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Author Topic: Who is more verbal in your relationship?  (Read 539 times)
calmhope

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« on: March 18, 2015, 06:02:45 PM »

In my case, I am an introvert and verbal processing can be challenging for me. I communicate better in writing or when I can quietly collect my thoughts before opening my mouth. While I am not a fan of conflict, I can be direct, honest and to the point when necessary.

My uBP partner, on the other hand, is a think-out-loud type. He is much more of an extrovert than me. Although he does sometimes get shut down and give me the silent treatment, he is generally a talker. Sometimes I get the sense that verbalizing is a necessary part of his thinking process.

If you looked at our cell phone bill, you'd see that he easily talks and texts 10 times more than I do. (Granted, I do not reach out to friends as much as I ought to.)

How about you and your partner? Who is more of a talker/verbal processor in the relationship? What about outside of your relationship, with others in your lives?
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« Reply #1 on: March 18, 2015, 06:47:29 PM »

In my case it is my BPDw.  I am relatively quiet, except in business or when hanging with my daughters.
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« Reply #2 on: March 18, 2015, 07:54:08 PM »

I'm sorry... .but this made me laugh... .really laugh!  When my husband and I first started to date, I was talkative... .not overly so (I'm really rather shy) but he said to me "don't you ever shut up?  You don't feel validated unless you're talking!"  HE is the one that never shuts up!  He talks to himself out loud all the time.  Even his son said it drives him crazy. 

In answer to your question... .I'm the quiet one.  He really doesn't shut up... .constantly jibber jabbering! LOL

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« Reply #3 on: March 18, 2015, 07:55:16 PM »

I used to be insecure and had to think everything through to the last before speaking up, by which time it was too late, or I was unprepared to then flow onto to any responses.

Since being here and learning to deal with BPD I have become more confident, and find myself more and more "winging it". Starting to talk without really working out what I am going to say. As a result it sounds more natural and confident, and I feel it. I tend to ramble less the more confident I get.

My partner is a talker and can have the longest inane phone conversations without actually saying anything remotely interesting or useful. Thinking aloud is a good description, and when I listen to it I can see how her mind is chaos as nothing seems structured or given any priority.  It seems to be driven by the need to talk rather than any need to impart anything of significance or interest to the other party.

Irrelevant too much information rambling back stories and preambles... dont you just love them at times  No concept of the short version...
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« Reply #4 on: March 18, 2015, 07:57:02 PM »

Oh, and I mumble to myself a lot... .drives her mad as she can't stand not knowing what i just said, even if I'm cursing the computer, which happens a lot.
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« Reply #5 on: March 18, 2015, 08:05:50 PM »

my BPD is much more verbal-to me at least. to others hes the quiet one.
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« Reply #6 on: March 18, 2015, 09:30:56 PM »

I am the quiet one in this relationship. I actually was attracted to my uBPD SO because he was a great talker. With my friends I am a good talker and they love to chat with me.

My ex husband was very quiet and I thought at that time it would be nice to be with someone who talks more.

There was a time about 3-4-5 years ago that my SO talked so much that it seemed like he was just lecturing me all the time. We broke up for 6 months and one of the stipulations I had if I was to return to the relationship, was that he not lecture me so much.

To his credit he is more aware of when he does this now but just recently due to a lot of stress he has been doing it again and cutting me off.

Since joining this site and doing a lot of reading on the subject I am learning how to speak when I am able and how to phrase things better.
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« Reply #7 on: March 18, 2015, 10:17:54 PM »

I am most definitely the more "wordy" of the 2 of us.  I'm a teacher and am good on my feet and in more formal situations.  This of course became a huge problem whenever my husband dysregulates.  He can't stand that I make sense and he can't.  And I have to admit that I screwed up for a long time by explaining and explaining thinking he would finally get it if I said it often enough in different ways that one would twig him.  It was JADE to the worst degree.  I now know how I made things worse and unfortunately, maybe due to the PTSD like symptoms that I am dealing with after so many years of rages, I'm almost afraid to speak much at all.  Not good either as I'm finding myself bottling a lot of stuff that I should be able to talk about.
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« Reply #8 on: March 19, 2015, 12:00:23 AM »

My BPD h is definitely the talkative one, in our relationship.  I don't feel like he really hears me when & if I get a chance, to talk.  I don't really talk a lot at home, when he is home.  It always seems to end badly. Sometimes I don't even feel like I am me anymore.  I don't think he knows who I am, but he thinks he know's everything I do, why I do it, and what a horrible person I am for doing it.  He never lets me get a word in edge wise, by the time I do, I either forgot what I was going to say or what I have to say is no longer relevant to the conversation.

When he is not home, or I am at work, or with my kids I am free to be myself.  Then I am more outgoing, relaxed and talkative. If I ever saw my friends I would include them in this group too.
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« Reply #9 on: March 20, 2015, 03:24:47 PM »

Littered amongst these many thoughts

A voice waits to be heard -

To cry out in the wilderness of discourse

"I am here! I have meaning!"

But slowly, unstoppably,

Sinks back into the ocean of silence -

A capsized vessel seeking

The embrace of the impenetrable ocean floor.

For a moment,

I thought I had something to say,

As the sound of your voice

Fills my ears once again.
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« Reply #10 on: March 20, 2015, 04:07:51 PM »

I AM a talker, but when it comes to my H... .he over talks me a lot. Often in fact, he's just talking AT me not TO me about random this and that. He's been getting better because I have started standing up for myself and being assertive. If he starts to cut me off, I'll say "excuse me, I was not finished yet. I know you are excited to say what your thought is, but I deserve to finish mine, too." he's been apologizing and letting me finish... .most of the time. A work in progress Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

I still let him ramble if he needs to from time to time. It seems like he gets his mind clogged with thoughts and needs to spit them all out.
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« Reply #11 on: March 20, 2015, 04:48:29 PM »

If talking were an Olympic sport my uBPDexgf would have several gold medals. Sometimes I think she talked because she didn't know how to stop.
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« Reply #12 on: March 20, 2015, 06:05:57 PM »

Its a vent for the chaos inside, to try to stop it can be detrimental. You just need to learn to disengage from it. It is talking to let stuff out, a need to talk rather than to communicate.
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« Reply #13 on: March 20, 2015, 06:11:39 PM »

The emotional response I experienced from reading your poem takingandsending speaks volumes to me about how I have no voice in my relationship.






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« Reply #14 on: March 20, 2015, 06:13:46 PM »

Littered amongst these many thoughts

A voice waits to be heard -

To cry out in the wilderness of discourse

"I am here! I have meaning!"

But slowly, unstoppably,

Sinks back into the ocean of silence -

A capsized vessel seeking

The embrace of the impenetrable ocean floor.

For a moment,

I thought I had something to say,

As the sound of your voice

Fills my ears once again.

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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takingandsending
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« Reply #15 on: March 20, 2015, 06:18:21 PM »

townhouse,

My kids have a manners book called "Excuse Me", where two parrots are together, and the one just YAK, YAK, YAK, YAKs. The beleaguered partner parrot ties a ribbon round its mate's beak and says, "Excuse me, now it's my turn to speak".

I wonder if there are BPD parrots?    Smiling (click to insert in post)

Still, owning my own stuff: it's not up to my wife to value what I have to say; it's up to me to value myself, my contributions, and my own voice.
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« Reply #16 on: March 20, 2015, 06:25:51 PM »

Its a vent for the chaos inside, to try to stop it can be detrimental. You just need to learn to disengage from it. It is talking to let stuff out, a need to talk rather than to communicate.

That would explain why my H, who is the talker, is also a non-stop maker of words and noises into the thin air, and why he continues to repeatedly talk out loud to our pet that recently died.  He's an impatient listener.

I’m more of a listener, even around our sons, my family of origin, and my friends, and often find it hard to word things just right.  I really enjoy the give and take of real conversations with them.

Years ago, there was a funny Facebook thing going around that asked, “If someone were to knock on your window in the middle of the night, who would you want it to be?”  My answer was “A good listener.”

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« Reply #17 on: March 20, 2015, 08:37:48 PM »

Its a vent for the chaos inside, to try to stop it can be detrimental. You just need to learn to disengage from it. It is talking to let stuff out, a need to talk rather than to communicate.

Whoa! Thank you for saying this! I really hadn't considered that. One thing I hate about all of this is that I had no idea what BPD is until 3 months after she was gone. I really must have been using the techniques for communicating with her unconsciously because I seemed to be able to calm her or help her to see a different side to the way she was thinking (which usually caused her some kind of rage). But I had never considered it might be because she was chaotic on the inside. And a lot of times I did just let her talk, I thought that's what she wanted so I just listened. Thanks wave rider.
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« Reply #18 on: March 21, 2015, 02:22:01 PM »

I had this conversation with my therapist a few weeks ago. I never realized how beaten down I was. I was talking with him about some of the things going on with my wife and I and he stopped me and asked why I always look down when I speak of her. I told him I was trying to find the words but he told me that typically people look up when they are trying to think of what to say.

That's what made me realize how bad I was. I couldn't look him in the eyes and talk about my wife because I was so ashamed of how I have allowed her to treat me. I was ashamed of myself for giving her that much power over me.

The funniest part is, I speak in front of people all the time. I interact with millionaires on a daily basis and I'm never intimidated by them. Start trying to talk to her about my feelings or about her to the therapist and I'm timid and scared.

I guess I wou say she talks more but it's usually one sided. We don't have two way conversations. According to her we do because she talks at me and I occasionally respond but my response doesn't determined what she says or how she says it most of the time. I've been told I try to solve her problems when she is venting instead of listening and letting her vent. If I try listening and not helping I've been told I'm just sitting there and not trying to talk to her or help her. Dammed if you do and if you don't.
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« Reply #19 on: March 21, 2015, 05:25:56 PM »

My girlfriend with BPD is extremely introverted. Really doesn't talk much unless she's been drinking. I'm almost positive she's an internalizer. I'm much more of an ambivert so how much I talk depends on the situation at the time. Though I do have a tendency to talk out loud when I'm sorting out my thoughts (always in private of course haha.)

I did notice that the one really major fight my girlfriend and I had she was extremely talkative. Accusatory, but talkative. I think that was a big turning point for her in our relationship Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). She was definitely in and out of relationships both long and short term before dating me and it appeared that she never had a "healthy fight" with someone.
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« Reply #20 on: March 22, 2015, 12:51:06 AM »

The funniest part is, I speak in front of people all the time. I interact with millionaires on a daily basis and I'm never intimidated by them. Start trying to talk to her about my feelings or about her to the therapist and I'm timid and scared.

Is that because when you talk to others you have a goal, a process to an end. When dealing with your wife you have no goal, as it is pointless, for there will be no conclusion or end. It will just continue on without a satisfactory conclusion. So you are ashamed because you have given in, completely out of ideas how to solve the problem?

The point of this forum is not to fix or provide an answer but to help support you in finding structure so that you have purpose and direction.
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« Reply #21 on: March 22, 2015, 07:01:15 AM »

I'm the more talkative one. However, over the years, I have trained myself to not speak and ignore the impulse to say what is on my mind. My H doesn't like this as he says he knows I am verbal and not being me. I have learned to eat meals in almost total silence. I feel sometimes like I am in a nunnery where we have taken a vow of silence.

I don't do this from a point of his comfort. I do it for me. I can not recall a time that I spoke to him from the heart and not regretted it, because to me it is pointless. Yes, it is still sad not to talk, but talking in circles getting nowhere seems to make things worse. To him though, he likes it. I think he likes to see me struggle to reach him while he sits isolated in his own pain perhaps, but still, he likes to see me try.

I said this to my T the other day. I feel defeated. I see no point in talking because it doesn't seem to make any difference. Yet, I am quite social and adepts at talking to others. I do socialize on my own, however, I have little desire to attend any kind of social situation with my H. It feels as if I am reluctantly dragging him out. Also, we don't talk the entire evening. I am talking with others the whole time.

We do better if we watch TV or go to a movie. Something where we don't talk. I think this is one of the most painful aspects of my marriage. I don't know how to communicate with him. I have hope in the sense that we get along on the surface. We can be married in the functional way, like the 1800's perhaps where marriage was a functional arrangement. However, I don't know if I can hope for anything more than that. It's depressing.
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« Reply #22 on: March 22, 2015, 11:33:36 AM »

I agree, Notwendy. That's where I am at with my marriage, marginally functional without much real hope for much more. At MC session yesterday, my wife said how she would really like to just spend 20 minutes each night connecting, 10 minutes for her, 10 minutes for me. We tried it last night. She spoke for about 25 minutes about all the things she did this past week - mostly about her EFT tapping classes and spiritual coaching work she is doing. There was almost nothing about our kids, things we might do together, basically any point of connection. She was happy after her 25 minutes and said, "I guess I should let you talk. I feel so uncomfortable talking the whole time." I felt that deep sense of rejection, that she really has no interest in anything heartfelt coming from me. But I did talk about some things that I wanted to do today, some for myself, some with her and the family. I made it an invitation, which received a lukewarm interest and was countered with work that we need to get done on the budget. Honestly, it's times like these, more so than the big blow up rages, that I lack the tools of self soothing and self love to know how to navigate. I am stuck on the rejection and the almost completely valueless relationship that we have.

Our MC did ask me how I was doing at the end of the session when my wife left for the restroom. She gave me props for my work on maintaining my boundaries. Nice to have someone in my corner.

But I did go see my S9's school 8th grade class do an excellent presentation of Shakespeare's "The Tempest" last night, and I am going for a hike with the boys this morning.  Smiling (click to insert in post)  Self love needed here.
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« Reply #23 on: March 22, 2015, 04:22:39 PM »



Excerpt
Is that because when you talk to others you have a goal, a process to an end.

Yes and no. Sometimes there is no goal other than conversation. At work I'm a completely different person, more assertive and vocal. She once complained, after attending a work function with me, "you act like two different people. You don't act this way at home. I don't like how you are around people you work with".

Excerpt
So you are ashamed because you have given in, completely out of ideas how to solve the problem?

For the most part yes. I crave normal intimate conversation. I really can't talk with her about anything personal anymore. I refuse to talk about my job because if I am venting she thinks I'm going to make rash decisions and quit. I can't talk about my feelings because she feels they are attacks. Even if a conversation starts out good it usually ends with her upset about something. I've started calling it "transactional conversation". We talk about the bills, the kids, general stuff but nothing really personal. She hates when I call it that.

I'm relearning everything I once knew. I helped create this by not having boundaries for 19 years. It will take time, I just hope I have the strength to endure. There is no instant gratification in this game.

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« Reply #24 on: March 22, 2015, 07:10:20 PM »

There is no instant gratification in this game.

This is a short, yet important, point that we all need to remember. Any instant gratification we do feel is normally short lived like an oasis in the desert. Be wary of over valuing it. Dont set yourself up for disappointment when it evaporates.
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« Reply #25 on: March 23, 2015, 04:29:57 AM »

My uBPDw is definitely more verbal than me. She's become even more verbal the latest years, while I have become more quiet in some ways. My wife is not comfortable with me being quiet at home, which is a problem we've just been "discussing". She wants to schedule 10 mins every evening that we should talk, a concept I'm not really comfortable with. I can be talkative when I find that the other person cares and listens, not when someone tells me to be.

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« Reply #26 on: March 23, 2015, 07:32:35 AM »

I think the scheduled time to talk is something that might work for busy couples. It's something I think I wanted or wished for. Some of my friends had scheduled times to talk or date night with their H's. We have tried this but it seems to fizzle out. One reason is that I haven't held up with my end of scheduling it, and making time for it.

The other is that my H doesn't respond to direct requests. It feels as if asking him directly will trigger his resistance. He may do it, but his usual response is to take some control of it- such as delaying it. Another tactic is to not do it himself and engage me in helping him somehow. I don't really get this one. I am much smaller than my H, yet somehow I can take out the trash just fine on my own. My H can too, but sometimes he asks me to help him hold the bag, or if there are two cans, he decides to take one and asks me to take the other. Once we were in the grocery store and he refused to push the cart, and insisted I do it. I don't get any of this.

So, we do not have scheduled talk time or other time. Now, if something interesting is going on- like a concert or event, he is happy to go along with it. He likes to eat out and go to the movies and will ask me to do that.

One thing I have noticed since being quieter is that he does talk more. Sometimes he will share things about himself. It is still centered on his feelings, and him. I have really diminished sharing mine as he can take this as an insult, but sometimes I do, and I focus on "I" statements, not the word "you" so that it isn't seen as an accusation.
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« Reply #27 on: March 23, 2015, 08:29:48 AM »

The energy spent talking about why they can't do something often far exceeds the effort it takes to actually do it. It is almost like an allergy or phobia to making physical effort times.

Involving us at times is almost so that we can be witness to their "doing things'. To just do it without witness or acknowledgement is simply alien. So it has to be talked about. Both the planning to do it, the actual doing it, and the acknowledgement after the fact. We have entire conversations about going to empty the dishwasher and an update when it has been done.
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« Reply #28 on: March 23, 2015, 10:31:34 AM »

Littered amongst these many thoughts

A voice waits to be heard -

To cry out in the wilderness of discourse

"I am here! I have meaning!"

But slowly, unstoppably,

Sinks back into the ocean of silence -

A capsized vessel seeking

The embrace of the impenetrable ocean floor.

For a moment,

I thought I had something to say,

As the sound of your voice

Fills my ears once again.

What a beautiful response, takingandsending. It hits home for me.

Still, owning my own stuff: it's not up to my wife to value what I have to say; it's up to me to value myself, my contributions, and my own voice.

This is hitting home for me, too. I am giving a lot of consideration lately to the fact that it's up to me alone to value myself, my contributions, and my own voice.

I'm the more talkative one. However, over the years, I have trained myself to not speak and ignore the impulse to say what is on my mind. My H doesn't like this as he says he knows I am verbal and not being me. I have learned to eat meals in almost total silence. I feel sometimes like I am in a nunnery where we have taken a vow of silence.

I don't do this from a point of his comfort. I do it for me. I can not recall a time that I spoke to him from the heart and not regretted it, because to me it is pointless. Yes, it is still sad not to talk, but talking in circles getting nowhere seems to make things worse. To him though, he likes it. I think he likes to see me struggle to reach him while he sits isolated in his own pain perhaps, but still, he likes to see me try.

Heartbreaking, Notwendy  :'( but I can understand and relate to your need to do this for yourself. I so relate to your regrets about speaking from the heart, talking in circles, and a sense that your H likes to see you struggle to try to reach him.

As a less talkative person myself, holding my tongue is often what comes naturally. Though, believe me, my uBPso has provoked startling mouthy reactions from me. At times I barely recognize myself.
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« Reply #29 on: March 23, 2015, 10:41:22 AM »

We had a small dysregulation this weekend over Netflix. I was watching a show, he was chattering about wanting to see what else they offer, like a catalog. He looked it up on his computer, and declared he had to login and how pissed off that made him. I used the word declare for a reason.

I was only half listening, but I told him sorry he couldn't see their stuff that sucked. Another 15 minutes go by and he has repeated this 3-4 times by now. Finally, he asks me if there's a way he can see it on the Ipad. I told him I'm sure he could but he would still have to login.

It still didn't quite click with me. I was distracted because I was trying to watch my show, darn it. Well, he starts a mini frenzy about wanting to see the catalog and finally a realize he was ASKING me to log into Netflix on my ipad for him so he could see.

He didn't ASK me. I'm supposed to extrapolate what he wants based on his declaration of not being able to login on his laptop. Once he started getting amped up and repeat himself over and over, and I realized I was using JADE language, I stopped what I was doing, looked at him, and listened. I was not listening before, I was only hearing. He said then that he was really excited about looking through there and seeing movies and such he wanted to share with me, and he got frustrated that they wanted him to log in.

I told him then I understand. He was excited about something, and I was not listening to him. Another good thing was when he started ramping up during the dysregulation and trying to get mean, I calmly told him it was ok for him to be angry. He has that right. He did not have the right to be mean to me, and I wouldn't participate in the conversation if he was going to get mean.

He calmed down, and stopped being mean. He didn't apologize but that's ok. I was proud of him for being able to self-soothe enough to speak to me respectfully.

These kinds of events show me over and over how difficult our communication can be. He doesn't always talk like this, but when he does I don't always get right away what his message is. Also, he also has a hard time understanding MY message, particularly if he's dysregulated.


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