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Author Topic: How to get them to trust you?  (Read 536 times)
survivalmode27
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« on: March 12, 2015, 09:36:49 AM »

My BPDh admitted last night that he is never going to trust me to speak to a member of the opposite sex. I said it has been 13 years I have been with you and never cheated... .why do you not trust me... .he said it can be 20 more years and I will never trust you talking to a member of the opposite sex.

I am of course angry at first, then go through all my education and tools, and know it is the BPD and even though I don't think it is fair to be treated this way, it must be even worse to not feel as if you can trust your own wife.

I want to talk to him about it, what approach do I take? Logically I would reassure him that I will be here for him and he is safe and secure with me. Then I would explain how his distrust makes me feel hurt and scared all the time. I am afraid to talk to people, afraid to even ask to go do anything because it causes such a fight. I can go out and be in social environments, it does not mean I will leave you.

... .but since they are not logical, I know none of that will work.

Any Advice?

Anything somebody has done here that has seemed to make a breakthrough?
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Wrongturn1
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« Reply #1 on: March 12, 2015, 10:04:52 AM »

I dunno... .when someone is suffering from BPD, I do not believe they are capable of trusting anyone, especially a romantic relationship partner.  In a relationship with a BPD partner, trust has less to do with the non's trustworthiness and more to do with the BPD's fear of abandonment and self-loathing.  As long as those conditions exist, there's not an environment conducive to trust, regardless of how good the non's behavior is.
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survivalmode27
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« Reply #2 on: March 12, 2015, 10:28:22 AM »

So maybe that is it, go into the conversation pointing out that... .I know it is very hard for you to trust me and there is nothing that I can say or do to make you trust. So with us knowing this... .lets talk about a way to handle things when you are having those feelings of distrust... .

I know that is way to logical as well. 

It is just so frustrating.  I just wish there was a way to make a breakthrough. I am not even to the point of trying to change him, just acknowledge what it is and agree on a way we can handle it.
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Mike-X
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« Reply #3 on: March 12, 2015, 10:30:49 AM »

What do you think is his core issue with trust? Do you think that it is something that you have done or that he believes that you have done?


What have you read about effective therapies for BPD, e.g., DBT?  Is your SO in therapy?
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Notwendy
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« Reply #4 on: March 12, 2015, 12:53:54 PM »

I think the only thing we can do about that is to be trustworthy, and own our own truth, so that if we are accused, we know in our hearts that we have done nothing to be ashamed or guilty of.

My H has gotten upset over the years over this kind of thing and it used to upset me when he was upset. He even got upset about old boyfriends that I had before we were dating. I told him that this can't be cheating if I didn't even know him yet, and still, he acted as if I somehow betrayed him.

For someone with BPD, feelings are facts to them. I have not cheated, but seeing a picture of an old boyfriend made him feel as if I did.

I used to inhibit what I did, so as not to trigger him. I would avoid talking to old friends if they were male. In general, I avoided talking to men in general, but that didn't change his fears or lack of trust. Being faithful and trustworthy has made an impact on my self esteem. I have not broken my marriage vows, and his fears/accusations do not change that. I felt very shamed by his investigation into old boyfriends- from high school and college (and I had nothing to be ashamed of- his imagination was that it was more than it was)  but I have no shame about  my behavior as his wife.

I recently decided that I don't have to adjust my life according to his fears. I know my boundaries. Over recent years, I have on rare occasion, run into some old friends who were male, people I grew up with, and they were with their wives and kids. My H has had rages over this, but that is his issue to deal with.  I know that I didn't give him reason for concern.
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survivalmode27
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« Reply #5 on: March 13, 2015, 07:13:13 AM »

We are in MC. And have been for about 6 months now.

I have never cheated on him. But I am very outgoing and social.  I help a couple of organizations in the community and I have friends of the opposite sex. I just think that our personalities are not good for one another. He needs somebody that is a homebody that depends on him to survive. A wife with no friends, family, career, or interests. Like his mother.  I am just complete opposite of that.  I need somebody who is trusting and pushes me to excel in my life.

I do still want him to love me and want to share love with him. And we have kids together that I would like to keep as a whole family. I am just frustrated.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #6 on: March 13, 2015, 08:15:12 AM »

I don't think it makes much difference whether you are social or a homebody as their mistrust seems to be internal to me. I did alter my life to suit him ( and got depressed as a result). I thought I could make him happy. I let him talk me out of going to school reunions ( not knowing why, there was always a good reason) but the real reason was that I might run into an old flame. I gave up going places with people because it made him uncomfortable.

He didn't help with the kids much. Everywhere I went, the kids were with me. I did not even know hardly any men. Still, he managed to get triggered by: a rock singer I admired, an attractive actor on TV. A picture of a crush he saw in a yearbook. I had described the person as I remembered them- when I was a teen. When he saw the picture- it wasn't as I had described ( I hadn't seen that picture or that person in years- so naturally I had forgotten what he looked like exactly) and ... .then my H went off on a rant accusing me of lying to him about what the guy looked like.

I had no idea about BPD at the time. I wanted my H to be happy with me. I was not dishonest about the fact that I had had other relationships before we met, and so did he. Still, his reaction to digging up info about old boyfriends left me feeling as if he thought I was some kind of slut. His imagination was worse than reality.

So, the bottom line- I don't know if it would have made any difference if I had male friends or not. IMHO ,live your life and trust yourself. As long as you know the truth, then that is the most important thing.
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survivalmode27
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« Reply #7 on: March 13, 2015, 12:32:10 PM »

Notwendy- sounds like we are married to the same man.  Your post are the same as my situations. It is so exhausting to try to be the person you have to be for them to love you.

I agree. I think that you have to eventually say I just going to do what I think is right and you can be mad or not be mad. I am not reacting to your accusations. The problem for me is, when I cut off feeling to that, I am afraid I will cut off feeling to him in general.

I wish I was ten years younger and could make different decisions.

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Notwendy
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« Reply #8 on: March 13, 2015, 01:56:11 PM »

It took me a long time to understand my own parents and how I was raised, and where that led me into relationships. To be honest, considering how I grew up, I think I did pretty well. If I were years younger, I think I would have made similar choices. This is one reason I wanted to work on myself, so that I could become more emotionally together, in or out of a r/s.

I have to admit to feeling pretty disconnected. I don't know how intimate a r/s we are capable of having. I know that I have tried, all I can, to connect with him, to get around that place in his mind that turns things around and twists them, but I can't. It's a part of him. I have loved him with all my heart, and also been disconnected and it doesn't seem to change a whole lot as he imagines me as the one who is rejecting him no matter what.

It all came down to me, and the way I want to act and treat people. I can be caring, appreciative, honest, available, and in general a good person whether he chooses to see this or not. I can love him as much as I can, but I also can't connect with him. We have a peaceful ,cordial, cooperative r/s and we can enjoy things like watching a show together or discuss non personal things like the news. Someone looking at us would not guess. I would not have guessed.

I also don't want anyone else. If I couldn't see this for so long, I know I would not see it with anyone else. Some creep might have come along and be mister romantic, and I would have been naive enought to fall for it. For the moment, I am trying  very hard to accept the good parts, and try to have a peaceful co-existence instead of the emotional longing and what seems futile attempts to reach him on a a deeper level. We are in marital T and there has been some progress.

The general mistrust of me is part of a larger picture. My H doesn't trust anyone. He takes the stand that someone always wants something from him, is going to take advantage of him, or betray him.
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survivalmode27
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« Reply #9 on: March 17, 2015, 11:34:05 AM »

So we had a conversation about this last night. He went from 0-10 in seconds, like he was waiting for an attacker. I told him that if I was a stranger and heard the stories he told about his wife I would tell him to leave her she was obviously cheating and just not a good wife... .I told him that he takes 1 bit of truth and then takes it so far out of context and creates a whole other story around it to where I don't even recognize it any longer. since I am the person in those stories I know they are nothing close to what he is creating them to be.

He said that is how his mind works and if I know this about him, then I should not do things that I know will upset him if I cared about him. I told him that I have been with him for 13 years and have not cheated on him yet, nor do I want to... .but I will talk to people of the opposite sex.  He walked away and cooled down. then came back and told me he loved me. And was fragile about it, almost exposed.

I know that I can never change him, due to his fear of me leaving, his mind will always go there. But maybe if we can talk about it and he can admit it that his mind goes extreme then we can address it when he gets those feelings.  Maybe I am just being hopeful, but going to bring it up in T this week and see if we can get anywhere.
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Pou
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« Reply #10 on: March 17, 2015, 11:53:15 AM »

It is not about him not trusting you.  It is about him not being able to trust, period.  You also have to ask, if someone is so untrusting, can you trust him?
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