Taking a time out

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

When I start to get heated and say I need to take a break my uBPDw usually comes back with some sort of comment on how childish running away is.  I've tried to explain in the past that it's not childish to realize I need to cool off, but by that point she got what she wanted because the confrontation continues.

So my question is do most of you offer an explanation, or do you simply state you need to take a break and you can talk again in 30 minutes?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Riverrat]

I simply state that I need a time out, and grab my coat and leave. I basically ignore any comments as I am leaving. She will sometimes continue to rage or tear things up after I am gone... .but it is better she is alone. usualy a few hours later she is fine.

One recent time, I walked out, but she had an appointment in 3 hours I needed to drive her to. I went back home 2 hours later, and she was totally calm and fine. Even apologized (!) for her raging on the way to her appointment, while blaming us both--as usual. Then we had a decent conversation. She was able to "shift gears" and calm down that quickly.

Hard to believe sometimes  

[tjay933]

imo- once they start on the rage cycle there is no use to try to respond to anything they are saying-best to just take your leave stating you are going for a walk/drive and will be back in x minutes or will call her on your way back. then call to assess if she is still raging-if she is, then say you have another errand to run and will check back before you head home again.

[takingandsending]

It never hurts to do one quick validation, like "I can see you are upset" or "I understand that you are angry" followed up with "but I need to clear my head before I can discuss this any further. You are important to me and I want to talk about X with you. I will be back in 20 minutes." Why 20 minutes? The average time to move from our amygdala to our frontal cortex is 17 minutes. So I need at least that time for me. Usually, my wife takes double that, so I use 30 minute myself