Just found out about him being BPD

[Fionasofar]

Hey everyone,

I just found that my ex bf had BPD,I knew that there was something  wrong as this relationship was very unstable he broke up with me twice before over nothing and started to date his ex ... apparently it seems that he has created this triangle of love hate relationship .1)with me 2)his ex(used to be my friend) 3)one of his co worker whom he used to date on n off... Which I was unaware off but just found out about ...

He recycles each one of us by devaluing one and idealising another...

When his ex found about it she texted me that she's going to block him from all sites and will not communicate with him any longer as she was going NC by texting me she was conveying her message to him... so apparently she got out of this triangle ...

He confessed his love to me and I foolishly believed him now he has broken up to recycle his colleuge ... I just found about her by our mutual friend...

The relationship was good despite of the things that he did we were really close to eachother at first he had severe trust issues and was afraid that everyone will leave him eventually.(hence the triangulation as back up).

We have known eachother for more than 10 years and were in relationship since  a year.

I still hope to be with him and work through his problems .

From what I have read over Internet ,everyone advices to run away from BPD ppl...

I really love this men.from what I know I believe that he will recycle with me again.

Should I be wanting him back?is this a wise decision ?should I walk away?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Aurylian]

Fionasofar,

So glad that you are here.  It is a great place to learn and grow from those with a great deal of experience.

If I understand it right, you two are not together right now?  Is that correct?

If so this is a great time for you to be able to work on creating a healthier you and develop some really great tools that are useful in all of your life.  You really want to take the time to understand what is your motivation to take this relationship back on.  It is a challenge and can lead to long term chaos.  But, if you really want to be with him, then the only way to do it is to become strong yourself.  Learn all the communication tools you will need, especially validation.  Learn how to establish and maintain strong boundaries.

Anything is possible, but you want to make sure you go in prepared. 

Do you get the sense that he wants to work through his issues?

[Fionasofar]

Yes we are by together right now,he broke up with me and is now with someone else.yes I want to be stronger and learn all there is to cope up with his issues.

Idk how to start?can you suggest something to read?

He knows about his issues and tries his best to cope up with his issues it he doesn't wanna seek professional help due to steong narcissistic traits and straight farward refuses to change,he says that I have to change in order to be with him and compromise cause he won't.

I believe once he trust me completely he will at least try to change.

What can I do for him to trust me with his love?

[Aurylian]

Yes we are by together right now,he broke up with me and is now with someone else.yes I want to be stronger and learn all there is to cope up with his issues.

Idk how to start?can you suggest something to read?

He knows about his issues and tries his best to cope up with his issues it he doesn't wanna seek professional help due to steong narcissistic traits and straight farward refuses to change,he says that I have to change in order to be with him and compromise cause he won't.

I believe once he trust me completely he will at least try to change.

What can I do for him to trust me with his love?

There is a lot of good material here under the "Lessons" section on communication tools.

To start, I like Randi K's books "The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder".  This gives you a good overview and helps with developing realistic expectations. 

The two main areas I had to work on were communication skills (mainly validation and how to not invalidate), and also changing my expectations.  Your desire to be trusted may be difficult.  He may trust you at times, but won't at others.  One of the biggest challenges is that he feels emotions very strongly and will likely alter his perception of reality to fit those emotions.  In his mind this will sometimes create fictions he must use to keep the whole thing afloat.  My BPD wife only trusts me so far.  I have had to use boundaries to protect some of my freedoms as she would prefer I have a GPS device implanted under my skin to track me to where I am at all times, even though I have never cheated on her. 

You must learn to understand how a person with BPD thinks in order to recognize it and not try to change their thinking or defend yourself.  There are times when you just need to understand their limitations and do the best you can.

Start with the Lessons and Randi's book if you can.  Both are real eye openers.

Aury

[Fionasofar]

Thank you aury,

I really appreciate it.can you tell me besides reading about the tools and having a proper idea of BPD's mind what else can I do in order to get him to me,'?should I talk to him or leave him alone... ?

Cause I have read that in order to get your BPD partner I have to give him space and not chase after him?

[tjay933]

yes I want to be stronger and learn all there is to cope up with his issues.

that is a very commendable trait to have.

welcome to the group.

can you suggest something to read?

there are lots of books to read. look on the library section of this site as it will give you a selection to choose from to start with. I would also add books on building self-esteem as you will need to have a very strong sense of self if you are going to stay in this relationship.

he says that I have to change in order to be with him and compromise cause he won't.

we can only change ourselves. we can not change them. they have to do this. unfortunately, the first step for them to change is their realizing they have a problem and wanting help. If they don't want it, they won't change no matter how long/hard we try. It doesn't matter how much you change to try to satisfy him, he will never be happy-this is based on over a decade of trying to be a better person for my BPD-didn't work-he just complained more and more about all the ways I needed to be better for him.

It is also very common for a pwBPD to blame the other person for everything that goes wrong in their lives-there is nothing you can do to change this. As you read up and become more knowledgeable on the condition you will realize this is part of how they operate. They will blame, project, demean, rage,  belittle, insult, complain, be verbally and some are physically abusive-this is all part of them.

What can I do for him to trust me with his love?

There is nothing that you can do to make him "feel" and "trust" you. These are feelings that each person develops within themselves and can't be created from external factors. If he does trust you with his feelings, this won't get him to want to change either.

Start off with some of the books recommended. You can buy them, go to the library, download them. that is probably the best place to start and as you read, keep writing and asking questions as you go. we've been there, seen that, tried it all, may even have some pointers for you.

Stay safe.  

[Fionasofar]

Thank you tjay for the references and guidance.

For what you are saying it seems a long hard way to go with lots of efforts and understanding which I m willing to do and work on but as I told before in this post that we are broken up.

What if I keep wating he never comes back,I am not afraid to work in myself and for betterment of this relationship but I don't want to be optimistic and just wait for him to be disappoints in the end.

I hope I m making myself clear.

[tjay933]

look at it this way. one of two things is going to happen:

1. he comes back

2. he doesn't come back

in either scenario, you still have a lot to get to know about BPD. this all takes time. you need to get to know what you want and the information and guidance to do with pwBPD will help you in any relationship-be it this one or the next. imo-take some "me" time while he's away and get to know you better and build yourself for now.

it is quite common for pwBPD to revisit past relationships as you are already aware of with his actions. look at his history and you will know that he most likely will come back-it's up to you if you want to be in this relationship or not-take this time to be better prepared to deal with his BPD when he does come back, and there will be less work to do later.

"don't put off til tomorrow what can be done today"

I wouldn't go running back to him as this could be playing into the drama triangle that he is wanting and isn't in his best interests to be playing.

just my nickles' worth.

[Fionasofar]

Thank you tjay for the insight .

I get the idea what you are trying to say.

I will work on myself and read about BPD as much as I can and will learn the tools as in how to validate and not to invalidate .

Thankyou for the support ❤

[tjay933]

we're here for you.

stay safe and strong