I dont known what to do anymore

[oneloveonelife]

I dont know where to turn or whk to talk to . I have been seeing this girl for about 5months , we were like close friends originally and then it ended up becoming more that that , i am quite emotionally intense anyway and she had BPD . She has been staying at mine but this morning she wanted me to get some tobacco for her , i was trying to be playful by jumping on her and smiling at her giving her a hug but i ended up pissing her off something cronic . It spiralled out of control next thing i knew she was throing stuff around my house  nearly hit me with a bottle and at one point she pulled a knife on me. I then retrained her and go her to start packing her things , stuff was thrown around a few more times and i then went to talk to the police . She threatened tonput in a rape charge on me (having had sex the night before) .she has left now(today) and i don't know what to think. I feel like i love /loved her but in.nit sure whether in just accepting the illness as an excuse for such abusive behaviour . I just want to hug her til the pain goes away but i know that i cant do that . I want her to be happy , and unwanted us to be happy together . I'm 24 and have never felt love like what we had . She was suicidal before we were together and i have seen vast improvements in the time we were together but then when this happens its like things are worse than ever

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi oneloveonelife, 

Welcome.  You have come to the right place for support.

I am sorry that you are going through this. I understand how confusing, painful, and hurtful abusive behavior can be.     Are you okay from the altercation?

I understand how you do not know what to think. The behavior of a person with BPD (pwBPD) can dramatically change. The core of BPD is emotional dysregulation. PwBPD have a very hard time controlling/regulating negative emotions/feelings, such as anger, sadness, and shame.  Unfortunately, a pwBPD can get triggered and project these feelings outwards. Coping with a pwBPD's dysregulation can make you feel as if you are on a roller coaster of emotions.

I have experienced a couple of occasions where my bf raged and displayed abusive behavior. I understand how hard it is to cope with.     Although it is most likely that many of the abusive behaviors are a result of BPD, abuse violates boundaries and should be taken seriously. Is this the first time that something like this happened?

I understand how you want to hug your pwBPD until the pain goes away. I still feel like that sometimes, but I learned the best way to help a pwBPD is to help yourself first. The motto on the staying board is, "before you can make anything better, you must stop making it worse."  The motto has really resonated with me and using the tools provided on this site has improved my relationship.  Do you want to still continue your relationship?

[Rockylove]

I'm sorry to hear that you had a rough time.  You said that your girlfriend has BPD~~does that mean she's been diagnosed?  Is she in therapy and on medication?  Best advise I can give you is to read the lessons and practice, practice, practice.  From my experience, BPD's emotions make for an interesting roller coaster ride.  It's been my choice to hold on tight and enjoy the ride!

[oneloveonelife]

Thanks to both of you for your advice and support . She is waiting on a diagnosis but fits every trait of BPD and this is the second time it has got this out of hand . As she has had not diagnosis result back yet she has had no meds or therapy which is one of the most frustrating parts about the situation. She has gone back to her hometown now but she has been calling me blaming me for it all . I know she didn't want to leave n i didn't want her to either but when its gone that far it just made sense ... I defnitely need to be focused on the positives if there is any chance of us surviving this patch. And to answer your question , yes i do believe i want to continue in this relationship as i honestly believe i love her and i know she still loves me... It takes two people to argue but only one to end it . Like a game of tennis the argument needs two people for it to continue ... I dont know whether its just wishful thinking or if im being realistic but surely if we get the right help and support we have a chance of happiness together? Just because she had BPD right now doesn't mean that its not something she can overcome? I refuse to believe we are a statistic .  We were ment to get the keys for her room (she was moving here to be with me) i have a half a mind to get it all in line so we have our own space , like the explosive arguments would be more easily avoided. Do the meds and therapy really help? I know shes not diagnosed yet but every trait fits . Once again thanks for the support , in so glad i found this website . Much love

[EaglesJuju]

It takes two people to argue but only one to end it . Like a game of tennis the argument needs two people for it to continue ...

There are things we can do to stop arguments. Communication techniques have helped me to stop and assuage many arguments with my bf.  Before I learned communication techniques, I typically ended up arguing with my bf. My actions/behavior just added more fuel to the fire.  Our communication has really come a long way. Here is an article to help get you started.

Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

I dont know whether its just wishful thinking or if im being realistic but surely if we get the right help and support we have a chance of happiness together?

I understand how you could feel doubtful, but there is always a chance of happiness. Any relationship, including ones with non-disordered people, requires work.    Fortunately, there are many ways we can start improving our relationships with our pwBPD.  The tools that are available to us, not only work with our relationships with our pwBPD, but on other people in our lives.  It truly is a win-win situation.

There is a greater probability for happiness if you both do get the right help and support. It is going to take some effort on her part to overcome many of her issues. As I mentioned before, the best thing that you can do is take the time to work on yourself. Improving our relationships with our pwBPD does require change on our part.  From what I realized, taking the time to work on ourselves and change benefits both us and our pwBPD. 

Just because she had BPD right now doesn't mean that its not something she can overcome? I refuse to believe we are a statistic . :)o the meds and therapy really help? I know shes not diagnosed yet but every trait fits .

There is not a cure for a personality disorder, but maladaptive behaviors can be "unlearned" and replaced with healthier behavior. Undoing years of learned behavior does take time and a lot of commitment.  Therapy does help with this. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is shown to be very effective with BPD patients.

Medicine does help with some of the symptoms such as, depression and anxiety.

Therapy/medication has helped my bf. He has made significant improvements while in therapy.