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Author Topic: 3weeks and still painted black  (Read 506 times)
townhouse
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« on: March 11, 2015, 05:46:36 AM »




It's been 3 weeks since we had an "argument" which I now know to call a dysregulation.

During this time I have experienced many mood swings from my uBPD SO, mainly brought about by his overuse of alcohol. He would drink and he would be friendly talking to me, laughing and with plans for the next day

Come the next morning he would be his usual irritable silent self again and refuse to do what he had planned.

I am trying just to maintain some semblance of a normal life but it is so hard to carry on not knowing if this time will pass as all the others have. It's like waiting for a terrible verdict to be delivered.

His 'getting rid' of me has happened twice in the past and I have returned because he initiated it. However, this time I am fearful that he seems more set in his ways of continuing to paint the relationship as black but this could be for others reasons such as he is now receiving a government allowance which he is very happy about.

Although my SO fits the requirements to be diagnosed with BPD in nearly all points, I find that he doesn't seem to have a fear of being abandoned. In fact he seems to want to be alone, and just moves from the computer to the living room to the bedroom without really even acknowledging that I am in the house.

Of course, should the builder pop in, he is all smiles and charming even though to me he can't stand this person. It is so hard to understand and try to not Jade etc.

Thanks for listening.

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MaroonLiquid
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« Reply #1 on: March 11, 2015, 11:23:50 AM »



It's been 3 weeks since we had an "argument" which I now know to call a dysregulation.

During this time I have experienced many mood swings from my uBPD SO, mainly brought about by his overuse of alcohol. He would drink and he would be friendly talking to me, laughing and with plans for the next day

Come the next morning he would be his usual irritable silent self again and refuse to do what he had planned.

I am trying just to maintain some semblance of a normal life but it is so hard to carry on not knowing if this time will pass as all the others have. It's like waiting for a terrible verdict to be delivered.

His 'getting rid' of me has happened twice in the past and I have returned because he initiated it. However, this time I am fearful that he seems more set in his ways of continuing to paint the relationship as black but this could be for others reasons such as he is now receiving a government allowance which he is very happy about.

Although my SO fits the requirements to be diagnosed with BPD in nearly all points, I find that he doesn't seem to have a fear of being abandoned. In fact he seems to want to be alone, and just moves from the computer to the living room to the bedroom without really even acknowledging that I am in the house.

Of course, should the builder pop in, he is all smiles and charming even though to me he can't stand this person. It is so hard to understand and try to not Jade etc.

Thanks for listening.

So sorry you are in this stage.  Being painted black is one the hardest things to go through regarding pwBPD.  I have gone through 6-8 weeks several times of being painted black as night, the silent treatment, a smear campaign, etc.  The hardest thing for me was getting it down deep that even though it's not about us, it does affect us.  It is a nightmare at times, but I also think the worse it is, the more they care.  It can also turn into a smear campaign so that anything you might say that would expose them would be met with resistance.  It is a cycle and you have to concentrate on you and what you want in the interim.  This is a cycle.  Do you know that there is a "order to the disorder?"
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townhouse
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« Reply #2 on: March 11, 2015, 08:19:14 PM »

Thanks for your thoughtful reply MaroonLiquid. I am not quite sure what you mean by a 'smear campaign'. But I can relate to the later part of your sentence which follows---

'It can also turn into a smear campaign so that anything you might say that would expose them would be met with resistance"

For me this means I am unable to say anything at all about anything to do with him, me or our relationship. He won't allow me to say anything. If I do he just scowls and makes a growling noise and disappears into his computer room. I don't get a chance to create boundaries because I am not allowed to speak except to quickly say something like "Is there anything you need from the shops".  I am however, allowed to speak on certain topics like politics when he has been drinking but only if I agree with him.

All of this applies to when he is in this part of the cycle. When I am in the white then I can say pretty much anything except about how he was or what it was like for me. We just pretend it didn't happen.

I just hope he can come out of this cycle and reconnect with me as I have learnt so much from this site that I would love to be able to put into practice. I am learning that "there is order to the disorder."
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MaroonLiquid
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« Reply #3 on: March 11, 2015, 09:41:22 PM »

A smear campaign is when they paint you black to everyone (and tell outrageous lies at times) to keep those people on their side and if you do try and tell them the truth, they will think you are the crazy one.  When my wife went through her major dysregulation 8-1/2 months ago where she separated from me and rented a house behind my back, told people that I was abusive to her (when in fact she was verbally and physically abusive to me), was having an affair among other things.  
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townhouse
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« Reply #4 on: March 12, 2015, 12:10:27 AM »

Yes I get it now "smear campaign"

I don't think will happen to me as my SO (13 years) doesn't hardly speak to anyone. He sometimes reluctantly speaks to his younger brother on the phone but doesn't mention me.

When we separated for 6 months 3 years ago he didn't smear me at all. He was working then and just told everyone that I will be better off without him. I guess this disorder plus add on s like alcoholism takes many forms which I am now learning about. Sometimes other peoples posts sound just like my S O and others don't.

It must be dreadful when lies are being told about you. I would think the need to justify, argue, defend, explain (jade) would be overwhelming.
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townhouse
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« Reply #5 on: March 12, 2015, 11:10:28 PM »

Update

I went to stay with a girlfriend for 2 nights to give my SO and I some space. I was terribly nervous driving home but surprise... .things aren't as bad as when I left.

Not great mind you, but he at least asked how was my stay. When I replied we had listened to music and had a little dance around her living room, he replied that sounded like good fun and that my friend is indeed a character. ( in other words didn't paint her black like he has been doing)

The point being of course that there has been a shift from being totally focused on himself.

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JRT
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« Reply #6 on: March 13, 2015, 12:23:16 AM »

I find that he doesn't seem to have a fear of being abandoned. In fact he seems to want to be alone, and just moves from the computer to the living room to the bedroom without really even acknowledging that I am in the house.

I wonder if, perhaps, you might be misinterpreting his preference for being alone for a non-fear of abandonment. I would argue that they are two different things His preference for solitude might indicate that he is a BPD hermit. Its something to consider for great understanding. Here is a link to a thread on it:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=219974.0

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patientandclear
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« Reply #7 on: March 13, 2015, 08:20:37 PM »

I agree with JRT about the difference between fear of abandonment and tolerance for solitude.  Abandonment is the other person leaving.  Aloneness can result from the pwBPD leaving.  They are miles apart.
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townhouse
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« Reply #8 on: March 14, 2015, 12:07:28 AM »

Thanks for the link JRT. Looked that up plus others concerning the Hermit, and it all seems to fit.

Patientandcl... .

"Abandonment is the other person leaving. Aloneness can result from the pwBPD leaving"

I guess that is what I am fearful of.
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townhouse
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« Reply #9 on: March 17, 2015, 08:15:26 AM »

Further update

The past few days have gone quite well. We get along, we discuss politics, he is nice to me again in that he returns my "good morning". We discuss what to have for dinner etc. but there is no touching/ hugs. I can see that he is still dysregulated, and very negative. Also, he is still nicer to me when he drinks. That's when he forgets that I am the enemy and calls me "darling".

I made a big mistake tonight. We watched a movie in bed which we both enjoyed and when it finished  I gave him a little kiss on the shoulder. His reaction was painful for me. He squirmed away saying "thank goodness that's over" (me hugging him) I said nicely " Oh You're still in one of your non touching moods" and he replied "Oh don't get at me"

So what do you think. You may not believe me but I hardly ever get at him. That's the trouble ... .we hardly ever talk about 'us' personally. I validate.

I was very hurt. Felt ashamed/ belittled. Do you think I should state this in the morning. Words like " I feel belittled when you don't want me to give you a hug or a little kiss" I mean it's only been about 4 weeks since we were having a really loving relationship instigated by him and myself.

I am so thankful for this site and I am amazed that there is this opportunity to ask questions of people who are more experienced or are more aware of this disorder than I have been.


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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #10 on: March 17, 2015, 12:46:45 PM »

I made a big mistake tonight. We watched a movie in bed which we both enjoyed and when it finished  I gave him a little kiss on the shoulder. His reaction was painful for me. He squirmed away saying "thank goodness that's over" (me hugging him) I said nicely " Oh You're still in one of your non touching moods" and he replied "Oh don't get at me"

So what do you think. You may not believe me but I hardly ever get at him. That's the trouble ... .we hardly ever talk about 'us' personally. I validate.

I was very hurt. Felt ashamed/ belittled. Do you think I should state this in the morning. Words like " I feel belittled when you don't want me to give you a hug or a little kiss" I mean it's only been about 4 weeks since we were having a really loving relationship instigated by him and myself.

I am so thankful for this site and I am amazed that there is this opportunity to ask questions of people who are more experienced or are more aware of this disorder than I have been.

Having a relationship with a pwBPD is definitely different than being with a "non" and it's easy to forget that when they're in a good mood, or at least being civil and polite. With a non, you can tell them your feelings and chances are they will respond to that in a sympathetic way and find a strategy to work things out (not always of course, but there's hope). With a pwBPD, telling them that you feel "belittled" even though it's true and a very valid feeling--they will feel criticized and shamed. I know it's not fair, but it's what is. Sorry.   

You might be able to broach this topic when he's not dysregulating and when he's being open to you, but then you probably wouldn't need to.
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
townhouse
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« Reply #11 on: March 17, 2015, 05:28:22 PM »

Thanks Cat. You are right of course.

This morning he is very ill tempered and silent again. All I achieved by that tiny touch was a step back. ":)on't make it any worse" keeps coming to mind and unfortunately I did.

I can usually get him out of his not touching phrase just by little hugs but I guess it was too soon. This is a big dysregulation, made worse I guess because he is on drugs for the stent he had put in a year ago after a heart attack, which have side affects including depression.

Also, made worse I guess because we were so happy for two months prior when he was planning our wedding.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #12 on: March 17, 2015, 06:07:17 PM »

Townhouse, one thing I have picked up from your posts is your concern that you made your bf's dysregulation worse by being affectionate. However, many times the dysregulations have nothing to do with you, and are about their own thinking and interpretation of things. This is something that you have no control over, at all.

I don't know what is going on with him. Perhaps it is something that nobody can know- maybe he doesn't know. The only thing you can control is the focus on you and your self care. Do it for you, and only for you. However, sometimes taking the focus off him might snap him out of this. If you are focusing on him, and how he is feeling, this could also be reinforcing his behavior as it gets your attention away from you and on to him.

Stress is a trigger for dysregulation. You mentioned that he has a stent- that is stressful. It was a year ago. You mentioned that you had some surgery, and perhaps that triggered some stress and fear in him. Regardless, you want to know what to say to him, or do, to snap him out of this or to help. I don't think there is anything you can do to snap him out of this- this is his issue, even if it is hurtful to you. Taking care of yourself can help you feel better- see some friends, take a walk, go out to eat, get your nails done- anything that involves focusing on you.
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townhouse
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« Reply #13 on: March 20, 2015, 01:10:02 AM »

More updating... .so good to be able to get it out

Things are a little better. He came on a walk with me yesterday and we had coffee. We talked about some home stuff and I listened to him talking about the Govt etc.

I have decided to go down to the city for a couple of days again. When I was leaving he bent down and offered his cheek for a goodbye kiss with a sort of wry look. I laughed and gave him a peck on the cheek.

So we'll see how he is when I get back. I am taking these breaks for both of us. I understand that this would be seen as doing this for me, but actually I would prefer just to be hanging around home near him. I'm not sure if this is co-dependent  or just that I love to be with him... .When he's not deregulating of course.
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