Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 04:38:48 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Depression = 72% of members
Take the test, read about the implications, and check out the remedies.
111
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: BPD wife is making me neurotic and destroying our marriage  (Read 791 times)
JLP

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 6


« on: March 17, 2015, 12:02:33 PM »

I am new here, I have been in love and now married to my wife who has BPD, she was sexually abused by her father and physically neglected by her mother, she truly had a horrific childhood, but is a high-functioning invisible borderline.  She has tormented me for years with promises not to leave, then leaving me, over and over.  It was bad before, but I did my best to help her, however therapy, meds, and spiritual help didn't work.  A pastoral counsellor even made a pass at her.  I have a daughter from a previous relationship that has now entered puberty, and she has identified with her and I has her father - she cannot stand to see us together and hates my daughter.  Yes, she has PTSD too and suffers terrible anxiety attacks when even my daughter's name is mentioned. We married three years ago, when she assured me that her issues were under control, and things went well since my daughter had not reached puberty.  When she did, all hell broke loose and I have been tormented ever since with allegations of impropriety towards my daughter, she even claims she knows I have lustful thoughts about my child.  We have never lived together due to these issues and she has been asking for a divorce ever since we married.  I haven't given it to her, I love this woman incredibly, and I wish to God that I didn't because it would be so much easier.  Now, I am in London working on a project for a few months and she has ceased all communication with me and said she is leaving me once again.  I am starting to think she is just evil, but at the same time I know how sick she really is.

I really do not know what to do at this point, her family is of no help and she has gotten no benefit to therapy, which I have found to essentially incompetent in dealing with these deep issues.  Any of your thoughts would be appreciated because I want to stay married but cannot live like this anymore.  I never know if I'm coming or going... .
Logged
RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Aurylian
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 1934



WWW
« Reply #1 on: March 17, 2015, 12:52:05 PM »

Glad you made it here.  There are some very experienced people who can offer great advice.

It is very tough when you are leveraged between your daughter and a BPDw.  Are you finding ways to protect your daughter while all this is going on?  I know it can seem overwhelming.
Logged

If you act like a victim and blame the other person, you're missing an opportunity to grow.

JLP

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 6


« Reply #2 on: March 17, 2015, 01:57:14 PM »

Thank you for responding.  My daughter has no contact with my wife, we live in separate homes, and she has gotten used to not seeing her so fortunately she is not being directly affected.  But I am made to feel guilty if my daughter even calls me or texts me while with my wife.  She has demanded that my phone be turned off while in her presence, just in case my daughter tries to contact me.  She very clearly has stated that "I am not going to compete with her!" She is not referring to affection and attention, shockingly, rather to a sexual relationship.  She is not able to conceive of a healthy father-daughter relationship without some element of perversion.  It really is disgusting, irrational, and frightening.  Since she was a sexual object of her father, she believes all fathers must have similar sick fantasies about their daughters.  Surprisingly, her own biological daughter, who is very beautiful, is of the same age as mine (14 years), wears makeup, skin-tight clothes, (has boys and some girls) in high school lusting over her, has her own iphone, goes out unsupervised, etc. 

She was not always like this, only until puberty hit.  Since then it has been hell on earth and I cannot see how this ever have a happy ending. 
Logged
JohnLove
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 571



« Reply #3 on: March 17, 2015, 03:25:03 PM »

Hello JLP, I'm sorry to hear of your pain and turmoil, i cant offer you any advice but I have a similar situation with my daughter (13years) and BPDgf. I wondered where this conflict is centred, and although there is no obvious sexual component in accusations toward me... .after reading your post I am now wondering if it's not just the attention and affection I show my daughter but it arises from something similar to your wife's acting out? Very disturbing and very sad.  :'(
Logged
JLP

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 6


« Reply #4 on: March 17, 2015, 03:50:11 PM »

I can't say.  My wife was terribly emotionally and physically, and at times, abandoned by her biological mother and had to survive, was raped at 16 by a family friend, abused by cousins, and then after the rape, "rescued" by her father (who had divorced the mother years earlier). He had remarried to a young wife, but immediately after taking his daughter in proceeded to sexually abuse her.  She still has a relationship with this animal and has hidden the abuse to "protect" her family.  What I have found is since she identifies me with her father and herself with my daughter, she directs an unmitigated amount of hostility at me by the mere fact, I believe because I am a father and also now married to her, a male family member - making me automatically an abuse suspect. 

This woman can be very, very kind, loving, and persuasive and is very successful at work and socially.  No one has any idea of the monster she is at home.  I frequently tell her how she treats every single person in her life with such decency, kindness, patience, and attention, and I receive an avalanche of hostility, verbal abuse, paranoid accusations, questioning of my integrity, threats to leave me, shutting me out emotionally, withholding sex (we are both young and healthy and have been intimate only 5 times last year) ignoring my needs, completely lacking in empathy, etc. 

I ask myself how can I still love this person after how I am treated, I feel like a fool that I stay in this relationship.  But the main issue is my innocent daughter who has no idea that she is the crux of the problem.  It seems that I may have to choose between having my wife or my child - which I should never have to choose between but if I must I choose my daughter, of course.  But I still love my wife and want to be married to the person I truly fell in love with.  I just don't know what to do anymore.
Logged
JLP

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 6


« Reply #5 on: March 17, 2015, 04:07:15 PM »

I forgot to mention that her father who abused her, has gotten away scot-free from all he has done.  He has had a successful second marriage, a good work life, enjoys the love and respect of his family, friends, and associates, and is actually a co-pastor in his church!  (Where he is highly esteemed) My wife's family has no idea of the suffering and madness that my wife and (more so I) have gone through because of his perverted crimes of selfishness against his own helpless daughter. 

I am so angry that I cannot be with the woman a truly love because of what this animal did to her.  I often tell my wife I want to turn him in as the statute of limitations has not yet run out on his crimes.  This is truly a case of children suffering the sins of their father.
Logged
Aurylian
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 1934



WWW
« Reply #6 on: March 17, 2015, 05:27:45 PM »

But I am made to feel guilty if my daughter even calls me or texts me while with my wife.  She has demanded that my phone be turned off while in her presence, just in case my daughter tries to contact me. 

Do you turn your phone off?  Remember that you are not responsible for her feelings or her acts.  And she has no power to make you feel anything.  You get to decide what you are willing to put up with. 
Logged

If you act like a victim and blame the other person, you're missing an opportunity to grow.

JLP

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 6


« Reply #7 on: March 17, 2015, 05:43:43 PM »

I do turn it off because if I don't concede it will immediately escalate to days of torture.  She truly sees my daughter as a competitor for her attention.  I feel extremely guilty ignoring my daughter while with my wife for the sake of maintaining some semblance of sanity. 
Logged
Aurylian
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 1934



WWW
« Reply #8 on: March 17, 2015, 05:53:39 PM »

I do turn it off because if I don't concede it will immediately escalate to days of torture.  She truly sees my daughter as a competitor for her attention.  I feel extremely guilty ignoring my daughter while with my wife for the sake of maintaining some semblance of sanity.  

I know (experience) that it does help to concede in the short term, but the lesson is learned that if she makes a big enough fuss she can get you to give up anything that is important to you.  I'm not saying you should have your phone on, but you should consider what things are important to you and don' t give up those things just to avoid conflict.  The conflict will likely arise anyway.  You need to decide in advance what you are willing to give up and what you are not.  Otherwise your self will get swallowed into the black hole.  You also won't be helping her in the mean time.

Example: my uBPDw threw crying fits because I would not allow her to track my cell phone.  In the context of our relationship I did not see how that was helpful.  I decided I was not willing to do that.  Yes, she fussed about it for days at four or five different times over the next few months.  Then it took about three months.  Now I only hear about it once a year. I also saw tantrums over my running with friends, my skiing with friends, and other various behaviors that were reasonable, but did not focus on her.  Eventually she learned that throwing fits did not get her what she wanted and she only does it rarely.  My being strong on what I will and will not give up has been good for both of us and has made things more peaceful (a bit).
Logged

If you act like a victim and blame the other person, you're missing an opportunity to grow.

JLP

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 6


« Reply #9 on: March 17, 2015, 06:07:30 PM »

Yes, you are correct.  But it is only a small symptom of the fundamental problem that has not been properly addressed: her identification with my daughter, I with her father, deeply established and dysfunctional perceptive, behavioural, and thinking processes stemming from her abuse and neglect.  I have taken her to PhD's in psychiatry, one specializing in CSA survivors.  She almost convinced this therapist that I should be a suspect of abusing my child given her ability to twist and distort reality.  She slammed two other master's level counsellors who were shocked by her ability to out-reason them in their own field, and as I mentioned a pastoral counsellor made a pass at her during counselling.  We have tried hypnotherapy which was ridiculous. We have tried prayers, I have prayed and prayed.  I just am at a loss what to do, but one thing I cannot get rid of is my deep love for this woman, despite all the negatives.  I just don't know what is left, and she has given up trying.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!