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Author Topic: Conflict cycle … and a wishlist  (Read 414 times)
calmhope

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: living together for 5 years
Posts: 26



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« on: March 18, 2015, 01:48:25 PM »

I sometimes sense my high-functioning uBP partner growing distant in the days leading up to a conflict. If I (calmly, non-judgmentally) ask if there's anything he'd like to talk about, his response is usually curt—like "can't I just be in a bad mood without it always being about you?" or "i'm not going to argue with you!"—accompanied by an exasperated deep sigh, furrowed brow, set jaw, and often eyerolls. If I try to talk, he usually becomes volatile and irrational, and it's no better than just waiting for his emotions to culminate in an outburst in due time.

Two weeks ago we had one of those outbursts, and I attempted SET communication for the first time. I thought it went very well. There was no yelling! We arrived at a solution to what was bugging him! Rage averted! (Or so I thought.)

About a day later he started growing distant again. Ugh. We were right back to the curt replies and eye rolls.

One week ago we had the exact same conflict again. It was like Groundhog Day, if you're familiar with that movie. This really threw me off. I reminded him that we already came to an agreement, that I had agreed to give a little and he had agreed to give a little. (Frankly, I actually agreed to give even more than what he was asking for, just for good measure.) He denied that we came to an agreement, denied that I made any concessions at all, suggested that any concessions I was willing to make were "too little too late" and implied that our relationship was over.

I checked in with him a few times over the next day or so, assuring him of my commitment to work together on our relationship and inquiring about his level of commitment to the same. All he would say is that he wasn't sure (along with a few blaming quips and gaslighting). Yet he would never say that he was done with the relationship, and I sensed he wasn't. I suggested we put discussions on hold until we had time to think and were ready to talk calmly and productively about how to move forward. We didn't speak again for days.

Yesterday morning he looked at me and said "are we just never going to talk again?" I replied of course I want to talk, I just wanted to give him all the time he needs to think. He said he's given it a lot of thought and that he is still not sure if we should stay together. Interestingly he suggested that we talk again in a few days and that we each come up with three things we need from the other.

It seems like he's back at baseline (calm demeanor, and he considered the possibility of my needs). He can be quite a reasonable and caring person when he is at baseline: no irrational claims, no disproportionate negative emotions, and actually fairly decent conflict resolution skills. He usually still wants things on his terms, and doesn't take responsibility for his previous irrational actions when under the influence of rage. But otherwise he is reasonable and can even seem contrite. (I almost think he isn't aware of the conflicting things he says when he is dysregulated. Like an emotional blackout, often without the help of alcohol.)

So back to those three things we need from each other. I'm not sure if this is an ultimatum situation, and I feel a little nervous about it. But I also feel like it's a chance for me to deliver a relationship wishlist. That's kind of exciting. The only item I have on my wishlist so far is counseling—an "ask" that's been on my mind for a long time. I just have to plan how I'm going to phrase it. The other "asks" could be icing on the cake if we can agree to counseling.
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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Rapt Reader
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
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« Reply #1 on: March 19, 2015, 06:22:35 PM »

The only item I have on my wishlist so far is counseling—an "ask" that's been on my mind for a long time. I just have to plan how I'm going to phrase it. The other "asks" could be icing on the cake if we can agree to counseling.

I agree with you, calmhope; if you guys went to Counseling, that would really trump all the other items most likely  Being cool (click to insert in post)

Maybe make the other 2 items less "threatening" or "scary" to him, and if the Counseling makes him balk, the other 2 things might seem easier to accomplish 

Hang in there, and keep reading the links to the right-hand side of this page to further your understanding of how his mind works, and how to communicate with him better. Have you had the chance to check out the Feature Articles (also found under the 4 photos at the top of the Staying Board's thread listing page)? They would be a really good eye-opener for you, and might even give you some insights into your next 2 items on your wish list... .
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calmhope

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: living together for 5 years
Posts: 26



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« Reply #2 on: March 20, 2015, 02:06:00 PM »

Maybe make the other 2 items less "threatening" or "scary" to him, and if the Counseling makes him balk, the other 2 things might seem easier to accomplish 

Really good advice, Rapt Reader. Thank you.

As my discussion with my partner approaches (we agreed to talk this weekend), I find myself still struggling to find the right areas of focus (aside from counseling). Everything I want to address seems so potentially loaded and triggering, even though I think they are areas we both could benefit from considering.

Like intimacy. The first rageful outburst I experienced in this r/s was within the 1st year when I tried to address our waning intimacy and a desire for more affection. Intimacy is an issue that persists for both of us, and although I haven't raised it since that early conflict, he does raise it periodically. As with most issues we face, he is quick to project and shift the blame to me and so we are never able to truly work together.

Maybe I can keep it a little more lighthearted and also more concrete by asking for to start each day with a kiss, or to welcome each other home with a hug. Or something along those lines.

The other thing I'd like to consider is how disengaged we have become. The little time that we do spend together, his attention is usually on his smartphone or tablet … playing games? texting? connecting on social media? Probably all of the above. It drives me crazy and seems like a waste of time. I could be wrong about this, but I sense that he doesn't feel he gets enough validation from me, and, needing more, he turns to whoever he can reach virtually.

I suppose if it's validation he's seeking, then a "no electronics when spending time together" request might be too much for him. Maybe it should be something like daily walks together, since walking will hopefully interfere for texting, etc.

Any other thoughts here would be greatly appreciated!
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