Blast from the past

[Zon]

I am not sure on which board to post this.

I received a message wishing me an early happy birthday from an exgf that I have not communicated with for over 20 years.  We amicably split a year prior to the last time I spoke with her.  I told her that I was not ready for a serious relationship.  I feel like I should say hi and thank her.  This would not be told to my uBPD/NPDw because she would not handle it at all.

Here is where it gets more interesting.  This ex had her own issues.  She needed to hear "I love you" from me daily.  Showing it did not count.  Saying it was all she needed, but it was hard for me because I show love a lot more than saying it.  She also had a bit of depression too although I do not know what type nor severity.  Her mom was bipolar, I think.  It was called manic depression then.  I remember my ex describing one event that happened with her mom, and I internally got very nervous.  Overall for the year or more we dated, my ex never did anything that showed she was bipolar.  I just do not know if she will do anything now unexpected.  She lives across the country which gives a buffer.

Does anyone have recommendations about this?  Do I say hi and thank you?  Do I ignore it (guilt trip )?  Other possibilities I am not seeing?

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[ColdEthyl]

I guess you have to ask yourself how important it is to you. Personally, I wouldn't touch that with a 10 foot pole. My H can't handle fake cartoon character men let alone real ones.

[Zon]

Sanity is more important, but I doubt I will get that regardless of my decision.    I do not know if it will matter if I do say hi or not.  She may reach out more than that if I do not head it off.

[Notwendy]

Zon, intention and boundaries are important to consider here. Yes, you two were intimate, but that was 20 years ago. Any contact that implies intimacy or something personal seems to be out of bounds to me IMHO. Someone wishing me happy birthday out of the blue would make me uncomfortable as it implies that they are remembering something about me- all that time later.

The only time I have heard ( or contacted ) people out of the blue is for something that is public- and intention is meaningful here. I did contact someone when I read his parent's obituary in the paper- because I knew the deceased and wanted to send condolences.  When my father died, I also received messages from friends from long ago who had heard the news. I think the messages were , appropriate- "I remember your father and I am sorry for your loss" and nothing else.

An out of the blue "happy birthday" would make me uncomfortable as the intent would be ambiguous. I think you are debating how to reply. I would not reply to an ambiguous message. However, if I did, my reply would include a non-personal - and I am not available- message such as " Thank you for the birthday wishes. I am enjoying the day with my wife and children. I hope you are well". This sends a statement of non intent. I doubt that you would receive a reply, but if you did, then you could address that with another "not interested" reply and not answer any others.

One thing to consider is how you would feel if you saw the e mails. A "Happy Birthday" out of the blue to my H from an old flame might raise my eyebrows. An  " I read the obituary in the paper and I'm sorry for your loss" from  someone he dated a long time ago who knew his parents wouldn't.

[Zon]

Thank you NotWendy.  Yes, I am trying to figure out how to reply.  The message is short.  She said three things:

• Happy early birthday



• "I don't mean any harm by saying hello."



• Have a great year.

It does not seem to mean too much, yes?  Also, she said she had seen my icon--Facebook knows too much, which made her remember my birthday.

[ColdEthyl]

Zon,

No, it's not too much. But we are talking about a r/s with a pwBPD here. If you wish to respond... .that's your choice. But, expect some blow back from your W if you do. If you don't mind me asking... .it seems like you REALLY want to reply here... .is there a reason why it feels important to you?

[Notwendy]

Something like that would make me feel uncomfortable-- someone just saying happy birthday out of the blue in a private email?

Yes, FB does remind people of birthdays, and one can post HB on the FB wall if that's all you want to say. This looks to me like an invitation to a discussion.

[ColdEthyl]

Something like that would make me feel uncomfortable-- someone just saying happy birthday out of the blue in a private email?

Yes, FB does remind people of birthdays, and one can post HB on the FB wall if that's all you want to say. This looks to me like an invitation to a discussion.

That's what I was getting at. If it was me, it would make me uncomfortable as well.

[Grey Kitty]

Thank you NotWendy.  Yes, I am trying to figure out how to reply.  The message is short.  She said three things:

• Happy early birthday

• "I don't mean any harm by saying hello."

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• Have a great year.

It does not seem to mean too much, yes?  Also, she said she had seen my icon--Facebook knows too much, which made her remember my birthday.

That sounds like a  to me. Any time you feel the need to reassure somebody that you aren't doing something underhanded... .you most likely are!

I'm not saying she means you harm... .I'm saying she probably has some agenda/desire/interest in something... .and any sort of something will make a mess in your marriage.


I do agree that you shouldn't tell your wife about it... .especially if you don't reply.

[Zon]

Zon,

No, it's not too much. But we are talking about a r/s with a pwBPD here. If you wish to respond... .that's your choice. But, expect some blow back from your W if you do. If you don't mind me asking... .it seems like you REALLY want to reply here... .is there a reason why it feels important to you?

I feel bad not replying to people.  I feel guilty.  Even if it was an old buddy from high school, I would feel guilty if I did not reply.

I am already getting blow back for seeing a therapist.  She has already suggested that I am doing more with my T (or around that time) than is appropriate.

When I did contact an old girlfriend of mine from college to give her something she had requested almost 20 years ago--I am very slow  , my wife who knew beforehand read into that plus our marriage issues later.  The item in question was an old photo of her children.  Her mother-in-law had not saved the negatives and that photo was lost.  I ran across that old photo and realized that it was be very important to her.

Anyway, it feels like I cannot do anything with anyone without being "wrong" in her eyes.  It is very frustrating.

[Zon]

Something like that would make me feel uncomfortable-- someone just saying happy birthday out of the blue in a private email?

Yes, FB does remind people of birthdays, and one can post HB on the FB wall if that's all you want to say. This looks to me like an invitation to a discussion.

I do see that it sounds like that type of invitation.  Even not married, I would be careful about it.

[Zon]

Thank you NotWendy.  Yes, I am trying to figure out how to reply.  The message is short.  She said three things:

• Happy early birthday

• "I don't mean any harm by saying hello."

• Have a great year.

It does not seem to mean too much, yes?  Also, she said she had seen my icon--Facebook knows too much, which made her remember my birthday.

That sounds like a  to me. Any time you feel the need to reassure somebody that you aren't doing something underhanded... .you most likely are!

I even have to reassure my wife that I am not doing something underhanded when I visit my mom, so I am a bit lost on what reality is.  If everything you do requires reassuring them, then you can lose sense of what is normal stuff.  That is why I have to ask on this forum.  While I am fixing parts of my FOG, some are still there and quite embedded.

I'm not saying she means you harm... .I'm saying she probably has some agenda/desire/interest in something... .and any sort of something will make a mess in your marriage.

I do agree that you shouldn't tell your wife about it... .especially if you don't reply.

I doubt she means me harm.  I am the one that initiated the break up way back when.  She even talked with me as a friend after another girl that I was very serious with broke up with me.  The ironic thing is that she does have a few red flags but pales in comparison to my wife.

Oh, yes!  I will not tell my wife no matter what I do.  However, is this also underhanded?  Technically, I am hiding something from her.  If I do not reply and do not tell my wife, would you consider this something like a white lie?

[Notwendy]

My H works with several women, and I am sure some of them may have been attracted to him. Assuming he has not reciprocated, I don't feel I need to know. Although it is rare, since I am not in contact with many men, If someone even makes me uncomfortable, I don't reply, but I don't think I need to tell him as really nothing happened. However, if I were to reply and get into something- that would be dishonest.

I do communicate with other males but on their FB page, where our friends can see it, and this includes spouses and  kids. The content is usually something about the kids, maybe a light political poke at each other ( we are all on different sides polically, a happy birthday which is up on their walls. There is nothing to "tell" anyone about, because it is all visible- out in the open.

Once someone I barely knew started sending me private messages. As soon as it made me feel uncomfortable, I stopped replying. He unfriended me.

The main point for me= if it is nothing, there is nothing to tell. If it is completely open where anyone can see it, then it is nothing. If I am unsure of the other person's intentions, or the message seems out of line, I don't reply.

If you feel you need to hide something then that is probably crossing the line.

[Grey Kitty]

I'm making an assumption that you have never cheated on your wife, never had an emotional affair, etc... .even though you have probably been accused of such things. If you have actually done anything of the sort, my advice would be different.

I even have to reassure my wife that I am not doing something underhanded when I visit my mom, so I am a bit lost on what reality is.  If everything you do requires reassuring them, then you can lose sense of what is normal stuff.  That is why I have to ask on this forum.  While I am fixing parts of my FOG, some are still there and quite embedded.

This is an area where I would suggest you change how you behave with your wife. As a human being, you have a right to have relationships with friends, and especially your own family. It is NOT reasonable for your wife to shut this down. It is not reasonable for her to grill you about what you did when you see your mom.

What this behavior really is... .is a way to isolate you from other people so she can better control you. It is a classic tactic of any abusive person, as well as cults brainwashing members, and military basic training. Because IT WORKS. You will need to use a lot of willpower to assert your own independence and not let yourself get pulled into a circular argument or a bunch of JADEing every time you see somebody other than your wife.

The ironic thing is that she does have a few red flags but pales in comparison to my wife.

That is pretty much was I was saying about how she contacted you. And why I cautioned you to steer clear, at least for now. Far better for you to put your energy into building/rebuilding important relationships with people who are safer than this one.

Oh, yes!  I will not tell my wife no matter what I do.  However, is this also underhanded?  Technically, I am hiding something from her.  If I do not reply and do not tell my wife, would you consider this something like a white lie?

As for this... .I am learning (slowly!) to be judicious in which truths I tell, and be more pragmatic about it.

I wouldn't consider that deceptive toward your wife--because it is NOT your wife's business. An old girlfriend from 20 years ago pinged you with a friendly greeting... .which despite my suspicions that there might be something else underneath, is all that happened. Even if you replied with "Thanks! " on facebook, it still wouldn't be your wife's business.

If somebody does become a close friend or confidant of yours, that is more your wife's business. Perhaps what you talk about with this person isn't her business, but the relationship is more significant.

If you had a friend at work that you went to lunch with four days a week for the last three years, and was an important person to you, that is also something that your wife might have a right to know about... .whether the person is male or female.

Another pragmatic area regarding who you tell your wife about... .it is probably better that she hear it from you than otherwise. If your wife discovered that you'd been gong to lunch with one person for a decade and had avoided telling her... .I'd expect her to be suspicious to say the least.

I don't know what your facebook relationship is with your wife... .I'm assuming like me, you both have accounts, and are friends, and probably know who most if not all of each other's friends are... .I wouldn't friend this exgirlfriend unless I was willing to answer my wife's (reasonable) question about "Who is this new friend of yours on facebook" which would probably have to include that she was an exgirlfriend.

[Turkish]

Thank you NotWendy.  Yes, I am trying to figure out how to reply.  The message is short.  She said three things:

• Happy early birthday



• "I don't mean any harm by saying hello."



• Have a great year.

It does not seem to mean too much, yes?  Also, she said she had seen my icon--Facebook knows too much, which made her remember my birthday.

FOG. This is a waifish comment. Resist the "rescue."