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bluejeans
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« on: March 17, 2015, 10:15:39 AM »

I will be going with my uBPDSO to her P on Friday morning. I want to bring up BPD. Any suggestions about how best to do this? I am nervous about it but still want to do it.
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LilHurt420
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« Reply #1 on: March 17, 2015, 10:20:24 AM »

I don't have any experience with this since my uBPDh refuses to go to therapy

Other's can answer this... .but does your SO now you suspect BPD?  If you've already discussed that with them then I'd bring it up.  If not I'd maybe wait a few session and ease into.  Maybe hint at it and let the therapist bring it up.
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« Reply #2 on: March 17, 2015, 10:32:05 AM »

I will be going with my uBPDSO to her P on Friday morning. I want to bring up BPD. Any suggestions about how best to do this? I am nervous about it but still want to do it.

Sounds risky.  Can you talk to the P offline and bring it up and then let them decide?  I could see this going very poorly. 

What do you think about contacting them offline?
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bluejeans
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« Reply #3 on: March 17, 2015, 03:09:15 PM »

I had met with her and her T a few weeks ago. After that I left a message with the T about my thoughts about her having BPD.  She has had one appt. since then but no word on whether it was brought up.

Her P told her 2 years ago she didn't have it. I know he doesn't know all that goes on with her. To me, it is so obvious, because I live with it.

After that I did call her P. There is no way to leave an actual voicemail message for him and when I called to see if he could call me back, through his receptionist, he never did. I am thinking about dropping off a written note to him.

As of this morning, it looks like she won't want me to go to this appt. after all. She is really raging.

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bluejeans
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« Reply #4 on: March 17, 2015, 03:29:57 PM »

I realize this is risky and most don't recommend it but I have put 8 plus years into this relationship so far.   Something has got to change (and I am working on myself, too).  WOE is me... .
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« Reply #5 on: March 17, 2015, 03:33:09 PM »

My opinion on this to encourage her to go to a doctor or T, and then leave the rest between them.  It's not your role to manage her illness or diagnosis.  You don't have the training, and all that will accomplish is exhaustion.  If the P wants to diagnose BPD - fine.  If not?  Well, look at it this way - at least she is going.  More than likely the P will listen to her talk about how much depression and anxiety she has, maybe start her on an antidepressant, and want to see her again in 2-3 weeks.  A BPD diagnosis probably wouldn't be issued until the P gets to know her, anyway.

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« Reply #6 on: March 17, 2015, 03:38:12 PM »

Has she signed consents for her P to talk to you? If she has not, then the P is not able to talk to you about her. She can also tell him that she doesn't want him to communicate with you. I once tried to contact my mother's P when I was younger and he apologetically said that he could not speak with me. As my parents became elderly, I was concerned about their care. My father signed waivers so that his doctor could speak to me, but my mother will not sign permission for her doctors to speak to me at all.

Also, you have to consider what your gf has told her P about you. Once I was talking to my fathers doctor and he had also been talking to my mother.  I joked about how he'd have to choose which one of us to believe.

Growing up, my mother and I didn't exactly have a warm and fuzzy relationship, and she would talk about me to some of her relatives. There have been times that I have wanted to tell them my view of things, but then, they have had an image of me, painted by my mother for years. I would present an alternative reality. They would then have to choose between her reality and mine, and since they were close to her, it didn't make sense to do this.

We are in couples T and I have not mentioned BPD even in private to her. To do so, in my H's eyes, would contaminate the sessions and he would not go at all. It is better for her to work with him and come to her own conclusions. I once tried to get him to come to a counselor with me, someone I had been going to, and when he got there, he refused to talk at all. I asked him why, and he said because he felt like the two of us were ganging up on him, which wasn't true. If only I knew about BPD then. He only agreed to see someone who he knew that I have not spoken to in private.

Your g/f P is a professional, and to get anywhere with her, she has to feel that she is in a safe place. Telling the P may interfere with that, and the g/f might not participate if the thinks you have spoken to the P.



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Loosestrife
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« Reply #7 on: March 17, 2015, 06:23:12 PM »

I had permission to talk to my partner's T, then  BPD diagnosis was made. T and me were both painted black. We never went to T again and I'm still suffering. My advice is keep out of it. Go for support and just listen.   
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bluejeans
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« Reply #8 on: March 17, 2015, 11:07:00 PM »

Thanks all. My frustration is that she has been going to a T and P just about her whole adult life (she's 51). She and I have gone to couples therapy a lot. She went with her other partners too before me. She has been given anti-depressants, anxiety drugs, etc. She has had this same P for at least 5 years. New T for the last 6 mos or so. I just don't see any improvement in any area. I actually think she may like therapy only because it gives her the opportunity to vent. She doesn't seem to want to learn how to do things differently. Whenever we were given new tools to use in couples therapy, she never used them, and seemed to completely forget any realizations she may have had in the session.

I don't know if she would give me permission to talk to her P separately. I have been in a few sessions with her over the years though. I can check that out.

I guess I can be grateful that she does try to work on herself, by at least going to these sessions. But things are as bad as they ever have been at the moment, so it seems hopeless. 



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waverider
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« Reply #9 on: March 18, 2015, 04:19:11 AM »

Some useful reading here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=76633.0
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MaybeSo
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« Reply #10 on: March 18, 2015, 01:04:32 PM »

Code:
Thanks all. My frustration is that she has been going to a T and P just about her whole adult life (she's 51).



So... .you have a lot of information already.


Are your expectations realistic?

When you say you are working on yourself... .a big part of that is radical acceptance of what is, and not what we wish for. 

If she continued as she is, are you able to take care of yourself and create a meaningful life for yourself... .just as things are right now?

Are you holding your breath waiting for her to change?
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Loosestrife
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« Reply #11 on: March 18, 2015, 03:02:01 PM »

Are you going to T on your own?
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bluejeans
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« Reply #12 on: March 18, 2015, 03:07:08 PM »

Code:
Thanks all. My frustration is that she has been going to a T and P just about her whole adult life (she's 51).



If she continued as she is, are you able to take care of yourself and create a meaningful life for yourself... .just as things are right now?

That is a great question. In the long run, I don't know... .




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bluejeans
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« Reply #13 on: March 18, 2015, 03:11:04 PM »

Are you going to T on your own?

Yes, I do go to my own T.

So, if I do go to her doctor with her on Friday, I will not bring it up, although I plan to ask some questions. 

I appreciate all the comments. I have a lot to think about. Next steps, etc.
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bluejeans
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« Reply #14 on: March 18, 2015, 03:17:03 PM »

Anyone have luck with getting him or her into DBT without the BPD diagnosis?

See, I can't give up on the idea of making something happen.
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MaybeSo
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« Reply #15 on: March 18, 2015, 03:47:38 PM »

Excerpt
Anyone have luck with getting him or her into DBT without the BPD diagnosis?

See, I can't give up on the idea of making something happen.

Honestly, if you are interested in DBT... .take a DBT class for yourself. Make something happen where you can, for yourself. There is TONS of DBT self help out there... .in books, CDs, online... .you name it, it's out there.  It's not JUST for people with BPD.  And it teaches life skills.  And self soothing. And living a life worth living... .even when things aren't as we wish they would be or as we think they should be.   The number one mistake I think we make, is putting all our focus outside of ourselves, onto someone else and what they are doing, or not doing,  as though that is going to be the key to our happiness or contentment.  It's not.  Believe me, it's not.  If you are interested in DBT... .do DBT for YOU. Get good at it.  Practice it.   Now that is change you actually have some control over. You will notice a difference in how you feel, you will notice a difference in you... . That is positive.  That is doable.  

Hoping someone else does DBT is putting someone else in charge of your own life.

As footnote... .when we get better, sometimes our partner's take interest in what we are learning and doing.  Sometimes they don't, but sometimes they do. Sometimes it gives them permission to put the focus on themselves, when they see us doing that.  If that doesn't happen, then you are still doing better yourself, so it's a win-win no matter what.
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waverider
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« Reply #16 on: March 18, 2015, 04:21:22 PM »

A successful and happy RS is not always dependent on the elimination of BPD. We can often make things worse by single minded focus on this. Working on reducing conflict and acceptance of a degree of dysfunctionality can make enormous steps forwards. Full treatment may follow the momentum of this or it may not, it may not even be necessary, as the treatment itself is not always smooth sailing.

As MaybeSo states working on yourself is the biggest improvement you can make, as well as providing a more encouraging environment to encourage others to work on them selves...
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bluejeans
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Posts: 92



« Reply #17 on: March 21, 2015, 10:59:17 AM »

So, I went with her to her P yesterday. Short 30 minute appt. I listened. Mostly about her meds. She has been very sick with bronchitis, not sleeping well, coughing, etc. so that took up a lot of the time. He gave her different meds to deal with that (better antibiotic).

I asked about the diagnosis. Bipolar 1. I said that it doesn't seem like that to me. He said she has it but doesn't have the severe depression.  She told him that she hasn't been treating people very well. I am glad she recognized that. He told her not to do anything this weekend except get her health back. Then later she can deal with other issues. She has another appt. next Thurs.

She came home yesterday after staying at a hotel since Monday night (at the hotel because she was mad at me, had tax return money, and was sick and needed rest) . She seems better in that she isn't raging. After the appt. she texted me "honey l love you... .sorry for all I've put you through."  i appreciated that. Although she did get upset about something last night but it didn't last long.

Whether I go to her next appt., I don't know. Whether I bring up BPD, I don't know. In the meantime, I am reading a lot here, reading SWOE, High Conflict Couple book, DBT skills, etc.

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Loosestrife
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« Reply #18 on: March 21, 2015, 05:42:41 PM »

Hi, glad it went okay and you got some kind of apology. Keep reading and posting  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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bluejeans
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Posts: 92



« Reply #19 on: March 28, 2015, 09:46:47 PM »

I wrote a letter to her P and delivered it a few days ago. I think she had a session yesterday but not sure so don't know if anything was different with her P. 

She got into a huge rage on Friday morning, one of the worst ever. It was related to me not doing what she wanted.  The details aren't really necessary. Anyway, I didn't respond to her texts or emails. Just the day before we were talking about how she was doing much better... .

I am out of town for a few days so I am not having any contact.  I just realized that she unfriended me on facebook. 
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« Reply #20 on: April 05, 2015, 12:49:44 PM »

She got into a huge rage on Friday morning, one of the worst ever. It was related to me not doing what she wanted.  The details aren't really necessary. Anyway, I didn't respond to her texts or emails. Just the day before we were talking about how she was doing much better... .

Not being controllable is leading to an extinction burst i.e. escalating irrational tantrum behavior. Good idea to let her cool of and avoid feeding this more. She may be doing better in general but encountering the first boundaries is never a drama free phase.

I am out of town for a few days so I am not having any contact.  I just realized that she unfriended me on facebook. 

Maybe we should have a rule - avoid having a FB relationship with your partner. This tool seems very easy to use and seems to have a disproportionate negative impact on the "unfriended" side.

Hang in there - Easter time can be stressful 
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