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Author Topic: Our Secret Marriage  (Read 419 times)
NGU
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Relationship status: Together since 2011. Married since 2013.
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« on: March 14, 2015, 01:59:08 PM »

I hope this is the last long entry I need to share regarding our relationship. Don't hold me to that, though.

My W and I have a secret marriage. We tied the knot at City Hall 17 months ago. The only people who know are our therapists, my parents and a couple of my wife’s friends. Her entire extended family has no idea.

Two years ago, I was misdiagnosed with BD and given medication that messed me up both mentally and physically. When I told my psych, instead of giving me a different med, she had armed guards force me into the ER. I was held there for two days, then transferred to a psychiatric institution while I was locked up in one of the hospital’s wings.

My (g/f at the time) finally tracked me down at the ER. She had to lie and tell people she was my wife. We both were concerned because we weren’t bound to each other legally. She proposed on the spot, with me in my ER gown. It was a move that perfectly matched our personalities.

She continued to lie as she worked tirelessly to get me out of the institution. She later told me how difficult it was because my psych cut all contact, and because of the wild amount of bureaucracy involved. It was frightening for both of us.

My W and I both dislike the concept of large weddings; both the ceremonies and receptions. We hate the social expectations of expensive rings, gift registries and related parties. As an ordained minister, I don’t mind if other people want to do it. For both of us, we don’t mind attending large weddings, as long as we’re close enough to the people. We usually aren’t.

We don’t like "The Man" getting involved in relationships, but we got married anyway. And we’re both happy we did.

She has a gigantic extended family. She has gone to countless weddings, and I’m now expected to attend most of them. She didn’t want to tell her family we were engaged, and now dreads telling them we’re married because we’d get sucked into a flood of multi-state family events and get showered with unwanted attention.

If our relationship was more on the normal side, I wouldn’t care as much. But her BPD systems are so bad, we even have an ER location picked out if she hits rock bottom. I still attend to a lot of her needs, and am spending a lot of time working on myself and handling her disability. Also, we’re moving, which has added to her anxiety to a point where she now throws up a lot. (She’s seeing doctors.)

So all her parents know is that their daughter has a mental disability and an unemployed former-alcoholic b/f who can easily break off the relationship and run. I can’t talk to them about the disability, our marriage, our improved relationship, my continuing education or even my level of commitment. To make it worse, they're going to be forced to co-sign for our next apartment. They already support their daughter financially, and now they're going to be forced to help me.

One of the guys in CBT calls her my Gife (girlfriend-wife.) Some of them wonder why I stay with her, because as I work through our issues, they hear more negative than positive. I stopped talking about our relationship.

Now for you here on the forum: I don’t have any questions. Maybe a couple reactions? To be honest, I’m not really sure.

Thanks.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

OffRoad
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« Reply #1 on: March 14, 2015, 02:08:36 PM »

My God! I'm not the only one!

H and I didn't get married right away for financial reasons (we saved $12,000 in taxes the first year due to our specific situation) When the time came that the financial issue no longer mattered, he kept dragging his feet. I finally asked him if I was going to die without us ever getting married. We got married on the last day of the 90 day license application. (yes, this is our life). He never told his parents or his friends. It was funny, because it would come up occasionally, and I would tell *that friend* that we had gotten married however many years ago. We had been married three years when I mentioned it to his parents, not knowing he hadn't said anything.

I have no idea why they wouldn't want to mention it in the first place, but I often think they don't want to say anything well after the fact because then they have to admit they didn't tell anyone and feel guilty about it. Non BPDs just say, "Oh, yeah, we got married. We didn't want to make a fuss." Done and done.
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #2 on: March 14, 2015, 02:30:47 PM »

Not telling your wife's extended family or most people you know is an ... .interesting... .choice. But I've got no real problem with it.

I'm on the opposite side--been physically separated from my wife for five months now. Our marriage was falling apart during this time, and pretty much ended about a month ago. We have told very few people about it. Dunno when we will. Divorce won't be for a while anyhow.

Not telling your wife's parents given that they are supporting her / the two of you by cosigning for an apartment doesn't seem fair to them the way I look at it. OTOH, you telling them when your wife (apparently) doesn't want to would be really awkward too.
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NGU
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« Reply #3 on: March 14, 2015, 03:53:37 PM »

We had been married three years when I mentioned it to his parents, not knowing he hadn't said anything.

I calmly dread that day I slip and say the word "Wife" or "Married" to the wrong person. I just hope my W will slip first. At this point, I'm wondering how offended any of her family members will be when they finally find out.

GK:

Yeah, it's an interesting situation. I agree... .it's not fair to them because of the finances. And it's not fair to me because I end up having to secretly work on our relationship with no support from her side of the family. Well, her mom is apparently pretty spiteful and vindictive, and her dad is a little clueless when it comes to anything but his job (he's considered genius-level in that respect), so who knows.

Even if my W ends up in the hospital, I can keep it a secret. Honestly, the only time I see it necessary to bring it up is if one of us is dying or on life support. I haven't wanted to think that far ahead.
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OffRoad
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« Reply #4 on: March 14, 2015, 05:13:40 PM »

I calmly dread that day I slip and say the word "Wife" or "Married" to the wrong person. I just hope my W will slip first. At this point, I'm wondering how offended any of her family members will be when they finally find out.

BBM: See, this could get you into all kinds of trouble with BPDw, even though it would not be your fault. Have you asked her if it would be a problem to tell them since they have to help sign for the apt?

I don't mean to sound negative but could she be worried that her parents would see the "unemployed former-alcoholic b/f who can easily break off the relationship and run" as unworthy of their daughter? If she feels like they already judge her, she might not think she could handle it if they disapprove of you.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #5 on: March 15, 2015, 08:41:48 AM »

One thing that concerns me here is your wife's financial dependence on her parents. I don't know what her agreement is with them. Her parents might be willing to help support an adult child, but  not willing to also support a live in boyfriend or husband. If this is the situation with your wife, then she may be concerned that they will cut off finances if they know she is married.

You mentioned that the parents would be "forced" to support you too. Actually, no parent is forced to support any adult children or their spouse, however, they can choose to if they want to. However, they don't have a choice if they don't know about it. I think this is up to your wife to decide what to do, as it is her relationship with her parents that will be most affected by the secret marriage.

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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #6 on: March 15, 2015, 08:55:17 AM »

Yeah, it's an interesting situation. I agree... .it's not fair to them because of the finances. And it's not fair to me because I end up having to secretly work on our relationship with no support from her side of the family. Well, her mom is apparently pretty spiteful and vindictive, and her dad is a little clueless when it comes to anything but his job (he's considered genius-level in that respect), so who knows.

Uhg. Sounds like a mess in your wife's FOO. Difficult to navigate, especially for your wife. Probably best to follow her lead with them... .unless/until she leads in a direction completely against your values.

When it comes to secretly working on the relationship with no support from her parents... .I doubt you are losing much there. They are more likely to be part of the problem than part of the solution on any emotional/relationship issues, whether they know the true situation or not!

Good luck. 
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NGU
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« Reply #7 on: March 15, 2015, 09:04:16 AM »

BBM: See, this could get you into all kinds of trouble with BPDw, even though it would not be your fault. Have you asked her if it would be a problem to tell them since they have to help sign for the apt?

I don't mean to sound negative but could she be worried that her parents would see the "unemployed former-alcoholic b/f who can easily break off the relationship and run" as unworthy of their daughter? If she feels like they already judge her, she might not think she could handle it if they disapprove of you.

This is one of the reasons this site is growing on me so fast. Good questions and observations.

OffRoad:

Yes, I have asked multiple times about telling them. The answer is no. What's interesting is that despite her mood swings, she's always surprisingly calm and collected out this subject. Overall, I've made peace with it. This is our relationship. Aside from "nons" like yourselves, I don't really care what other people think. This is an aspect of our relationship I can't change, so there's no use for me to dwell on it. My therapists are pleased with that mindset, and if I remember correctly, it's the first part of AA's Serenity Prayer.

She got really manic one day, which is when the exaggerations come out, and she mentioned that her father doesn't hold me in the highest regard. (She said it in a very hurtful way, but I can't remember the exact wording.) So yeah, I've thought about the risk of her parents seeing me as unworthy. That said, she has conveyed to them that I've been supportive.

NotWendy:

My thought is that they would only be "forced" to support me by co-signing. They would be supporting by W either way. They have quite a bit of money. Sure, they might have a problem with me not working right now, so I can contribute more. I do have funds through the sale of my former condo, so I do have liquid cash. I haven't asked for a cent. Does my W worry about them cutting off finances if they know she's married? I don't know for sure, but that wouldn't surprise me.  

GreyKitty:

Agreed. I know enough about them to realize they would be a stumbling block versus being supportive. One of the reasons my W has the mental problems she has now is because of the dynamic the family had when she was growing up. She needs their financial support, which is why she hates taking it. She's having to rely on people who she would rather be distancing herself from.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #8 on: March 15, 2015, 09:23:21 AM »

I've seen several situtions where parents are helping their adult children, but it is rarely without an expectation of something in return. Some cases might be helping support a child through graduate school or a first job with the expectation of being on a path to independence, or some other situations where the adult child is expected to contribute to the family and their personal future in some way. An elderly parent might help a child financially in return for the child spending considerable time taking care of the lawn, or errands. In some cases, the "help" is a form of enmeshment with strings attached. Some parents have chosen to help support an adult child who has a disability or other medical condition.

I know of some parents who have traditional values and have made it clear that they will pay rent for their child to live somewhere while attending school. They don't have their heads in the sand about a partner possibly staying over, but they put their foot down over the partner moving in. If married, they would consider it on a case by case basis, for instance if both were in a college program, they may be willing to help until graduation. Such parents may feel decieved if their child were married in secret.

I don't know what arrangement your wife's parents have with her, but this is something between her and them. She may feel she needs to keep this secret for her own financial survival or for when she feels more stable.
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ColdEthyl
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« Reply #9 on: March 17, 2015, 01:58:06 PM »

Hello, NGU, Sounds like you got yourself a handful here.

I would leave whether or not to tell her parents up to her. She could be worried about finances or their acceptance but at the end of the day it doesn't matter. I agree with you and GK as well that the parents more than likely would be a deterrent as opposed to an asset in your r/s.

When my dBPDh and I got married, we didn't want anyone there, either. We were just going to have my brother and his to be witnesses and call it a day. His family ended up inviting themselves because they wanted to be there, and my dad (only family I really have besides my kids and H) make his excuse not to show up. So, there were more people and attention than we wanted. I totally understand why you guys don't want that. It sounds like she's got a bigger family with bigger money and that would be uncomfortable for me as well.

You had mentioned people wondered why you were still with her. I make it a point to not speak ill of my husband to anyone but on here. Nons are not going to understand for the most part, and certainly not to the degree you need to for BPD. I come here for that support, and will be starting T soon as soon as my insurance gets sorted.I'm sure from the outside looking in, I look like an idiot at any rate. My H is not working and an alcoholic.

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NGU
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« Reply #10 on: March 18, 2015, 07:38:00 AM »

You had mentioned people wondered why you were still with her. I make it a point to not speak ill of my husband to anyone but on here. Nons are not going to understand for the most part, and certainly not to the degree you need to for BPD. I come here for that support, and will be starting T soon as soon as my insurance gets sorted.I'm sure from the outside looking in, I look like an idiot at any rate. My H is not working and an alcoholic.

People in my CBT/REBT group are the only ones who know how many challenges I face, aside from you guys. I stopped talking about it in group.

There's an update. Last night, we somehow got into a discussion about a hypothetical situation... .where I would take my adult brain and relive my childhood/teenage years. It's currently fascinating me, but I'm not obsessing. She chimed in and said how she'd handle her parents. There was this recurring theme about how she'd respond to her parents, giving me more of a clue about how they treated my W when she was growing up. I also got a better idea of how much it still bothers her.

So we finished talking about it and we start falling asleep. That's when I remembered something she had mentioned a while ago. Apparently her psychologist knows about my W's parents and keeps trying to breach the discussion so they can process it. All my W has told me is that she refuses to talk about it, and if her psych pushes, she will cry during the session.
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ColdEthyl
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« Reply #11 on: March 18, 2015, 09:32:59 AM »

Ugh sorry buddy  It's a sad thing. My H was sexually abused by a family friend, and when he does speak about his parents, 99% of the time he paints them white. Sometimes though when he's vulnerable he will talk about their relationship growing up and some of the neglect he experienced. He will usually very quickly change the subject, and I'm sure because it's painful and he doesn't want to process it. 
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