Oh, how I can relate to feeling like this, like there's nothing you can do or say to make things right, how it's just a tangled mess of crap that keeps leading you to be hurt. I've been with my BPDh for over ten years, but he was only diagnosed about a year ago, so I've been through a lot, and I have felt this way more times than I care to remember. It isn't a nice place to be. I'm glad your sharing.
You're not alone, Kasina. There are many people here who have been where you are. And having people you can talk to and places to reach out for support are really important tools to use.
Maybe despite all of my reading and trying to validate due to the first few incidents he dismissives all of my logic n validation
When you're seen as black, or bad, by the person with BPD, they will lash out or withdraw, and this is more likely the reason he is being disrespectful of you, not because you caused it. I'm going to say it again, Kasina, because it's very true, and very important for your own self esteem. YOU DID NOT MAKE HIM THIS WAY.
It is so common to feel this way when your a nonBPD that the pros have a term for it: 'FOG'. This is when you feel
Fear
Obligation or
Guilt and you act based on these feelings. It really does feel like being in a fog, like everything is confusing and frustrating. It's so typical for us nons. Most of us go through this a lot. The good news is you can train yourself to recognize these feelings and be better prepared to deal with them. Mostly, know that it's normal and that if you act on these feelings, you may be making things worse. There are stories here on how people deal with this, just put FOG into the search site box under the green striped menu, and you get lots of info.
Mostly it's me apologising after him being passive aggressive about sth that I have no clue about so I keep second guessing all the time about what caused this fight or upset in his mood.
After we have an argument he believes that is all my fault by justifying it by his twisted thinking and when I try to talk or clarify he just straight forward ask mr to not he doesn't want me to take Blame apologise for it.
It makes sense that you would try defending yourself, and explaining your side of things. The sad part is, with BPD, doing these things will most likely make things worse. I don't know how or why this is, but it really does seem to be the case.
This is also studied by the pros and they have termed it JADEing. When you
Justify yourself,
Argue your point with the person,
Defend your actions and
Explain yourself; you will not be helping matters. I know, I know, it totally goes against logic, because we are taught to express ourselves and try to make ourselves understood. I struggle with this almost daily. Being able to recognize when you are doing it, is really tough, because it's such a natural thing to do. Again, the search site tool at the top can help you find more info on this.
Because of these beliefs that he has,I m very scared of bring myself around him.i don't joke or speak my mind to him cause he might think I m being very assertive .i don't talk about day to day things about him because he think I m judgmental ...
He Often asks me why do I like myself so much or why am u so confident in a very sarcastic tone... so I have changed alot just to not act invalidating ...
My self esteem has suffered alot.
The more you read other people's stories on here, the more you will see this is the biggest challenge in these types of r/s's - keeping your own self worth.
Last Christmas it hit home for me, just how much my confidence had shrunk. I was nothing more than an empty shell of emotional chaos, even lost a job because of it, which is a real blow for an over-achiever like me. At that point, I realized I need to stop focusing on my H and start directing my energy into me, and my life. I am not going to change or help him - it isn't in my power to do this. What is in my control is my life. I have a right to not be disrespected in my own home, and it has been a work in progress to get this to stop. And it never really does stop, you just learn to deal with it better, and to detach yourself from his words better.
I've only just begun this journey into self worth building. I'm sure there are others out there that have lots more advice to give than I, but I so encourage you to know what is right for you, what is important for you and what you need to do to keep yourself safe.
I gotta go, my BPDh is up now. I wish you all the best, Kasina, and keep sharing.
Welcome to bpdfamily!
