Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 06:41:37 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Books members most read
105
The High
Conflict Couple
Loving Someone with
Borderline Personality Disorder
Loving the
Self-Absorbed
Borderline Personality
Disorder Demystified

Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: uBPDw's Quotes from my Journal  (Read 387 times)
Oooohm
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married 22 years, 12 good....10 not so good
Posts: 96


« on: March 19, 2015, 04:27:00 PM »

Pulled these from my journal over the last 20 years. I wrote long, detailed descriptions of events along with my wife's quotes to make sure I "remembered" how things happen... .for my own sanity... .I'm sure you all understand. Most of these preceded a major dis-regulation episode. Most of the time caused by me JADEing instead of saying something neutral. The last quote on the list was the very first quote I wrote in my journal. It was during a very rare "moment of openness" early in our relationship (25 years. Married 22. Myself a "BPD aware" Non for 11 years), She has been guarded ever since.

No one has ever seen these, heard these, or has a clue they were ever said. She is a dynamic, intelligent, outgoing person in public. She wears her mask VERY well.

Let me know what you think.

“You ALWAYS…………(Fill in the blank) ! ”   

“You NEVER…………... (Fill in the blank) ! ”

“I would feel more passionate if you would… “ (Fill in the blank with 20 different things over the years that never actually worked… including a Vasectomy… Ouch)

“Everybody has credit card debt ! “

“Why would you get an Equity Line of Credit if you didn’t want me to use it…... whats wrong with YOU?  YOU NEED HELP !”

On her Birthday, after ignoring a friend's calls, texts, and e-mails for over a month, she said:

“She didn’t wish me a Happy Birthday…...   She has serious issues…… I’m so done with her !”

“I can’t work there anymore. Everyone is really mean to each other.”

Early in our marriage: Said to my parents visiting on a Saturday while I was working:

“He works all the time…… I think he is having an affair”

“I helped her all morning last weekend with the food for her Dad’s wake and waited a whole week for a Thank You…… got NOTHING and Your TELLING ME I SHOULD CALL HER TO SEE HOW SHE IS DOING ? YOUR JUST AS BAD AS SHE IS !  “

“STOP TELLING ME TO STOP SCREAMING !  I’M NOT SCREAMING ! YOUR SCREAMING ! “

“That’s not even close to what happened. You have a serious memory flaw”

“I love my new job! My boss is so smart. I’m going to like it there.” (1 Month pause... )  “I hate my job ! My boss is an A-hole !  I’M QUITTING ! “

Over the Years:

“We need a boat“  “We need a Time Share” “We need a Pool” “We need an off road Jeep” “We need a Ski resort Condo” “We need an SUV” “We need a diamond bracelet”    ……We?       

“Its 5:05 PM. Where are YOU ? ! “

“I’m thinking we should open a bar. I don’t think it would cost much and we have a really good time at the Pub. Right?”

“I just spent an hour scolding our Daughter… Now YOU need to SCREAM AT HER ! “

“I’m not sure you know what you’re doing…….How do you know what you’re doing? Maybe the instructions are wrong. How do YOU know?”

“It was on sale…... so I saved us lots of money”

“If you really loved me you would have KNOWN THAT ! “

“I want a divorce because you don’t care anymore when I say “I want a divorce.” ”

“I spent a whole day consoling her when her husband left her…. Then she TOOK HIM BACK ! I’m never talking to HER AGAIN ! “

“Do you Love me? awwww... you DO?……... NO YOU DON’T !”

“I hurt inside like a cut so I used to cut myself to stop the hurt……... ”
Logged
RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Wrongturn1
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Posts: 591



« Reply #1 on: March 19, 2015, 04:42:15 PM »

Ooohm:  Welcome, and congrats(?) to you on surviving 22 years of marriage to a BPD!  Smiling (click to insert in post)

My favorite quote you posted was: “I want a divorce because you don’t care anymore when I say “I want a divorce.” ”  This one made me LOL, and also cringe a little bit b/c I think I'll soon get the same threat from my uBPDw, except substitute suicide (threat) for divorce.

I'm surprised you were able to keep a journal for 20 years without your BPD wife reading all of it... .or has she read it?

Also, what are the best pearls of wisdom you have picked up in the past 11 years as a BPD-aware non?  For reference, I've been married 17 years to my uBPDw and a BPD-aware non for 3 years.
Logged
Oooohm
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married 22 years, 12 good....10 not so good
Posts: 96


« Reply #2 on: March 19, 2015, 06:03:02 PM »

Wrongturn1,

NO she has never read it. The quotes are from over 25 years, I used to keep a small notepad hidden in my work truck starting 20 years ago then switched to my Laptop in 2003. It's less of a journal and more of a record of the "bad moments".

I made the mistake once of leaving a highlighted copy of "walking on eggshells" in my workshop in 2005. She found it. Didn't go over well.  I was in a bad place emotionally at that time (BPD aware + 9 months) so I really didn't care.

I need to be clear... .  My wife is High Functioning, extremely intelligent, with a great sense of humor. For the first 13 years with what I thought was the woman I fell in love with, (Passionate, sensitive, funny, sexy... .with "Quirky" logic, moderate anger issues, and a strange way of remembering things) who made me feel lucky to be with her... .Turned out to be someone completely different.  It DESTROYED me... .  "Take the red pill and go back to living your life"  with the imploding friendships, the jobs that only lasted 3 to 5 months in a good year, and the EPIQUE, EPIQUE battles that lasted hours into the morning... .(Never boring I must say)  or "Take the blue pill and step thru the looking glass"

I went to 3 different Ts over a 12 month period (Secretly). Read every thing I could get my hands on. In 2005 there were very few books, Minimal on-line presence, and 2 of Ts had no Idea what BPD was. (The 3rd new... .advised me  "To get out... .GET OUT NOW!"

Cried and grieved for the loss of my "Reality" and the loss of who I thought my wife was. I felt duped, betrayed, angry, sad, depressed. I Felt alone... .so alone. I couldn't talk to my friends (They all loved her), Couldn't talk to my family (They all loved her... .and wouldn't believe me), Couldn't talk to my workers or clients (Seriously I would have lost all respect).

I finally found this forum in its very younger days and started reading... .and reading... .and reading. It helped A LOT. I never posted but I felt "a part of something... .not alone". It made me realize there are different levels of the disorder and that I wasn't experiencing it as bad as some others.  Sort of gave me hope. Starting being less depressed. Took up a couple hobbies with some good friends, Stopped working crazy amounts of hours to keep up financially, took back the household bookkeeping, focused on the kids more... .(Was determined to stop the cycle!  Her Mom, Her Grand mother, ETC.)... .

But most importantly... .  More than anything else... .  I STOPPED BEING PART OF THE PROBLEM !

Didn't happen over night. Took a lot of intraspection...   looking in the mirror... .figuring out why I was who I was. How I was part of the problem.

Took years and I'm still not done but I can honestly say I have been in a solidly good place for 4 or 5 years now.

The Ts I saw in the begining didn't help at all because they wanted to help ME and I wanted to "FIX MY WIFE"... .  One of my many problems.

Finally realized years after (bout 2009-2010), after "4 or 5 years of pulling it together and wearing my own fake smile "Mask", not JADEing, and trying all the techniques and feeling slightly dead inside, that my wife, the woman I fell in love with and married, was actually... .Passionate, sensitive, funny, sexy... .with "Quirky" logic, moderate anger issues, and a strange way of remembering things.

We still battle... .but now its once or twice a year instead of twice a week.

Hope that helped.
Logged
Wrongturn1
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Posts: 591



« Reply #3 on: March 20, 2015, 09:22:13 AM »

I see; I imagine she would be keen to read it if she knew you had been keeping any records of your thoughts.

Your situation seems very similar to mine.  My uBPDw is generally high-functioning and an "invisible borderline".  She presents a happy public image that is very much inconsistent with the person who exists behind closed doors.  I also don't have anyone in my life I can speak with about this, and it is difficult having no support system in the real world. 

Thanks for sharing about your journey of not making things worse and figuring out which issues within yourself you needed to resolve.  I'm in the process of that as well, and it seems to be helping in general, although things have been pretty rough the past couple of weeks.
Logged
Oooohm
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married 22 years, 12 good....10 not so good
Posts: 96


« Reply #4 on: March 20, 2015, 09:52:05 AM »

Also, what are the best pearls of wisdom you have picked up in the past 11 years as a BPD-aware non?  For reference, I've been married 17 years to my uBPDw and a BPD-aware non for 3 years.

I try not to give advise anymore unless asked. It was a big part of my problem in our marriage early on. I was raised by a father who never failed to give unsolicited advice about what ever I was doing (Reminding me I was never doing anything right).

It also fostered a hate for Hypocrites in my adult years because he never followed his own advice. (Try having a loving relationship with a pwBPD when you deep down inside hate hypocrisy.)

What I finally realized, after years of introspection, is there is many forms of Hypocrisy and I shouldn't judge or react negatively to all forms. (My father was trying, in his own dysfunctional way, to tell me ":)on't make the mistakes I always make" (My wife's hypocrisy always came from dis-ordered thinking, projection, and splitting... . not her fault... .not done with malice or on purpose)

What I can tell you... .What worked for me... . I stopped "giving unsolicited advice", stopped trying to "fix her". All she heard was: "You screwed up again and I don't care about you anymore".

I have read all the books, all the articles, all the forums, for quite some time. 2 Things I will tell you... . Tell you all... .

1. Don't focus so hard on the ":)isorder", or "Categorizing behavior"  that you lose sight of the person you love.

From what I've learned, from the mistakes I made: Don't assume you can "understand" your BPDSO by reading. BPD presents itself differently, functions differently, in every individual that has it. It is a form of "Arrested Development". Like saying "every 2 to 6 year old in the world are exactly the same"... .  Be informed but don't "Lock on" to any of the criteria.

One of my wife's quotes which resonates with me to this day... .During a moment of normalcy... ."You were an A-hole just then! I'm a PERSON and have a right to be angry."

2. Getting back to "Arrested Development". When I learned about BPD, read everything, hoped I could find something that would "cure her", help me understand, help me not be part of the problem, start making sure my 4 and 6 year olds grew up well adjusted. Everything I tried failed. (Mostly because I was "implementing" incorrectly... .still needed a lot of self work and practice). The more I read... .the more hopeless it seemed to become... .I gave up... .Started focusing on my kids... .started reading articles about child rearing... .instilling self worth in your child... .How to, as a loved one, nurture them, not "Screw them up"... .     Then it all "clicked" !    Almost every child between the ages of 2 and 6 can be "diagnosed" with many of the criteria for BPD!  

Let me be VERY clear... . I do not advocate treating your SO like a 6 year old child! That would NOT be good. The lessons I learned on child rearing had more to do with identifying, and changing MY RESPONSES TO SITUATIONS rather than "Who they are, or how they think as children".

Logged
Wrongturn1
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
Posts: 591



« Reply #5 on: March 20, 2015, 01:02:42 PM »

1. Don't focus so hard on the ":)isorder", or "Categorizing behavior"  that you lose sight of the person you love.

Thanks for the advice - definitely not unsolicited. Smiling (click to insert in post)

You raise a very important point here; it is all to easy for me to lose sight of the person I love due to focusing on the disorder.  With my uBPDw, the vast majority of her behavior can be understood via the BPD criteria/symptoms, so I often find myself mentally "checking boxes" when listening to her monologues about one subject or another... .I'm thinking while she speaks, "yep, that's fear of abandonment, emotional dysregulation, paranoia, self-loathing, and negativity right there; I should look for some feeling to validate at this point, then be prepared to walk away if she gets abusive"... .and I easily forget that there is a person I love in front of me in a state of intense suffering. 

Definitely something for me to think about and work on.

Logged
ColdEthyl
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married 2 years
Posts: 1277


« Reply #6 on: March 20, 2015, 01:12:18 PM »

Ooohm thanks for sharing these! I hear a lot of the same things that you do, and it's always a relief to know you are not the only one.

My H does the ALWAYS and NEVERs, but recently he has declared that we need a kayak. We. Need. a kayak.
Logged
ShadowIntheNight
****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
Posts: 442


« Reply #7 on: March 20, 2015, 05:02:06 PM »

It's interesting what you said about the birthday. My uBPDexgf broke up with me in a type written note inside of my birthday card last summer. We had been together 9.5 yrs (lived in different cities). She wrote by hand that she wanted to make sure I had a card from her on my birthday (how thoughtful considering the enclosure). Her birthday was about 2 weeks later. Since she ended our relationship I felt no need in wishing her a happy birthday. I wondered at the time if she would even notice. I also surmised that she probably did and would be totally pissed that I had ignored her, only because, I'm sure in her mind she had been "thoughtful" enough to acknowledge mine. Looking at your wife's quote leads me to believe that I am probably correct.

She always loved being adored by everyone on her birthday. She would be dense enough to think I should acknowledge her in spite of her actions.
Logged
Oooohm
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married 22 years, 12 good....10 not so good
Posts: 96


« Reply #8 on: March 22, 2015, 08:32:33 AM »

YEP... .My least favorite day of the year... .My wife's birthday... followed by Valentines day... .our anniversary... .etc.

I do remember a time in my life when "looking at a calendar" wouldn't break me out in a cold sweat... .long, long ago.

I think I have PTSD.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!