I think that by maintaining my self-respect, it keeps some of the potential BPD acting out in check

[Cat Familiar]

Something that both my BPD mother and my BPD husband had in common was a lack of respect for me. That disrespect manifested in them yelling at me and in the case of my first husband, physical violence. The only strategy I had in dealing with them was passivity and cowering, waiting for their outbursts to be done. With time I grew stronger and finally, after many years, had the strength to end my marriage, not knowing how I was going to support myself.

In the intervening years, I discovered I had much greater strength than I had ever known and I made a comfortable life for myself. Then I fell in love with my second husband and got married again, only to discover a few years later that he was another pwBPD.

Everything I had gone through in the previous years of being on my own had built a foundation of confidence, strength and resilience that I hadn't had with my first marriage. Plus, I had many years of experience working with horses, which has shaped a lot of my beliefs, beyond the horse world.

Respect is one of the most important concepts I've learned from horses. So many people want their horses to like them, but what they really should want is for their horses to respect them. In that they are beings that weigh nearly a thousand pounds or more and who can move more quickly than the fastest martial artist, it is imperative for our safety, and theirs, that they respect us and see us as their leader. It's not that we should dominate them, or be the "alpha" but that we should work in partnership with them. One of the oft-repeated axioms in the horse training community is: "whoever moves their feet first, loses." Horses do that to each other and they try to do that to us, to determine where in the pecking order we stand.

To bring this concept back to human interaction with pwBPD: from the time I was born, I was in the weaker position with my mother, which is to be expected as an infant and young child. What I didn't learn from her as I grew into adulthood, was that I was strong and capable and worthy of respect. Not having that self-respect, it was easy for my first husband to dominate me and thereby disrespect me.

Fast-forward many years and now I do have that confidence and self-respect and again I'm in a relationship with a pwBPD. It's a balancing act for me sometimes to let things slide and not respond; I definitely don't want to "move my feet first" and lose the respect and once again be vulnerable to attack. I think that by maintaining my self-respect, it keeps some of the potential BPD acting out in check--perhaps this could also be stated as having strong boundaries.

How do you see respect in your relationships? Have you noticed your pwBPD infringing on your space when you've not maintained your self-respect?

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[Sunfl0wer]

When I think of how respect or lack of it played out in my BPDx r/s... .

He mirrored the feelings that he thought he saw.  His feelings were triggers for his actions to us all.

For example:

If I was sick, been in bed, feeling rather useless due to pain and fever... .  Some people could see me in this state and offer me a cup of tea, to get me a snack, or some other kindness.  However, he would also feel that I was useless, then he would react to that feeling by complaining about me not picking up after myself or something.

Another example:  If I was feeling defeated at work, disappointed in myself, instead of offering me an opposing view of looking at things, he would jump on my band wagon and join me in beating up on myself.

So yes, it was important to respect myself for if I didn't, my lack of self respect was used as evidence that I required to be treated disrespectfully.

Unfortunately, the same went for my son.  Sometimes I feel it is healthy to express disappointment appropriately to my S when the situation warrants it.  However, then BPDx would see this, interpret the feeling of frustration toward my S and turn it into hate towards him.

[Notwendy]

I see this in a similar way too. People with NPD/BPD have poor boundaries and see us as extensions of them, not as separate people. If there is something about us that triggers them, they don't see us as us and them as them. So, if we reflect a quality in them that they like, they may be OK, however, if we reflect a quality in them that they don't like, they project that feeling on to us to get rid of it.

When we were first married, my H felt that to be a man, he had to be like his macho, insensitive father. So if I showed emotions that were considered to be weak, or soft, he would rage at me. Ironically, he has told me that he wants me to show him more affection and the softer aspects. I am generally soft hearted and sensitive, but around him, I have acted more stoic and tough, like his family. It's not a quality I really wanted to foster. Like Cat says though, when I am sensitive, he is disrespectful and degrading to me- belittles me for it. If I cry, he verbally attacks. He didn't get the caring he craved from his parents, and he wants it from me, but he also rejects it when I give it to him.

I had lost my sense of self in this marriage, but I am gaining it back. I was a doormat for my parents and my H. I didn't respect myself enough to not allow them to walk all over me. However, I have gained more self respect. This makes a difference to me, no matter what they think. If they don't show respect for me, it is because of their own issues. However, if I act according to my own values, I don't have to lose self respect. I am learning to be more authentic with my H, and that raises my self respect too.

[LilHurt420]

with my uBPDh I think that his lack of respect towards me and others stems from him only caring about himself.  I don't think he intentionally sets out to disrespect me, but because he really only cares about himself he doesn't take time to think about how his actions affect me (or others).

[Skip]

The horse analogy is a good one. A horse is an animal of prey and lives by fear. Teaching it to be calm in fearful situations is key to the relationship.

How do you build a relationship with a horse?  Trust.

How do you build trust?  First, learn how a horse thinks so you can know how to respond to him in a way that makes sense.  Then you need to learn how you need to think around him - confidence and inner peace is important - fearful or emotionally volatile riders don't do well with horses.

Then its patience, consistency.

I see great parallels.

[Cat Familiar]

The horse analogy is a good one. A horse is an animal of prey and lives by fear. Teaching it to be calm in fearful situations is key to the relationship.

How do you build a relationship with a horse?  Trust.

How do you build trust?  First, learn how a horse thinks so you can know how to respond to him in a way that makes sense.  Then you need to learn how you need to think around him - confidence and inner peace is important - fearful or emotionally volatile riders don't do well with horses.

Then its patience, consistency.

I see great parallels.

Very true indeed. PwBPD are highly reactive, as horses can be. We try to get the horse to use his thinking brain, rather than his reactive brain.

Consistency is key with horses. You need to be 100% reliable. Horses want rules to be black and white, no shades of grey. (For ex: it's not "cute" to try to grab a treat from my pocket--you must wait until I offer it and always stay a respectable distance away from me unless I invite you in.) Not sure how this relates to pwBPD, but I tend to see a lot of nuance in life while my husband thinks in terms of black and white, right and wrong. (Not always--but definitely on topics that are emotionally charged for him.) I am, however, emotionally consistent with him, so he can rely upon me. (It would be nice if he were able to do this for me, but I understand it may not be possible.)

I've done much better at calming high-strung thoroughbreds who were freaking out, horses that have been injured, and a mare who had a seizure disorder than my husband when he was dysregulating. I guess I speak "horse" better than BPD.   That's why I'm here.

[ColdEthyl]

The horse analogy is a good one. A horse is an animal of prey and lives by fear. Teaching it to be calm in fearful situations is key to the relationship.

How do you build a relationship with a horse?  Trust.

How do you build trust?  First, learn how a horse thinks so you can know how to respond to him in a way that makes sense.  Then you need to learn how you need to think around him - confidence and inner peace is important - fearful or emotionally volatile riders don't do well with horses.

Then its patience, consistency.

I see great parallels.

Very true indeed. PwBPD are highly reactive, as horses can be. We try to get the horse to use his thinking brain, rather than his reactive brain.

Consistency is key with horses. You need to be 100% reliable. Horses want rules to be black and white, no shades of grey. (For ex: it's not "cute" to try to grab a treat from my pocket--you must wait until I offer it and always stay a respectable distance away from me unless I invite you in.) Not sure how this relates to pwBPD, but I tend to see a lot of nuance in life while my husband thinks in terms of black and white, right and wrong. (Not always--but definitely on topics that are emotionally charged for him.) I am, however, emotionally consistent with him, so he can rely upon me. (It would be nice if he were able to do this for me, but I understand it may not be possible.)

I've done much better at calming high-strung thoroughbreds who were freaking out, horses that have been injured, and a mare who had a seizure disorder than my husband when he was dysregulating. I guess I speak "horse" better than BPD.   That's why I'm here.

To be fair Cat... .even though they act like a horse's rear sometimes... .they are human and not horses 

I totally love this analogy. It makes total sense. I've drawn similar comparisons with our rescue dogs and my H. One of our dogs drinks all of the water set out... every time.We rescued him 4 years ago, and he still does it. No matter how often he gets water... .he looks at me nervously as if it could possibly be the last bowl. My H can be like that with praise or proclamations of love.

[Notwendy]

I don't know if it is possible to make anyone trust someone else, but being trustworthy and having integrity lead to self respect and being respected. I think this was an important part of me having self respect and being able to withstand some accusations. I knew they weren't true. I also think my H knows that I have had integrity in the r/s and he values that.

It did take a while to break him in, but I finally found a bit that fits him well, and he is getting better at responding to the reins. I don't have to use the switch  nearly as much... ., 

[Cat Familiar]

It did take a while to break him in, but I finally found a bit that fits him well, and he is getting better at responding to the reins. I don't have to use the switch  nearly as much... ., 

I like to lunge my horses at liberty in the round pen to get an "attitude adjustment" and after a few bucks and kicks in my direction if they're very "fresh," they get down to work and they trot and canter and turn when I ask. When they've worked off some of that excess energy, I stop them and ask them to come towards me in the center, where I rub their faces and then they follow my every move as we walk around together while they catch their breath.

Sometimes I wish I could do this with my husband--really get him to run around and breathe hard and let go of all that goofy thinking and just enjoy being in a physical body. (I know what some of you might make of this last sentence, but even that doesn't totally help him let go of himself.) I just think that sometimes these personality disorders can cause a lot more havoc in people who tend to be sedentary.