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Author Topic: Validating the "golden child"  (Read 462 times)
Notwendy
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« on: March 20, 2015, 09:40:33 AM »

My H has a high need for being validated ( don't we all) and the way he went about it in his family is by being the all-perfect golden child rescuing everyone and saving the day. I am not kidding when I say that his family believes he can walk on water and treats him as such.

His family is also very covert and passive agressive, and tends to be indirect with how they do things. For instance, people do not indicate what they want someone to do, rather, they manipulate people into doing it. Although my mother can be manipulative, she was by comparison straightforward- "do this or I will get angry". My own preference is to be straightforward with people, however, this feels uncomfortable and even agressive to my H.

My H has expressed that he sometimes does things in secret- maybe nice things, but doesn't tell me so that when I find out, I can be surprised, and admire him for that.  However, even though this is with good intentions, he has also done some not so great secret things behind my back, leading me to mistrust things done in secret in general. My discomfort with this is seen by him as invalidating.  Also, I don't like to be "set up" to admire somebody. It just feels manipulative to me.

To add to this is the relative positions in our families. The scapegoat is often the truth teller in the family, the one not likely to believe the family lie that everything is OK, while the golden child is painted white and so paints the family white. The scapegoat isn't likely to go along with the admiration of the golden child. This is evident in my H's family where the scapegoat sibling stays away from him and isn't around when he visits. I can understand this as it is probably painful to see the family pay such attention to him. In addition, I am the black child/scapegoat  in my family, so I am triggered by the star treatment the golden child gets.

This sets up a paradox in my marriage. My H will behave like he did in his family to get validation, and I will not respond positively to that behavior since I don't like it. This puts me in the position of being able to trigger my H's feelings of rejection- which he does with me since I am his intimate partner- so I can easily set off his "I'm defective, rejected feelings in him when I don't fall into the golden child routine.

So, my task is to reinforce healthy behavior ( for both of us) and not reinforce the maladaptive ones. Any suggestions from people who have delt with this would be helpful. This is a hard one because my H is a hero at work and to his family. I think it's fine for him to be a hero at home, but I don't want to play the roles on the drama triangle in response to this. I want to show him that I am grateful for his efforts to be a responsible and loving husband to me and the kids. I also have to be careful about my own triggers about the golden child.

Thanks




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Cat21
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« Reply #1 on: March 20, 2015, 10:53:12 AM »

Interesting, NotWendy. Although my situation isn't exactly like yours, my H's FOO has a similar dynamic, but with this older sister. She is a narcissist, and the entire family (my H included) does as she says, thinks she's right about most things, and takes their cues from her in general. We've been married for almost 6 years, and thankfully, things have SLOWLY started changing between my H and his sister, but I fear it's a lifelong process.

I've been thinking about this family dynamic a lot, as I am 5 months pregnant. His sister has (as I suspected) attempted to butt into our private life and has made disparaging remarks about decisions we have made as a family, and of course, showers us with unsolicited advice about parenting. The more I see the way she manipulates my H, the more I wonder if his behavior (what I've thought is BPD or something similar) is actually a slight imitation of her behaviors.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #2 on: March 20, 2015, 11:45:11 AM »

It's frustrating to watch the family dysfunction, however, I also keep in mind that this is his stuff to deal with. You can, however, decide what to do about sister in law intruding on you. I try to stay out of how my H relates to his family, although observing it helps me to understand some of his behaviors and how this relates to me.

I also look at all the family members. If you google dysfunctional families, you can see who fits into the various roles... .scapegoat, hero, lost child. Also kids growing up in the same family can vary in how much it affects them. It depends on a lot of factors. Some kids are more resilient or vulnerable than the others. So one can be very much affected and others not so much. I haven't considered them immitating each other as much as just how they play out their role in the family and how the dynamics affected them.

The patterns in my family are obvious to me. Since my H has painted his family white, and on the surface they look so much more functional than mine, I didn't see it at first.  However, over time, some of his siblings have had unstable relationships and in general people have been less on their best behaviors with me over time, so the dysfunction as played itself out.
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #3 on: March 20, 2015, 01:29:19 PM »

The golden child was validated for everything they did, valid, or invalid, and expects validation for everything they do.

If you behave well, which would mean not validating the invalid, it goes up against his entitled expectations for constant validation.

I don't see any way to change that expectation without breaking a few eggshells.

Our lessons about not being invalidating aren't really about NEVER invalidating a person--there are things that need to be said and done which are invalidating. Instead, the lessons (like not JADEing) are all about changing your habits, because you used to do invalidating things on autopilot, without noticing them, and causing unneeded chaos and drama in your relationship when it triggered a bad response!

The other thing you can do is try to move your validation to a deeper level--he is used to and expects validation of his behavior "You are awesome, you did the right thing, etc."

Instead validate how he actually feels when you see it. Perhaps he feels inadequate, instead of feeling like he really does walk on water.

If he is behaving badly... .and told that he's wonderful while he's doing it... .at a deeper level, he knows better, and is probably feeling invalidated at the same time. Majorly confusing for him, I'm sure, especially if he ever starts examining his feelings on a deeper level!
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #4 on: March 20, 2015, 01:46:25 PM »

The golden child was validated for everything they did, valid, or invalid, and expects validation for everything they do.

I think that is an overgeneralization. I was the golden child when I was a kid. I wasn't constantly validated. If I didn't bring home straight A's, I would catch hell. If I didn't take out the trash the minute mom said jump, I would get an ear full. Maybe I am misunderstanding what it is to be the golden child. I was the family favorite. There is no denying that.

I don't think this is an issue because of being the golden child. I think this is an issue related to BPD. My husband wasn't the golden child in his family. That was his brother. My husband craves validation for anything and everything that he does. If I don't thank him for doing something that a normal person does as part of routine stuff, he will make sure to point it out over and over again until I thank him and praise him for it. I try to sincerely thank him for things that he does. I don't know what more one could do than offer sincere gratitude when it is warranted.
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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #5 on: March 20, 2015, 02:28:38 PM »

I don't think this is an issue because of being the golden child. I think this is an issue related to BPD. My husband wasn't the golden child in his family. That was his brother. My husband craves validation for anything and everything that he does.

True dat. The issue is the BPD/NPD driven sense of entitlement... .however it got into him, golden child, scapegoat, or whatever. Not every pwBPD is instilled with it, but some sure are! (My wife was never like that, for example)
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Notwendy
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« Reply #6 on: March 20, 2015, 02:30:06 PM »

Vortex and GK are both right. GK describes what happens. Vortex describes how it feels.

"The golden child was validated for everything they did, valid, or invalid, and expects validation for everything they do." Yes.

However, Vortex describes how it feels because nobody is perfect and being validated like that makes you feel deeply invalidated as they are not validating who you are, just their projections of the selves they want to see on to you. They are validating your false self, not you and this is invalidating.

So my H developed a way of "being bad" while looking good. He won't admit to doing something that might make me upset, so he does it behind my back hoping I don't find out. Then if I do, he wraps it into something good, and expects me to validate that.

When he told me he has saved money for a rainy day fund, he later said he expected me to tell him what a great responsible guy he is. Yes, however, he also uses it as his secret account to buy what he wants and he didn't tell me about it in the first place. However, he is in general a responsible person with money, thankfully, and I can validate him for that. Ironically, had we spoken about any of this up front, I would have agreed that he should have a personal spending fund. He does work hard, I appreciate it.

His mom is the martyr type. You are supposed to sacrifice all your needs for the family. I think my H has conflicting feelings about being seen as the responsible provider who is sacrificing himself for the family. Yet, he wants his own things too. This goes against the image he likes, so he makes some money decisions behind my back. So he denies himself and then works up a resentment and then goes and buys a bunch of stuff. He feels entitled to not tell me, which may be what he is doing and it may be the case that he should not feel he has to, however, communicating his feelings would at least let me know what is going on. Then when I get upset about the behind the back behavior- he then combines it with his being the provider into one big thing and claims that I don't appreciate his working so hard - so turns it all into one big invalidation.

The irony of it all is that he would have what he wanted ( within the budget)  if he would just say it- and if he could just be who he is- a man who cares for his family and who wants things too. Someone who does good and then isn't perfect. I want to validate him for being real if that is possible. I think GK's suggestions of validating feelings is a good way.

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Grey Kitty
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« Reply #7 on: March 20, 2015, 03:02:47 PM »

I remember the "game" my wife used to play. She acknowledged it to me first... .if I tried to point it out to her, it probably wouldn't have gone well.

She would play martyr and sacrifice something for me... .unasked, undiscussed... .then feel like she was owed something back for her sacrifice. We took to calling it "martyr points" As in she would do something and earn martyr points... .which she then expected me to redeem, by giving her what she wanted... .also without asking or discussing it.

Needless to say, this didn't go very well most of the time!
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Notwendy
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« Reply #8 on: March 20, 2015, 03:12:03 PM »

I think you got it. My H does that. He will work hard, sacrifice something, and then feel entitled to something for his sacrifice. Sometimes I don't even know what is going on.



I am appreciative for his working so hard, but it seems that this is the justification for other issues.
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vortex of confusion
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« Reply #9 on: March 20, 2015, 05:41:24 PM »

I think you got it. My H does that. He will work hard, sacrifice something, and then feel entitled to something for his sacrifice. Sometimes I don't even know what is going on.

I am appreciative for his working so hard, but it seems that this is the justification for other issues.

It is difficult to figure out what is going on. Yesterday, he took the cars in for an oil change. He spent the rest of the day playing games and sleeping. He does one small thing and that entitles him to do nothing. If I try to say anything, he will talk in circles and act confused like he has no idea what I am talking about.

If I get something or the kids get something, he has to get something too.
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waverider
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« Reply #10 on: March 20, 2015, 07:04:39 PM »

Notwendy your opening post describes our dynamics. It took me a while to see that the FOO were nowhere as golden as they portrayed. Now my partner can see it too, and feels betrayed by having thought they were. This has increased her loss of identity as she is no longer a sales rep for the model family.

She had a flaky foundation to start with, which has now been exposed as simply smoke and mirrors. No wonder she has no idea what her values are. Someone with a low sense of sense will not want to let let this illusion go as without it they have no self to hang their beliefs on. So the golden image is clung onto and defended fiercely.

Now she is like that whistle blower you talk about. She cant stand being in the company of her siblings who keep waving the family flag.

The trap I am stuck in is constantly being exposed to the triangulation against her FOO, which is even harder to stay out as I already have my own formed view of them. So it is hard to stay neutral.
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« Reply #11 on: March 20, 2015, 08:26:54 PM »

He does one small thing and that entitles him to do nothing.

Oh, yes, I empathize with this statement.  People often comment that my husband does nothing to help me with my home business, the children, or anything else.  This is not entirely true ... .Every once in a while he will work real hard for a day or two.  But then he will bathe himself in the glory of his accomplishment for weeks and feel entitled to stay in bed watching TV or go fishing the entire time.  When curious people ask me what he does (for a living, etc.), I am embarrassed.  His laziness has cost him two careers, loses for which he blames me, of course.  But that is another post entirely.  
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