Wedding is on Saturday

[maxsterling]

The wedding is on Saturday. And there is MAJOR dysregulation going on.  It's not directed at me, mostly towards everyone else.  She hates everyone.  She hopes they all die.  She says all they do is take from her, and never help.  She screams, curses, thrashes, and cries.

Her best friend and maid of honor arrives at our house tomorrow.  Maybe that will help.  But for now, she simply is OBSESSING over details.  I mean, SMALL details that really have no relevance or whose relevance can't be known without a magic crystal ball.  She makes list after endless list of questions and things that need to get done.  She spends so much time making lists, then freaking out afterwards that nothing gets done.  I tell her to do nothing but take care of herself.  Instead she tries to manage and control everyone and everything around her.

I think the Xanax is making it worse.  She can pop a pill and be okay for a few hours.  When it wears off, all coping skills are gone and it's a complete panic attack.

Not sure at this point how this is going to happen.  She's spinning herself out of control.  It's not like there is much left to do.  I hope when her maid of honor comes, I can have the maid of honor distract her so that I can have time to tie up all the loose ends.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ColdEthyl]

*hugs* Max... .*hugs* I have no words. I've heard this language from my H when his anxiety is through the roof. I have no idea how to calm them down, I just let him run himself out.

[tjay933]

this may or may not help-bach's rescue remedy-homeopathic so take 15 min away from food. helps for anxiety, panic attacks, depression etc etc. can really calm the nerves. comes in a variety of methods-original is strongest.

[maxsterling]

I just spent half an hour on the phone with her, fingers crossed and knuckles white while I let her rant and scream on the way to therapy.  She will burn herself out eventually. 

Not sure what to do here.  If I were a psych, I would be trying to admit her to a hospital right now.  She even thinks she may need to go.  The only thing stopping her is this wedding... .

I knew dealing with a pwBPD and a wedding would be tough.  I just didn't think impossible.  This feels impossible.  Literally, I feel like I have done all I can regarding the communication and validation tools, getting her to therapy, AA meetings, and the like.  And the reality is (at least from my viewpoint) this isn't that stressful.  I'm stressed because I have poor boundaries against her distress.  But the wedding itself?  A lot to do, but could be much, much worse.

[Notwendy]

I am sorry Max. This has to be stressful for you and also for her. Imagine if someone with BPD has a poor sense of self- and now, she is going to be surrounded by so many people and worried what they will think. It could turn out to be just lovely.

My mother is actually good at entertaining, but heaven help you if you are there the day of the preparation. She once sent me to the store and I got the wrong soup with the wrong noodles in it. That was the end of the world. She stresses and freaks out the whole time, asking a million times- does this look OK, does this need more salt. Then, it all seems to go a lot better when it actually happens.

My H doesn't entertain, but if he has to give a talk at work, he will obsess for days over it, researchinfg every detail. It takes him days to prepare even a short speech and he freaks out over it. I didn't connect these two thing, but I think they are a similar response to having people look at you, and they think they are being judged for every little thing when actually people are just enjoying themselves and not caring about every little detail.

I hope it goes well, and if you can indulge me in some humor, maybe you can write the script for a movie:" My big fat BPD wedding".

[maxsterling]

Oh Wendy - I am sure that is the way this will be when it is all over.  Literally, there is not much left to do or plan for other than loading up the car.  Nothing more that can be done right now.  Yet, she is making things in her mind that need to be done.   Like wanting me to call a gift shop and asking what size their coloring books are so she can buy the right size gift bag for the children.  !  Literally, this was a BIG issue that took 15 minutes to discuss.  My thought?  There are only three children.  Buy several size bags at the dollar store, and whatever size we don't use will be fine for the next birthday party.  At worst, we are out 3 bucks. 

Next issue - water for our guests.  We are getting married outdoors at a place with limited facilities.  So we need to bring water for our guests.  Okay, I told her to buy enough water for everyone to have two bottles before dinner is served.  Easy.  We bring it, put it on ice.  Her?  That's a waste of plastic, and would rather have the caterer bring another dispenser just for water, or we buy a dispenser just for water.  My reply?  That's extra time, and extra stress.  Just buy the bottles of water and be done with it.

I know when it is all said and done it will work out and everyone will have a good time.  Any rude comments or unhappy guests are likely to only exist in her universe.  My sister tried to post a joke to her on facebook the other day.  W's thought?  My sister was making fun of her and she is s a stupid trashy C. 

She told me that we should have just taken the gift money and taken a trip to Spain or had a baby.  I told her I am not going to do either with her until she deals with her stress and anger.

[Crumbling]

   I hate that things have to be this way for you, Max.  Thanks for sharing.

Just some of my thoughts here:

Breathing.  When she is spinning out of control, it may be a good time to remind her to take some deep breathes.  A co-worker used to say to me: ":)eep breathly, C, deep breathly."  The funniness of the mixed up words would grab my attention, and I would instinctively take a deep breath.  May be worth a try.  Breathing deeply is a good way to bring down a panic attack.

Stay away when you need to Max.  Keep a distance whenever necessary.  You said so yourself, you don't have good boundaries here.  This is a good one to have. Leave when you feel you need to. 

To minimize the effects of you leaving on her in a moment of crisis, you could you ask her if it would help her if you leave, maybe when she isn't dysreg'ed?  Let her know you want to do what is best for her.  But let her know that you will leave, if need be.  It's safer that way for you, Max, and you need to take care of you.  You know what I mean, and use SET to execute.

Saturday probably feels like a long way off right now.  Oh, my heart goes out to you!  I'm sure having a friend around will be good for her.  It will be your chance to observe more and participate less... .we hope

Hang in there.  Things will be okay.

[Crumbling]

She told me that we should have just taken the gift money and taken a trip to Spain or had a baby.  I told her I am not going to do either with her until she deals with her stress and anger.

 

[Crumbling]

... .hum... .If I may suggest... .

What about talking to the best lady about guiding w into some 'me time' and pampering her?  Is that do-able?  It may help.

It sounds like she just really needs to get a grip on calming down, and taking things gently. 

Your thoughts?

[Crumbling]

I hope it goes well, and if you can indulge me in some humor, maybe you can write the script for a movie:" My big fat BPD wedding".

HAHAHAHA!  I'd watch it!

[OffRoad]

I'm sorry for your stress. Is it possible for you to show her a list of what IS done (flowers, caterers, site reserved, dress, etc) Maybe she would feel better to see that the necessities are taken care of. Kind of like, "OK, I know you are stressed. Lets go over this list and see what needs to be done." and make sure all of that list is already completed. She might try to add some more, but it will help to see how much is already done and has a check mark next to it.

And is there anything she wants done that she CAN assign to anyone else that is dependable? Like getting the water?

As an aside, have you tried Stress tabs (B-complex) for her? Worth their weight in gold for me.

[Sandman1881]

X-nax are bad news for me an uBPD. I have it. I hate it. If I take one I sleep in a comatosed state then find myself dropping well below baseline upon waking & then taking a couple-few days to recover.

I live on up to 90MG per day of IR adderall for ADD. Not sure came first the ADD or the BPD; having the combo surely blows chunks.

Nothing helps. NO thing!

Wishing our whole family progress. 

[Cat Familiar]

Max, Just hold on and enjoy the days before the wedding as much as you can. Time will go by faster than you can imagine and ultimately, it's just another day to bring together all the people you care most about.   

[maxsterling]

Well, I am on the sofa - and this is a good thing   the maid of honor is here, and she and W are sleeping in the bed.  So me and the cats - and I have been looking forward to this for weeks

Last night and this morning were major dysregulation.  Her dad sent a hurtful email.  She decided to send an even more hurtful email in reply.  I didn't stop her - it's not my battle.  Afterwards, she immediately dissociated like I have never seen before.  Literally staring off into space for an hour. Then this morning, I dragged her to her AA meeting.  In the car she blamed me for not stopping her from sending the email to her dad.  I told her it was not my place to get involved.  She exploded, and being in the car, I nearly lost it.  Got out of the car and said I was walking home.  She ran after me, grabbed me, said she was going to kill herself if I walked away.  I told her I would sit with her in her AA meeting, and afterwards I was taking her to the hospital.

The meeting helped calm her down, and she opened up to others about what was going on.  After the meeting, her friends really laid into her about letting go of resentments and anger and other peoples issues, and treating me better.  That helped a ton. She went out with a friend afterwards, then her aunt showed up, followed by her cousin.  And now she is back to talking about the wedding, and trying to have a baby again 

She has other support for her now.  The sofa is just fine.  My goal is to get through the wedding.  What follows is beyond the radar.  Baby?  Can't even approach that topic now. 

[maxsterling]

About her family - her cousin is here - likely another PD individual.  Her maid of honor beautiful soul but chronic pain/depression.  Her aunt?  Nice but neurotic.  Her whole can't seem to stay out of each others' business.  Other aunt and uncle fight all the time.  Her dad's issue seems to be depression, but biggest issue is being passive aggressive and the master of JADE. 

He sent an email to me the other day telling me how upset he was over his daughter and how he will break contact with her unless her behavior changes.  Okay.  Hard for me to read, but he also intentionally copied the email to an account that my W also reads in hopes that she would read it and somehow change.  Of course, W BLEW UP and I had to pick up the pieces, face the wrath and the suicide talk.  I emailed him back (privately) told him that whatever goes on between her and him I need to be left out of.  I told him he is more than welcome to talk to me privately, but I will not serve as some sort of go-between between him and her.  Remember a few weeks ago how W emailed him from a joint account and signed my name?  Well, that's about what he did the other night by sending something to me but copying her in hopes it would piss her off.   

I just need to remind myself of boundaries here... .

BTW, the sofa was NICE!

[takingandsending]

Hi Max. Well you will have stories to tell your grandkids, right? Wishing you and your wife a getting through it intact kind of wedding. You should consider writing a story about it for certain. Good luck and hang in there.

[Notwendy]

Be careful with those e mails.  I was the black child and my mother painted me black to many of her relatives. When I first learned about BPD, I tried to pull away from the family drama. My mother's family revolved around " what can we do for her? " After receiving an e mail from a relative, basically telling me what he thinks I should do for her, ( which means I had better do it ), I replied ( quite respectfully and with what I thought were reasons ( hello JADE) that I do not want to do this. Well, he forwarded that e mail on to another relative, who wrote an email saying something about me being the crazy one in the family and then someone hit "reply all" so this lovely e mail ended up coming back to me.  

E mails to one person in my family ended up with other people and were misinterpreted by them and used as evidence that I was the bad child. I had learned about BPD, but I was naive about boundaries. I thought well I will set a boundary and that would be it. I didn't know about the extinction burst. I also didn't know about family systems where if one person steps out of their position in the drama, this destablizes the family and they make an effort to get that person back into position. Clearly, I must have been quite useful as the "black child" to them.

So where did this lead to? A lot of hurt feelings for me. I didn't understand why they did what they did. I didn't know anything about JADE at the time, but I knew instinctually not to get involved or to reply to the e mails. I resisted the temptation to contact them to "prove" I was not crazy  but I knew that this would only add more drama. I let it be. At one point later the relative said to me " I think I understand why you felt that way now". That's about the best apology I think that person ( NPD) could do. Through codependency groups and the 12 steps I am not as reactive to my mother or her family and I'm not as upset by them as I was.

I guess what I learned the most is that e mails can go to anyone and be interpreted the way they want to see them. Be careful   when you write one.

[formflier]

 Hang in there Max! 

Not much longer until the big day!

FF

[Grey Kitty]

Hey Max,

Be sure to discuss in advance with the videographer whether to keep filming or stop filming should your wife be taken to the hospital in her wedding dress.   

Seriously, I wish you the best, and hope that things start to calm down a bit as the wedding approaches.

Hang in there and enjoy the sofa with the cats!

[Verbena]

My BPD daughter had some episodes leading up to her wedding--and a big one the morning of--but I have to say that your wife's BPD seems exceptionally severe and approaching a level that you will not be able to handle very soon if things don't get better.   

You mentioned taking her to the hospital after her raging email to her father,  her diassociating for an hour, and her raging at you in the car. I know you've said hospitalizations have never helped her before, but she is as good a candidate as I've ever heard of for a long-term hospitalization.  From everything you post here, it seems obvious that she needs around-the-clock psychiatric care. 

[KateCat]

My money is on everything going pretty, pretty well tomorrow. I think your wife will come through for you on this one day.

Best of luck!

[maxsterling]

Well, tonight was the "rehearsal dinner" hosted by her parents.  It went fantastic, everyone had a good time, W was as happy and engaged as I have ever seen her.  She even admitted as much.  Then a few hours later, she was back to obsessing, started on a rant about her stepmother, then her maid of honor cut her off and told her to let it go. 

Interestingly most of her family commented to me about how they have avoided talking to W because she seemed so stressed out the past few months.  Basically tried to tell me that they all fear her moods. 

[Theo41]

Max, Be glad you are not the focal point of her dysregulation.

Know that you will likey be the focal point once married.

If she is in AA, you should go to Alanon. Very helpful.

Think twice about having children until she has been through DBT therapy and has made enough progress to be considered heathy mentally. (Kids get hurt badly by the behavior of BPD parents. Good Mothers nurture, they don't disregulate and attack kids). I wish you well with your wedding and hope things will improve once the event begins to happen. Theo