Crazy making...

[Depression = 72% of members]

My H has been dysregulating for about a month now with no end in sight.  Any crisis will trigger him to create his own crisis to 1) enable him to not have to deal with  supporting me in my pain from the original crisis and he can blame me for not being there for him. and 2) give him reason to emotionally abandon the whole family when they need him the most.   He has become mean and accusatory, all of which makes no sense at all.  He pulls silent treatments for days, which actually I enjoy because I don't have to deal with him at those moments.   I manage him and SAT and validate... all of it but when it is when I am dealing with very criticial crisis within our family (adult children and grand children) I find myself weakened by his continous black and ugly moods and having to deal with a raging maniac in the house... even though I leave when I have to go to  keep boundaries up.

Here is the twist.  My H is a pastor... you heard me right... .he is this wonderful man to all who know him and to those he teaches.  He is kind and gives everything (for approval) to those he can pull in.  Even the senior pastors where he works thinks he is just so spiritual.  My children (2nd marriage) think he is a hypocrite and a total phony as do my supportive friends who I share with.   He has caused much confusion in their lives even though I have told them all about BPD... .I do not cover for him but speak the truth... .one of them lately whom he created the crisis with and fought with told him in a fit of anger that he was mentally ill and the whole family knows it but don't have the guts to tell him.        When he asks me if I said that I deny it... .   What is an appropriate way to handle him in your opinion?

[amaris]

My H has been dysregulating for about a month now with no end in sight.  Any crisis will trigger him to create his own crisis to 1) enable him to not have to deal with  supporting me in my pain from the original crisis and he can blame me for not being there for him. and 2) give him reason to emotionally abandon the whole family when they need him the most.   He has become mean and accusatory, all of which makes no sense at all.  He pulls silent treatments for days, which actually I enjoy because I don't have to deal with him at those moments.   I manage him and SAT and validate... all of it but when it is when I am dealing with very criticial crisis within our family (adult children and grand children) I find myself weakened by his continous black and ugly moods and having to deal with a raging maniac in the house... even though I leave when I have to go to  keep boundaries up.

Here is the twist.  My H is a pastor... you heard me right... .he is this wonderful man to all who know him and to those he teaches.  He is kind and gives everything (for approval) to those he can pull in.  Even the senior pastors where he works thinks he is just so spiritual.  My children (2nd marriage) think he is a hypocrite and a total phony as do my supportive friends who I share with.   He has caused much confusion in their lives even though I have told them all about BPD... .I do not cover for him but speak the truth... .one of them lately whom he created the crisis with and fought with told him in a fit of anger that he was mentally ill and the whole family knows it but don't have the guts to tell him.        When he asks me if I said that I deny it... .   What is an appropriate way to handle him in your opinion?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

I am sorry that you are dealing with this. The hard part about him being a pastor is that there are many people who look up to him and won't challenge him, which can provide a refuge from him having to look at himself- something pwBPD tend not to do anyway, but the ministry would be a constant source of affirmation of his false self.

That said, I don't think being a pastor means that he is more connected to God than anyone else, or has some greater spirituality. I think there are many good people who are called to lead others spiritually, but they lead relatively quiet lives. Then there are a smaller number of pastors who probably shouldn't be- and they make the news. I suspect may of them are good actors and charlatans. I think history has given us plenty of examples of people doing great things with their faith and some who do horrific things. So, your H could have a mental illness and also be a convincing pastor.

Except, you don't have to accept his ideas as your truth. I think the boundaries that you are setting are good things to do. I don't know how old your children are, but they see him for who he is and it is good that you validate them, and also don't "rescue" him from the consequences of his actions. I don't have any particular advice except that his being a pastor, if anything, makes it harder to look inward. However, you know the truth, and so does God. Act according to your truth and your values. He's a human like anyone else.

[Cat Familiar]

I'm so sorry you're dealing with such a difficult situation.    I'm glad that there are people in your life who understand the truth. It sounds like you've studied the lessons on the right side of the page. I guess my question for you is how do you see yourself moving forward in the future with your husband? What would you like from this relationship?

[Aurylian]

As the husband of a BPDw, I can sympathize.  She looks great at church and says all the right things, but you see a different side at home.  It can be very challenging to honor them, but also try and make progress in the relationship.

One thing I would be cautious of: be careful you don't find yourself cutting him too much slack or dropping your boundaries because he is a pastor.  You can feel pressure help him keep up his facade.  But, at some point, he might need to have a moment of crisis in order to truly deal with his BPD for the first time.  If he does something that is contrary to his position as an elder in the church, then the church should know about it and he should be placed in a position to seek help and not in a position where he is in authority (see 1st Timothy 3:1-7): "Therefore an overseer must be above reproach, the husband of one wife, sober-minded, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not a drunkard, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money."

It is hard to remember this in a PBD Christian relationship, but your first responsibility is to God, then your husband.  I find myself often tempted to get in God's way when dealing with my wife and trying to save her from things she should probably be forced to deal with.

[amaris]

Thank you everyone!   You know, no matter how strong we think we are we still need to connect and be reminded when our BPD's escalate for long periods at a time.   It makes us feel more sane in the midst of pure craziness.   I am a Life Purpose Coach and Author, and I know how to spiritually take care of myself, but sometimes I forget and lash out in so much frustration and from being so fed up with the constancy of his attacks when he is dysregulating repeatedly.  I find my validity in my work and from close friends who keep me sane.  Sometimes I need to be reminded of my boundaries, how  to validate, and when to leave.   He knows my triggers.   I am aware of this, yet, I still let him trigger me.  I am the one that is changing and living with him has actually helped me with my clients in the things I have learned.  But sometimes it just gets plain exhausting having to 'manage' your life to be hypervigilent all the time.  Anyone relate?   

[Aurylian]

I am the one that is changing and living with him has actually helped me with my clients in the things I have learned.  But sometimes it just gets plain exhausting having to 'manage' your life to be hypervigilent all the time.  Anyone relate?   

Can totally relate.  I'm a worship leader at my church.  My wife comes in to service during or after the last song of worship almost every Sunday.  I have not confronted her on this because it actually makes it easier for me to focus on worship, but it is kind of odd.  While my current marriage was the product of my own flesh (wasn't listening to God), I can say that He has used it to help me grow way more than I probably would have in a "healthy" marriage. 

I try to be appreciative of that and use what I learn to help others.  Where I struggle is living in such a way as to use my life to glorify God despite my circumstances.  Just finished "You and Me Forever" by Francis and Lisa Chan.  Great book for placing marriage in the proper perspective.  Favorite quote: "There are many Christians caught up in their own personal satisfaction, giving no thought to the way in which their lives show a deep satisfaction in God."  Guilty, guilty, guilty . . . but forgiven and learning.

[amaris]

I try to be appreciative of that and use what I learn to help others.  Where I struggle is living in such a way as to use my life to glorify God despite my circumstances.  Just finished "You and Me Forever" by Francis and Lisa Chan.  Great book for placing marriage in the proper perspective.  Favorite quote: "There are many Christians caught up in their own personal satisfaction, giving no thought to the way in which their lives show a deep satisfaction in God."  Guilty, guilty, guilty . . . but forgiven and learning.

'

I hear you friend.  I wonder how many other Christians out there struggle with this and think they have somehow 'missed' God within the BPD world.  The only thing that helped me in this is just to detach from him and let him do his thing and me work on myself... .thankfully he does know my boundaries are up when it comes to this.  If I had to be a part of what he does when he is in public I simply could not endure it.  Only because it is not who he is with me.

[amaris]

I try to be appreciative of that and use what I learn to help others.  Where I struggle is living in such a way as to use my life to glorify God despite my circumstances.  Just finished "You and Me Forever" by Francis and Lisa Chan.  Great book for placing marriage in the proper perspective.  Favorite quote: "There are many Christians caught up in their own personal satisfaction, giving no thought to the way in which their lives show a deep satisfaction in God."  Guilty, guilty, guilty . . . but forgiven and learning.

'

I hear you friend.  I wonder how many other Christians out there struggle with this and think they have somehow 'missed' God within the BPD world.  The only thing that helped me in this is just to detach from him and let him do his thing and me work on myself... .thankfully he does know my boundaries are up when it comes to this.  If I had to be a part of what he does when he is in public I simply could not endure it.  Only because it is not who he is with me.