Huh. Tried something different and it worked.

[Michelle27]

When things blew up in my marriage 3.5 months ago and I almost pulled the trigger on leaving, I just couldn't fathom the idea of being strong enough to continue while he was undiagnosed as well as not in therapy.  I said that I would stay on very strict conditions.  He needed to be actively pursuing psychiatric care as well as DBT and there were to be no more rages in my presence.  My PTSD was out of control and I was living with very high anxiety over the idea of having to be subjected to a rage at any moment and I simply couldn't handle it.  I was just beginning some therapy of my own and was beginning to work on the things I needed to work on and knew I couldn't handle anything else right then.

Since then, he's handled himself much better than I expected and although my anxiety abated somewhat, there has been still low grade anxiety over the possibility of a rage.  This past 2 weeks that ramped up when I saw clear signs of him ramping up.  Valentine's Day and my birthday were in February and he laid it on thick expecting me to swoon, and I'm just not in that place.  Not to mention that anything good for me (ie my birthday) in my life has historically led to a major dysregulation on his part.  He was making the odd snippy comment directed at me and some manipulative and downright "stalker-like" behavior.  I chose not to call him on any of it, because I knew my reaction would likely be over the top due to my anxiety.  But I felt it brewing in him and knew a dysregulation was coming.

So 3 nights ago we discussed perhaps going out for dinner on Saturday night.  But we ended up going out for dinner and shopping at Costco on Friday during which time we discussed and decided on purchasing a roast to cook in the slow cooker on Saturday since I was going to be gone all day with a 5K race.  In my head, we had decided not to go out on Saturday because we did on Friday.  So after dinner, I make plans to go hang with a girlfriend and have a few glasses of wine and he offered to drive me.  On the way, he looked at me and said, "hey, I thought we were going to go out tonight" in a tone that implied that I should have done that instead of going out with a friend.  I said, "We went out last night and discussed making the roast today.  I think I deserve a girl's night tonight since it's been weeks since I had one".   He responded WAY overboard with, "whoa, whoa, whoa.  That was uncalled for".  I said that maybe it seemed that way but I've been listening to him snapping at me for weeks and never called him on it.  It has been stressing me out because that behavior has historically been a precurser to a rage.  He pulled up where he was dropping me off and I leaned over to kiss him goodbye and he turned his head so I would kiss him on the cheek instead of the lips and when I questioned why, he said "well, it's obvious you don't want to" which felt passive aggressive to me.  I went into my friend's place and felt very anxious. My normal response would have been to message him out of my fears and probably JADE as well as explain why I was feeling anxious.  But I didn't.  I reminded myself that his mood should not be my problem.  Normally this kind of exchange would cause me to not enjoy my evening out of fear and anxiety over how things would be at home.  I chose not to message him and didn't.  I proceeded to have a good time and felt good about how I had handled it.  When I got home, I was anxious but much less so and went to bed and when we got up, he seemed much better.  I'm sure if I had allowed my anxiety over his mood to climb and had acted on it, today would not have been nearly as smooth. 

Yay for learning the lessons and practicing them!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

I have found that when I make plan A, and something changes, and it becomes plan B, I can not assume that my H has also made the same transition. If we start with plan A, it stays plan A no matter what. So when I act on plan B, he is typically blindsided because he is still thinking plan A.

If plan A included something with him, and plan B does not, then his conclusion is that I am rejecting him, don't want to be with him because he is worthless, defective... ..and so on.

It makes sense to you that since you went out on Friday, you do want to go out with him in general and changing plans on Saturday doesn't mean you are rejecting him. However, to him, it looks like you were going to go out Saturday and then rejected him to go out with the girls which then means he is worthless, rejected and so on.

There was an incident where we went to visit his family, and there was a storm coming in, and I wanted to leave early because I didn't want to get caught driving in the storm. Since he had plan A in his mind, and changing plans because of the storm was plan B, no amount of explaining the change could get through to him. So when I acted on plan B- and cut the visit short, this ended in a rage about how I didn't want to spend time with his family.

[Michelle27]

I hadn't thought of it that way.  Interesting.  But my biggest victory was not spending my time while out focused on his ramping up into a rage and reacting with JADE which is what I did for years.  That of course made things worse.  Instead, he was able to "come down" on his own and we avoided what would normally happen. :-)

[Notwendy]

Yes, that's an awesome victory! I didn't mean to take away from that.  I also found that JADE ing makes things worse. Great job!

I mention this because my H gets stuck on plan A. If I ever want to change to plan B, I take into account how to do it, and also how to respond. In the case of the storm, there was no negotiation. Even his family was telling us to leave. However, he saw this as them attacking him, and once he went down that path- there was no rational thinking about the storm. As far as I was concerned, I was not willing to risk driving in it.

However, if a plan switch involves a preference such as seeing a different movie, or going out to eat instead of a movie, I consider whether or not it is worth it, or bring up the idea as a choice for him.

[Mustbeabetterway]

I hadn't thought of it that way.  Interesting.  But my biggest victory was not spending my time while out focused on his ramping up into a rage and reacting with JADE which is what I did for years.  That of course made things worse.  Instead, he was able to "come down" on his own and we avoided what would normally happen. :-)

Wow!  Great work Michelle27.  Sounds simple unless you have been there.  I have been quieting my anxiety and JADEing tendencies.  Feels great to be successful, doesn't it?

[waverider]

You broke the cycle of action>reaction>counter reaction> counter reaction to the counter action etc... .

In this case he has a snipe, then gets over it. But if you then continue by trying to JADE or validate, it keeps the issue on the table and your own rising anxiety provides another trigger and the issue still being on the table is the ammuntion... So it escalates, rather than dissipates. You become resentful as it tainted your "me time". Increasing anxiety for next time.

It is surprising how many dramas fizzle out when there is no reaction

[Michelle27]

I did feel really good about it.  And yes, I also believe that for most people who haven't been through this kind of relationship, this is what would be "normal", but for me, it sure wasn't the usual routine. 

And yesterday, days after that incident, I was able to calmly speak to him about how this "snipe" was one of many I had heard over the past few weeks and hadn't reacted to, but I wanted him to know that I noticed them and they did concern me because they are what almost always led up to a major dysregulation.  I'm not cocky enough to think it was just my reaction that saved us (and I actually think he is still heading towards one... .in part because I think he's stressing about getting an intake with mental health next week) but it sure did help.

[maxsterling]

Just want to add here that making plans with a pwBPD is a double edged sword - you get cut no matter what side you use.  pwBPD want the future to be explicitly laid out in so much detail that any deviation is extremely stressful and the end of the world to them.  They want impossible promises and guarantees where none are possible.  I face this issue daily.  Multiple times daily.  And it's frustrating as hell. 

The way I am learning to navigate is to recognize that no matter what plans I do or don't make makes no difference, so why worry about it.  I do what I need to do in my best judgment, do my best to keep her informed to a reasonable level (one text message and one reminder is more than plenty).  The rest is up to her to manage.  For big things that I know she will be upset over, best to let her know as early as possible so that she can prepare and get upset before the day of whatever the event it.   

My wife feels she needs exact schedules for every day, lists for every trip to the store, and everything carefully planned out.  She can't let things go, AT ALL.  She spends an hour or more each day with her day planner with white out and a pen, going over and over.  And if something falls out of place, blame goes out in all directions.