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Author Topic: Temporary Separation - does it help?  (Read 481 times)
Crumbling
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« on: March 20, 2015, 08:22:51 AM »

My T has asked me to consider that I may not be accepting the reality of my r/s with my BPDh, for what it is.  I'm really stubborn about not walking away from this r/s totally.  Divorce is a four letter word in my books (at this point in my life, anyway).  It's like that pill they used to give soldiers to take if they got caught by the enemies, only used when there is no other hope.

But, last night, I caught myself pursuing the ":)eciding" board, for the first time and I realized I really have to make some sort of concrete decision on how to make things better.  Instead of clinging to hope and maybes.

Earlier this week, I got a job offer from the employer I had last summer, it's a promotion.  A big step up from my last position.  H could not have been more miserable.  For an entire day, he harped about how I could do better, how I'd be better off working in the city vs the tourist town. (They are equal distance from our home, but in opposite directions.) Then he really got on about the price of gas and how it was going to cost us an arm and a leg to both drive in opposite directions. 

Not once did he recognized the promotional aspect of the offer.  Not once did he even congratulate me for finally getting full time work, or for getting a substantial raise.  By supper time, I'd had enough, ready to pull out my hair.  I told him not to worry about it, I would get room and board in the tourist town and it would solve all our problems.

Of course, this changed his attitude 180 degrees... .within minutes he is saying all the 'right things' and apologizing for his negativity.  The distance the day had put between us was too much and I really didn't fall for anything that he was saying.  I just called up the picture of me enjoying the warm summer breeze, sun on my skin having lunch while the ocean waves tickle my toes and the seagulls serenade me everytime he would bring the subject back up.  Hang on to your goals at all costs, right?

He jumps back and forth like this all the time.  Yesterday was another example.  Someone offered us a new-to-us chair.  He said he wanted it, then went on and on for hours, yes hours, about the work involved in getting it home, and the disruption of moving furniture around, and how we wouldn't have the room... .

I wanted the chair FOR HIM because I knew it was the closest thing to the old chair he had when I met him, that he let go of when we moved.  He has said many times he regretted getting rid of that chair.  I thought this could be a bit of a redemption moment, which is why I suggested we take it. 

He complaining got so bad that part way through changing things around in the LR, I had to stop, go to my room, and just cry.  When I came back out, and he said, what the hell is your problem, I told him I had to stop and mourn those times in my life when things were easy, when a gift meant joy and happiness.  I don't get to have those moments anymore, I miss them, and yes, cry for the loss of them.

It only changed things for about half an hour, that time, then he was back to seeing the world (i.e. me-this was my fault, I 'asked' him if he wanted the chair) as black.

These are the facts about our r/s.  This is the way he is.  He can try to make an effort to stay positive, but it is short lived and fleeting.  My psyche, or whatever you want to call it, does not do will when I'm around him.  I don't do well around this type of negativity, I don't know who would.

This idea of getting room and board in the tourist town is something I am strongly considering.  I don't know how it would work, I don't know if I could have the confidence in us to not talk/see him for days then come together on weekends like everything is normal.  I don't know if this would help things or make them better.

I know it would help me focus on me, which is something I am absolutely certain of.  It's happened before.  He gets out of my hair, and creativity and energy start to flow through me with great results.  My focus right now, is re-building me.  This option would work well to achieve this goal.  But what will it do to our r/s?  Could we survive this?

Has anyone here had a separation of this sort, where the ties still bind, but geographically, you are apart?  I've read some posts where the separation has led to a greater distance between the two partners involved, but I'm yet to find one that says this step helped.  Please point me in the right direction if you know of one, or share your experience here if you've been there. 

Thanks, C.

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sweetheart
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« Reply #1 on: March 20, 2015, 09:10:19 AM »

Hello Crumbling,

My situation is not the same as yours but being caught up in relentless negativity and bitterness is something I understand.

I started out here on these forums on Deciding because of the extreme nature of my h's dysregulations and in taking time out and exploring what it would look like to really leave him helped me make an informed decision to stay.

I have followed your posts and can hear that there are a lot of areas for you that are causing you unhappiness, and you are right hopes and maybes are no good, I believe they kept me in a kind of fog for a long while.

Hopes and dreams and wishes for my marriage also kept me stuck, and stopped me really looking at what I wanted and what was best for my son.

I realise I am not answering your question about separation and this is because I don't know what impact it will have on your marriage, but it sounds as though it could have a positive impact for you. And maybe at the moment this is where your focus needs to be, on want you want for you to be happier, more fulfilled, less enmeshed. Thinking in this way might also help you to stay.


"I know it would help me focus on me, which is something I am absolutely certain of.  It's happened before.  He gets out of my hair, and creativity and energy start to flow through me with great results.  My focus right now, is re-building me.  This option would work well to achieve this goal."

This piece of your post really sang out to me because it was about your wants and needs, and I know for me when I started the process of detachment from my h and started to reclaim some semblance of a life my marriage started to change. It's also worth saying my h's illness became a lot worse when I did this but it wasn't directed at me, more the outside world.

The single most important change though that has helped me stay in my marriage is RA, for me this has been life changing, it has completely altered the dynamics of our relationship. We both have much greater capacity for love because of it. I also have more compassion and understanding but less resentment, frustration and turmoil.

Your T made an intuitive call in highlighting your difficulties in accepting the reality of your situation, because for me truly accepting this illness as it is and still living your own life is at the heart of Staying. It's a very hard call Crumbling.



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Crumbling
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« Reply #2 on: March 20, 2015, 11:09:14 AM »

Thanks, Sweetheart.  Your words are really helpful. 

Radical acceptance... .sounds life changing... .

I will look into it, thanks for the tip.
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« Reply #3 on: March 20, 2015, 11:42:32 AM »

some facts (imo) about pwBPD might help. I know you know this but sometimes we "forget".

pwBPD worst fear is abandonment. separation may to him feel like abandonment. if it does, it could trigger him. that would not be beneficial to the r/s at all. pwBPD also often need, not only to know where they are in a r/s but to be reassured you are still there. a separation may make that very mirky for him. these are just some facts as I see them. you may see them differently.

I am not telling or advising you to stay or go. that is something you have to figure out for yourself. as you have already noted, it feels good when we get some space from them. do you think that if you separated for a length of time that you would want to go back-or would it break the r/s further? take some time to work on strengthening yourself first before making any definite decision. you have to decide if you are wanting to work on the r/s or leave it. there is no right or wrong answer-you are the one that has to live with whatever you decide.

imo-separating does not build the r/s with pwBPD-imo.

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« Reply #4 on: March 20, 2015, 12:59:02 PM »

For a BPD r/s I do not think real separation can help the r/s.  It may help the non by giving them time to think clearly, but certainly does trigger abandonment fears in the pwBPD that may last forever.

I read a book a while back when I was deciding called "Redemptive Divorce". It is from a Christian author, but the concept I thought was interesting.  The very short version is that you provide the pwBPD two pieces of paper.  One is a treatment plan that they commit to undertaking to help the r/s, the other is divorce application.  They can choose which they will sign, but you need them to sign one or the other.

I don't think this would work in every case, but it is something that should be in the tool box for someone who has a pwBPD who will not get treatment, but the non wants to stay.
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« Reply #5 on: March 20, 2015, 02:04:53 PM »

It sounds like the summer job with room and board away from your home will do YOU good.

The separation will help you detach from abusive patterns you are stuck in with your husband.

I'm also assuming that you will get "weekends" off, even if they are at a different time of week than normal weekends, so you can commute home regularly to spend time with him and connect with him.

What will it do to your marriage? That's more complicated. It will trigger things in your husband. Then again, just being with you will also trigger things in your husband, if you don't go!

Consider the whole push-pull dynamic with a pwBPD, which is driven by two competing fears: The fear of abandonment and the fear of engulfment. He's scared of losing himself if he lets you too close. He's scared of being alone if you go too far away. Whenever he gets ahead of one of those, the other one kicks in. So he's always either trying to pull you closer or push you farther away.

If you are in a LDR (And I recall several members here who have been in LDR's with pwBPD), he's going to spend more time trying to pull you closer.

Several members were in LDRs that seemed pretty good... .and then when their partner moved to the same town, everything blew up, with their partner pushing them away instead.

What is the longest period of time you've spent away from your H since you've gotten together with him?
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gomez_addams
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« Reply #6 on: March 20, 2015, 03:24:56 PM »

My uBPDw has been out of town for almost two months. It's been great for my mental health.

its allowed me to work on myself a bit.

Gomez
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Crumbling
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« Reply #7 on: March 20, 2015, 04:03:18 PM »

We have only ever had less than a week apart, in the ten years we have been together.  And it didn't go well.  When he came home from a trip he took alone one time, he was more distant and detached than ever before... .hum... .yes, something to think about, for sure.

I'm really worried about the abandonment issue.  I am afraid that if I were to do this, it will just push him farther away, or worse make him give up.  I think if we had regular time away from each other, even three out of seven days/week, it would make me stronger and him more appreciative maybe of the time we do have.  I don't know, just considering options. 

Radical Acceptance looks like a good way to go, based on the little I've read so far, but I don't know how much stock I should put into him taking this and running with it.  He has so much pent up emotion, I just can't see it.  But certainly looks like it will help me sort through things in my head.

The idea of presenting him two pieces of paper sounds good in theory, but, the D word makes him really flip out, and I don't know I could trust he would follow through with anything he signs anyway.  He seems to have a short attention span for pursuing anything healthy. 

This is all really helpful.  Thanks for sharing.   
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sweetheart
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« Reply #8 on: March 20, 2015, 04:50:23 PM »

Remember Crumbling RA is for you not your h.

Ironically practicing RA can also in some instances precipitate or be a catalyst for bringing the r/s to a head which has happened for my marriage.

For my marriage it brought about some profound changes for us both, that have not been easy to navigate. ( I will post an update soon and talk about this in more detail ) 
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #9 on: March 20, 2015, 05:30:32 PM »

Your concern that it won't go well if you spend time apart is valid... .however... .he can and will learn different coping methods.

You could come up with a regular schedule where you come home on your offtime, assuming that this sort of seasonal work does have days off, and perhaps come home once a week in the middle, driving home after work, spending the night, then driving back the next morning in time to start.

I expect the first week or two apart will be really hard on him, but he will find better ways to cope after that.

I don't think that the two pieces of paper is a good idea for you. Especially since I don't think you are ready for divorce right now. You can only do that kind of thing if you really mean it... .if he refuses to choose and you don't hold him to it, it will just undermine your position instead of strengthening it.
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« Reply #10 on: March 23, 2015, 12:54:15 PM »

 

Crumbling,

I did a separation... .sort of... .over the summer.  Long story.

We were in MC and family T... .

Time by myself to read... .focus... .think... .relax... .was great.

I made lots of changes in ME... .that helped me and the r/s.

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Crumbling
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« Reply #11 on: March 23, 2015, 01:33:11 PM »

An awesome friend told my the other day that if I just be who I am in the eyes of God, everything else will fall into place. 

She said it as she skipped around in her beautiful, well-loved kitchen, a perma-grin stuck on her face from the time I walked in till the time I walked out the door.  This is a woman who knows what happiness feels like, and man, was it good to be around her!  It helps so much to be around happy people!  I highly recommend it, and as often as necessary.

I've made a big list of things that I would need to work on, daily, if life can resemble anything like reasonably happy where I am right now.  My perspective has seem to have made a complete shift since then.  I came down the stairs this morning and my first thought was 'How would it feel to not wake up in this house every morning?'

I won't fully leave my H, my home, my life here.  It's the foundation I've been needing in my life for a very long time.  It's my corner of the world, and there is no where else I want to be - permanently.  I gain a lot by not destroying all that we have here, as little as it seems like sometimes, it is truly everything to me right now.

It could be my knee-jerk reaction to run the other way when challenged maybe, but I am really leaning towards opting to take a time out for me.  Time to work on my crafts, to be around other people, to heal.  I am going to be who I am in God's eyes, and if I need time/space from H to figure that out, so be it, right?  Everything else should just fall into place after that, right? 

... .sigh... .it's so easy to be brave in words, isn't it? The reality of living it thru, if I'm to be honest, is a real scary thought. 

Thanks for all your comments.   

And it's good to hear that others have been helped by doing this. 
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« Reply #12 on: March 23, 2015, 02:37:10 PM »

An awesome friend told my the other day that if I just be who I am in the eyes of God, everything else will fall into place. 

That is a good word and I agree.

I haven't had that many times where God has spoken directly into my life, but just before a foreseeable dysregulation was coming, He clear said to me "don't look at the storm, just look at me."  That has been very helpful in those times when it seems like there is nothing but storm.
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