has she been with someone else?

[oneloveonelife]

I recently had a explosive argument with my partner who has BPD, she has gone back to her hometown and the other nights said she wanted to cut contact ... I went to write to her on Facebook and seen she was with a guy that i hadn't seen before and she had never mentioned him, i got funny with her about it n she told me she was moving and and she was finished with me ... A few days later shes saying she doesn't care about anything , parties booz guys nothing aapart from me and wanting to have a stable loving life together ... She claims she hasn't slept with him, apparently they spent the night together on the sofa at her aunties and her brother was there too but i have my doubts , , is there any advice someone can give on attempting to shed some light on this very awkward situation, any signs of behaviour change i should look out for etc

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Heldfast]

Just assume.she did,.you'll never know for sure. But she spent the night with a strange guy... .yeah, where's the trust there? Why would you trust her? Who the hell was he to her that he spent the night woth her? Sorry man, it sucks, it ___ing sucks. Once my blinders were off, after the relationship ws over, i think I got cheated on twice. Screw their lies. What are you going to do about it? What is she going to do about it? Will she get help? If not, welcome to this recurring behavior whenever you fight.

[newlifeBPDfree]

I recently had a explosive argument with my partner who has BPD, she has gone back to her hometown and the other nights said she wanted to cut contact ... I went to write to her on Facebook and seen she was with a guy that i hadn't seen before and she had never mentioned him, i got funny with her about it n she told me she was moving and and she was finished with me ... A few days later shes saying she doesn't care about anything , parties booz guys nothing aapart from me and wanting to have a stable loving life together ... She claims she hasn't slept with him, apparently they spent the night together on the sofa at her aunties and her brother was there too but i have my doubts , , is there any advice someone can give on attempting to shed some light on this very awkward situation, any signs of behaviour change i should look out for etc

I agree with Heldfast - assume she did.

My ex BPDh cheated on me for months, would not come home at night at all for days yet he insisted there is noting between the girl he was seeing and spending nights at her apartment. He claimed nothing ever happened until he finally fessed up... .

[JohnLove]

oneloveonelife, that is pretty crappy. You need more signs? You just told a scenario FULL of red flags. 

The "explosive" arguement. Who started that? If you did, we're you goaded into it? pwBPD can be subtly manipulative. If she wanted to be unfaithful, she only needed to "set up" a separation or disconnect in her mind to justify it without shame or guilt (based on disordered thinking) so that if she was caught out... .well, we were on a break. 

Wanting to cut contact?... .funny coincidence that... .her idea?, but why exactly?

With a guy?... .OK, nothing wrong with that... .but why wasn't that friend female?... .why had she never mentioned him?... .you got "funny" about it... .there isn't much funny about that, but I know what you mean... .and rather than provide honest answers to your direct questions, she wanted to wipe her hands of you?

A few days later when that orbiter or whoever he was either got what he wanted or viewed her as a dead end and left the picture and her dream didn't come true she was despondent and wanted to return to you and make the best of a relationship she messed up?... .smells like regret.

She hasn't "slept" with him, but she HAS slept with him. Platonic friendships usually involve sleeping in different beds or at least not sharing a sofa. Must be one enormous sofa.   ... .and her brother was there?... .like a chaperone?... .or someone who would cover for her as he is family?

Whatever happened has happened and isn't going anywhere.

You have documented a range of behaviour changes. You need some more?

I feel for you. I have my own story like this.  :'(

[zeus123]

one of the 9 traits of a BPD is cheating, they are impulsive. cheating for a BPD is a self fulfilling prophecy. BPD's have to cheat because that is the way that they are wired, you can't fix them.

[oneloveonelife]

Thank you all for your real talk. She has been shagging him and she said she wanted to try with him as its a fresh start and we've been through alot in a short time , having a miscarriage the week before She left . Then last night im getting messages saying she still loves me , shed choose me over anyone etc etc yet she cant keep her legs closed and its not even been a week . I told her to lay in the bed shes made n its not fair to be saying all this when youre with someone else . . So frustrating . Now shes saying shell cut him out if i move to where she is (a long way away) but really , i think that would be a bit silly to say the least having witnessed the true level of her loyalty and resect for our relationship. I get promiscuity is part of BPD but how much can a man take? And does it really qualify as an excuse? I love her to bits but Jesus im going to end up resenting her if i keep going with this . Not easy to leave her behind as ive been in suicidal states and lossing my mind as times so ive been a been like a supportive friend to her through all of this aswell,... And yes held fast shes dying for help and talks about it alot... Shes waiting on her diagnosis results at the moment. So limited until then ... And newlifeBPD sorry to hear that its ___ isnt it, ive had a few cheat on me in the past so i feel your pain., one of the worst things that can happen in a relationship . Johnlove she started it over me trying to be playful with her , it escalated from there and she pulled a knife out and one point , you hut the nail on the head as shes beggin me back now and i just cant do it i dont think i should . If you have been through anything like this i feel for you as this has been hell at times. And Zeus i know bout the traits it worried me when i first read up on her condition, its effed how people can do this and i get its a complex thing is BPD but i dont think islt makes it acceptable... Heart goes out to all of you . One love people

[Riverrat]

If it helps any... .I use this rational-->

She had many partners before me, and I just lump the recent cheating in with those.  I have told my SO that is a boundary for me, and if I CATCH her cheating we are done for good.

If I just suspect something is up, I kind of let it go for now, hard as it is. Sometimes I have been proven wrong by the facts. As you said, you are waiting for a diagnosis and treatment, so with a little luck, this may not be an issue for you in the far future.

Good luck! My ex was terrible at sleeping around, and it drove me nuts for years.

[willtimeheal]

People with BPD are compulsive liars. She may actually changed what happened in her head but I won't even doubt it... .She slept with him. My exBPDgf told me all the time she never cheated... .She lied. She cheated on me at least five times that I know of. They are liars... .She cheated.

[JohnLove]

, its effed how people can do this and i get its a complex thing is BPD but i dont think islt makes it acceptable... Heart goes out to all of you . One love people

It is very bad and no doublt you are feeling a range of complex emotions which you are fully entitled to. This would not be acceptable to me... .so I am not surprised it isn't to you either.

I draw the line at infidelity, physical or emotional cheating. I know relationships with a pwBPD are complicated, but it sounds as though you have a healthy boundary there. To take her back or to "forgive" or excuse her would only be seen to her as enabling. To move a long distance away while she is this untrustworthy (I wouldn't care what you have been through) is a recipe for disaster. When relationships are challenged... .it is up to the partners to pull together... .your relationship has been pulled apart.

I dont know how long you were together but good luck ever getting the trust back or any emotional intimacy. There are just some things a band aid won't fix.  

[Loosestrife]

If you have reason to suspect in a relationship then its doomed to start with