When SET backfires

[Grey Kitty]

the shame was probably there all along.



I haven't missed that the pwBPD in our lives can almost do no wrong with their disordered, outrageous, and intolerable behaviour... .but that we get to be criticised for our (relatively) minor blunders when faced with extreme stress and undermining, criticism, and personal attacks in the relationship.  

That's true. What you are describing is projection. The pwBPD feels ashamed of many things, and doesn't have the capacity to deal with that feeling. So rather than acknowledge the feeling they project all the things that they are ashamed of in themselves onto you and attack you for it.

It is one coping mechanism. If you let them use it, they will continue. Even if you disengage, they may continue... .however that is the best chance for changing it. Projecting on somebody who doesn't fight back is less satisfying, and they may give up on it eventually.

If they do, expect to see the self-hatred and shame expressed more clearly next. That is what my wife did.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

I was also picking up on the dark undertones of your communication. I understand perfectly how you could feel that way... .but potentially you may be undermining your relationship... .to a degree. The awareness that you have "instilled" shame in him is interesting... .the shame was probably there all along.

I haven't missed that the pwBPD in our lives can almost do no wrong with their disordered, outrageous, and intolerable behaviour... .but that we get to be criticised for our (relatively) minor blunders when faced with extreme stress and undermining, criticism, and personal attacks in the relationship.  

I have a sardonic sense of humor that undoubtedly looks darker in print than it's meant to be. Years ago, I was planning on continuing my EMT training and becoming a paramedic, until I realized that for being such a thin and tall woman, lifting 300 pound people off the ground was quickly going to wreak havoc on my back. During the time I spent around firefighters and paramedics, I heard the most grisly and dark jokes you could ever imagine. It's a coping mechanism to deal with the utter horror of the job. In a similar sense, I have always had a very dark sense of humor and the ability to say really nasty and unkind things, if only in my internal dialog, has helped

keep me smiling and sane and has prevented me from expressing things I would ultimately regret to my husband. So if my communication comes across as really unkind, there is definitely a part of me that feels that way and needs expression, but overall the part of me that controls my mouth and my actions just smiles and treats that snarky part as a wayward child who is having an outburst, nothing more.

As regarding the "shame I've instilled" --yes, the shame long ago predated me. However, I've added to it by my comments about his drinking. Yes, I criticized at times. I pleaded, begged, utilized logical arguments, cried--nothing worked until he came to awareness on his own. So all my attempts at changing his behavior equals shaming and criticizing in his mind. And I understand how he can feel that way.

[Skip]

I have a sardonic sense of humor that undoubtedly looks darker in print than it's meant to be... .

CF, I can't speak for others, but I'm not reacting to the humor.  In reading many of your posts I get the sense that you are more invested in winning the conflict than resolving it.  I mean that constructively.

Something to think about.

[Loosestrife]

I do what skip mentioned earlier as my situation seems to escalate into a forest fire before I can blink - short dose of validation and then gently remove myself from the situation.

[Cat Familiar]

CF, I can't speak for others, but I'm not reacting to the humor.  In reading many of your posts I get the sense that you are more invested in winning the conflict than resolving it.  I mean that constructively.

Something to think about.

I guess I am a bit verbally pugilistic. I know part of that stems from having a BPD mom who constantly criticized me and asked me to explain myself on a regular basis. Then my first BPD husband was physically and verbally abusive. My current husband is an attorney and a lightening fast thinker and talker. So perhaps I do go overboard advocating for myself. However, I don't believe there's such a thing as "winning a conflict"--that is always, in my mind, a lose-lose proposition. I am learning, through this site, to step aside from the fight. I used to believe that letting false statements go un-challenged was cowardly, but I'm seeing a higher purpose in not always going mano-a-mano verbally.

[Cat Familiar]

Still trying to use SET. It comes across pretty clunky sometimes, but when it works--wow!  It's just a lot harder for me to master than not JADEing. Baby steps, baby steps... .

[tvda]

Wouldn't it be nice if there were a 'international partners of BPD day'?

I mean just one day each year, where the BDP's would painstakingly adapt and adjust their communication approach and mold it around OUR sensitivities, instead of the other way around? 

[khibomsis]

And, insofar as empathy being contrived or not contrived, my kind teacher once taught that it's okay to fake great compassion for others because, through habit, genuine compassion will gradually result. I temper this advice with knowing that this faking has to be accompanied by some degree of mindfulness of your thoughts. Faking it while wanting to strangle your partner needs to be improved upon.

[Cat Familiar]

Wow! This was a long time ago and a good reminder that using the tools has greatly helped my relationship!

I don’t consciously use SET these days, but I really don’t have to. Our relationship is so much better and the communication is no longer going off the rails, as it once did.

I attribute that to realizing how much I had been invalidating him previously as well as having had a rather pugilistic attitude toward conflict, after a lifetime of living with pwBPD, beginning with my mother.

Nowadays he still gets overly emotionally tweaked (my opinion) about politics, his relationships with his family, environmental collapse, etc. But I now know to give him space when he’s upset and I realize that I don’t have to try and fix things, which are unfixable. So on balance, things are good.

[I Am Redeemed]

My thoughts here are that you stumbled over the E initially when he told you he felt taken for granted because you were trying to communicate empathy while simultaneously trying to process in your own mind how he could possibly feel this way.

My thoughts are that you might have done better with asking some validating questions first before trying SET. His answers might have given you more time to process what he was trying to communicate and also help you "dissect" his feelings without coming across as unemotional.

[Cat Familiar]

My thoughts here are that you stumbled over the E initially when he told you he felt taken for granted because you were trying to communicate empathy while simultaneously trying to process in your own mind how he could possibly feel this way.

I think that’s probably it in a nutshell. The incident happened so many years ago, it’s difficult to remember. I haven’t had much success trying formulaic responses with him because as a lawyer, he is very precisely tuned to language, probably more than most attorneys because he studies the structure of language and has taught himself Tibetan.

Every time I’ve tried SET or other formulas, he has literally repeated them back to me in a sarcastic tone. Part of that is because I’ve been clunky in my usage, but the other part is that he seems to immediately discover the underlying structure and can mimic that back. So I have to think of the overarching concept of what these formulas attempt to convey and utilize my own wording, emphasizing the empathy part, which he can’t seem to get enough of.

My thoughts are that you might have done better with asking some validating questions first before trying SET. His answers might have given you more time to process what he was trying to communicate and also help you "dissect" his feelings without coming across as unemotional.

It’s easy for me to go off half-cocked, thinking I understand. Validating questions are always helpful. However with him, he can get paranoid if I’m asking too many questions and then shut down. I think it’s the lawyer training. He wants to be in control of the conversation.