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Author Topic: GF acts like 14yo on computer  (Read 448 times)
Riverrat
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« on: March 18, 2015, 12:26:00 PM »

Just wanted to ask if anyone has experienced childlike behavior in their SO.

My dBPDgf sits for HOURS on her interactive computer game, playing with teenagers and 20 somethings from across the world.

The disturbing part is she will giggle like a schoolgirl, fake laughter IMO, and make all kinds of comments, noises, even talking to herself. This goes on for hours most days. Even when we started watching a movie, she had to "check on her status" and never came back to finish the movie with me.

Now she's asked for my audio mic, and she talks to the other players while they play. She is always giddy laughing and saying schoolgirl stuff. These guys are all quite young, she is 36. It's a big time flirty session for her, and I can see she is the center of attention here--One guy even sent her his phone number, which she said was hilarious.

It does occupy her mind and time, which is a positive for me, esp. when I have to leave her alone. Perhaps it's better than her previous alcohol self medicating, which caused a lot of problems for her and our r/s.

Right now, the moaning, giddy laughter, fake expressions and comments from the other room are driving me crazy. Does she actually revert back to a 14yo when online with these games?

I've tried to take an interest in her gaming, but she pushes me away from anything to do with them.

Any similar experiences?
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« Reply #1 on: March 18, 2015, 01:22:13 PM »

 

Not uncommon for them to get obsessions.

Also not uncommon for them to pick something new to obsess about rather quickly... .and act as if they never cared about the last thing.

Right now my wife is really into a couple TV shows that she can watch from the computer... .so she can watch several episodes in a row... .

How much time is she spending doing this?
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Riverrat
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« Reply #2 on: March 18, 2015, 01:36:56 PM »

She is on winter break from work now... .12 hours not uncommon. Often til  3AM, but then she can sleep til noon at this point. I'm sure it will taper off when she returns to work, as she is normally diligent about getting enough sleep.

It's the child like behavior which concerns me the most. But she seems to be having an awesome time, based on her behavior. Our life is probably boring compared to this fantasy game.
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« Reply #3 on: March 18, 2015, 01:51:28 PM »

 

Can you invite her to do things that would alter that schedule some.  Take her on breakfast "date"... .or things that she may consider fun.

It's one thing if she has nothing else to do... .

But if she is checking out of life and relationships and living in another world... .well... .that is different.

ff
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« Reply #4 on: March 18, 2015, 01:53:48 PM »

Riverrat,

am speaking form personal experience. This is dangerous territory. I spend a ridiculous amount of time playing WoW (World of Warcraft, online gaming) with other people. I made a lot of friendships, laughed a lot, but I was also hiding.

I hid from my failing marriage. My ex and I were having problems, and I escaped into this reality. Everything I did was centered around my gaming schedule, which would be from the time I got up until the time I went to sleep.

There's a huge ratio difference between male and female players, I would say around 4:1 male and because of it, females get a lot of attention. A. LOT. You are behind a screen, playing a cute little character, and no one knows how old you are or what you look like. It's very safe and easy to fall into.

I was addicted to all of the attention I got, and I did develop emotional affairs with 3 men over the course of 8 years. It's not my proudest moment, and even though I haven't played in almost 5 years... .I still miss it like I miss cigarettes sometimes. It's crazy. It's super addicting.

I'm not trying to scare you and I'm sorry if I do, but I want you to know this can happen. My dBPDh now has told me for a year that I can play again if I want to, because I DO miss the friends I made there... .but I will not do it. I cannot. This is asking for trouble with my H and my marriage and I won't do it.
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Riverrat
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« Reply #5 on: March 18, 2015, 10:12:27 PM »

Thanks for the great insight!

formflier-She will take a break so we can go for a walk, shopping, etc. but is anxious to get back home to get behind computer. It may well be a phase, as she has played for years, but not to this intense level since we've been dating.

ColdEthyl- Thanks for the heads up. With few close friends around, i can see where these kids become her friends, and she can hide all her problems from them of course.  Great for you for standing your ground! I quit drinking in October 2014 to help SO, and even though I can drink if I want away from her--I will not do it! (I understand that concept!)  You mention emotional affairs-I've noticed that she gets many more texts during the day, so I'm wondering if they are 'gaming invites' or from the boys.

Actually, she acts so silly on line with them, it's really unattractive--to me anyway. If I came across a woman that acted like she does to them--I would run. But that is probably the 14yo in her, which I have seen on other occasions as well.

Thanks for the warning--I'll try to keep her busy with other activities when she is interested, and with her going back to work it may well taper off. At

least I know what to keep an eye out for. I could easily see how this could further erode our r/s. As I said elsewhere--it's like having a college roomate, not really a relationship.

To her credit, she did go shopping for a while with me today, and surprised me with an awesome dinner tonight. She has been quite pleasant today, and I even brought her home some flowers. But now she's being 14 on the computer, giggling and cheering on her Trenchwars teammates.
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« Reply #6 on: March 19, 2015, 08:13:22 AM »

 

Have you asked her what she enjoys about the games?

Really try to listen for the emotions behind what she says.

There may be some new activity you guys can do together that fulfills a need or want on her part.

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Riverrat
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« Reply #7 on: March 19, 2015, 10:22:45 AM »

 Great idea formflier!

After a rough start to our day this morning, almost to a rage, she calmed down and seemed almost remorseful on the way to work.

SHE brought up her gaming, telling me that while we were out yest, her squad was loosing matches, but after she rejoined them last night, they won 4 straight.

She mentioned that she enjoys talking with people from all over the world, and the fact that she is a 'star' player on her squad. I validated that and asked a few questions about language, time zone, etc.

I think that she is probably lonely for additional contact. She seems to handle me best in small doses, and also smothers the dog for attention. I'm sure lack of friends and a drivers license has her feeling kinda pinned down to the apt.

She has been on winter break for almost 3 weeks, and finally went back to work today. I think she was getting bored with staying at home or hanging with me.

We have another couple we go out with, so going to try to set something up for this weekend with them that she would enjoy.

Thanks for all the great suggestions. I did see some guilt after her outburst this AM. What works for me is just ignoring her bad comments and continuing to get ready. This seems to diffuse her and let her focus on getting ready for work.
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« Reply #8 on: March 19, 2015, 10:26:23 AM »

 

What is the status of MC or IC for either or both of you?

Smothering the dog with attention, spending way more time on gaming than with you... .

"Handling you in small doses... ." all point to big issues.

They will need to be uncorked at some point... .professional guidance is usually best
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Riverrat
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« Reply #9 on: March 19, 2015, 11:17:51 AM »

(Sorry post got so long--rambling a bit today)

I've been in weekly T for several years, even before we started dating about a year ago.  Relationship problems for me... .including bipolar ex that really rocked my confidence, and forced me to be workaholic. OR I should say "all I did in life was work" not for the money or title, but just to hide from everything else--dating, family, responsibilities, even from friends and fun.

Knew my dBPDgf for 10 years on and off. She came back into town, got into trouble with the law (DUI) called me for help and we started hanging out. That started idealization phase.  She did a little jail time this winter, and her Mom and I hired a T to visit her there. That's when she was diagnosed with sPTSD and BPD. She has not been told, only her Mom and I know. As is typical, she is 36, I am 53.

She was supposed to see T twice a week upon getting out, but went twice and quit going. Tried to get her back in but too many excuses and always ends in a fight. Mom and I were paying for T until insurance kicked in--The money for her next visit is still hanging on bulletin board that she looks at everyday.

We are all alone with her, as far as diagnosis. Everyone else thinks it's a drinking problem, and are so happy she has quit drinking. In reality, she never drank much at all--only when BPD was too much to bear and she self medicated. In reality, we didn't drink during the fall at all, but she "took a break" from me and left me before the holidays, and had a drunken night that ended in a bar fight and arrest.

What do you see as bigger issues? The dog, which a one low point she gave to me, then reclaimed later, has always been her best buddy. I "Get" to babysit the dog when she is on the road for work (or in jail). Or walk the dog when she is busy gaming... .Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

As of late, if we spend the whole weekend together, she seems to stress out about little things and pull away. Then pulls me back in later.

Superficially, we really don't have a bf/gf r/s.  No touching or intimacy. Sometimes she makes dinner for US, other days only for HER. WE do take lots of fun walks, do chores together, and go out to dinner, etc. Conversation with her is difficult, which she blames on me. She claims she would open up more if I would relax and be comfortable around her. I feel that is projection, as she puts HERSELF under the microscope. She seems to project a lot, as what she says is wrong with me, actually seems to be her issues.

Around friends and family, she plays off the perfect gf--and does share a bed, that is divided by blankets  . I playfully touched her shoulder last week, and she jumped up swearing at me and was gonna hit and kick me for it.

Her quote was "You need to be good for 50 days straight before I can be with you"

However, formflier, from what I've read, most of these traits seem pretty pwBPD to me.  I think the gaming thing shows her need to have friends and be popular. As ColdEthyl stated--She can hide behind the screen and be a little girl, or even be a little slutty with the guys online. She keeps the camera covered, and only uses the microphone.

As of late, her text ringtone has been going off constantly at all hours. She even answers when we are driving together. She has blamed it on newsgroups and bands that she follows, but she gets answers right back after texting. I suspect she is bombing someone out there---and I'm really not looking forward to triangulation. But what choice do I have? Can I set a boundary for that?

I have to provide most financial support for her and the dog, including apt. and I've bailed her out 3 times and paid for many of her lawyer fees and court ordered alcohol treatment. Plus drive her and the dog everywhere and buy whats needed for work. If it wasn't a pwBPD, I would feel like a sugar daddy--with no sugar! LoL.

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« Reply #10 on: March 19, 2015, 11:51:10 AM »

What I realize about my wife is that she obsesses over anything and everything to keep herself from her own emptiness and feelings of inadequacy.  It is obviously a black hole to her and why she throws herself into whatever her vice is in that moment. 
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formflier
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« Reply #11 on: March 19, 2015, 12:25:46 PM »

But what choice do I have? 

So... .what incentive does she have to go back to therapy or follow through with her agreement?

What is your role in this... ?  Where is this going?

I'm a bit new to your story... .so... need to get caught up a bit.

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Riverrat
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« Reply #12 on: March 19, 2015, 01:13:57 PM »

She has stated that she feels really empty inside at previous times. So it would make sense that the gaming gives her some satisfaction in that way. She is so busy on the game that she doesn't think about how things really are. I guess she does leave reality when doing that.

As far as T, she agreed to really try it when she was in jail, but after two visits cancelled future appointments. That was one of her bail conditions to me and her Mom, but she claims we need the money elsewhere, and she spends her time doing her court ordered  alcohol classes, and gaming.

She claims that sober she can fix herself, or at least 90% of it. I've tried to explain that her remaining sober is related to T as well. Even caused her to dys when I told her that our r/s success was tied to her getting some T.

My thought is she doesn't care about the T, but is scared to death of what it is going to bring out in her. She can't bring herself to look back to childhood--but often says she wants us to explore that.

She even went back to her childhood home, and we talked to the owner, and she wants to purchase it for our primary residence. Don't see how that will help her any tho... .

I don't really know where this is going, formflier, I'm trying to be the understanding bf, because I do love her. I have been living my own life, and just treating her like a roommate for the most part. Establishing a routine and schedule, and giving some structure. Even though we live together, we really don't interact in a normal r/s way.

My role is to live my life, try to keep a roof over all our heads, and take her out on occasion. Like most, I miss the beginning days of our r/s, but after much reading and T realize that this is where we are now, and I'm committed to making this work with her as we are at this point.  Yes, we have pretty much drained our finances, but while not her rescuer, she needs to save herself--I feel working things out with her is an important part of my future as well.

With what I've learned here, the raging is much less frequent and violent, and even her negative comments to me are fewer and farther apart. I believe that she does realize that I am with her no matter what, as I've never said I'm leaving her---and she has stopped threatening that to me.

Honestly, I could see where some would say she is just using me for housing, money, bail, etc.

but I really feel her interest SOMETIMES in a l/t r/s. She has dreams for us in the future, but others have broken promises to her soo many times. And I do come complete with trust issues as well, from ex's cheating on me while still in my r/s. That's why I'm worried because with her BPD, it wouldn't seem like cheating to her, and she seems to have limited boundaries with others.

As others have stated--If she left today would I feel relieved and move on with my life, or would my heart be broken and I'd miss her terribly. Probably some of each. We share a good many things, and I do respect and trust her judgement on a daily basis.

It's just when she rages, projects or makes really bad comments/criticizes me  that I really question staying.

And I've accepted that we won't go back to the idealization phase, but some middle ground involving respect and intimacy would be nice.
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« Reply #13 on: March 19, 2015, 03:59:19 PM »

 

Why was she allowed to back out on the promises she made to get bail money?

I'm trying to understand how this is helping her?
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Riverrat
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« Reply #14 on: March 19, 2015, 08:35:37 PM »

Good point, formflier.

I'm not sure how we can really enforce this. I did say that to her once, and she insisted DUI class was more important, and she will eventually go to therapy. Yeah, right... .

I feel if I try to force her with threats of taking away support, she will just revolt and rage. Not sure forcing her into T will really get her into it. She knows she has some problems, but feels she can work them through herself.

Yeah right... .

Actually, Her mom and I were hoping T might help her with her decisions, r/s (including mine and moms), and may help prevent her from raging and a possible relapse.

Any thoughts on how to get her back to T. She says she likes her therapist, and we are paying for it for her.

Interestingly, she said I should come with her to see T, So her Dr. could tell me to quit pressuring her into T!

Sheesh!
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« Reply #15 on: March 19, 2015, 10:03:39 PM »

uBPDw will watch a show on Netflix from start to finish in under two weeks.  I'm talking 40-50 episodes over the course of 10-12 days. 

She also has her non-networked games she plays on her kindle.  All the time.

I'd rather she get a job, but all in all its the lesser of two evils.  The greater evil is her being up my butt about anything and everything.

Gomez
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« Reply #16 on: March 19, 2015, 11:06:07 PM »

Interestingly, she said I should come with her to see T, So her Dr. could tell me to quit pressuring her into T!

Sheesh!

I'm assuming you took her up on this offer.  If you... .even better... .if you and her mom sit down with her mental health team... .and they are clear that she has no problems and doesn't need to be in therapy... .then... .that changes things.

OK... .before we go much further with chatting about your situation... .critical that you understand that my suggestions and questions are in two distinct phases. 

1.  Education and understanding of the right thing to do.

2.  Then taking action based on your understanding.

Dealing with BPD traits is a complex issue.  BPD family is a great resource to educate yourself.  Time spent learning and debating a best course of action is time well spent.  Please don't be in a hurry to change behaviors in your r/s until you are confident about what you are doing.

OK... .

Here is the thing.  This is just my opinion... .but... .I seem to have seen this pattern before. 

The current situation seems to be working for your GF. 

She makes agreements to get what she wants... .then proceeds to ignore the agreement... does what she wants... .and suffers no consequences as a result of breaking the agreement.  You are still in her life... .mom is there... she still plays her game... .

Do I understand the situation correctly... .or am I off base?

Please read the section of the lessons about how to best go about getting your loved one into therapy. 

I think it best to discuss how the lessons apply to this situation... .rather than me directly answering questions.

Not trying to dodge the question... .but I think getting you educated about the situation is most important at the moment... .IMO.

Last question:  Explain what she meant by "you have to be good for so many days... .before I can be with you"

Thanks for posting and sharing your story.  I'm especially glad to see you relating improvements to your r/s from what you have learned here.

Thanks

FF
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Riverrat
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« Reply #17 on: March 20, 2015, 03:24:06 PM »

Hi!

I have been reading ALOT of material on this since it came to light in January. So has her Mom, but I feel some guilt or responsibility on Moms part when i talk to her about it.

I will go and read the threads on Therapy, and then post back to you. I've read most of WOE, some things my T suggested, and a lot of online reading as well. Knowledge is power, and I'm comforted by similar posts, and trying to learn all I can. I have even joined a BPD support group and met with them a few times, but it's a good hours drive from my house.

Since her jail release a month ago, she has gone cold--no intimacy at all minimal touching, etc. Touched her hand tenderly one night and she pulled back right away. Then, as I posted, scratched her back once in bed, and she let me do it for a bit, then suddenly jumped up screaming swearing (What the heck!) at me and tried to kick me.

After that she went in a different room, came back about 15 min later saying "don't ever do that", and although "You've (Riverrat)been good for a few days,  but you need to be good for like 50 days before I show you anything".

I took this to mean she hadn't raged or DYSreg in a few days, which she typically blames on me.

Apparently withholding affection is part of her game plan as well. She freely calls me her boyfriend, and I get to play the part in public, but she hasn't really shown ANY love since back in Stage 1. Any attempt to hold her hand, even when out walking, is met with anger on her part. I have read that pwBPD just cannot tolerate intimacy/sex- and even during the realization phase, she usually had alcohol to help her through it, but it was very uncomfortable for us both--as I have read it is for many others as well.

I realize this is part of the disorder, I know she was sexually abused when young, and she claims a past bf was sodomizing her at night while she pretended to sleep.

I will continue to work on educating myself, so I can work on making things better, not worse!

It's coming up on a year since we started dating, but still hoping to stay with her.  
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« Reply #18 on: March 21, 2015, 10:33:44 PM »

Had the same issue with mine... .always at facebook games day and noght, in addition to 4 kids and full time work... .how is it possible. She told that she needs someting to keep her focused, improving her life, and i think better coping with her illness.
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« Reply #19 on: March 21, 2015, 10:55:04 PM »

Forgive me for being blunt, it almost sounds like you and her mom are parenting her. I often thought my ex was extremely childish also.  Has she had a good relationship with her mom previously?
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