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Author Topic: Can't really live on her own  (Read 414 times)
bluejeans
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Committed relationship for almost 9 years. We were officially broken up for 3 months a couple of years ago.
Posts: 92



« on: March 13, 2015, 10:48:16 PM »

I realize one of the main reasons I stay with my uBPDSO is that I don't think she can really manage on her own, especially financially. Where we live is very expensive. She works but has never had a job that lasted longer than 9 mos (that was a miracle in itself but she was then fired). I do love her and care for her and worry how she would make it. As I had mentioned in a previous post, we did split up for a few months but she had a free place to stay in another state for a while (that ended badly for all concerned). I even "loaned" her money during that time. I am not sure her family would be able to help her out at all. She owes me a lot of money already so I am not willing to give her anymore if she were to move out. This plays a big part in my decision process.

Then again she could probably find someone new in a matter of weeks to take my place. Ugh.
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Loosestrife
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 612



« Reply #1 on: March 14, 2015, 04:39:03 AM »

Hi blue jeans

I'm sorry you are going through this. The facts are that she can work when she wants to, she has survived pretty well up until now and she always will find someone else to pay her way when she needs to. You are not responsible for her.  I imagine you work hard for a living. What have you done recently to be nice to yourself?

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Notwendy
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« Reply #2 on: March 14, 2015, 08:39:35 AM »

We had this same fear when dad was ill and it looked like mom would be on her own, but we have been thankfully surprised at what she is able to do that she used to rely on him for. None of her kids were willing to step up as caretakers. I realized that I just could not do that, and my own family, and hang on to any sanity. I worried that she was going to need constant emotional attention, but she is OK staying by herself. Now that she is elderly, she has grown into her need for help- such as people driving for her, helping her in the house. However, we are amazed at how well she can do on her own. Financially, dad made arrangements- life insurance, pension. We thought she would mismanage it, but she hasn't.

Divorce/separation of any kind results in changes that are pros and cons. As much as I hear some people lament about being taken to the cleaners in a separation, it is noted that there are also people living in poverty after divorce. Bluejeans, it is up to you to decide what to do about your r/s, but if your gf was able to make it on her own before you, then she is capable of being on her own after the r/s. The difference that I see is that she may be capable of suporting herself, but at a lower income level than you are.

Some parents face similar issues with kids who do not leave the nest. The kids find it easier to depend on parents. It is hard for parents to face making kids leave if it means the kids are homeless. Some parents choose to do this in increments- give them a deadline to move out, help with rent for a short time, maybe purchase the first car so they can get to work. This way the adult kids don't remain dependent but aren't tossed out with no roof over their heads. If you choose to leave your g/f, such a long term deadline for moving out would likely not be a good arrangement, however, if she is dependent on you with no where to go, some kind of financial assistance ( which she may or may not blow all at once- her choice) might ease your conscience.
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Riverrat
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Live in girlfriend
Posts: 96



« Reply #3 on: March 14, 2015, 10:23:03 AM »

I've thought about that as well--but the reality is she has managed for over 20 years on her own somehow.

Who knows how many guys, friends, family, people she meets, etc. have helped her. She carries a tent in her truck and has lived out of that on occasion. She has such a friendly, outgoing personality (to strangers) that everyone just wants to give her a hand.

She even talked my old landlord into a months free rent at our old place on the trade that she would clean it up for him, bashing me and my old roomies the entire time.

If she could be half as nice to me and her family, life would be sweet.
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bluejeans
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Committed relationship for almost 9 years. We were officially broken up for 3 months a couple of years ago.
Posts: 92



« Reply #4 on: March 14, 2015, 11:04:15 AM »

What I try to do for myself is take nice walks. Luckily where we live the weather is nice!

Interesting correlation about children. I have two sons. One is married and one is in college. They are both so much more mature than she is. For my oldest I had to set some boundaries on his living at home and that worked out. My youngest is so mature and wonderful, I wish my partner would look at how he conducts himself... .Sometimes I feel like I have 3 kids.

I woke up this morning thinking that maybe I need to set aside some money for her so she can move out if it ends up going that way.  I was really resistant to that because I feel so taken advantage of. I think I need to accept the fact that she will never pay me back what she owes me and that she will need my assistance if we break up.

My partner is very outgoing as well. Makes friends everywhere she goes, in the short-term.

She is 51 and we have been together for almost 9 years so she did have a life before me. Our time together has been her most stable (lots of ups and downs, tho, as you all know). I know she will be able to figure it out somehow but it will be hard for her.

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Mike-X
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: living apart
Posts: 669


« Reply #5 on: March 14, 2015, 11:20:51 AM »

Have you read about FOG? If so, what are your thoughts about FOG and your concern about her being able to live on her own? Also, can you elaborate on her life before meeting you?
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bluejeans
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Committed relationship for almost 9 years. We were officially broken up for 3 months a couple of years ago.
Posts: 92



« Reply #6 on: March 14, 2015, 07:55:51 PM »

I have only read a little about FOG. I will definitely read more. 

She was in a series of relationships, none lasting more than 3 years. She never held a job for very long, has always been in school. Being in school worked for her because she could get loans so never really had to work much. She also had a number of workman's comp claims.  She has been sober for over 17 years, and had used drugs too a lot when she was younger. Most of her past relationships were with people who drank or later on were in AA. 

I don't have any additions (other than her!) so I provide a lot of stability. 
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bluejeans
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Committed relationship for almost 9 years. We were officially broken up for 3 months a couple of years ago.
Posts: 92



« Reply #7 on: March 14, 2015, 09:35:31 PM »

Oops, I mean "addictions"

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