Need advice, a bit depressed

[Chosen]

So I thought things were getting steadily better between uBPDh and I over the past year or so, and recently we kind of unofficially thought of trying for a baby.  Not actively, just that I have stopped birth control and if anything happens, it happens.

Then today all of a sudden he sent me a message "I'm not sure about you anymore", and list out the things that I disappoint him.  It hurts me deeply.  Even though deep inside I think it may be due to the fear and uncertainty he feels about having kids (I have fear and insecurity too), I'm feeling depressed, like I thought our relationship waa better than it really is.

Can anyone give me insights?  I'm feeling kind of confused, depressed and lost right now.

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[NGU]

So I thought things were getting steadily better between uBPDh and I over the past year or so, and recently we kind of unofficially thought of trying for a baby.  Not actively, just that I have stopped birth control and if anything happens, it happens.

Then today all of a sudden he sent me a message "I'm not sure about you anymore", and list out the things that I disappoint him.  It hurts me deeply.  Even though deep inside I think it may be due to the fear and uncertainty he feels about having kids (I have fear and insecurity too), I'm feeling depressed, like I thought our relationship waa better than it really is.

Can anyone give me insights?  I'm feeling kind of confused, depressed and lost right now.

Hi Chosen.

I see you have 1,000+ posts, so sorry if you've explained your relationship already.

Am I correct in assuming this completely came from out of the blue after months of stability? Either way, is/was this normal behavior for him? More importantly, has his reactions been this harsh before?

[Chosen]

Hi, long story short: things were really bad 3 years ago, when I discovered this website and start following the tools.  It has been improving steadily, and for the past year or so there has been no major episodes (in the past it would be hours of verbal abuse, if not days, or worse).

Every once in a while he says stuff like he has low expectations already and I don't even meet those, that I care about him much less than he cares about me... .I mean, this is nothing compared to the stuff he says before.  However, as he still has that BPD trait, basically he just acts out in a less dramatic fashion, but you can see that his thinking hasn't changed... .when he is triggered by something (directly or remotely related to me), the blame is on me.

[NGU]

recently we kind of unofficially thought of trying for a baby

I normally try not to read too much into word structure when people write. Just like trying to be careful not to take text messages and tweets out of context.

But take a look at your phrasing. This doesn't sound like a hard-and-fast plan. I mention this because you say he gets triggered, which is obviously not surprising among borderlines. I would have to say that any plan for a child that isn't concrete could cause some anxiety.

So two questions: What has your communication been like regarding a future child? And are there any other recent situations between you that might have triggered him?

[Chosen]

It is unofficial because we don't have a concrete plan like some people, but we both decided that I would stop birth control, so I guess in both our minds it is an appropriate time to have a baby.  We have talked about it in the past and agree that at our ages it is appropriate to have a baby at this time.  Although having one later is also fine.

But the thing that change now is that it is becoming real.  We're not just talking about it.  I could really get pregnant and I suppose this triggered him.

Or it could be somehing else.  With pwBPDs you never know for sure.

[Notwendy]

Personally, I don't think that one can "plan" for a baby exactly. Stopping birth control is a plan, because the rest isn't entirely up to you. I mean, you have to do more than just stop birth control,  but if you are doing that part, the rest is up to chance. Unless the plan includes fertility drugs, ovulation detection, in vitro, then, if you are both in decent health the usual way to have a baby seems to have worked pretty well over the centuries.

I know that when I was having children, I knew I wanted to, but that was not without some anxiety about the process after all, I knew it would be a major change, and change- even good change- is scary in a sense. I'm sure my H had these feelings too, although I am not sure that he told me. He did paint me black at the time I was pregnant and having kids. I don't mean to scare you. I didn't know what was going on at the time, and I think I could have handled it better if I did. The children were wanted, but I assume he also felt some anxiety, and projected that on to me as the cause.

What can your H realistically contribute to being a father? What can you do to provide an emotionally safe atmoshere for them? I feel fortunate that my H is committed to providing for the family. This is a huge contribution. He is also good to the kids and doesn't rage at them. However, he refused to do much of the hands on work of raising kids like diapers, school stuff, watching them alone, getting up at night. If you listen to him, it sounds like he did this stuff, but I did 99+% of it. In retrospect, it was a blessing that I did it and not him. One reason I did it and didn't ask him to was that I was WOE at the time, but also because it provoked rages. I don't know if he could have avoided being provoked by the kids if he had to deal with the kid stuff for long.

Is your H able to help you take care of the kids? If not, can you hire sitters at times to get a break? I instinctually did this too, rather than ask my H to watch the kids. I did the bulk of the work, but moms need time to themselves, so thankfully I was able to access mothers morning out programs and teen/college age sitters if I needed personal time instead of asking my H. My father did the same thing. Growing up, I thought it was strange that we had sitters when mom (wBPD) didn't work, but I see now that this gave him peace of mind when he was at work and took the load off her.

My H was much better with the kids when they were over the diaper/feeding/being needy stage. He adores his kids. My H does not rage at the kids, which is important to me. I have done most of the emotional work, delt with most of the school stuff, homework, driving to school/activities. When I see dads in the carpool line, or on the ball field, or on field trips and school events, it reminds me that this is not how it works in our family. The kids' time with dad is usually them having fun like going to the movies together.

These texts may be your H's fears and anxieties about being a father now that the possibility here. I would listen and validate the fears, but not take it personally. He could be all on board again or persistantly anxious.

[waverider]

It could be this whole maybe will/maybe not approach that is triggering insecurities. pwBPd generally prefer to know if something is happening, or its not. maybes don't sit well.

Even if they fluctuate rapidly between yes/no. "Seeing what happens" is an alien concept. This shows as his general devaluation of you, which has always been his fall back when he feels insecure.

Maybe you need to firm up on definitely trying, with a clear fall back in case it turns out not to happen, just to avoid the blamefest and feeling of failure in case it doesn't work out. Which also takes the pressure off.

You know when it comes to the crunch he is unlikely to "kick you out" regardless of his doubts about your qualities. I wouldn't worry about that until such time that it is an impending reality

[Chosen]

You guys are right, it is an anxious process, I'm feeling the anxiety as well because you can never plan exactly when you have a baby (some people try for ages, others get pregnant easily... .).  I have no doubt that H will be a good father in terms of loving the kid, providing and doing his share of the work.  Practically speaking, I think he will do a great job, probably even better than me. 

However, obviously I am a bit worried that "what if he paints me black, blames me for having his kid" if one day he acts up and suddenly claims not to want kids anymore (like he claims not wanting to be with me)?  I mean, we have stopped birth control, so he knows that I could get pregnant when we have sex, and that doesn't seem to deter him... .but who knows when I actually get pregnant? 

[NGU]

However, obviously I am a bit worried that "what if he paints me black, blames me for having his kid" if one day he acts up and suddenly claims not to want kids anymore (like he claims not wanting to be with me)?  I mean, we have stopped birth control, so he knows that I could get pregnant when we have sex, and that doesn't seem to deter him... .but who knows when I actually get pregnant? 

Wow, that's a valid point. It would really su-k if he started blaming you for that. I imagine you'd have to brace for the possibility, which would not be fun if/when you get pregnant.

So your first post on this was 2 days ago. Has he backed off his "I'm not sure about you anymore" stance?

[waverider]

However, obviously I am a bit worried that "what if he paints me black, blames me for having his kid" if one day he acts up and suddenly claims not to want kids anymore (like he claims not wanting to be with me)?   

He has BPD, he IS going to do this at some stage, everyone gets blamed for everything eventually, including any kids. Assume it will happen and how you are going to deal with it.

A real issue is how is a father with BPD going to affect any kids, can you handle that? They will not have the tools you have learned the hard way.

[Chosen]

So your first post on this was 2 days ago. Has he backed off his "I'm not sure about you anymore" stance?

NGU,

I guess both of us are getting better at self-regulation, so bascially I didn't really retaliate with what he said, just 1 or 2 sentences of validation, and he didn't go on about that anymore.  He was also his usual self when he came home at night.  Obviously I was upset and I come on here to rant a bit, but at least I didn't have an outburst towards him, so credit to me too... .

waverider,

I do realise he's going to paint me black at some point... .it's getting less than before, but it still happens.  I guess I will just deal with it the way I deal with the other situations which I am painted black... .although I admit that every once in a while I flight back instead of SET/ DEARMAN, and things get worse... .I don't do that so often now though  , and even if I didn, things are never as bad as before. 

[misuniadziubek]

It could be this whole maybe will/maybe not approach that is triggering insecurities. pwBPd generally prefer to know if something is happening, or its not. maybes don't sit well.

Even if they fluctuate rapidly between yes/no. "Seeing what happens" is an alien concept. This shows as his general devaluation of you, which has always been his fall back when he feels insecure.

This exactly. Devaluation of you is a coping mechanism that shouldnt be internalised by you. It's not a reflection of the status of the relationship, but rather his feelings of insecurity about the situation. He might be ruminating for days and this releases some of that tension. The status and his general security in the relationship are better represented in your regular conversations. Is he talking honestly to you? Does he ever express his feelings in a constructive way? Do you feel like there is any trust issues?

You can't judge by one specific situation but rather through the bigger picture.

Hang in there. Things will always get tough for a bit, but as you well know, it doesn't last.