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Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
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Author Topic: Final Straw for the camel (or is it a Llama ;) )  (Read 434 times)
Wordage

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7


« on: March 18, 2015, 08:20:21 PM »

(I am new here and love words so expect a lot of them, apologies beforehand)

I woke up this morning and started writing an email, with the intention of telling my uBPDh that I have had enough. Instead I found myself writing in second and third person about what I believe to be what I have turned into after 5yrs of marriage.

Where to start ...

I didnt know BPD existed until 2yrs ago, almost to the day, when out of frustration

I googled uBPDh's behaviour and got the 'diagnosis'.  When I presented him with this information he told me he already knew that, but no doctor was going  to tell him he had a mental illness and he had no intention of taking any psych meds.

When we first met, he was (and still is) very charming, good looking, very smart, funny, engaging, helpful - everything I was looking  for in a guy and within no time  he had asked me to marry him and the rest is history ...

Now, before we got married I would observe flashes of anger at things I hadnt even noticed, perceived slights from oblivious people, but I was so smitten  that I brushed them off. We didnt live together before marriage. I started noticing marked change when we moved to the part of the State where both our families live (albeit 40 miles apart) ... when we visited my family he would get very quiet  (after charming everyone) and he would wait until we left and then explode on me "this guy was looking at you", this person was staring at me, this person hugged you a nanosecond too long etc etc and we would spend the journey home arguing. I didnt understand why and I got confused cos none of it made any sense to me.

And then there is the impulse spending - his money just vanishes into thin air. If I didnt insist on  taking care of our joint finances nothing would ever be done. He can leave the house with a $1000 and come back hours later with nothing, and nothing to show for it citing he bought this for this person, paid for this for his parents etc etc

And the OCD - which is great when he is cleaning or cooking, not so great when he spends 3hrs getting ready to go to the store, or "finding" things wrong with the car and obsessing over it over and over until I want to scream.

And what  I jokingly call his "Messiah  Complex" - but its not funny, cos it has left us broke, it has left a lot of people waiting for hours for us to deliver something while he ran across town to take his brother somewhere and we inconvenienced hundreds of people.

And the paranoia - everybody everywhere is doing everything to derail or undermine or challenge or disprespect him in some way, shape or form.

I find ways to cope with it, I have managed this far, but the angry outbursts have broken this camel's back.

See, we now have a baby, and I have noticed that every time the temper roars in, our 1yr old is noticing and refusing to be touched by him and getting quite clingy with me. I swore to myself that I would never be in a relationship where the kids were scared of their fighting parents, yet  here I am.

I find that every conversation we have, I have to preface my contribution with " this is not a personal attack on you", or" this is not about you" or "dont take this personally" or when I am mad: "NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU" because clearly everything that happens in the known universe has to be in some way or other an attack on him and it makes him mad and then  ... and then I am always tiptoeing around his fragile temper and I cannot be or say anything without filtering it to the most "not about him" version and I am beyond tired.

His family is the secretive kind that doesnt talk about family outside of family,  and I am sure they knew about it but no one talks about it. On my family side, they have  over the years noticed the temper flare-ups but he never says anything in front of an audience, and he is ever so helpful and nice and giving and charming and every woman I know tells me how lucky I am. How can I then tell everyone that it is all on the surface?

The fear, the manipulation, the control, the guilt trips, the emotional and verbal abuse.

I never  once thought in my life I would feel the way I do with a person I'm supposed  to love and respect and share a life with, but this is a straw too many.

Ps: constant pleas to see a psychiatrist/psychologist has been met with promises, especially whenever I get to this point of saying I am done, but they are never fulfilled, as with everything else.

I know I am not crazy. I may feel like it, but I need to get away from this before I am in so deep that I can no longer find the woman I know is still in there.

So here we are. I came here to find solace in the company of people who may have answers, suggestions, moral support or just to lend an ear.



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calmhope

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: living together for 5 years
Posts: 26



WWW
« Reply #1 on: March 18, 2015, 10:02:35 PM »

Welcome Wordage! I'm pretty new here too, so I don't have a lot of wise insights to share yet. But I can relate to much of what you're going through with your H.

And what  I jokingly call his "Messiah  Complex" - but its not funny, cos it has left us broke, it has left a lot of people waiting for hours for us to deliver something while he ran across town to take his brother somewhere and we inconvenienced hundreds of people.



My uBPDso also seems to really thrive on being the hero … even at the expense of alienating others. His b/w thinking sometimes favors those who he can rescue … and devalues those who either don't appreciate the heroism enough or simply don't need the rescuing. I've seen him try to categorize me in both camps.

See, we now have a baby, and I have noticed that every time the temper roars in, our 1yr old is noticing and refusing to be touched by him and getting quite clingy with me. I swore to myself that I would never be in a relationship where the kids were scared of their fighting parents, yet  here I am.

I am so sorry to hear your H's temper is already affecting your child. Babies can be extremely perceptive.

Please feel free to share as many words as you like here. I'm finding it incredibly helpful to connect with people who share similar experiences and to learn what's worked (or failed miserably) for others in their relationships.
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tjay933
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 259



« Reply #2 on: March 18, 2015, 10:33:40 PM »

Wordage, welcome to the group   

don't know how to say this but did i just enter an alternate universe and you are really me? or at least where i was 9m ago? the issues you are dealing with were all the same for me. i got to the point where i had no choice but to leave to keep from completely losing myself. i no longer knew who i was anymore or what i was and wasn't allowed to think/feel/say/act. we were 10+ yrs. it wasn't our child that was fearful but our dog was. he could sense as my h went up the volcano and would come to hide behind me. i got to see the pattern through the dog. mine also withheld information that i should have been told before we got married but hindsight is 20/20. can't do anything about that now. what i can tell you based on my experience, there is nothing i could do to prevent the inevitable rage attacks. they came if i said yes or if i said no. it was all based on his perception of what he thought i'd done/said/thought/intended.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that you are among family here. we have all lived it, and survived. you can too. it's your decision if you want to stay or go but we will help you either way. you like words. that is good. writing is very therapeutic and it will help you to deal with what you are going through so please, write away and then keep writing.

you will find some very helpful lessons and information about the condition if you haven't already started learning about it. there are various book reviews to help you determine which book/s you would like to start reading up with. you can also get some of them at your local library-that's what i did. i've also just started in the moodgym from a link on this site. very good for helping to stabilize, understand our own mental health.

and don't forget to read other peoples stories (and chime in too) so you can see you are not the only one, just one of many and we all make up one big dysfunctional family and we love to hear from each other as this gives us all strength. and ask as many questions as you like. we'll try to answer what we can and if we can't we'll just be a warm hug until another can. there are no stupid questions here.
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Wordage

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7


« Reply #3 on: March 18, 2015, 10:35:12 PM »

Thank you, CalmHope,

Just writing those  words down here makes me feel a lot better knowing that it is now "out there" and not just in our house.

The hero complex is tiring, you're right. He can never say "No" to anyone and wants to always be perceived as the good guy, and having people "praise" him for doing stuff for them and then having me standing there waiting to do what I need to do but cant because  we have to accommodate all these other people, mainly strangers, is unfair to me and our baby.

My parents were married for 47yrs before dad passed and all us kids swear we never heard or saw any discord between them, not that they didnt have any, but they shielded us from it.

To say that I uttered my first swear word after marriage is not an exaggeration.

And note: He prides himself in teaching me how to verbally fight, cos I never used to participate in his baiting when  we first got married but it has gone to an extent that I am now one of those crazy peiple you can hear arguing  through the walls
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tjay933
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 259



« Reply #4 on: March 18, 2015, 10:39:05 PM »

Excerpt
I am now one of those crazy peiple you can hear arguing  thru the walls sad

same here except it was the wailing through the walls-he would shriek like a banshee. would never know it was a man making that noise. neighbours are much happier now.  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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Wordage

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7


« Reply #5 on: March 18, 2015, 10:49:27 PM »

Tjay933,

Thanks for the welcome, and kisses Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).

Suprising enough I had a friend who had Bipolar disorder and at first I thought that's what H had, but a milder case cos his tempers only last for a short span and then abates. He does get manic too especially about money or when on some ego trip but not prolonged.

I am glad (not sure if that's the right phrase) that someone else knows how I feel and I will ask questions, read (I love reading too) and do research. Its a shame i cannot ask him to come here and contribute but this would probably be the highest form of disrespect and exposure to him and he would probably never forgive me. Ah, well.

Question: How did you ever get the courage to walk away? I know the thought of abandonment scares the hell out of him and he will promise the moon if he even knows I have had enough. Tonight I cannot even bring myself to speak to him more than a few words ...
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Michelle27
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« Reply #6 on: March 18, 2015, 10:49:33 PM »

Your post brought me to tears as it hits close to home for me.  I left a physically abusive (and rather controlling) first husband in order for our daughter (then 5 years old) to not grow up with this warped idea of marriage.  6 months later I then met my current husband and it was almost love at first sight.  Knowing what I now know about BPD, I believe he created himself to be the person he could see I wanted/needed.  He managed to keep that up for about 7 years but then our world crashed when we found out his son from his first marriage had been sexually abused.  Over time, he became horribly emotionally abusive to not just me but the daughter I tried to save from abuse from my first marriage. The rages totally confused me because I had never experienced anything like that (my first husband was physically abusive, but I could see it coming, and the emotionally abusive rages I was subjected to with my 2nd husband were far more damaging to me).  Slowly over time my self esteem sunk to new lows and I finally had to emotionally "check out" of my marriage in order to protect myself.  Now that I am getting ME back, I am seriously angry about allowing so much crap to go on for so long that I allowed it to damage myself.  

My husband is also good looking, charming and to everyone else, seems like a great guy.  Heck, even the woman I now know he had a year long affair with (and 3 more years of online communication) told me what a great guy he was when I was struggling with whether I should stay in the relationship or not... . 

You really don't want your child growing up in that environment.  Obviously, I can't tell you what to do but that's my first piece of advice... .I see what it did to my daughter and it breaks my heart.  Knowing what I know now, I'm not sure I could ever become vulnerable and dependent in a relationship ever again, which makes me sad.  It's also why I'm doing so much work on myself and no matter what happens, I will never put myself in that kind of position again.
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calmhope

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: living together for 5 years
Posts: 26



WWW
« Reply #7 on: March 18, 2015, 10:55:41 PM »

I never used to participate in his baiting when  we first got married but it has gone to an extent that I am now one of those crazy peiple you can hear arguing  through the walls

I have a hard time dealing with being baited, too. My SO can get a rise out of me like no one else can. I'm generally a calm and easygoing person, and I can easily see others' POV, so I rarely see any point in arguing … except when I'm baited. I'm currently working on not figuring out ways to not engage with him when he jabs, grills, rages, fights, or otherwise baits me. Have you come across the concept of JADE (don't justify, argue, defend, or explain)?
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Wordage

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7


« Reply #8 on: March 19, 2015, 12:38:06 AM »

Calmhope:

Thank you, I like JADE ... I am not yet conversant with the lingo but will read through in the next  couple of days. Like you I am calm, rational, even tempered and approach arguments in a diplomatic manner. Somehow, being with him makes me question my sanity. Why else would something as basic as 'what do you want for dinner?' deteriorate to a full blown screamathon?

He baits me by questioning my intelligence, calling me cold and distant,  and even used the "if you loved me more you wouldn't mind that i did ... " during an arfument. Oh Lord
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tjay933
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 259



« Reply #9 on: March 19, 2015, 09:41:05 AM »

Excerpt
Question: How did you ever get the courage to walk away?

at the time i knew nothing of BPD. he kept insisting it was all my fault. that i needed to be a better wife so he wouldn't have to get mad. we'd (son & I) been removed from the house several times for a few days at a time to let him cool down (he got the luxury of the house and i was being punished at other peoples houses usually with nothing but the clothes i was wearing-or so it felt-while i was paying for everything financially). he would apologize with the "but . . it isn't my fault, it's yours". and the promises to change/get help. he didn't. we tried counsellors who said nothing about BPD which just reinforced to me that what he was telling me was right-it was all me. i did the best at being the best wife out there only to be told i wasn't even trying by him and compared to every other woman and how i'm not even a human. when there was nothing left of me to give and he kept on at me-don't know if i had a nervous breakdown or what but i knew that i'd rather be anything than with him. so i had to leave. it wasn't a choice for me. it had gone so far i couldn't tell what to order at mcds. it wasn't courage that caused me to leave it was ? no choice ? you aren't that far, so there may be hope for you. i think sometimes that maybe if even one of the counsellors had told me, then at least i wouldn't have believed his lies and manipulation and control. even now he is still trying to manipulate me and control me. no matter how many times i say no, it comes down to him continuing to insist and "ask" to change the no to a yes. it isn't that he really wants the yes, he just wants to break my boundary. i can see that now and can through his manipulation attempts. it still bothers me at times but i get over the trigger items he sends my way a bit quicker each time now.

glad to hear you like reading. it is very helpful for me too. and there's lots to read here. it's the applying that i have a hard time with. that takes time and practice. don't think i can practice on him-if he blows once more i don't know what i . . . can't think of that right now. it isn't happening so try not to think that way.

keep writing and stay safe. 
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Wordage

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 7


« Reply #10 on: March 19, 2015, 06:12:06 PM »

Michelle27,

Thanks for your reply and sorry you had to go through those two traumatic relationships. 7yrs? Thats a long time. I believe we see some signs but excuse them, for me I just couldnt figure his anger  out. It started slowly, so those isolated incidents make you think you're overreacting, and then when you do get angry you get told that it wasnt that big a deal. It is ok for him to get THAT  angry bit when you react by being angry then you're making a mountain out of a molehill.

When it dawned on me that I couldnt figure it out cos that's what mental illness is, reactions that dont make sense to you cos they are not operating under normal parameters, I was relieved, for the revelations. The notion that this is a lifetime situation only happened to me after I got to this site and realised that I do not want to be doing this 5yrs from now, 10 yrs from now. I had hope that it would get better, that the fog would lift and clarity could ensue, but ... .

I am glad things are easier for you and hope that your kids are doing good.

Thank you again for your reply
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Michelle27
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« Reply #11 on: March 19, 2015, 10:59:33 PM »

Michelle27,

Thanks for your reply and sorry you had to go through those two traumatic relationships. 7yrs? Thats a long time. I believe we see some signs but excuse them, for me I just couldnt figure his anger  out. It started slowly, so those isolated incidents make you think you're overreacting, and then when you do get angry you get told that it wasnt that big a deal. It is ok for him to get THAT  angry bit when you react by being angry then you're making a mountain out of a molehill.

When it dawned on me that I couldnt figure it out cos that's what mental illness is, reactions that dont make sense to you cos they are not operating under normal parameters, I was relieved, for the revelations. The notion that this is a lifetime situation only happened to me after I got to this site and realised that I do not want to be doing this 5yrs from now, 10 yrs from now. I had hope that it would get better, that the fog would lift and clarity could ensue, but ... .

I am glad things are easier for you and hope that your kids are doing good.

Thank you again for your reply

While things are better on the surface, they really aren't deep enough.  I just had this conversation with my husband yesterday after seeing an email his stepmom shared with me from him about how wonderful things are.  I am committed to standing by him while he works on his stuff for a limited time, and only if I see him aggressively working on it.  And, one more rage in my presence will cause it to be over because I simply can't handle another one.  My kids are doing better than I would have expected.  While my 20 year old is still enmeshed in a relationship with a mentally ill guy who isn't responsible at all and she wants to take care of him, she is actually starting an amazing journey of getting her life together with post secondary education.  And just yesterday, our 10 year old came home with a report card with straight A's.  My own career is doing amazing and I'm continuing a journey in which I've lost 140 lbs and have a little more to go. My life is good... .except for my relationship with my husband but I'm trying to focus on the positives instead of getting mired in the negatives as I did for so long. 
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