Have I become an enabler by not saying anything?

[itgirl]

Hi all

I have not been posting often as things are going well.  I still lurk everyday so that I dont step in my old patterns of making this worse!  I have to say keeping quiet by not JADEing and carrying on with my own life in time of stress is working great to far.

I do have a problem that I would like to seek advice on.  My pwBPDgf does suffer from Bulimia.  When she dysregulates and start the push pull cycle she drops alot of weight.  Off course way too much so that her dad cried when he saw her over Christmas.  We were broken up and she said she couldnt eat.  We got back together in January.  (She says back together but I know from past experience she would be back and i just had to carry on with life.  This is the push/pull which she is a master of). 

My issue is that the Bulimia was always hidden to me till about 2 years ago.  She confessed and I didnt know anything about this and she proclaimed she is not doing it anymore.  She binge eat when I am not around.  Recently like the last month she is VERY stressed at work and every healthy meal I prepare EVERYNIGHT gets spoiled by her quickly stopping to get some extra stuff for the salad.  When she comes home its junk food like biscuits and chocalates.  I still cook the healthy food and eat it myself.  By that time she is too full to eat the healthy food.  Then off to the bathroom she goes.

She is 35 years old in May.  I think she has been doing this for over 15 years.  I dont know what to do.  I have been turning a blind eye in the past as it was maybe what i could tell once a week or so.

Now she is doing it every night.  And not hiding it anymore.  She even did it at my parents house while there were other guests.  She was in the bathroom for a long time and people kept on asking me if something is wrong.  Yesterday again we have dinner with my father and its not junk food but pasta.  She goes and throws it up.

Have I become an enabler by not saying anything?  Does anyone else have any advice on how to proceed?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

If I had any advice, it would be for you to seek professional help for how to deal with this. It's one of those things that is bigger than you or her- in terms of just being able to stop it. I knew someone in college who did this, not  a romantic partner, but a friend that I cared about, and no amount of my talking to her would help, although I did say something to her because I didn't think it was right to pretend I didn't know. Still, I think she had some shame and denial about it so she kept saying she was fine.

I think it is good that you are concerned about not enabling this, but it is a tough thing for her, and you to deal with, and IMHO, I would consult a professional about this because this is something that requires therapy/medical care.

[takingandsending]

Hi itgirl!

So nice to hear from you and how you are doing so much better in so many ways! 

And I am so sorry to hear about your girlfriends bulimia. As I recall, your gf is in therapy, yes? If she has a T or P, I would send a note to them and express your concern. She is feeling deep shame and self hatred. It must be so tough for you to witness this. How are you dealing with your own feelings? What sorts of things come up for you when you are at your parents and are on the spot to answer if she is okay when she's in the bathroom so long?

Was your gf in hospital when you broke up? If so, did the doctors working with her develop a treatment plan? Is there a way that you can enlist their help? As far as co-dependency, not knowing what to do is not co-dependency, but it sounds like there is some shame and guilt this is bringing up for you, and that is typical of us co-dependents. You need a support system for yourself here. Some things are too big to handle on our own. I really urge you to consider finding a support group for yourself. I will ask my NAMI support group for some advice, as I believe a few of the people have children or SO with anorexia issues.

[takingandsending]

Hey itgirl.

Here are some links that a friend of mine at NAMI passed along. Take a look into these and see if there is some help for you and your gf. I hope she can work this out and that you can help her, especially since she's being so nice to you now!

F.E.A.S.T.(Families Empowered& Supporting Treatments of Eating Disorders)  www.feast-ed.org

Maudsley Parents    www.mausdleyparents     I know it says parents, but the information is great

National Eating Disorders Association  www.nationaleatingdisorders.org

[maxsterling]

I think this is one of these issues where the definition of "enabler" doesn't apply.  The reality here is - you aren't responsible for fixing her.  This is a HUGE issue, and do your best to not burden yourself with whether you are doing the right or wrong thing.  It's her issue, and no matter what you say or do, your actions cannot make it worse or better. 

It's no different than a drug addiction.  The addict is going to use if they want to no matter what you say or do.  Your role is to stay out of the way and not get sucked into the addict's chaos.  It's not like she will seek help if you say something.  And its not like the only reason she continues is because you are not saying anything. 

Try to not focus on whether or not you are enabling, and instead simply express your concern and support, and leave it at that. 

[Cat Familiar]

I had an eating disorder when I was younger and I think I would have felt even more shame if it were addressed by my SO. Perhaps there's a way you can get around discussing it directly--if you mention that you really feel sad when she doesn't have any appetite to share the meals you prepare.

Looking back on when I used to binge, there was a franticness to it and I think it was an outlet for my anxiety. I'd promise myself that I wouldn't do it again, but round and round I'd go, and I'd feel I couldn't keep a promise to myself.

Purging was a way of ridding myself of the sins of overeating and having a fresh start.

Fortunately this wasn't a habit that I did too often, but still, there was tremendous shame when I did. I felt like I couldn't control myself (binging) and then I had to control myself (purging).

I got over it and haven't done that in many years, nor would I ever repeat it--unless I ate something that turned out to be poisoned.

[virginiawoolf]

I have some experience here. I can understand how difficult it must be for you to watch this happening. But this is something best dealt with in a specialized professional context. Please remember that these behaviors are linked, for her, to a tremendous amount of shame. They stem from (and carry with them) a great deal of suffering. Please remember that she is NOT engaging in eating disordered behavior to be "difficult" or to provoke/upset/manipulate others. The disorder is not only bigger than you -- it is bigger than her.

IMHO it would be most helpful for you to be gently supportive with her about this issue -- while not being intrusive or invading her privacy -- which could just cause her to feel alienation, when what she needs is love and support. You can do this by expressing your love and concern, and encouraging her to work with her therapist for help. Eating disorders are very tricky, and some therapists are much better at working with EDO patients than others. Sometimes, an in-patient specialty facility is really needed. If her present therapist is not helping her adequately, perhaps you can help her to seek help elsewhere.

[Grey Kitty]

Q: Are you enabling by not saying anything.

No, you aren't enabling her behavior.

Better Q: Is there anything good you can do besides watching what she does (not saying anything) and preparing a healthy meal for yourself which you offer to share with her?

I dunno. I've got no experience with that.

My wife has a non-Bulimic weight/overeating problem. I know that efforts on my part to track what she eats / caution her / encourage her to track her weight weren't helping. My best answer so far was to realize that it wasn't my problem, and let go of it.

Various posters have suggested that your gf will do best with some kind of professional help for this. I agree--you probably aren't the best person to help her cope with this... .and if you had the skills and training, you would know that you couldn't/shouldn't be doing this with your romantic partner anyway! So look for external support--both for yourself (watching this has to be hard!) and for her.

My issue is that the Bulimia was always hidden to me till about 2 years ago.  She confessed and I didnt know anything about this and she proclaimed she is not doing it anymore.

When she confessed about it to you, did she ask for any kind of help or support at the time?

[itgirl]

Hi,

Apologies for only replying now.  I have read your comments but she was with me the whole weekend so I couldn't comment.

@takingandsending - Thank you for the links to the resources.  I will be learning a lot today while she is at work so I have some privacy.

She is unfortunately not in therapy.  In her opinion there is nothing wrong with her as everyone else is too blame.  She is stressed at work and work very long hours.  So she says to compensate for feeling crap she eats the sweets and binge.  My problem of late is she says she only does it after drinking alcohol.  So here is the dilemma.  I will drink two beers or maybe two glasses of wine with dinner.  She says she never drank and now after the alcohol she binges.  But the truth is that she bought the sweets and chips on her way back from work.  Before she had a drop of alcohol.  So you guessed it.   I AM TOO BLAME. 

I have decided this weekend that I wont drink anything at dinner.  Not because I want to please her but because I want her to realize that it is not me.  I hope this is a good strategy.  I mean it couldn't hurt me to not drink alcohol for a while.

@maxsterling  -  yes thank you for confirming that I am not enabling.  The problem is that if she was an alcoholic and when she drank she became ugly to me then yes.  I could set a boundary that I wont be around her when drinking.  But with a eating disorder it doesn't affect me at all.  Its all her.  So I cant set no boundary. 

Cat Familiar  -   thank you for being brave and sharing your story.  I haven't addressed the issue with her yet directly.  I think she is very ashamed of it.  And because she loves me and trusts me, she can now do it without hiding it which I suppose is a silver lining?

@virginiawoolf  -  I wish I could get her into therapy.  She will never.  There is nothing wrong with her its the other people. 

@Gray Kitty  -  Where I get frustrated is that she always says we must be healthy.  (she is in the fitness industry and have a perfect body).  So I buy only healthy food.  When she gets home and its too healthy then she craps on me for not buying carbs and whatnot.  But just that morning she was telling me to buy healthy food!  Its very frustrating and I always lose.  Then I prepare ALL meals during the week for us.  Morning, snack, lunch and dinner.  That is hard work and planning.  I don't mind eating the healthy food alone but its expensive and just not appreciated. 

She didn't ask me for help two years ago.  She put a book on the coffee table about bulimia.  I thought it was her way of telling me gently.  But I didn't do anything or say anything.  Maybe I should have.  That was probably a cry for help.

Sorry for the rant.  I actually just wanted to know if I am enabling her by not saying anything.  I will learn more about the disorder so I can understand it.  Just like I am learning about BPD.

[Grey Kitty]

I suggest you re-think your planning and cooking meals that you share with her, or at least the reason.

You are correct--she can and will find a way to blame you and make you 'wrong' no matter what you do. It is the nature of BPD--if she is feeling terrible and upset about food, and she cannot face what is inside her that brings up those feelings... .her coping mechanism is to project it on you, and then blame you for it.

You cannot fix HER with the food you buy, cook, and eat, and you won't get approval from her that way.

... .so what can you do?

You can buy, cook, and eat food that you like, that fits your appetite and your desire to feed your body with healthy nourishing food. Spending the amount of time that you want to spend cooking. Do it for yourself, and make it available to her as feels right for you.

And remember that what she does is all about her, and try not to take it personally. It is hard to watch somebody you love hurting themself. 

[itgirl]

Thanks Grey.  Last night I made mashed potatoes with a whole lot of double thick cream and it was lovely.   itgirl 1  BPD 0