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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: My situation  (Read 436 times)
Seattlemama

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: divorced
Posts: 3


« on: March 20, 2015, 03:13:27 AM »

I tried to study up on all the abbreviations and will do my best, but I make no promises on getting them yet!

My uBPD xhusband and I split up 4+ years ago (December 9, 2013 -- 2 days before my birthday).  We didn't officially get divorced until last September.  It took all that time to figure out how to file for bankruptcy (we were $65k in debt due to his huge need for retail therapy), deal with the house we bought together in 2008 (first re-finance, heading toward foreclosure and just 2 weeks ago sold it and paid off the mortgage company).  We had D11 and D8 which is the reason I am pursuing learning more. 

D11's therapist suggested that I look up BPD as she saw signs of it.  It fits.  Trust is a never ending game with him.  I describe it as the trust wagon and it is always unclear when I will be on it and when I've fallen off.  His rages can be over nothing, a perceived slight, the fact that I wasn't answer his communication as quickly as he needed me to.  So many stories (the most recent involved him refusing to sign every single time in the 4 rounds of paperwork needed so we could sell the house.  Each time he eventually signed it, but it was so exhausting to have to engage with him in his world of deep suspicion, resentment and anger.

I have taken a year long course on DBT and have learned how to respond to get something (signatures in this case) from him but it takes a huge emotional toll.  It still hurts the things he says to me.  His reason for not signing was that I am not willing to move to where he is (he was the one who moved away) and allow him to actually co-parent his children.  He moved 2 started away.  We do have to move at the end of June and find something I can vaguely afford, but the distance is actually a tremendous relief.

I am worried about my kids and how they process their dad and his poor emotion regulation. D11 is a caretaker and D8 doesn't really know how to even process that her dad is far away, much less his depression, mood swings, and the victim card that he uses to bully people around him. 

I am truly exhausted and now we are onto summer planning.  According to parenting plan, he has the girls from June 21-August 14.  A month ago he informed that he couldn't take them at all.  I am talking to him next Monday and am trying to get my boundaries in place before then... .
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livednlearned
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 12731



« Reply #1 on: March 20, 2015, 07:57:09 AM »

Hi Seattlemama,

It says a lot that you were willing to take a year-long DBT course and try to understand BPD as best you can. I do think it makes a big difference. BPD relationships do take a big toll, and its very difficult when there are kids involved. You are doing a lot to help stabilize them, despite your own exhaustion and what you've been through. I know how tiring that can be, and I admire what you've been able to do to hold things together.

About your ex moving away and then demanding you move to be closer so he can coparent the kids... .meanwhile telling you he can't see them. Where do you sit with this? Do you feel guilty for not moving closer? The "I hate you, don't leave me" version of co-parenting seems to be "I can't spend time with the kids, work harder to make it so I can see them" or something like that. There is so much emotional turbulence and shame cycling, and unstable ways of responding to volatile emotions. Your ex may know he is not healthy, but wants them, but knows he is not healthy, but wants them. In the end, it is much easier to cancel and not see the kids, and to blame someone else for the problem (you). If you do move, it is unlikely he will be able to co-parent in any stable way, although this does not mean there is no point, just that it will not necessarily resolve the main issue, which is how to help the kids develop emotional resilience with a disordered parent.

We have Lesson 5 to the right in the sidebar -------> about raising resilient kids when a parent has BPD. It has some good material that may be useful. I think what many of us are going for is to really understand what it means to be emotionally resilient. To me, the main thing S13 has had to learn is healthy self-soothing, and that he can handle negative feelings, and also to give him the confidence that he can solve his own problems. What made a huge difference for him is that I was in therapy piecing together what "healthy" looked like, so similar to what you're doing. We did experience a setback during the beginning of the teen years, and I suspect S13 may have a sensitive genotype or some kind of epigenetic predisposition toward being like his dad. Fortunately, for now at least, he is managing. I've made this our #1 priority -- everything comes a distant second. The biggest challenge is to let him experience negative emotions and for me to get out of the way, and let him discover that he is capable and resilient, and can handle this stuff on his own.

I'm glad you found the site. You're not alone  Smiling (click to insert in post)

LnL

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tjay933
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 259



« Reply #2 on: March 20, 2015, 11:55:00 AM »

hey seattlemama,

welcome to the family. 

you can really be proud of yourself for all the work you've done for yourself and your Ds. Good job on that.

did your D11 T see signs of it in her or your h?

mine would also rage over any "perception" of wrong on my part so I can totally relate to that. it can be very exhausting. I also get conflicting info from mine-one day the sky is blue the next, well why can't I see it is green not blue? I find that with any change, his go to response it to explode regardless of what it is. after a while, he flips to it being his idea and great at that. perhaps by Monday he will have forgotten that he "can't do it" and will think you are asking him not to?

keep us updated and the suggestion about the lesson will help too-going to  look that one up myself

stay safe 
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NorthernGirl
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: married
Posts: 1030



« Reply #3 on: March 20, 2015, 01:21:20 PM »

Hi Seattlemama and let me join the others in welcoming you here! 

I'll echo the comments you've already heard about the hard work you have already put in. It shows you have put effort in.

You'll find lots of information and tools here that can help you. Especially the lessons that can help you as you raise your kids. The kids will already know something isn't quite right but you may not realize the coping mechanisms they have put in place. The more you learn here, the more you can help them.

Keep reading and posting. You'll find lots of help here for your journey. 
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Seattlemama

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: divorced
Posts: 3


« Reply #4 on: June 04, 2016, 10:58:14 PM »

This is me responding again after a really long time away.  I had to move and then I started working full time.  I am working my way back to self-care and this site seems to be a good place to learn and engage.

The girls' dad did end up taking the girls for that summer.  D now 13 and D almost 10 are still learning and navigating through their dad's issues.  He had moved away to be with a new woman and that relationship ended and he moved back last November to Seattle.  It has been an interesting transition.  The girls typically spend time with him on the weekends.  I am struggling with whether it is OK to have them there as he is very depressed right now.  D9 is having a hard time being there.  She ends up crying most weekends, it sounds like.  But she is also the queen of hyperbole, so I struggle with what is the best thing to do... .

I am going to read Lesson 5.

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livednlearned
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 12731



« Reply #5 on: June 05, 2016, 10:26:16 AM »

Welcome back  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Do the girls stay for the whole weekend including overnights? My S14 did better with short visits, about 3 or 4 hours long. Overnights were a strain for both of them (an understatement).

Depression is difficult to be around. Do the girls talk about what they do? How they feel about his depression?

Hyperbole in a child can be a sign she is highly sensitive and may need buckets of validation. She may also feel helpless and will need help learning how to develop agency in a situation where she may feel she has none. I found the Lundberg's book, "You Don't Have to Make Everything All Better" to be really helpful, especially the validating questions.

What kind of custody arrangement is in place at the moment?
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