How do you deal with their lies?

[Yaffle]

Do you just let it go?  Do you confront them?  Or do you make it obvious that they've been found out but not make a scene?

What should you do as well?  Will letting them get away with it just make them do it more in the future because they can?

I've got to admit  let my girlfriend get away with it as I just haven't got the energy for things to end up in an argument but I'm also getting fed up with it so think I have to change that.

The latest couple I've caught her out on are quite minor really and the one is actually so silly its laughable. 

We were looking round a Do It Yourself store and I found her comparing a bright blue paint with the tiles she's decided on for out new kitchen.  I said 'Your not thinking of that colour are you?'  Her reply was along the lines of ':)on't worry it changes colour when it dries.'  -

A.  Why would a paint manufacturer show you what colour a paint is when its wet but not when its dry? and

B.  Why are you comparing a colour when its not going to be that colour when it dries anyway?


Then when I got home last night she said she'd had to take a post down in our garden as it was nearly blowing against a neighbours conservatory and she didn't want it to break the glass.  In all fairness it needed taking down as it had snapped in strong winds a while ago but having looked at the other posts in the garden they are only about 3 inches taller than the fence that's just behind them and with the neighbours window about 18 inches away there was no way the post was going to touch the glass and besides it was a really still day yesterday with no wind.  Then I noticed some screening she'd bought which she hadn't mentioned before which I guess is going to be attached to the fence next to our neighbours conservatory to restrict their view into our garden.

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[NGU]

Hi Yaffle.

I'm having a little difficulty understanding the scope of her lies with the examples you gave. Maybe it's because, like you mentioned, they are minor. And actually, the first one sounds like she's just being illogical.

Can you give an example or two of any major lies? Maybe where she did it to cover up something bad or did it to manipulate?

[LilHurt420]

my uBPDh lies about everything.  I've tried all the ways you've mention and none stop it or make it feel any better to you.  if confronted he blows up acting like how dare I question him (even though he's been caught in lies constantly)... .if I ignore it makes me feel like I'm going to explode.

literally he could tell me the sky is blue and I'd question it just cause it came from him... .sad i know

[Yaffle]

To be honest I don't really trust much of what she tells me.  Most things are pretty petty.  The biggest recent one I can remember is when she told me she was going away for the weekend with her mother a few days before she went.  She insisted she'd told me months ago and it'd been on the calendar for ages.  I know this wasn't true as we'd only been talking a few weeks before about how she hadn't booked to go away with her mother yet this year and also I'd gone through the calendar to check which weeks I was available to play golf only a few days before.

[Yaffle]

A lot of the time they're pointless and I just wonder why she doesn't just tell the truth.  I think there are times that she's worried she'll upset me as she does stuff that she knows I don't want her too (such as throwing things away that I want to keep. 

She also goes into minute detail about any chores she's done.  Rather than saying she got the kids ready for school she'd say 'I got the kids dressed, did their teeth, put their shoes on then put their coats on... .' etc.  Not sure if this her trying to get me to worship her for all her hard work or because she's feeling guilty that she doesn't actually spend much time at home doing house work as she goes and spends most days at her mums.

[ColdEthyl]

My dBPDh lies but they are almost always grandiose in nature. They are designed to paint himself whiter than he feels, so I don't correct him. I only attempt correcting if he keeps assuming a fallacy about me... .IE he keeps saying I don't like grapes, when in fact I do.

[takingandsending]

Hi Yaffle.

A couple of things. I don't think all these things are lies. For a pwBPD, feelings=facts. So, for instance, if she was worried about the post when it snapped in a windstorm, in her head, her anxiety may have reached the point that she envisioned it cracking the glass in the conservatory next door. And worse, maybe she is already worried about what your neighbors think of her. So, in her mind, the facts are there is a real danger of the glass being broken at any moment, and then the neighbors will hate her even more than they already do. Those are their facts, whether or not the laws of Newtonian physics agree or not.

Re. the calendar and dates marked, events communicated, I used to think I was the most forgetful person ever (because I actually am forgetful of things to some degree), and I eventually allowed myself to believe that I must have hidden, ulterior motives for not remembering all the events that my wife told me about because that is what she accused me of. But after BPD diagnosis, I began to allow for the possibility that my wife sometimes thinks about writing something down or telling me about it, forgets herself, but it's as good as written in stone for her. It's the nature of the illness. Joint planners, both using the same calendar, sharing outlook calendars - all of it helps, but this basic problem of feelings=facts is unavoidable. I just let as many of these roll off me as possible.

Lastly, your comment about the paint color could easily be construed as invalidating. I will be honest here, if someone says, while I am in the midst of biting into a nice piece of unhealthy pizza with the works on it, "You're not going to eat that, are you?", it pisses me off. Is there any possibility your wife could have responded defensively to a perceived attack there? It might help to try to rephrase that type of question to "Is that a color you are considering for the kitchen?" and then ":)o you think that color will work with the tiles? It looks like it may clash to me."

[ColdEthyl]

Lastly, your comment about the paint color could easily be construed as invalidating. I will be honest here, if someone says, while I am in the midst of biting into a nice piece of unhealthy pizza with the works on it, "You're not going to eat that, are you?", it pisses me off. Is there any possibility your wife could have responded defensively to a perceived attack there? It might help to try to rephrase that type of question to "Is that a color you are considering for the kitchen?" and then ":)o you think that color will work with the tiles? It looks like it may clash to me."

You do have to be careful with them. I had a recent example of this, too. My H was talking about wanting to move into the country next year, and the town he mentioned is where his exes mother lives. My response was "I'd much rather live in a another town where X doesn't live."

What my H heard was "your idea sucks" and he got agitated, started defending himself. I realized what I did and said "I'm sorry that came out wrong. I meant to say that's a great idea, and are there any other towns you were considering?" And it all got smoothed out from there.

Phrasing is everything.

[Yaffle]

I did actually think as I was saying it that I could have phrased it better.  I think she often does stuff on impulse that would have upset me in the past and I'd confront her about it so now she covers for herself even though I now let most things go

[takingandsending]

Hi Yaffle

I did actually think as I was saying it that I could have phrased it better.  I think she often does stuff on impulse that would have upset me in the past and I'd confront her about it so now she covers for herself even though I now let most things go

It's good that you are using your awareness of BPD to not escalate or trigger a big conflict. I think the hardest part is somehow still not looking for logic or normalcy in our SO's behavior. pwBPD often can be impulsive. pwBPD often can refute facts. How to live with this in every day life? I think we have to pick and choose the areas that are important to us, the lines that can't be crossed over and forgive the rest. Nobody is perfect. It's just that in a relationship with a pwBPD, often there won't be the same reciprocity of forgiveness, at least not to the same degree. If your wife is taking care of your children, getting them fed and dressed and mostly meeting their needs while you are working, that's  a pretty huge contribution. Sometimes, I hang up on the annoyances I have with my wife, and forget that she is doing okay with some really important things.

[tjay933]

imo-a lot of the things you are describing may be attributed to her opinion and view of the world. we all see things in a different way. they feel and then make the facts fit their feelings. a lot of BPDs also have no sense of timing for dates etc and also have conversations in their minds that never really happened with the people they imagined they conversed with. can you view some of these things as "that's her opinion" and shrug it off as such? if she really believes it, is she lying?

I know that when my BPD is shown the true intent behind what he is doing-he explodes with verbal diarrhea to whoever it is that pointed it out to him. that is when he is trying to manipulate and is shown by others his true intent-he knows he had failed in his attempt to get his own way and he's mad that not only did it not work but others can see his attempted deception for what it really is.

[OffRoad]

My dBPDh lies but they are almost always grandiose in nature. They are designed to paint himself whiter than he feels, so I don't correct him. I only attempt correcting if he keeps assuming a fallacy about me... . IE he keeps saying I don't like grapes, when in fact I do.

BBM: Slightly off topic, but this one remind me of H who this week likes tomatoes and next week doesn't like tomatoes and never has, and the following week, when I ask him for his tomatoes from his salad, tells me he likes tomatoes... .

[OffRoad]

In my experience, you have to determine how important the fallacy is (whether it's a lie or not only matters if it affects you).

In the case of the paint, if she liked that colour, your comment invalidated her thought it would be a good colour. So she validated herself by saying that the colour would change. We all know that wet paint usually changes colour when it dries. She may or may not have known what she said to be true.  There was definitely a better way to say that that you didn't like the colour she was looking at, more along the lines of "I'm not sure that colour is quite right. What about this one?"

In the case of the post, it might just have bothered her for it to be loose, so she removed it and had to justify a reason to do so. Or she wanted to put something in that place and didn't want to give you the option of saying "You're not going to put that screening up, are you?"

As to the going away thing, this one I know. You mentioned to her that she hadn't hadn't booked to go away with her mother yet this year. Even though she most likely had been thinking about doing it, she probably thought "Oh, my goodness, I haven't done that!" and immediately went and did so. One of two things happened there: 1) Because she had thought about it previously, in her mind she had it planned "for ages". 2) She was embarrassed you had to remind her so she had to downplay that she waited so long to book the trip. Otherwise, she's a "bad person" for not having done it earlier. PwBPD don't think their behavior is bad, they think they are bad.

To be blunt, your posts read to me as if you minimize her, whether you mean to or not. She is trying to avoid feeling like she is a bad person.  If the fallacies do not harm anyone, let them slide. As to the explaining things in minute detail, she is trying to make clear that getting the kids ready for school isn't a five minute deal, because it isn't. She is verbalizing that her contributions are "worthy".

[ColdEthyl]

My dBPDh lies but they are almost always grandiose in nature. They are designed to paint himself whiter than he feels, so I don't correct him. I only attempt correcting if he keeps assuming a fallacy about me... . IE he keeps saying I don't like grapes, when in fact I do.

BBM: Slightly off topic, but this one remind me of H who this week likes tomatoes and next week doesn't like tomatoes and never has, and the following week, when I ask him for his tomatoes from his salad, tells me he likes tomatoes... .

Haha! One time, I made this southwest crockpot chicken dish. It calls for cream cheese. I put the recommended amount in the recipe (1 block) and after he asked me what the ingredients were, he said it was too rich. I said I would try it with half the cream cheese next time.

I made it the same way as before. He said it was much better! heeheeheeheheehehee