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bluejeans
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Committed relationship for almost 9 years. We were officially broken up for 3 months a couple of years ago.
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« on: March 15, 2015, 10:02:24 AM »

I have been going to CODA meetings for years and it has been helpful. Now I read about having to be the "emotional caretaker" in this relationship with my uBPDSO. It is hard to reconcile these two in my mind, to find a healthy place to be.  Anyone have any thoughts on this?
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Rockylove
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« Reply #1 on: March 15, 2015, 10:32:17 AM »

My first thought reading this was to attend more meetings.  Whew!  You have a lot of "stuff" to deal with, but the lessons and tools, books and posting have been so helpful to me... .I hope that you find some answers and comfort here as well.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #2 on: March 15, 2015, 10:57:20 AM »

I think I can address this to some extent since I have been doing the steps and meetings for co-dependency. I too noticed this and thought no way do I want to be someone's emotional caretaker- since that is what I was doing as a co-dependent. I think though, that there is a disctinction- a fine one no doubt. When one is emotionally caretaking as a co-dependent, it comes from a place of self centered ness based on our character defects. I would emotionally caretake- WOE, try not to trigger, accept responsibility for his emotions- all based on my fears and need. I would also enable him- by keeping him from being able to deal with his own emotions.

I think the requirement for being in a r/s with a person with BPD is to provide some structure in order for them to begin to manage their own emotions. This would vary according to the severity of the symptoms. I think it is in a sense similar to accomodating someone with a disability- having rails and ramps in the house so that the person is less dependent than if they weren't there. People who tend to dysregulate need structure and consistency, but may not be able to provide their own. Structure and consistency helps reduce anxiety, so they may be more functional with the structure.

Some people may not want to be in this position with a partner. It isn't easy to do. However, for people who want to keep their relationships intact, they may at least give it a try. This has to be considered in the greater context and each person needs to make their own choices about how willing they are to do this. But one has to have a strong boundary between this, and co-dependency.

The requirements are:

Maintaining routine and structure-

Setting and maintain boundaries-

Being empathetic, building trust, even in difficult times- this means taking care of our own feelings when they rage, learning the tools, not getting hooked into the arguments. I see this more about being my own emotional caretaker than theirs.

Don’t tolerate abusive treatment, threats and ultimatums

In crisis, stay calm, don’t get defensive, don't take it personally

Don’t protect them from natural consequences of their actions - let them fail

Self-Destructive acts/threats require action


These two are the ones that stand out to me as not being co-dependent. Co dependents tend to rescue and protect others from the consequences of their actions. For instance- bailing them out financially, legally, calling their boss to say they are sick when they were out drinking, keeping the family secrets, not telling their doctors about drug abuse.

Lastly, I think it also means that we can not expect them to be able to sustain us emotionally in anyway. We have to be our own emotional caretakers and when we need help- seek therapy or support groups.

and this part: we can not change them: at the same time, its important to understand that you and your behavior cannot rehabilitate anyone - you can only end your contribution to the emotional instability of the relationship. Rehabilitation requires an individual's deep personal commitment, consistently, and over time.

In a sense, we accept that the person has a disability, and make accommodations for it, but we should not make that disability worse through enabling.


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bluejeans
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« Reply #3 on: March 15, 2015, 01:32:16 PM »

Not sure what WOE is
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Sunfl0wer
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« Reply #4 on: March 15, 2015, 02:25:09 PM »

Notwendy did a fantastic job with this!  Good for me to digest as well.  Thx!

What it reminds me of is something my our MC told me privately.

I asked him what the difference was.  Why did he not see me as a codependent engaging in an unhealthy r/s.  His answer was:  As long as I could "SEE" what was happening, I was ok. 

I think this is the same as being able to have an observing ego.  If I could pull myself out of the dysfunction and analyze it fairly, then I think he felt I was ok, I could still grow and learn from the r/s.

The opposite of that is when I would get reactive, if I didn't know the difference of my over emotion.  Put plainly, the opposite is when I would get caught up in the drama and become over emotionally distraught and undone and hence participate in the dysfunction. 

Problem is, when you are "caught in it," that is when you are not aware that you are.
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How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.~Anais Nin
Notwendy
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« Reply #5 on: March 15, 2015, 02:33:42 PM »

Walking on Eggshells ( WOE) is actually being co-dependent, tiptoeing around them instead of them having to deal with their own disregulation and emotions. If we don't WOE, they may rage, but then we have to decide not to react to it. This breaks the cycle of WOE around them. ( hopefully) and they have to eventually learn that we do not have to tolerate their rages.

My marriage T told me that I would get this when I was able to hold on to myself during a rage ( we had already established that there was no risk of physical harm here- for someone who is physically abusive, this could not be a good idea). When we first started T, I was even afraid to not cook dinner for him, say no to sex and I was limiting things I did to not set him off. The first thing she said was to not cook every night, just say no. I couldn't imagine this. It wasn't that I don't cook or like to cook, but I was cooking out of fear, trying to not set him off ( cooking=love to him, not cooking= rejection). Now, I cook many nights but not all, and I don't fear. Does he like it? I don't know, but this was one way I stoped the WOE with cooking.

The same action can be either co-dependent or not and it can look the same. If I cook dinner because I want to, like to cook, then that is not co-dependent, but if I cook out of fear of raging if I don't- then I am being co-dependent. It can be a fine line to know what is what, but the steps and groups help me tune into when I am being one or the other.
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Rockylove
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« Reply #6 on: March 15, 2015, 03:05:09 PM »

Thanks, Notwendy!  I needed this.  I'm constantly learning.  I find myself doing things out of fear all too often.  Since my husband's stroke, he's been even more demanding.  When he wants me to do something, he want me to do it immediately even if it's not important to do so.  Part of the fear is that he is so impulsive that he risks injury (and then blames me) if I don't do what he's asking of me.  I'm working on this though and your posts have really helped me understand. 
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Mustbeabetterway
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« Reply #7 on: March 15, 2015, 08:58:27 PM »

I have been going to CODA meetings for years and it has been helpful. Now I read about having to be the "emotional caretaker" in this relationship with my uBPDSO. It is hard to reconcile these two in my mind, to find a healthy place to be.  Anyone have any thoughts on this?

Hi bluejeans,  my take from everything I have read about pwBPD is that they "need" a caretaker in order to continue in their dysfunction.  There is a difference in being a caretaker and being caring.  A caretaker does things that the other person should be doing for themselves.  There are reasons on both sides for this.

A caring person is supportive, but does not take over to smooth out every crisis.  Caring is not fixing everything. A caring person has their own activities and interests and encourages other people to do the same.

A caretaker does not let the other person face normal consequences for his/her actions.

I hope this helps!
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