Hopeless in love with a girl with BPD and in need of help

[Jackiec]

Hi everybody,

I am 33 years old and I am from Chinese origin. I am from the Netherlands. I am working in an IT department of a carpet tile manufacturing company. In July 2013, I met a girl through online-dating site. She was then 24 and I was 32. That summer was great, even better than great. We were very happy then. I almost immediately fell in love with her even thou she told me that she has BPD at that time. My understanding of BPD was not much more than what I considered as general knowledge with the general public. The symptoms and the past she told me did not scared me away from her and it still does not. In fact, my love for her as the person that she is has not waver a bit.

In December 2013, we had our first serious and also our first explosive BPD encounter. The tension was built up during the whole day. We were having a long weekend with a couple of my friends and throughout the day, she was hanging a lot around my best friend while ignoring me. In the evening, I was so upset with her that we all end up in huge argument where she tried to harm me and harm herself with a knife. We calmed her down and we spoke a lot that night about how we all felt and apologized about our behaviour. I do not know if I should say that we were lucky or not, but nobody was hurt that night. We did not spoke a lot about that event afterwards.

At the end of January 2014, we came across the second BPD episode. She was finally done with her minor for her study and we spent the whole day packing and getting ready to move back to her dad’s house. It was all good and well that day, until we were ready and I was planning to drove her back. She did not tell me about that she was upset about moving back. Instead, she wants my best friend to come over and spent the night there with us (even that was not clear to both my friend and I, because she said she wants me to go home and my friend to come over in the first place). My friend did not want to come over because he felt uncomfortable to come over and he did not felt it was his place to intervene. That night she harmed herself with a razor blade, even thou it was superficial. My heart bled that night quite a bit. She also took some sleeping pills which made her felt asleep. By then it was 3 o’clock in the morning. I phoned my best friend and deliberated about the situation, because I did not want to leave her like that, but staying was also not the option, because she would be very upset if she woke up and find me there. After long deliberation back and forth, I went into her room, found the razor blade, throw that away and packed the rest of her stuff into my car and drove back to my house. During that ride, I almost killed myself on the road almost a few times because of sleep deprivation. The next day, she went back to home

During the time between February and June, I was caring for her daily life while being busy with my own job as well. While that was hard on me, I did not mind about the time that I have to take care for her. What I did mind was that she wanted to be depended on me during the workweek and fled once the weekend arrived. Where she fled to was to my best friend and she did not want me to know about it. She had asked my best friend to promise her not to tell me about her being at his house. I was quite unhappy during that time and I have tried to find a solution about this with her. She tried to pick up her phycology session again, but she did not want me to be there with her, but every time she wanted my best friend with her attending those sessions, which made me felt like crap, unappreciated and left out.

The summer went quite rough for me as I could not spent too much time with her and to be honest, she was almost never home. I was in the middle of a huge project and had only few moments to spend with her. Then school started again at September 2015

She had to find an internship for her study. Guess what, near my best friend’s place. She could not afford to rent a room. It was not efficient or financially doable for her to stay at her dad’s place, while she had to go to her internship every day. I want and can financially support her, but I do not want to make her dependent on me or makes her feels powerless. Now she is at my best friends’ place for 6 months now. She does pay certain amount of rent and there is nothing hinky between them. Of that I am 99% sure of, but the fact that she is staying with him, makes me crazy.

All this is not the biggest problem, the problem is that I do not feel appreciated, or of any importance to her. I feel alone. We do not see each other much due to the distance and our daily occupation. Nowadays, I feel like she is avoiding me. She blocks me from time to time on WhatsApp. We do not spend much time if any time during the weekends. I feel like an imbecile to her. I have tried to have a conversation with her about what we are now in this relationship before she moved there. She does love me, she said to me, but I am not getting the recognition of her as her boyfriend, while she had claimed every time to be my girlfriend with the people I know. When I talk about our relationship, she always says that, she does not know what to do, she does not know if she can loves me enough, that I have to do what makes me feel good. I do not know what to do, because I love her for who she is, with and without her borderline condition (Sorry, I do not see it as a decease).

It is getting more and more difficult to be with her together. The arguing, my frustration, the misunderstanding, the distance at the moment, it is very hard to live like that day in day out without her or to talk to her sometimes. My day starts and ends thinking about her. I want to be with her, but somehow I do not know how to communicate to her, to validate her emotions, to getting through her. I feel that when I try to talk to her, she is receiving things differently than what I meant or say. I want to be able to communicate to her and to earn back her trust. I want to be around her. Be there for her. I do not know how to approach it anymore and I really need your support and advice how to deal with it.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[lbjnltx]

Hello JackieC,

Welcome to the site.

We are here to help you better understand your girlfriend and how this disorder can affect her and your relationship with her.

Long distance relationships are hard and even  harder with someone who is suffering with BPD.  Our words can become something other than what we want them to be over the phone or through texting and typing on a screen.  We have many lessons and tools regarding communicating with others as well as learning to practice self care.  This is a good place to learn and get the support you will need to move from feeling alone to feeling empowered to make choices for yourself regarding your relationship.

The Staying Board members will help guide you and support you. The Lessons and other very helpful information can be found on the side bar on that board.

Is your girlfriend continuing to see her psychologist? 

How long has it been since you were last able to spend time together?

lbj

[Turkish]

Hello JackieC,

I'd also like to welcome you here, I'm glad that you are reaching out for support!

The Lessons that lbjnltx are a good place to start to understand BPD, and Lesson 3 covers the valdation and communication tools which can help to reduce conflict.

You're struggling with how to engage her in communication, JackieC. Validation can go a long way, but so can understanding how she might view the world. The following discussion, hosted by a member who is recovered from BPD, may give you some helpful insight into understanding how she may feel:

BPD Behaviors: How it feels to have BPD

I hope to hear more how best we can support you.



Turkish

[Jackiec]

Thank you all for your reply. I will be trying to read through all the material you posted here between my work, gym and the lack of good night rest.

[Turkish]

Thank you all for your reply. I will be trying to read through all the material you posted here between my work, gym and the lack of good night rest.

Self-care is important, and sometimes it can be easy to forget while in stressful situations. Read and post on the staying board as best you can and feel comfortable.

[Jackiec]

I am trying, but all day I can only think of her. The day starts and ends with thinking of her. I try to focus on my job... .since bills still need to be paid.  Although, on that department, even due to the lack of sleep, has not affected my work too much yet. Maybe it takes me more time to get things done. Within me, I get more annoyed with my colleagues than I already do. Although, I am not yelling or criticising them with no boundaries (yet).

I do try to keep up with my work out in the gym as much as possible, because that is the only way to get my head stop turning. At the moment I am using sleeping pills to get some sleep, but that is not too helpful. I do not feel recharged after sleeping with sleeping pills.

Furthermore, I am reading a lot about BPD. Just finished reading the book "the Buddha and the borderline" by Kiera van Gelder.

Halfway through"Overcoming BPD" by Valerie Port. Started reading the lessons here on the forum and ordered the books "stop walking on eggshells" and "BPD demystified" as recommended on this board.

[lbjnltx]

Hi again JackieC

You are working very hard to learn about the disorder so you can maybe figure out how to help your gfriend, communicate in a way that benefits the relationship.  Those are good things.

Turkish mentions taking care of self. 

It is important to have a balanced life.  To take care of self so that you can be there to help others.  Please try to take some down time... .give yourself a break daily from the world of learning about BPD and thinking of your gfriend.  It will help you to rest your mind from it and have a healthier perspective when you return to study and practice the skills from this site.

lbj

[bobcat2014]

Servus Jackie,

Welcome. Lots of good folks here... .that understand.

BPD relationships are complex and exhausting. You need to understand the mechanics of this disorder if you are to remain in the relationship with your sanity.

As others have pointed out, read, learn and apply the communication tools. They work and make communication possible.

[Jackiec]

I had another argument with my girlfriend over the phone last night. She was upset that I am sharing the books that I mentioned earlier in this topic on a book review app. She think that I am trying to get her attention in a negative way and that I am placing myself as a victim. She said that she felt like a sex object by how I reviewed the book I read. I mentioned in my review that the reason why I started reading the book because the most important person in my life is having BPD.

My first questions about what I have wrote so far in this post:

is it wrong what I did, reviewing the book?

Was it wrong of me to say why I started reading the book? Or how I phrased it?

The positive thing is that during the whole conversation, that I didn't got mad. I didn't got too much into defense mode. I have tried to stay calm even though my voice and body was shaking from the pain she was causing and the accusation she throwed at me. I have tried to validate her feeling from the first moment of our conversation. That I felt that she was upset and that she felt hurt about those books and the review. That I did not know that my action with those books would caused her pain. That although I did what I did, in no way was my intention to cause her pain or stress. She asked me why I had put more books about borderline in my reading list. I said that is what the app is for. That I am trying to find help and to improve our communication. That I would be able to validate her feelings and for us to get into better terms again. And in no way had I intended to harm her feelings.

Questions about the second part:

What part of what I wrote above is validation?

What did I do correct and what did I do wrong?

How could I had done better?

She requested me to remove the books I am currently reading from the app. That I would remove my review and stop posting these books on the app. I had offered to delete my account, because I didn't want to get into temptation to review another book about borderline. And because I cannot do with the app what was designed to do. I felt during the conversation that there will be always a next book she could feel upset about.

Question here:

I did removed the books and review last night. Should I had allowed her to dictate this on me?

Was what she asked of me reasonable?

Is it what I felt wrong of me?

should I have stand my ground?


At the end of our conversation she made comment about our communication with each other. She says that it had improved a bit. She said that she is stressed out because of her upcoming exams and because what had happened over the past months. It had been too much for her and that she felt stressed out of everything. That she is trying her best to focus on school and on herself at the moment. That communication with me next to everything she is dealing with is too stressful for her.

What are your opinion?

[Turkish]

What you wrote sounds like you were indeed trying to validate her, but seeing your book reviews probably invalidated her, and her shame may have been triggered. Were you posting anonymous reviews under a pen name, or as your real self?

It does sound like she's going through a lot right now. pwBPD have difficulty managing their emotions, and even the "little things" can trigger dysregulation. JADEing is a common trap we can all fall into, with anyone really. Take a look at the following discussion. Can you perhaps identify where you might have been doing this, recently, or before you came here?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=205038.0

[Jackiec]

Hi Turkish,

I could not post it anonymously. At least, haven't found the option for it yet. It is indeed her shame that triggered and it is an app connected by fb. And no, it is not allowed to post anything publically on that part of social media. If that was so, I would not have wrote the review. It is only on that app. That wasn't the point of course. My review and list of books triggered her shame and hurt of having BPD.

I did do JADEing a lot when I just met her. Like the terms, "I understand her"or choose to stand on my ground, because I was too upset with her behaviour. And yes, it was not helpful at all, but what did i know then. I was the most social of my group of friends and was used to be the group therapist.  I have tried to change that for the past half of year and it has lessened a lot. I tell her at such moment when i would say that i understand her, instead, i would say,

"I can imagine that your are feeling like this, because I felt this too (when I experienced then and there,)  but not in the extent that you are feeling now. I don't think I would know how, because I would totally be able to know how you feel exactly or be able to stand in your shoes when you are upset and felt misunderstood."

[Turkish]

What you say sounds validating on the surface (maybe some other Stayers could offer an opinion here), but a less triggering way of stating the same thing is to use the 3rd person voice. Using too many "I" statements may result in her hearing you talk about yourself. That is entirely valid to you, but she views things differently.

"It's frustrating when we feel that others don't understand and we feel misunderstood... ."

It's interesting that you said you were the group therapist. Do you feel like that role helps you?

[Jackiec]

I am a worrier, a fixer and practical person. I will do everything in my power to help the people around me. When I say that I am the therapist of the group. I am talking about having a quite reasonable and logical discussion with the people who are having problems and try to figure out how to solve the problem together. That means also being able to have your own opinion and saying the ugly truth to the person you are helping

But dealing with a person who is having BPD is different, there is not such as being logical. I think it only works counterproductive, because in such relationship, you cannot go logically and you cannot try to solve the problem as you think you see it, because the person across you don't see it like you or most of the people do and is emotionally in distress. You have to unlearn what you know how to deal with situations you were in, in the past.

I believe that I need to learn how to deal with this in a different way then that I used to. Most of the time, we as nones have the problem with validating people's emotion, because we don't normally do it consciously when we do it. When dealing with people with BPD, I think you need to be very conscious what you are doing at that moment and try to deal with the distress at hand. And it doesn't help when that person is someone you love as in my case.

I think that because of my personality and being the stubborn person who I am and who does not believe in written faith and all. I will be able to comes out of this little dark place call my personal hell. I will eventually be able to support in helping her dealing with her stress and her emotions.