Husband depressed, said he does not love me & I found out he's having an affair

[Fool2015]

Husband depressed, said he does not love me & I found out he's having an affair!  My husband has had depression for years. 1-1/2 yrs ago I was researching his symptoms & discovered BPD, it seemed like a dream come true. When I read about it, for the first time in 13-1/2 yrs I felt validated, like I was not crazy when I felt like I was always walking on eggshells & his erratic behavior all seemed to make sense. I emailed him the info in hopes he would read it & not go off on me. He called me as soon as he read it & said he thought it was more crap from me, but for the first time he thought the info sounded like him & it made so much sense. He brought it to his therapy session & talked to his therapist & she had him take a test. They talked & the next session he went there, he came home & went off on me & said he was not going back because she was referring him to another doctor & he was going to cost an additional $350 per appt plus what he was paying her. But he needed the 2nd dr to get meds. That was it! Never went back. Fast forward we had some personal loss, then his mom became ill & he spiraled in 2014. By the Fall he seemed spacey, severely detached & out of nowhere he said we need marriage counseling stat! He was very anxious about getting it scheduled asap. I felt suspicious, was he having an affair? He said no. We went & he was very mean, cold, harsh. Fast forward 4-1/2 months of therapy & him claiming no affair, I uncovered an online affair on Sunday. He claims it started 5-1/2 months ago!  On Sat he told me in therapy he is not in love with me. When I discovered the affair on Sunday, he said he would stop as it was no big deal. I said, well you sent her lots of selfies, you both kept expressing how you loved each other & on and on in text messages & I saw only a tiny bit. So the problem is I am still in love with him & I am sick about it. He is not here, he works out of town & commutes home every weekend. I am a mess, I am throwing myself into my work. I have not shared a word with anyone I know, only our therapist. The therapist, myself & my husband discussed BPD & the symptoms, but she refused to specifically diagnose it. I in my private session discussed this with her. She said he will most likely not come back. He did not take the discussion of the topic well in the first place. He does have the criteria for it & the long history of the patterns of it as well. Through the 4-1/2 months, the therapist has seen more & more come out as well, so now it it more about trying to steer him to get him in a better mental state as he was in bad shape when we first started. My confronting him this week ended up bringing him to new lows after his rage from the confrontation. I just don't know if his saying he does not love me is because of the depression & mental state, if so is there hope... .or am I living a pipe dream? Does anyone else have a like situation where the emotions went to being so numb they feel nothing & proclaim they are not in love with you? Is it real or is it a temporary confusion? I am so confused & lost in this process.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[NGU]

I see you're posting this in the "Staying" section, and mention that you still love him. As for him, he's having a problem with therapy, with the thought of a BPD diagnosis, and insists he's not in love with you. Are there still times where he seems like his former self? Has he threatened to break off your relationship?

It sounds like you're in a really tough spot here. I'd be interested to see how other members respond to your situation.

[going places]

My confronting him this week ended up bringing him to new lows after his rage from the confrontation. I just don't know if his saying he does not love me is because of the depression & mental state, if so is there hope... .or am I living a pipe dream?

Does anyone else have a like situation where the emotions went to being so numb they feel nothing & proclaim they are not in love with you? Is it real or is it a temporary confusion?

I am so confused & lost in this process.

YOUR confrontation with him did NOT cause him new lows.

Please understand. YOU do not 'cause' him anything.

If he is having an affair, no, he does not love you.

Love does not do despicable things like this.

Love is patient, love is kind.

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.

Numb? Loss of feeling?

No.

It's an excuse so he can 'feel better' about what he is doing, which is cheating.

Infidelity is a perminate condition.

The relationship will never be the same, ever.

This relationship was over the second he 'began' the affair... .

And the trust bond has been broken... .and it will always be in the back of your mind.

Adultery will happen more frequently and more easily from now on.

I tried with EVERYTHING I had, including losing myself, and then becoming so depressed I wanted to die... .

After I caught mine in an 8 month affair? He 'got smart' and just figure out how to have the affair and me not find out. That's all.

Meanwhile I thought we were really working together to save the marriage... .

Nope.

It was just me holding onto a pipe dream and throwing 3 precious years of my life (and my kids lives) down the toilet.

Run.

[tjay933]

Adultery will happen more frequently and more easily from now on.

I agree. once they cross that line, they see no boundary there at all-and often no need for one on their behalf as they can't help it, it isn't their fault-it must be yours in some way(in their mind at least). it will be easier for him to cross over again and make light of it now that he knows you know. in his mind it is permissible because you (fill in whatever excuse he wants here).

you didn't "make him" anything. just know that.

stay strong and stay safe. keep working with your T on things.

[Fool2015]

Thank you for your reply.  I should clarify, the affair is an affair not to downplay it however it has been 100% emotional as they have never met in person & live across the country from each other. It is an online affair. My husband has described himself as feeling lonely inside since he was a child. The discovery of the affair ended in long discussions and deep conversation of him trying to explain how he feels inside, how he has felt inside since he was a child. This came with many bouts of uncontrollable crying for him in our conversation. I felt sorry for him, but did not comfort him, I just listened and kept an upper hand in the the conversation to continue to drive the conversation forward to get him to talk. He has kept everything inside & it seemed like he had reached a point he had never reached before in being able to open up. If nothing else it was good for me to hear him talk & express what has been going on in him. It helped me as well. He said he felt that he does not & did not deserve me. He knows he has not treated me kindly through the years, he knows he is not the person he wants to be. He feels awful for bringing me down & bringing me into his "craziness" as he puts it. He is miserable, I know I cannot fix it for him. I am miserable as I feel alone. I long for the husband I know I had, when he was/is well. I just don't know if he will ever get better for a long period of time, it seems like his bouts are worse & deeper depression with it. The depression meds as of late have evened out his mood, he is not mean, he is easier to be around & trying hard to treat me kind. I told him I cannot understand how he could sit in therapy each week trying to work on saving a marriage & at the same time be having a long distance emotional affair. I asked if he could see the problem with why the two would conflict. He said he did not think anything of the affair, to him it was nothing more than a distraction. He is so screwed up & lost & going through a mid-life crisis at the same time. This all started by the death of our dog from cancer who was our little amazing rescue dog, followed by his mother being diagnosed with lung cancer a year ago, the surgery & treatment caused dementia so that has caused a great loss of the woman we knew. It has been a very tough 18 months. He has spiraled downward over this time, but hit a now low or a "fog" or a level of being I have never seen roughly 8-9 months ago & it has continued.  It has been a "state", a deeper depression & larger mood swings, anger, reckless driving, etc. He is not violent, never has been. But will go off verbally for seemingly no reason. The new meds have pretty much calmed that altogether now. So I am looking forward to therapy this week to tell the therapist about the affair & see how it goes & where this leads us... .   

[tjay933]

they do respond badly with any type of stress and it sounds like he's had a lot of stress lately, not that you haven't but they respond to stress by getting a hair trigger. hang in there. take some time everyday for yourself-even if it is just sitting in the sun for 5 min to let the rays soak your skin, or have a chocolate break(i like those) or getting a mani if you like those. you deserve it. 

[LilHurt420]

my uBPDh goes through these depressive states where he creates distance between us, cheats, and then is really mean to me.

once he gets caught his tune changes and he suddenly can't live without me and will do "anything" to make things work.

most of the time i just want out... .the more time that goes on the more i want to leave.  i stay because of the kids and financial reasons. it sucks to live like this though

[Grey Kitty]

  Hello and welcome to bpdfamily, Fool2015!

You'll find a lot of support for you here from people who've been through it, whatever path you end up taking.

For now, you are still living with your husband, so do what you can to make the best of that... .and that starts with taking care of yourself.

You say you've not told anybody in your life about this yet. I can understand that... .do you have any other supportive friends or family members you do talk to? If not about the affair, about other difficulties in your life, or just how challenging it can be to live with your husband?

Do you have your own job/career? Hobbies? Children? Pets? Other things which you take comfort in?

 Hang in there--it will get better for you... .and do keep sharing your story here. That helps. A LOT.

[Fool2015]

 Hello and welcome to bpdfamily, Fool2015!

You'll find a lot of support for you here from people who've been through it, whatever path you end up taking.

For now, you are still living with your husband, so do what you can to make the best of that... .and that starts with taking care of yourself.

You say you've not told anybody in your life about this yet. I can understand that... .do you have any other supportive friends or family members you do talk to? If not about the affair, about other difficulties in your life, or just how challenging it can be to live with your husband?

Do you have your own job/career? Hobbies? Children? Pets? Other things which you take comfort in?

 Hang in there--it will get better for you... .and do keep sharing your story here. That helps. A LOT.

Thank you for your support.  I did breakdown and tell a close friend just this week.  It was a weak moment for me, but I must say it sure did help to talk to a friend who is non-judgmental and a friend of mine, not us as a couple.  I struggle with the months of therapy & him lying the entire time saying he was working on the marriage while the entire time he was having the emotional affair and ragging on me in therapy.  The perfect person who he has never met face to face (white) and the perceived bad person (black) wife that he is irritated by everything I do or say.  Of course since I discovered the affair & we got that on the table, the therapist set him straight on that being someone that he would only hear good positive things from because he does not know the person, he has ended the affair & now I am "white" again.  He is 100% plugged back in to "us". I am angry because the last 5 months has been hell, as the therapist told me alone in past sessions, she said he is just plain mean to you.  He says means things, harsh means things and seems to not get that it is him, not me.  Not that I am perfect, we all have things we can improve on, so don't get me wrong, but you cannot reason with someone that is just plain "out there".  We now got bad news that his moms cancer is back.  We understood the docs got it all and the chemo worked, but the tests they just did for the 1 yr follow (only 5 months post chemo) show stage 4 cancer.  So we won't know what if any treatment can be done until next week.  I'm glad he is at least on antidepressants now as he only started those in January 2015.  At least he is leaning on me and not barking at me, for that I am grateful at this time.  I don't know what the future will hold.  I am undecided if I can live this way for the remainder of my life as I feel I may have only discovered the tip of the iceberg of affairs & assuming history repeats itself, I at some point need to do what is best for me.  The tough part is, I still love him and that is it. 

[Fool2015]

my uBPDh goes through these depressive states where he creates distance between us, cheats, and then is really mean to me.

once he gets caught his tune changes and he suddenly can't live without me and will do "anything" to make things work.

most of the time i just want out... .the more time that goes on the more i want to leave.  i stay because of the kids and financial reasons. it sucks to live like this though

I'm in the stage of him being so nice and kind now.  So I at least feel like I am understanding the patterns and the BPD terms of the "black" & "white".  So I was the "black" and I have been the "black" for probably the last year.  I don't know what triggered it, but I was there.  My discovering his affair and our post in depth heart to heart conversation of which he opened up and became vulnerable for the first time in years, he expressed feelings and events going all the way back to him being a very small child.  He trusted me at that time to open up and share and in the process I became the "white" again.  I don't know how long it will last and I do not understand enough yet to know what or how I can still express what I need to do and say and get out in therapy without falling right back into the black with him.  So we will see.  Hang in there.  We have a good therapist that I can talk to and she helps me navigate how I can best approach him as well. 

[Fool2015]

they do respond badly with any type of stress and it sounds like he's had a lot of stress lately, not that you haven't but they respond to stress by getting a hair trigger. hang in there. take some time everyday for yourself-even if it is just sitting in the sun for 5 min to let the rays soak your skin, or have a chocolate break(i like those) or getting a mani if you like those. you deserve it. 

Thank you for your support.  I took it to heart and I went and had a 1-1/2 massage and had them focus on my trigger points as I have knots in my shoulders and upper back from all the stress.  My work has been very stressful as well.  I am a career woman with a lot of pressure right now which does not help.  My husband does not understand my pressures at work, only his own (common, his problems are always the focus or worse than mine:-).  The massage was the best and I actually went to dinner with girlfriends last night.  So it was nice.  Thank you!

[zeus123]

he does not love you and he cheated on you ! wow. and you still call him your husband.

if not loving you and cheating on you is not a wake up call for you; i wonder what is...

[tjay933]

Fool (don't know if that is appropriate to call you that)

I'm glad you are in a better place right now. good job on taking some time for yourself. keep doing that. it will make a difference. 

[Oooohm]

Fool2015

He is not saying "I don't love you"

He is saying "I can't stand seeing me through your eyes now that you know I'm defective so I'm going to push you away to stop the hurt and find someone (Temporarily) who doesn't know I'm defective"

[ColdEthyl]

Wow zeus that was umm... .quite harsh.

@Fool2015, I had an emotional affair on my ex husband about 8 years ago. I do not have BPD. What I did have was an unhappy marriage and I felt like I couldn't communicate with my ex husband. The guy I was talking to also lived over seas, and it was nice to have someone I felt like understood me.

If you want to stay in the marriage, it's going to take a lot of T, and both of you have to be committed. That's the hard part. When I went through my divorce with my ex husband, I was really angry because I tried so hard and he didn't care enough to try. That's a possibility. But for me... .I needed to know I did everything I possibly could before I was able to move on from the failed marriage. It wasn't easy. I had to take some good hard honest looks at myself, and it sounds like that's where you might be.

Please, read the lessons here so you can communicate with your pwBPD better. How things are said makes a huge impact for them and how they interpret your message. Also, I will suggest to not tell him about BPD suspicions or this site, both of which will most likely trigger a dysregulation.

[Grey Kitty]

Thank you for your support.  I did breakdown and tell a close friend just this week.  It was a weak moment for me, but I must say it sure did help to talk to a friend who is non-judgmental and a friend of mine, not us as a couple.

That kind of vulnerability requires strength... .it isn't a sign of weakness.

That this person was supportive means you also used very good judgment in picking the right person to talk to.

Keep putting energy into this relationship--you need people like this in your life.

Getting a massage and dinner with your girlfriends is also just what you need.

As they say... .put your own oxygen mask on first before assisting others. Take care of yourself first. If you are falling apart, you can't do anything for your husband or for your marriage. If you do take care of yourself, you will find the strength to do more for your marriage.

Please keep sharing your story here--it really does help, and we can show you how to use tools to stop creating any extra conflict in your marriage--it already has enough!

[OffRoad]

Fool2015

He is not saying "I don't love you"

He is saying "I can't stand seeing me through your eyes now that you know I'm defective so I'm going to push you away to stop the hurt and find someone (Temporarily) who doesn't know I'm defective"

This. Right here^^^^^^^

I don't know how old he is, but with the personal loss and his mom being ill, you might have Mid Life Crisis mixed in with BPD. Both MLC and BPD have similar symptoms on the surface, but pwBPD seem more likely to end up with MLC, IMO. I'd read up on both, in your copious ( ) spare time. 

[zeus123]

if your partner cheats on you,you'll somehow accommodate and overlook it, no matter how wounding their behavior is to your self-esteem.people with even modicum of self-worth will not tolerate such abuses nor stay involved with anyone who treats them that way. your desire to "forgive and forget" is the "splicing" reflex you learned in childhood.

sticking one's head in the sand only works for ostriches. for us humans, it's called denial,which can ultimately prove deadly.