BF told me he wonders if he's going to regret ending our relationship.

[misuniadziubek]

My uBPDbf told me today that he's been reflecting that he doesn't regret any of his breakups, so he wonders if he'll regret ours.

I can't even... .Begin to understand how you can just blatantly tell your partner that.

His first ex was a cutter and very religious. She has never had a relationship last a year. 9 months.

Second ex was someone who repeatedly cheated on him, gave him recurrent MRSA because refused to be treated and has nothing but extremely tumultuous friendships and relationships. 7 months.

Third I met because he lived with her still, very immature, aggressive, was always smoking pot, had very little life experience and was incapable of taking care of him after he came back from the hospital after a car accident. 6 months.

My motive here isn't to judge these people. It's just they were all very unstable partners. He seems to enjoy finding broken people and teeing to fix them.

He's been with me for 18 months now. I've been the most stable relationship. The worst I can say about myself is that I have anxiety and some depression that I've been treating for three months now. We had a pretty decent intimate life until his questioning my hygiene constantly had left me reluctant. I've also not finished my post secondary education due to my anxiety and have substantial debt because if it.

I'm constantly working on our relationship. Becoming whole myself. We had a really decent weekend together. Lots of affection and enjoying each others company. Then he said this today and now I'm wondering if it was all for nothing. He seemed happy.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mike-X]

You seem to be taking what he said personally, comparing yourself to in this relationship to his exes, etc. I am sorry that you were hurt by his statement. However, have you considered that his statement reflects his internal turmoil regarding being in a close relationship and doesn't have anything to do with you?

Have you read about depersonalization?

[misuniadziubek]

You seem to be taking what he said personally, comparing yourself to in this relationship to his exes, etc. I am sorry that you were hurt by his statement. However, have you considered that his statement reflects his internal turmoil regarding being in a close relationship and doesn't have anything to do with you?

Have you read about depersonalization?

I think that when we are in such a happy place, even temporarily, I let my guard down so easily. I just want to go back to that time when he wasn't saying such terrible things to me. Maybe it's a form of denial, gnat he isn't BPD, even though I'm consciously aware he is.

Then everything just hurts twice as bad. His anger, outbursts, his criticisms and then I just really never want to open up again. I'm just defensive and closed off.

[Mike-X]

You seem to be taking what he said personally, comparing yourself to in this relationship to his exes, etc. I am sorry that you were hurt by his statement. However, have you considered that his statement reflects his internal turmoil regarding being in a close relationship and doesn't have anything to do with you?

Have you read about depersonalization?

I think that when we are in such a happy place, even temporarily, I let my guard down so easily. I just want to go back to that time when he wasn't saying such terrible things to me. Maybe it's a form of denial, gnat he isn't BPD, even though I'm consciously aware he is.

Then everything just hurts twice as bad. His anger, outbursts, his criticisms and then I just really never want to open up again. I'm just defensive and closed off.

I certainly understand. What do you think are the ultimate causes of his anger, outbursts, and criticisms?

[misuniadziubek]

You seem to be taking what he said personally, comparing yourself to in this relationship to his exes, etc. I am sorry that you were hurt by his statement. However, have you considered that his statement reflects his internal turmoil regarding being in a close relationship and doesn't have anything to do with you?

Have you read about depersonalization?

I think that when we are in such a happy place, even temporarily, I let my guard down so easily. I just want to go back to that time when he wasn't saying such terrible things to me. Maybe it's a form of denial, gnat he isn't BPD, even though I'm consciously aware he is.

Then everything just hurts twice as bad. His anger, outbursts, his criticisms and then I just really never want to open up again. I'm just defensive and closed off.

I certainly understand. What do you think are the ultimate causes of his anger, outbursts, and criticisms?

That would require empathy and critical thinking and I'm all out for the day.  Just emotionally drained from the constant anger and always being vigilant for his next outburst. There probably a valid reason. He's being super nice right now. Doesn't matter. I'm drained.

[Mike-X]

You seem to be taking what he said personally, comparing yourself to in this relationship to his exes, etc. I am sorry that you were hurt by his statement. However, have you considered that his statement reflects his internal turmoil regarding being in a close relationship and doesn't have anything to do with you?

Have you read about depersonalization?

I think that when we are in such a happy place, even temporarily, I let my guard down so easily. I just want to go back to that time when he wasn't saying such terrible things to me. Maybe it's a form of denial, gnat he isn't BPD, even though I'm consciously aware he is.

Then everything just hurts twice as bad. His anger, outbursts, his criticisms and then I just really never want to open up again. I'm just defensive and closed off.

I certainly understand. What do you think are the ultimate causes of his anger, outbursts, and criticisms?

That would require empathy and critical thinking and I'm all out for the day.  Just emotionally drained from the constant anger and always being vigilant for his next outburst. There probably a valid reason. He's being super nice right now. Doesn't matter. I'm drained.

I was looking for something about his anger, outbursts, and criticisms being responses that he developed long before you knew him. In other words, the anger, outbursts, and criticisms have nothing to do with you or anything that you have done. They are his communication issues that he needs to work on.

Have you read about establishing boundaries in relationships?

[Notwendy]

Some things to think about:

"He's been with me for 18 months now. I've been the most stable relationship."

"The worst I can say about myself is that I have anxiety and some depression that I've been treating for three months now. "


"We had a pretty decent intimate life until his questioning my hygiene constantly had left me reluctant. I've also not finished my post secondary education due to my anxiety and have substantial debt because if it."

"I'm constantly working on our relationship.Becoming whole myself"

"We had a really decent weekend together. Lots of affection and enjoying each others company. Then he said this today and now I'm wondering if it was all for nothing. He seemed happy.

What about you? Is your happiness or sadness dependent on what he says or feels?


I'm going to put these pieces together in a way that may or may not resonate with you. Much of your posts are about him- he seemed happy, he was affectionate to me, will he regret this - what is he feeling. Your focus is on him, but you have indirectly said some things about you:

You have been with him for 18 months, and about a year later you have developed anxiety and depression.

You are constantly working on the relationship and trying to be whole. However, you can not be whole while giving up your focus on yourself, your dreams, your goals. It can feel painful to lose yourself. Please don't be hard on yourself for this, as many people have been in your shoes, trying to make things work in the best way they know how to do. It takes a lot of effort to change the way we do things.

I understand this because I lost myself in my r/s and focused on making my H happy while neglecting myself and became depressed. This is the consequence of abandoning ourselves. However, when I could turn the focus on myself again, I was able to regain my self worth and stronger boundaries.

It is good that your are posting here, and I hope that you can find support to focus on you.

[misuniadziubek]

I'm going to put these pieces together in a way that may or may not resonate with you. Much of your posts are about him- he seemed happy, he was affectionate to me, will he regret this - what is he feeling. Your focus is on him, but you have indirectly said some things about you:

You have been with him for 18 months, and about a year later you have developed anxiety and depression.

You are constantly working on the relationship and trying to be whole. However, you can not be whole while giving up your focus on yourself, your dreams, your goals. It can feel painful to lose yourself. Please don't be hard on yourself for this, as many people have been in your shoes, trying to make things work in the best way they know how to do. It takes a lot of effort to change the way we do things.

I understand this because I lost myself in my r/s and focused on making my H happy while neglecting myself and became depressed. This is the consequence of abandoning ourselves. However, when I could turn the focus on myself again, I was able to regain my self worth and stronger boundaries.

It is good that your are posting here, and I hope that you can find support to focus on you.

This was actually incredibly helpful. It's going to take me a while to really take it all in, but I definitely have an idea of what you mean.

I have lost myself in this relationship regularly. The breaks we take are regular, but the outcome is very bipolar. Sometimes it's a good break and a moment for me to focus on my own life, and sometimes it turns to a depressive state and focusing on seeing him is all I can really think about. It's like if I make him happy, I don't have to make myself happy. If he`s happy, I can convince myself that everything is alright.

What I realised after reading your response is that oftentimes I use HIM and HIS needs as a way to pull attention off ME and MY needs. It's like an addiction. I'm addicted to taking care of him and his issues, because it leaves me avoiding my own issues. It's definitely not very healthy.

I've actually had depression and anxiety for most of my life. My first memorable episode of anxiety was at ten. It only got worse over time and it's so chronic that I've never really considered there was a different way to experience life.

Before I met him, I was in a very stale relationship which was doing nothing to inspire self-growth. I became severely depressed over time and at times suicidal. No one in my family offered very much support, either. They didn't understand. They just kept pushing me to do things.  I didn't have friends, didn't try to make any either. I worked a very menial job and my future felt very bleak. I remember once going out to a club with some friends and experiencing a breakdown in the bathroom. I didn't feel like I deserved to enjoy myself or that I was capable of it.

Fast forward a month and I meet my uBPDbf for the first time in real life. We spend two whole days together and life feels perfect. I feel like a person again. Like there is more to life than just sleeping and working two minimum wage jobs in food services. He's coming up to see me every weekend and suddenly I have something to look forward to. Someone who keeps reminding me that I'm capable of becoming better than I am. Suddenly I'm actually hanging out with people again, going to cottage parties, engagement dinners, socialising with everyone.

He became someone who never let me down, even driving up to be with me after a car accident. Always telling mehow much potential he saw in me for getting my life in order. For the longest time, I considered him my hero. He pushed me get my anxiety treated as opposed to just settling for what was. Because of him, I started a journey on improving myself as a person. Even despite the harsh words, he's motivated me too become better organised, on time, stand up for myself at work, and most importantly let my actions stand behind my words. For a time, there was a lot of codependancy going on. I've been working to minimise it. Sometimes, I falter. Sometimes I regress back to the vulnerable depressed person I was when we first met, waiting for someone to save me. I snap out of it quickly. If I tell him, he'll harshly confront me and tell me to do something about it. He can be very understanding at times as well, when he's not dysregulating.

It's not even a little perfect. All the issues I've talked about do exist. I'm not going to minimise it, sometimes things are really tough and it feels like our relationship is on its brink. My anxiety turned into panic attacks when he first started exhibiting really extreme behaviours like getting angry over really small things, hanging up on me regularly, and giving me the silent treatment. I didn't understand at the time. Now i've learned to control them to the point that they no longer affect my day to day life and I have a stronger more impervious strategy to deal with his tantrums.

The takeaway though is that I am the one who kept going. I made a decision to improve myself. Sometimes I forget that. Sometimes I think that I can't survive without him. He's my escape when things get too tough. He oftentimes gives me good advice on how to go forward, despite his own underdeveloped emotional needs. It's not a good coping mechanism, though. I need to learn to deal with my life as is and become as independent as I can.

I have to remind myself to focus on myself before him. It's become a habit, simply because he seems to be so much more reactive than me. I LIKE feeling needed. That's something we dealt with about a month ago. I realised that for some reason I had the belief that if I wasn't 'needed', if he didn't want me to help, I had no worth as a partner. I worked on rationally working that out through some simple CBT.