Struggling with the decision to take her back

[beardedgiant]

 Ive been struggling with this decision for months now and im still as confused as when this all started.

We met online and everything was great, we liked so many of the same things, we have the same tastes and we get along really well.   Honestly she is everything I could have possibly asked for in a partner.  Since everything was going so well, we decided to get married.  That's when the problems began.  We stayed together for about a week before she started to have her mood swings, and before I could figure out what happened she had kicked me out of the house.  Of course she would come back and apologize the next day and do everything she could to make it up to me so I kept coming back.  It wasn't until she pretended to cheat on me that I had finally had enough.   She didn't actually do anything, she just told me she did "to make me jealous", but at the time it felt real.

I had never seen her so apologetic after that, she did try everything she could to get me to forgive her, but I had been cheated on once before and that was something I would not stand for. 

At that point I was in her town, I had went there to get married and help her gather her things so we could move to my city.  After that ordeal I just left without her.

It wasn't until a couple of weeks later that I was able to get past that, and i asked her to move here.  She came, and right away, the mood swings were present.  From the moment she landed, she was very stand-off-ish.  It wasn't until the next day that she would even give me a hug.  Things got better for the first couple of days but then they got far worse again.  Her jealousy was extreme, and her reactions were even more extreme.  She would yell and scream, call me a liar and accuse me of ridiculous things.  It even got the point where she would throw temper tantrums, flailing her arms and legs, kicking and screaming like a child when you wont buy them the toy their after. 

We stayed here for about 2 weeks before I had once again had enough.  I asked her to leave, and although it took some time she finally did.

The thing is, I didn't realize that she had anything before we met, or got married.  It wasn't until she had left that I started looking into it and realized that there was something going on.  By the end of our time together I was so wound up that I couldn't hear anything she was saying to me, I could hear her, but I wasn't able to wrap my mind around it.  I just wanted it to end. 

The thing is, just near the end she was getting allot better.  She did ask for help (at the time I didn't know why, or what she meant), and she was even making improvements in how she dealt with her mood swings, but by that point, I was so blinded by everything that had happened that I couldn't take notice.

Before we got married she tried to tell me, well she told me that she could be moody, made a big deal out of little things and had a difficult time making decisions.  That didn't really sound like something foreign to me or anything I couldn't handle, and until she left I hadn't realized what was really going on.  When I think back now, I remember a couple of times when we were together, she would show me videos of people with BPD, but she wouldnt tell me she had it, she would just say that she felt like they did every once in a while. 

I couldn't really connect the dots because I was so unprepared for what happened.  It was so unexpected, I had never met anyone with BPD before and since we didn't live together before we got married (religious reasons) I was just completely blindsided. I was overwhelmed by the experience and couldn't really concentrate on anything.

But now that Ive had time to look at everything, and found out about BPD, I cant help but think that we could make it work.  I really do love her and if she wasn't absolutely perfect for me I probably wouldn't even be wondering, but since she is, I really do want to try again.  I just don't know if its the right thing to do.  Ending it the last time was very difficult and I do not want either of us to go through that again.  I especially don't want to put her though that again, I can only imagine (knowing what I know now) how difficult it must have been for her. 

As I said, I love her and we are perfect for each other in so many ways, that's why we got married in the first place, I just cant decide if this is something that we can deal with or if its better for me to stay away.

Part of me is saying that being armed with knowledge would give us an opportunity to make it work, while the other half is saying that it hasn't worked out twice already, whats to say that it will work out on the third try.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[babyducks]

Hi beardedgiant,

It sounds like you have been through a lot in a very short period of time.  I'm sorry you've had such a difficult time.   

I hope you keep coming back and keep reading and posting here because it has helped me more than I can possibly say in this short post.

My story isn't very different from yours.   When I met my partner I couldn't believe how perfect we were for each other.  She liked all the same things I liked, laughed at all my jokes and seemed to think I was the greatest thing ever.  I was on cloud nine for about 4 months.

Very quickly there were red flags that  I didn't understand, odd mood swings over things that didn't make a great deal of sense to me.    One of our first arguments was about me taking a bike ride with my cousin on a day when she was at work.     To my SO it felt like my attention had shifted away from her and I didn't love her anymore.  To me it was exactly like you said

It was so unexpected, I had never met anyone with BPD before ... .I was just completely blindsided. I was overwhelmed by the experience

  Because I didn't understand and it felt so foreign to me I yelled back, which made the situation worse.

Until I tumbled on BPD and this website we went through some very very bad times.  Horrible arguments and we spent about a year apart letting the emotional temperature settle down between us.

Now we are back together and doing (for us) very well.   We are fortunate that my SO is very committed to therapy, religious about her medication and dedicated to her reading and self improvement.   She very carefully never says BPD to me  and I am very careful to always use words like we and us when we talk about r/s issues.  I did about 2 years of therapy to understand my role in this dysfunctional dance.   

Things are better than I could have ever hoped for between us.  We have frequent success in handling what used to be very problematic issues.   It is not easy.   By no stretch of the imagination could this be called a 'normal' relationship.   Whatever that is.   

To a very large degree there are three of us in this relationship, me, her and the disorder.   Most days I am reacting to the disorder first.   I suspect it will always be that way.

I think you are doing a great job trying to sort this out.   It's a tough decision.   I hope you took some time to look at the lessons on the right side of the page.   Specially number 2 Understanding your role in the relationship.  because for me that's where the rubber hits the road.   Well okay maybe in number 4 too.   

Best of luck.   Keep reading and please come back and let us know how you are doing.

'ducks

[NGU]

Part of me is saying that being armed with knowledge would give us an opportunity to make it work, while the other half is saying that it hasn't worked out twice already, whats to say that it will work out on the third try.

Mr. Giant:

You posted this in the "Staying" section, so that gives us an understanding that you want this to work out. You also say you are perfect for each other in a lot of ways.

I understand why you would be overwhelmed. It's a lot to get blindsided with, and this will be a challenge for you.

My first suggestion is that you try putting aside any guilt or regret for what has happened in your relationship so far. Focus on one thing for now... .understanding BPD. BabyDucks is right. You need to arm yourself with some knowledge. It will help you learn how to act when her mood changes.

She has already asked for help. This gives me hope that at some point, you guys can talk about it together. She'll need professional help. And yeah, you'll likely need therapy too. If you feel that would be overkill, look at it as a way to improve yourself, while also helping your relationship. I was never a fan of therapy, and I still wasn't when I started. It took a while for me to find the right therapist, but I finally did. We also have a couple's therapist. It has saved our relationship. I had to start from scratch, and from what you're saying, you'll be starting that way too.

Please keep posting here. There is more you can write about what's happening, and I've found that to be therapeutic. Also, other members will chime in. Some might have opinions that are different from mine, but don't let that frustrate you. It's actually better, since you can take any information you get and apply the appropriate advice to your specific situation. And if you need extra motivation, read some of the success stories members have posted here.

-NGU