Can it get easier?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am in a 5-year relationship that has been tumultuous at times. In particular now. Things are very rocky right now.

I believe my partner has traits of BPD, although there is no official diagnosis that I know about. There's a chance that another of the cluster B personality types could be more accurate, especially narcissistic. Maybe both?

Some things that make me think it's borderline:

• He seems to alternate between holding me in very high regard and having next to zero regard for me.



• Before we met, he had many, many flings and unstable relationships over the course of his adult life.



• He requires a LOT of validation.



• He is extremely sensitive and emotionally reactive, in ways that can seem wildly extreme and out of proportion to the matter at hand.



• He abuses alcohol. He thinks alcohol helps him get his emotions under control, but from where I'm standing it seems his drinking only makes things much, much worse.

Some things that make me think it's narcissistic:

• He is far more financially successful than me and most of our friends, and he makes a show of his wealth.



• He typically insists on picking up the check when we are out with friends, despite their protests and obvious discomfort.



• He must have the most top-of-the-line products, the best seats, the finest dining experiences, etc. (Even when we struggle to pay the rent on our fabulous, pricey apartment.)



• He appears to have significantly more empathy for his purebred pets (and maybe a couple idolized friends/family) than for the majority of people (me included) or, for that matter, pets without pedigrees.

We have a serious power imbalance, and it has taken a toll on my self-esteem over the years. When things take a turn for the worse—like currently—nothing I do or say lands quite right for him. Even if I do or say nothing, that doesn't land right either. He belittles me, pointing out all the ways he finds me insufficient—my meager income, my inadequate displays of appreciation, etc.—and simply mocks any rebuttal I offer to defend my contributions to our home and relationship. I get so flustered I just want to crawl under a rock.

We do not have children, though it has been our plan to have kids eventually.

I feel committed to making this relationship last, and I have taken making this assertion my first response to any big conflict. In the past year or so I have read several books about conflict resolution, communication, borderline personality (secretly), self-esteem, and spirituality. I keep hoping I will figure out the right way to communicate, thus freeing us both from the painful conflicts and allowing us to enjoy the things we truly love about each other. But it is such an uphill battle.

Can anyone tell me if it can get easier? Do you think a counselor could help him/us if he was agreeable? If so, any tips to broach the topic?

I know many of you will relate on some level to what I'm going though, and I want to thank you in advance for your support.

[calmhope]

I am in a 5-year relationship that has been tumultuous at times. In particular now. Things are very rocky right now.

I believe my partner has traits of BPD, although there is no official diagnosis that I know about. There's a chance that another of the cluster B personality types could be more accurate, especially narcissistic. Maybe both?

Some things that make me think it's borderline:

• He seems to alternate between holding me in very high regard and having next to zero regard for me.



• Before we met, he had many, many flings and unstable relationships over the course of his adult life.



• He requires a LOT of validation.



• He is extremely sensitive and emotionally reactive, in ways that can seem wildly extreme and out of proportion to the matter at hand.



• He abuses alcohol. He thinks alcohol helps him get his emotions under control, but from where I'm standing it seems his drinking only makes things much, much worse.

Some things that make me think it's narcissistic:

• He is far more financially successful than me and most of our friends, and he makes a show of his wealth.



• He typically insists on picking up the check when we are out with friends, despite their protests and obvious discomfort.



• He must have the most top-of-the-line products, the best seats, the finest dining experiences, etc. (Even when we struggle to pay the rent on our fabulous, pricey apartment.)



• He appears to have significantly more empathy for his purebred pets (and maybe a couple idolized friends/family) than for the majority of people (me included) or, for that matter, pets without pedigrees.

We have a serious power imbalance, and it has taken a toll on my self-esteem over the years. When things take a turn for the worse—like currently—nothing I do or say lands quite right for him. Even if I do or say nothing, that doesn't land right either. He belittles me, pointing out all the ways he finds me insufficient—my meager income, my inadequate displays of appreciation, etc.—and simply mocks any rebuttal I offer to defend my contributions to our home and relationship. I get so flustered I just want to crawl under a rock.

We do not have children, though it has been our plan to have kids eventually.

I feel committed to making this relationship last, and I have taken making this assertion my first response to any big conflict. In the past year or so I have read several books about conflict resolution, communication, borderline personality (secretly), self-esteem, and spirituality. I keep hoping I will figure out the right way to communicate, thus freeing us both from the painful conflicts and allowing us to enjoy the things we truly love about each other. But it is such an uphill battle.

Can anyone tell me if it can get easier? Do you think a counselor could help him/us if he was agreeable? If so, any tips to broach the topic?

I know many of you will relate on some level to what I'm going though, and I want to thank you in advance for your support.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Calmhope, 

Welcome.  You have come to the right place for support and understanding.

I am sorry that you are going through this.  I understand how painful and frustrating it is coping with these types of behaviors.   

Although I cannot diagnose your partner, there could be a possibility that he shares traits of BPD and NPD (comorbidity). Many people with BPD (pwBPD) can have many narcissistic traits and comorbidity of NPD and BPD is common.

I cannot say for certain that things will get easier, because even in a relationship with a non-disordered person things are not always easy.  On the other hand, there are things we can do to improve our relationships with a pwBPD. You mentioned you want to learn an effective way to communicate with your SO. Effective communication is one way that we can learn to improve our relationship.  Communication techniques have improved communication with my bf greatly.  Prior to learning communication techniques most of our discussions/conversations typically ended up as arguments and fights. I usually tended to walk on eggshells whenever there were difficult things that needed to be discussed.  Now I can speak to my bf about difficult subjects. It has changed my relationship immensely.   Here is an article to get you started.

Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

A counselor or therapist can help, but many pwBPD have a problem taking responsibility/accepting their behavior or that there is something "wrong" with them. A pwBPD may feel threatened.   It truly depends on an individual basis.

Another large part of improving a relationship with a pwBPD is for us, the non-BPD partner to work on ourselves. As you mentioned, many of the behaviors can take a toll on you, especially self-esteem.  I found that my support system of my family, friends, and therapist has helped me cope with my bf's behaviors.  I have learned and became a stronger person by being in a relationship with my bf.  Do you have a support system?

 

[calmhope]

Hello EaglesJuju. I really appreciate your support and understanding!

I think my first post was a whole lot of "thinking out loud." Thank you for pointing out that comorbidity of NPD and BPD is common, because that possibility makes a whole lot of sense here.

I recently started practicing SET communication. I find it really hard to do effectively—especially when he is lashing out at me nonstop—but I hope to get better at it with practice. I also, just tonight, stumbled across the concept of JADE (don't Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain), and I can see a place for that in my toolkit, too.

If we can get unmired from our current terrible relations—and at this point it seems like a really big IF—I am hopeful he may be open to at least trying couples counseling. We did briefly discuss the possibility after the last storm we weathered and, to my surprise, he was agreeable. However, it's possible the same agreeableness will not present itself again. Who knows if counseling will even work for us, but it sure can't hurt.

I often bemoan that I don't have much of a support system to speak of, but I finally confided in a couple of very dear friends this week and it was such a huge relief! They've given me more clarity (and levity!) than I had before.

[NGU]

Hello CalmHope.

(This reply ended up a little longer than I expected.)

Let me reassure you that, yes, a lot of us here can relate to the problems you are having. It's great that you've started getting support from friends. If none of them have experience regarding S.O.'s with a mental disability, I would be worth your while to take any advice from the group here (and/or the lessons), and add that for additional perspective.

It seems like you have a jump start on learning communication skills. I've found couple's therapy to be quite valuable for my/our own relationship, since my W has an easier time talking in front of a moderator. It took a few months of sessions before there was any type of improvement, and it was quite frustrating for a while. I hit the jackpot with our therapist... .the three of us worked out a deal where we can email her individually if any significant problems arise, and she has kept her promise not to bring up these "secret" communications. I've noticed that it helps her ask more focused questions during our sessions. BUT... .from my experience, many therapists won't do this and I can't imagine that a lot of partners would be cool with it.

I will strongly agree with you that the alcohol is not helping. Hopefully you can address this with him at some point down the road. I used to hit the bottle pretty hard, and I can tell you through experience that I was much less open to discussing it when I had booze in my system. <sarcasm> Yay, alcohol. </sarcasm>

I would love to hear thoughts from other members regarding your self-esteem issues. In my case, my W seemed to feed off of my apathy, although in your situation, there's no telling how me might react if you suddenly became more confident/aggressive in trying to improve his behaviors and your relationship. After a year of personal therapy and a year of couple's therapy, I'm still learning what highly specific demeanor I need to exhibit to keep her more stable. But hey, everyone's different.

Mocking your rebuttals? Not surprising.

Please "think out loud" here again if you need to. It might help organize your thoughts.

About children: I'm currently reading about how a BPD parent can effect them. I hope a therapist, or members here, can suggest reading material, if having children is something you're both considering sooner, rather than later. There are book reviews here. A lot of them.

I want to assure you that this can get easier. I hope you remain positive. It will help a lot. Read some of the success stories for motivation if you need it.

-NGU

[Cat Familiar]

WOW, Calmhope. I see so many similarities in our lives.   Welcome to bpdfamily and please, as you're doing, keep studying, read the lessons on the right side of the page and keep posting.

I had to laugh because everything on your list describes my husband to a "T" with the exception that we don't have purebred pets (other than my horses--which he's afraid of) and the rest of the crew are mutts of various species. Oh, the goats are purebred too, but he doesn't relate to them either.

One thing I should caution you on is trying to do something about the drinking--tread very carefully. I made a big mistake with my husband on this matter and I added to the well of shame he already has through begging, pleading, criticizing, using logic, crying, etc. and nothing I did worked. Fortunately he's been working on modifying his habit and isn't as out of control as he once was and I attribute that to going to a week-long psychological seminar called the Hoffmann Process. He only went there because a friend had tried it and my husband had been really upset about family dynamics between himself and his sisters--the drinking modification was an unexpected side benefit.

• He seems to alternate between holding me in very high regard and having next to zero regard for me.



• Before we met, he had many, many flings and unstable relationships over the course of his adult life.



• He requires a LOT of validation.



• He is extremely sensitive and emotionally reactive, in ways that can seem wildly extreme and out of proportion to the matter at hand.



• He abuses alcohol. He thinks alcohol helps him get his emotions under control, but from where I'm standing it seems his drinking only makes things much, much worse.

Some things that make me think it's narcissistic:

• He is far more financially successful than me and most of our friends, and he makes a show of his wealth.



• He typically insists on picking up the check when we are out with friends, despite their protests and obvious discomfort.



• He must have the most top-of-the-line products, the best seats, the finest dining experiences, etc. (Even when we struggle to pay the rent on our fabulous, pricey apartment.)



• He appears to have significantly more empathy for his purebred pets (and maybe a couple idolized friends/family) than for the majority of people (me included) or, for that matter, pets without pedigrees.

[/list]

[calmhope]

Thanks Cat Familiar and NGU. It is such a relief to know I'm not alone in these challenges and I'm feeling hopeful there's a chance things can get easier.

Please "think out loud" here again if you need to. It might help organize your thoughts.

I want to assure you that this can get easier. I hope you remain positive. It will help a lot. Read some of the success stories for motivation if you need it.

Thank you for your encouragement and positivity! I'll be sure to follow your suggestion to think out loud here again and again

One thing I should caution you on is trying to do something about the drinking--tread very carefully. I made a big mistake with my husband on this matter and I added to the well of shame he already has through begging, pleading, criticizing, using logic, crying, etc. and nothing I did worked. Fortunately he's been working on modifying his habit and isn't as out of control as he once was…

It's great to hear your husband's drinking is less out of control.

With my partner, I'm careful to avoid discussing his drinking for a few reasons:

• Early in our dating, he cautioned me against ever trying to come between him and the booze.



• His drinking is his responsibility, not mine. (I have my own problems to deal with  )



• I've always known he is so highly sensitive to perceived criticism that I can't even imagine how that conversation would go if I ever decided to bring it up!



• As I learn more about PDs, I am starting to believe the disorder is a big root cause of his drinking. And until the PD is under control, his periodic attempts to cut back on drinking seem to set him up for feeling more ashamed and devastated than he will ever admit.

He has received criticism from others about his drinking and about his volatility … and I imagine he may feel like he doesn't always have a whole lot of control over either of those things. (So of course he is extra sensitive about them.) He feels it's "just who I am" and says people should "love me or leave me."

I'm not certain, but I suspect he knows he has BPD. One calm hungover morning after some ugliness the previous night, he contritely said something along the lines of "maybe I'm borderline or something." (I've never shared with him that I suspect BPD. Unfortunately I changed the topic because I was scared of saying something that might set him off again.)

I'm working up to hopefully someday revisiting the topic. As hard as it is for me to constantly walk on eggshells, I can see that his daily life is even more of a struggle, and it would be such a life-changing thing for him to have some better coping skills and to know a little peace.

[EaglesJuju]

I recently started practicing SET communication. I find it really hard to do effectively—especially when he is lashing out at me nonstop—but I hope to get better at it with practice. I also, just tonight, stumbled across the concept of JADE (don't Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain), and I can see a place for that in my toolkit, too.

I am glad you started practicing SET. It really does help. 

Don't get discouraged.   It can take a bit of time to get to the point where it comes naturally.  Although it is like second nature to me, I still can JADE every once in a while.

I found the best way to cope when my pwBPD is lashing out at me, is to tell him that I will not talk to him when he is lashing out at me and will talk to him later when he is more calm.

If we can get unmired from our current terrible relations—and at this point it seems like a really big IF—I am hopeful he may be open to at least trying couples counseling. We did briefly discuss the possibility after the last storm we weathered and, to my surprise, he was agreeable. However, it's possible the same agreeableness will not present itself again. Who knows if counseling will even work for us, but it sure can't hurt.

You are right, counseling/therapy does not hurt. Since he was agreeable to counseling, are you going to bring up the topic again?

I often bemoan that I don't have much of a support system to speak of, but I finally confided in a couple of very dear friends this week and it was such a huge relief! They've given me more clarity (and levity!) than I had before.

That is great! Another person's perspective or support does help giving us clarity. 

[waverider]

Some things that make me think it's narcissistic:

• He is far more financially successful than me and most of our friends, and he makes a show of his wealth.



• He typically insists on picking up the check when we are out with friends, despite their protests and obvious discomfort.



• He must have the most top-of-the-line products, the best seats, the finest dining experiences, etc. (Even when we struggle to pay the rent on our fabulous, pricey apartment.)



• He appears to have significantly more empathy for his purebred pets (and maybe a couple idolized friends/family) than for the majority of people (me included) or, for that matter, pets without pedigrees.

A lot of these are borderline traits as well, most of the overt generosity is buying approval to self validate their own insecurities. Grand gestures must be highly visible. Often followed by anger if the "praise/approval" is not forthcoming.

Being seen to have the best of everything is a way of also proving they are successful. pwNPD often feel entitled to it as a birthright rather than proving they can achieve it. As a result some high functioning pwBPD can be workaholics as proving their status is important. Many pwNPD are not, as they often expect everything without feeling like they need to make the effort.

I have heard it said that some high functioning pwBPD are a bit like wannabee pwNPDs. They want to create the image of entitlement to have everything. It is the fear of not having it all that drives them. If they are not the best, they are the worst>>black and white thinking.

It is probably this reaction to their actions that shows the difference. pwNPD dont care much, they assume everyone thinks they are great. pwBPD are very sensitive to your reactions, they are afraid people will think they are not.

Either way many of the challanges of dealing with NPD or high functioning BPD are similar, mainly in the area of denial and willingness to accept there is anything less than perfect about them.

[NGU]

--Early in our dating, he cautioned me against ever trying to come between him and the booze.

--His drinking is his responsibility, not mine.

--As I learn more about PDs, I am starting to believe the disorder is a big root cause of his drinking.

--He has received criticism from others about his drinking and about his volatility…

--He feels it's "just who I am" and says people should "love me or leave me."

I'm going to do my own "thinking out loud" in this reply, focusing on booze. Sort of soapboxy and sort of stating the obvious.

He cautioned you about his drinking early on because he knows he drinks too much and doesn't want to give it up. I've read multiple times that BPD's swing toward more addictive personalities. So yeah, drinking is part of him. It's a great tranquilizer.

His sole responsibility? Not for long. There's a chance he'll drag you down with him sooner or later. (Harsh and pessimistic, but yeah.) That said, it's pretty obvious you shouldn't focus on that right now, since you have to deal with yourself and his borderline issue first.

The love-me-or-leave-me thing? What is that. Denial? Selfishness? I have no idea because my brain just exploded.

Look... .I'll gladly admit I know very little about BPD and how my "non" brain should handle my W... .but wow, I know booze. Practically every part of my life centered around it for 25 years.  Beer brewer, wine maker, bartender, mixologist. I've had fun nights of semi-intoxication, insanely stupid moments while hammered and glorious times of perfect sobriety while putting on events. I've led interventions and sat with alcoholics at AA. I've also had blackouts and seizures. I once drank for two straight months just to put off one single hangover.

If people can handle their liquor... .awesome. For those who can't, I just shrug my shoulders. I'm numb to it. In my opinion, there's only one person who can dry out a drunk... .it's the drunk. Sometimes they catch themselves early. Sometimes they have to hit rock bottom first. Who has two thumbs and can't see the writing on the wall? This guy.

Now that I'm officially done with booze, I can look back knowing I always thought it was fascinating, but worthless. I was right there in the middle of it, the whole time, knowing it was stupid. The social lubrication, the wasted money... .all of it.

I'll end with a tangent. Last week in CBT, we got into a discussion about the painful fact that some people really do need AA for years; even decades. A woman who's trying to quit drinking said, "I hate that people are sober for that long and still call themselves alcoholics. If you were fat and lost weight 20 years ago, you don't keep going up to people saying 'Hi, I'm fat.'"

An amusing way to look at such a loaded word.

[waverider]

I'll end with a tangent. Last week in CBT, we got into a discussion about the painful fact that some people really do need AA for years; even decades. A woman who's trying to quit drinking said, "I hate that people are sober for that long and still call themselves alcoholics. If you were fat and lost weight 20 years ago, you don't keep going up to people saying 'Hi, I'm fat.'"

An amusing way to look at such a loaded word.

Being an alcoholic is not a description of whether someone drinks or not. It is whether they have an inability to control their drinking, if they drink. Some "alcoholics" have never been exposed to, or have drunk, so their weakness to it has never surfaced nor been a problem. Active alcoholics will always look at managed alcoholics with a degree of envy as that is their goal. So it is understandable.

You are correct that in trying to intervene too much to "rescue" an alcoholic can be futile, they may even make you their excuse. You will also suffer more from it than otherwise. Leave them to it, don't enable or rescue from consequences, and provide support if it is requested is all you can do.

Protect and rescue your own side of the deal so you don't waste your life also on it.

Alcohol can numb some of the sensitives of a pwBPD, but they amplify conflict when it happens. Hence the importance of minimizing the occurrence of unnecessary conflict

[NGU]

Active alcoholics will always look at managed alcoholics with a degree of envy as that is their goal.

Yeah. I do a lot of thinking about that... .the different ways people use and react to the word. I will have to say, it's nice to be able to have a thought about booze without having the desire to pour it down my throat.

I don't go to AA anymore, but I want to go back to my favorite group and be a speaker. It's actually a bucket-list thing for me. I'll make sure to mention the time my W came home to find me passed out naked on the dog bed. They love the embarrassing stories.   

Thanks WaveRider. I like reading your thoughts.

[dmuheim]

Hello All,

My husband has been diagnosed with BPD and he does not know yet.

I can relate to your comments and it is nice to not feel like you are alone in this world.   

My husband of 25 years and I are seeing a Couples Counselor and it is helping.  We are four month in and I am seeing some changes.  I can say that setting my boundaries is a huge help for his anger outbursts.   The alcohol is minor and I just go with the flow, but he only drinks on Friday night with the guys and a bloody Mary Saturday morning.   

Do any of you deal with the isolation of family members?  He has pretty much pushed his whole family away from him with his sense of abandonment.  Does this change in time or just based on his mood?

[NGU]

Do any of you deal with the isolation of family members?  He has pretty much pushed his whole family away from him with his sense of abandonment.  Does this change in time or just based on his mood?

Is this something that's causing you concern, or are you just curious?

My W has cut ties with her brother, but then again, he's a demon. She has a love/hate relationship with her parents. A lot of it is based on her guilt that they're helping her financially.

As for my side of the family... .I don't know the term, but you know that phase teenagers go through were they think they know everything and push away from their parents? My sister did that. Amazingly, she's still that way, and she's 40. I also had an adopted sister. She bailed on the family when my parents didn't approve of the older man she was dating. They ran off together and cut all ties. It was only after my adopted sister had children of her own that she tried contacting my parents again. By then, it was too late.

[Cat Familiar]

My BPD husband wants to cut off ties with his sisters, who live on the other coast. He doesn't feel "a part of the family" and really he isn't, not in the way he hoped. His sisters have children and one will soon have a grandchild and they're busy with their lives. He is sort of an afterthought. And I can understand why he doesn't want to be in contact with one of them. She's a b* and is quite unpleasant. The other one tries to maintain a relationship with him, but like most pwBPD, it's never good enough; he never feels valued enough.

So his plan is to tell them he's going to "radio silence" for a year. I told him, when he asked, that it will appear very weird to them, especially when a grandchild is due later in the year, but I'd support whatever he chooses.

They hardly ever talk anyway and most phone calls originate from him so I don't understand why he just doesn't call them if he doesn't want to be in contact.

[calmhope]

Thanks for all the food for thought on booze, rescuing, and everything else. I'm so glad I finally started posting here and I'm already starting to feel a hair less overwhelmed by all the tumult and the vast amounts of BPD info to be absorbed.

You are right, counseling/therapy does not hurt. Since he was agreeable to counseling, are you going to bring up the topic again?

You bet! Maybe sooner than later. Something has got to start changing here or this relationship is likely doomed  :'( I have to choose my wording and timing carefully, but it's a top priority for me. The wording will have to strike the right balance between my concern for us, for me, and for him. I worry that he'll get defensive, put all the blame on me, and suggest that I alone am the only one here who needs counseling. I do have my issues, but our relationship could really benefit from both of us working it and on ourselves.

Either way many of the challanges of dealing with NPD or high functioning BPD are similar, mainly in the area of denial and willingness to accept there is anything less than perfect about them.

You hit the nail on the head, Waverider. I think I went a bit down a rabbit hole trying to hone in on an exact diagnosis, but I'm feeling now like I'm close enough—it's somewhere around BPD/NPD-ish. As you say, many of the challenges are the same.

I'm going to do my own "thinking out loud" in this reply, focusing on booze. Sort of soapboxy and sort of stating the obvious.

He cautioned you about his drinking early on because he knows he drinks too much and doesn't want to give it up. I've read multiple times that BPD's swing toward more addictive personalities. So yeah, drinking is part of him. It's a great tranquilizer.

His sole responsibility? Not for long. There's a chance he'll drag you down with him sooner or later. (Harsh and pessimistic, but yeah.) That said, it's pretty obvious you shouldn't focus on that right now, since you have to deal with yourself and his borderline issue first.

The love-me-or-leave-me thing? What is that. Denial? Selfishness? I have no idea because my brain just exploded.

Look... .I'll gladly admit I know very little about BPD and how my "non" brain should handle my W... .but wow, I know booze. Practically every part of my life centered around it for 25 years.  Beer brewer, wine maker, bartender, mixologist. I've had fun nights of semi-intoxication, insanely stupid moments while hammered and glorious times of perfect sobriety while putting on events. I've led interventions and sat with alcoholics at AA. I've also had blackouts and seizures. I once drank for two straight months just to put off one single hangover.

If people can handle their liquor... .awesome. For those who can't, I just shrug my shoulders. I'm numb to it. In my opinion, there's only one person who can dry out a drunk... .it's the drunk. Sometimes they catch themselves early. Sometimes they have to hit rock bottom first. Who has two thumbs and can't see the writing on the wall? This guy.

Now that I'm officially done with booze, I can look back knowing I always thought it was fascinating, but worthless. I was right there in the middle of it, the whole time, knowing it was stupid. The social lubrication, the wasted money... .all of it.

I appreciate all your thoughts on my partner's drinking. It's definitely a problem. He knows it and I know it. It's often on his mind to give the bottle a rest, mostly because of health concerns. Booze is a big part of his identity, so much so that he feels self-conscious socializing without a drink in his hand. (He has had a few moderation kicks lately, and he either avoids socializing or tells friends that he's drinking vodka when he's really drinking water. It's not it's peer pressure. Some of our friends don't drink and others  don't drink much.)

As for the love-me-or-leave-me attitude about his drinking, I think that speaks to his very entrenched identification as a drinker.  He would, however, like to drink less—for health reasons, possibly economical reasons, and maybe even because his tolerance is so high that he rarely even feels happy and loose. Will says he will not do 12-step programs, though.

I want to support him when he is trying to moderate, but it's tricky because he is so sensitive that I can easily say something that sets him off. I'd want to support him if he ever changed his mind and tried AA too.

You are correct that in trying to intervene too much to "rescue" an alcoholic can be futile, they may even make you their excuse. You will also suffer more from it than otherwise. Leave them to it, don't enable or rescue from consequences, and provide support if it is requested is all you can do.

Protect and rescue your own side of the deal so you don't waste your life also on it.

Alcohol can numb some of the sensitives of a pwBPD, but they amplify conflict when it happens. Hence the importance of minimizing the occurrence of unnecessary conflict

I recognize that I definitely have some codependent traits, and I really try to keep them in check. That's a big part of why I never say anything about his drinking. There may be ways I could talk to him that are helpful, but to be honest I haven't done that much work on myself yet around codependency.

Working on myself is part of my this deal too. I'm not saying I don't have issues (I do!), but I feel more desperate to understand him because, frankly, his obvious pain and frequent rages weigh so heavily on my heart and mind. They have a way of demanding more immediate attention, too.

About the numbing/tranquilizing effects of alcohol, I swear that doesn't apply to my partner. The more he drinks, the more he gets amped up. It's really odd. Me, I can be ready to nod off after one beer, but not him. Trust me when I tell you that inebriated, amped-up, belligerent, raging outbursts are no fun

Waverider, you have great insights. Thank you!

My husband has been diagnosed with BPD and he does not know yet.

I can relate to your comments and it is nice to not feel like you are alone in this world.   

My husband of 25 years and I are seeing a Couples Counselor and it is helping.  We are four month in and I am seeing some changes.  I can say that setting my boundaries is a huge help for his anger outbursts.   The alcohol is minor and I just go with the flow, but he only drinks on Friday night with the guys and a bloody Mary Saturday morning.   

Do any of you deal with the isolation of family members?  He has pretty much pushed his whole family away from him with his sense of abandonment.  Does this change in time or just based on his mood?

Welcome, dmuheim! I so agree with you that it's great to know we aren't alone in this world.

I'm glad to hear that counseling and setting boundaries is helpful for you.

My relationship also has some isolation going on. He has been estranged from most of his family for decades. I don't have a close relationship with my family and did spend several years estranged from them, but was back in contact by the time I met my partner. Also, I have a natural tendency to isolate myself from friends when I'm down or overwhelmed. As an incorrigible introvert, I have to make a really intentional effort to foster friendships. For my more outgoing counterpart, friends are easy come easy go.