.  The control was one of the main causes for her to shut down and pull away from me.  As of now she is more or less completely emotionally detached from me, as well as anyone else.  She did have two emotional affairs, one right being leaving me the other a few years prior (which I didn't understand the significance of at the time), both with the same person.  It actually ended up in them meeting and drinking together and kissing this last time.  We separated for about 20 days with me moving out and living at a friends house until she asked me to come home.  I've been home for about 4 months and thought we were making decent progress, but that doesn't seem to be the case.  I've grown a lot.  My heart has gone through considerable changes and I've been able to reevaluate my life and what I've done to her and for her over the years.  She is still in the same place.  "Emotionally detached."  "Going through the motions."  "I don't like talking about emotions or feelings with you or anyone else."  There is hope though... .I believe that she does want to change, but doesn't know how to express it.  I've heard that come out a few times over the past few months.  I do know she loves me and is committed to me and to working through this, even if she doesn't like it or want to.

Both of us have been in counseling, separately as we each have individual things to work on.  I can get very emotionally out of balance and need someone to listen to me and help me keep my head on straight.  She just started DBT this past Friday and is slated for 7 more Friday morning sessions at this time.  There has not been any diagnosis of any kind to this point as she has only met with her psychotherapist.  It is on our "to do" list to call and set up the appointment with the psychiatrist, but she has no motivation to do that.  So I've been gently trying to get her to do it.  She has been taking a medication for postpartum depression since our third child was born nearly 5 years ago.  It may not be the right thing as it was prescribed by midwives and she hasn't seen a psychiatrist yet.  I do think that she knows she has BPD, or at least more significant symptoms than most people.  I'm not sure she's accepted it though.  Her mother is certainly a BPD individual based on everything I've read and experienced with her.  Her family relationship also explains the rejections and abandonment wounds she has hidden deep inside. 

Currently I'm living at home.  We are planning on adding a joint marriage counsel to the individual counsel we are receiving.  This is to help sort out logistical and practical things such as should we separate again.  She has recently suggested that she wants that again.  I told her that I am willing to do that (giving up the control I've desperately held on to for years) but asked that we seek an outside counsel for input first.  We are on a week to week schedule, started two days ago, where I am sleeping downstairs for certain nights to give her alone time in the evening.  I much prefer this as I do not want a separation for a variety of reasons and believe it is better for me to be here.

There was an MHA that occurred over new years.  I took her to a nice cabin for a couple nights over the new year as we were working to incorporate things I've not done over the years and to try and have a fun time together.  We had brought two sample packs of beer for the two nights to share as "tastings" but I got sick the first night (something about the meatballs and losing 20 pounds and drinking 4-5 beers) and had to go to bed.  I was woken up at 2am by police officers stating that they were responding for a domestic and wanted to know where my wife was.  First thing I did was check the bed next to me but she wasn't there.  I got dressed and we went to the main living area of the cabin as we discussed why they were there.  They said that my father had called 911 because my bother in law got a call from my wife stating that she wanted them to take care of the kids because she wasn't sure she and I were going to make it home from this trip. At that point there was a noise that came from the hot tub out on the deck and one of the cops went out and lifted the cover off the rest of the way (half was covered) and I saw my wife in the hot tub with just her nose and her elbows sticking out of the water.  I thought she was dead (pause - I've never been so scared in my life.) and ran out and grabbed her and pulled her out.  She was absolutely hammered drunk.  The cops had to MHA her based on the verbal statement and the fact that they found her in the hot tub in the condition she was in.  I don't like thinking about that event because if she hadn't made that phone call I probably would have had to bury her that week.  She doesn't realize the gravity of the event  to this day.

I'm really carrying on here and it certainly isn't everything, but I need help.  I need support.  I need to learn to take care of myself.  I need to learn how to love her and support her.  Understand this if nothing else: I love my wife and will stand by her side through everything. She is intelligent and bright and absolutely radiantly beautiful.  She is a great mother and my best friend.  We have made many great memories over the years and I/we intend to make more.

Since this is really my first time getting involved in a forum like this I'm not really sure what will come of this. 
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Mike-X
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« Reply #1 on: March 10, 2015, 01:04:48 PM »

I am sorry to hear about all that you have been through, but  .

Could you elaborate on why you think that she has BPD?

Also, have you had a chance to read through the lessons on this forum or read any other materials on BPD?
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misuniadziubek
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« Reply #2 on: March 10, 2015, 01:21:16 PM »

I am sorry to hear about all that you have been through, but  .

Could you elaborate on why you think that she has BPD?

Also, have you had a chance to read through the lessons on this forum or read any other materials on BPD?

This and also, what is MHA? Has your wife ever acted so impulsively and carelessly before? Has she ever 'hurt' herself in anyone or threatened to?

You describe yourself as living your life out of fear and insecurity and being too controlling. How did you come to that conclusion, and how do you know this is what has caused her emotional detachment?

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Notwendy
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« Reply #3 on: March 10, 2015, 01:32:22 PM »

I am sorry that you are dealing with this and hope that this board is helpful to you.

Yes, it is terrifying what happened over New Years. A couple of things made me wonder-

You are passed out asleep, your wife calls her brother making arrangements for the kids, says that you two might not make it back, then gets into the hot tub alone, drunk, and submerges herself.

This sounds to me like a possible suicide attempt, and that is very serious.

Although she may not have intended to frame it on you, the call to the police involved you and this may have made you a suspect.

Thank goodness your brother in law called the police.

In all of this, you did nothing wrong. Driking a few beers in your own home and falling asleep isn't a crime. You didn't drive or do anything- just drank them, didn't feel well, went to sleep.

If your wife had just gotten into the hot tub drunk, I would have considered this to be unintentional or reckless however, she made that call to her brother first to make arrangements for the kids- making me concerned that this was intentional and without warning, and a serious situation.
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smackrabbits

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« Reply #4 on: March 10, 2015, 01:41:49 PM »

I am sorry to hear about all that you have been through, but  .

Could you elaborate on why you think that she has BPD?

Also, have you had a chance to read through the lessons on this forum or read any other materials on BPD?

This and also, what is MHA? Has your wife ever acted so impulsively and carelessly before? Has she ever 'hurt' herself in anyone or threatened to?

You describe yourself as living your life out of fear and insecurity and being too controlling. How did you come to that conclusion, and how do you know this is what has caused her emotional detachment?

I started to look through the lessons but haven't gotten terribly far to this point.  I am going to continue reading through and see what insights can be found.

On why I think my wife has BPD: Her childhood full of rejection.  Her parents and the emotional abuse and present but abandoned situation.  She used to overdose intentionally at a young age, and lay on the cold basement floor trying to cope with the terrifying feelings.    Also, the first therapist that we went and saw (who turned out not to work out) gave her a book called "Understanding the Borderline Mother" because her mother is clearly a person with BPD (and we know it is often hereditary, borderlines have borderlines).  As she was reading the book she realized that the book was intended for her, or so she thought.  She identifies clearly with the waif in the book (and other resources).  As I said, we do not have a diagnosis, but I am highly suspicious that this is the case.

An MHA is a mental hygiene arrest.

I have operated out of fear of losing.  Fear of losing my wife.  I'm not really sure where it comes from other than my upbringing and experiences I have had in my life.  The point is, I was controlling in so many ways of our relationship she didn't really have a voice.  While I would try to listen to her and respect her it was always me who had the final say.  The more I tried to control, the more I lost her.  Until I have lost her.  I have lost her emotionally and deeply.  I do not know that it was only me that caused the detachment, but I believe it was a catalyst in speeding up the process.  It may have just been inevitable regardless (especially if she does have BPD).



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Mike-X
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« Reply #5 on: March 10, 2015, 02:11:45 PM »

You mentioned being in counseling. Are you working on ways to manage your fears and anxieties? Is the fear and anxiety something that came up after she left, or are they issues that have been there from the beginning of this relationship and earlier?

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smackrabbits

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« Reply #6 on: March 11, 2015, 01:55:57 PM »

You mentioned being in counseling. Are you working on ways to manage your fears and anxieties? Is the fear and anxiety something that came up after she left, or are they issues that have been there from the beginning of this relationship and earlier?

I am working on my behavior and taking care of myself first.  I have learned that I must take care of myself and my emotional stability before I can be an emotional leader for my wife.  The fear and anxieties that I have been feeling lately and from after this all went down.  I didn't realize how insecure I was until after the event. 

I found a good resource today online called the Nicola Method - I've only read a little bit, but there were two articles specifically about women with BPD traits, like my wife.  It's quite revealing and helps me understand how she may be feeling and may feel constantly (and throughout her life).  There's quite a lot to do about trust and the lack thereof with pwBPD traits.  I could very much identify with what was written.
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Mike-X
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« Reply #7 on: March 11, 2015, 02:40:51 PM »

I am working on my behavior and taking care of myself first.  I have learned that I must take care of myself and my emotional stability before I can be an emotional leader for my wife.  The fear and anxieties that I have been feeling lately and from after this all went down.  I didn't realize how insecure I was until after the event. 

Would you mind elaborating on your anxieties and insecurities (I certainly understand if you do)?
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smackrabbits

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« Reply #8 on: March 12, 2015, 07:59:36 AM »

I am working on my behavior and taking care of myself first.  I have learned that I must take care of myself and my emotional stability before I can be an emotional leader for my wife.  The fear and anxieties that I have been feeling lately and from after this all went down.  I didn't realize how insecure I was until after the event. 

Would you mind elaborating on your anxieties and insecurities (I certainly understand if you do)?

The fear of losing her is a big one.

The fear of being hurt.

Trust issues as a result of her behaviors.

Insecure about my ability to overcome.
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Mike-X
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« Reply #9 on: March 12, 2015, 08:21:55 AM »

Thanks for sharing that. Those are of course normal feelings after a breakup, particularly after a breakup with a person living with BPD.  Have you read about FOG in relationships with people living with BPD? How do you think FOG applies to your situation?
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smackrabbits

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« Reply #10 on: March 12, 2015, 09:14:10 AM »

Thanks for sharing that. Those are of course normal feelings after a breakup, particularly after a breakup with a person living with BPD.  Have you read about FOG in relationships with people living with BPD? How do you think FOG applies to your situation?

I have read about FOG. It's a new line of thinking for me, but I think it applies in some aspects.

I struggle with the fear of what could happen - damaging behavior towards myself or the kids or herself. 

I don't feel like I struggle with obligation. I WANT to be with her and to support her health and well-being. I don't feel like I have to or am required to.

I do feel guilty at times for the parts I've played in the past of rejecting her and emotionally abandoning her. Taking responsibilty for that has been done, but it's only recognized on my side so there is some guilt at times.

I'm not sure if that is an accurate application of the FOG idea.  The fear is the hardest thing for me.
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Mike-X
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« Reply #11 on: March 12, 2015, 10:28:33 AM »

I have read about FOG. It's a new line of thinking for me, but I think it applies in some aspects.

I struggle with the fear of what could happen - damaging behavior towards myself or the kids or herself. 

I don't feel like I struggle with obligation. I WANT to be with her and to support her health and well-being. I don't feel like I have to or am required to.

I do feel guilty at times for the parts I've played in the past of rejecting her and emotionally abandoning her. Taking responsibilty for that has been done, but it's only recognized on my side so there is some guilt at times.

I'm not sure if that is an accurate application of the FOG idea.  The fear is the hardest thing for me.

Again, thanks for sharing. Would you mind sharing your fears regarding damage to yourself and kids? I worried about smear campaigns, particularly at my work. I also had to deal with wild false accusations, mostly about me cheating, but I got to a point where I wasn't sure if there really were any limits to the confabulations and false accusations. I became much more concerned after reading about all of the legals issues, with false accusations, that others have experienced.

Do you mind sharing more details about your guilt? Also, do you mind sharing her reactions/actions about those things that you feel guilt about?
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smackrabbits

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« Reply #12 on: March 12, 2015, 11:27:44 AM »

I have read about FOG. It's a new line of thinking for me, but I think it applies in some aspects.

I struggle with the fear of what could happen - damaging behavior towards myself or the kids or herself. 

I don't feel like I struggle with obligation. I WANT to be with her and to support her health and well-being. I don't feel like I have to or am required to.

I do feel guilty at times for the parts I've played in the past of rejecting her and emotionally abandoning her. Taking responsibilty for that has been done, but it's only recognized on my side so there is some guilt at times.

I'm not sure if that is an accurate application of the FOG idea.  The fear is the hardest thing for me.

Again, thanks for sharing. Would you mind sharing your fears regarding damage to yourself and kids? I worried about smear campaigns, particularly at my work. I also had to deal with wild false accusations, mostly about me cheating, but I got to a point where I wasn't sure if there really were any limits to the confabulations and false accusations. I became much more concerned after reading about all of the legals issues, with false accusations, that others have experienced.

Do you mind sharing more details about your guilt? Also, do you mind sharing her reactions/actions about those things that you feel guilt about?

I'm afraid of her reaching out to another man as she did before.  I'm afraid of her drinking and letting it become a problem. I'm afraid of her lack of care.  I'm afraid of her neglecting the children (even though she is a loving and caring mother this is a fear that I have). I'm afraid that this will never end.  I'm afraid that she and I will never really know a deeper love. I'm afraid of a separation (which is a current potential event). I'm afraid of losing her. 

The guilt is based in how I treated her in the past.  I would ignore her.  I didn't treat her all that well often (mostly as a result of my pride and anger).  I would belittle or demean her at times.  Most of the things I did were out of frustration or hurt or fear, but none of them were right.  And so I feel responsible for a lot of this.
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Mike-X
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« Reply #13 on: March 13, 2015, 08:25:02 PM »

I'm afraid of her reaching out to another man as she did before.  I'm afraid of her drinking and letting it become a problem. I'm afraid of her lack of care.  I'm afraid of her neglecting the children (even though she is a loving and caring mother this is a fear that I have). I'm afraid that this will never end.  I'm afraid that she and I will never really know a deeper love. I'm afraid of a separation (which is a current potential event). I'm afraid of losing her. 

The guilt is based in how I treated her in the past.  I would ignore her.  I didn't treat her all that well often (mostly as a result of my pride and anger).  I would belittle or demean her at times.  Most of the things I did were out of frustration or hurt or fear, but none of them were right.  And so I feel responsible for a lot of this.

Thanks again for sharing. Do you feel guilt regarding her BPD-like behaviors? I certainly did with my GF for some time, and I still occasionally feel a pang of guilt.
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smackrabbits

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« Reply #14 on: March 14, 2015, 04:03:47 PM »

I'm afraid of her reaching out to another man as she did before.  I'm afraid of her drinking and letting it become a problem. I'm afraid of her lack of care.  I'm afraid of her neglecting the children (even though she is a loving and caring mother this is a fear that I have). I'm afraid that this will never end.  I'm afraid that she and I will never really know a deeper love. I'm afraid of a separation (which is a current potential event). I'm afraid of losing her. 

The guilt is based in how I treated her in the past.  I would ignore her.  I didn't treat her all that well often (mostly as a result of my pride and anger).  I would belittle or demean her at times.  Most of the things I did were out of frustration or hurt or fear, but none of them were right.  And so I feel responsible for a lot of this.

Thanks again for sharing. Do you feel guilt regarding her BPD-like behaviors? I certainly did with my GF for some time, and I still occasionally feel a pang of guilt.

The guilt is minimal.  It's more of an occasional pang of discomfort stemming from understanding that I may have been the cause of so much pain for her.

She finished her second DBT yesterday morning (she is in an 8 week Friday mornings class now) and I felt that her response directly after the class was remarkable.  In addition, we were able to sit down last night and have a real adult conversation about several things. I do believe we are heading in a good and positive direction, but each day feels like a week.

She also called and left a message with the psychiatrist in an attempt to schedule her appt for evaluation and possible medication changes.  She has constant anxiety and the medication she was prescribed 4+ years ago was for postpartum depression.  Although it does have an effect on anxiety, this drug is doing nothing for her as best I can tell.

We are taking baby steps in the right direction.  If we take two forward and one back we are doing well! We are like a slow steam engine just leaving the station in no desperate hurry.
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