Searching for help myself~

[Jackiec]

Hi all,

I am from the Netherlands. I am not sure if this is the correct board to put it, but the moderator will move my topic to the correct board if not. Thanks in advance.

As said, I am from the Netherlands.  My current situation with my girlfriend or consider as my girlfriend is not very bright. The situation is complicated. You can find part of the story in my first post in the staying section. But that is not the point of why I am posting a new topic. I am looking for help for myself for a while now and I cannot find any. last year, I took part in a course for family members, relatives and friends. Basically for those who are close to someone with BPD. That helped a bit during that period, but that is not sufficient enough for me now.

I have been self diagnosing myself lately. Not totally out of the blue and not without going over my own daily life for weeks and doing online testing and reading carefully well about what I got from the tests. Also talked to my friends, who knows more about my current situation.

My diagnose from tests I did was

Highly depressed

separation anxiety

Highly paranoid

Highly dependent (clingy)

Highly borderline (considering the situation, I don't blame the test, but kind of disrespectful to people who does has it)

Antisocial

Some of the points, I agree and I am aware of. Some I just find it distasteful.

●My daily life is working too much, but can't focus too well. I sport a lot and maybe in an unhealthy way, because that is the only moment I can get my head stop from spinning or overloading. I eat not too well, but enough not to get ill or starve to death.

●I don't sleep well. When I do sleep, I sleep for few hours (3 to 5 hours).When I do sleep for more than 5 hours, I don't feel recharged.

●I am agitated by my surrounding very fast.

●I can't stay home, because my temporary living situation at my parent's business. I am currently negotiating with real estate agent to buy a house. Because of my current living condition I can't stay home as I don't feel that I have my privacy.  My weekends are on the road driving to nowhere or spend at friends house doing nothing productive or able to relax.

●I don't really feel doing something fun, because spending time with my gf is the only thing I really want and that I enjoy.

●I don't actually want to be at my friends, because I don't want to make them feel like I am a burden.

●I think of my girlfriend quite a lot. The day starts and end with thinking about her.

●I don't enjoy spending too much time with my colleagues, because I am afraid I will spill out my private issues

●I feel anxious all the time and feel that I have to run away all the time.

●The thought of harming myself is sometimes overwhelming, even thou I haven't done any of that and not planning to. I prohibit myself in participating in weapon sport or learning to handle a motorbike at the moment. Because I am afraid that I will do something very stupid when I feel overwhelmed with pain.

●I think a lot of the time that I am losing my girlfriend and I am losing my friends due to our current situation.

●I am running away from my parent, because they don't know about my girlfriend condition and they will not understand (trust me on this one, it is a cultural thingy, and I will end up writing a book, before I can stop writing this part).

All in all, I am in trouble myself. I am wondering if there are courses or institutions  in the Netherlands that I can knock on their door for help. I am searching for therapists who are experienced in the field of BPD and is active in helping people who are troubled closed to the people with BPD.

I have tried to find help with my physician lastyear and he directed me to first-line help who diagnosed me with autism without any proof or any ground to make that assumption. I gave that therapist the finger in my mind.

Another thing is that I have not mentioned the diagnoses I have to my girlfriend and I don't think it is of any relevance, since this is just online tests, especially that borderline part. I don't want to be disrespectful toward her or the people who are really diagnosed with the condition. I don't know how to bring this up and how to tell her and when to tell her these things. I am afraid that she will feel guilty and do harmful things to herself. I don't want any of this for her.

Please, if there are any Dutch people here on the board or people who knows anything about the help I can find or have advise for me. Your help is very welcome.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[123Phoebe]

Hi Jackiec   Finding the right therapist to help you sort through all of this sure would be nice... . 

I have tried to find help with my physician lastyear and he directed me to first-line help who diagnosed me with autism without any proof or any ground to make that assumption. I gave that therapist the finger in my mind.

, sounds like you're pretty good at knowing what kind of help you don't need!  Love the visual

The Lessons (provided to the right of this screen) hold all kinds of valuable information.  They're right here at our fingertips, yay!  It's a lot to absorb, so it's sometimes best to take it slowly... .  If a good T isn't readily available, the Lessons will surely help in the interim of finding one

How are you today?  Have you done anything nice for yourself?

[waverider]

It sounds like you need some mindfullness skills to help you focus in the moment rather than having everything gatecrashing the moment stopping you from focusing on what is important to the now. This creates a chaos so that you can't develop structure to move forward, and so you get overwhelmed and depressed.

Regular contributions here will go a long way to winding down the spring in your mind. You cant address everything at once, but identifying priorities is a good start.

Dealing with BPD is very much like dealing with drug addiction issues, you can't give it up, you can't understand it, you can't stop the consequences and that leaves you feeling guilty, a failure. You cover it up, make excuses, and that makes the sense of hopelessness worse.

Having a good therapist when in crisis is good. It is also important to have an understanding peer group you can turn to at any time of day or night is important. that is the role of these forums.

it is a slow unpeeling of your issues, there is no quick fix

[Jackiec]

Hi 123Phoebe

I hadn't had the time to do something fun myself, cause I had to run a gaming tournament yesterday and I really had to do administration today. But I had time to read through some parts of the first lesson offered here. So, you can say I had a productive night so far. Yeah, when I think about that session, I still laugh about it. I have my issues, God knows how many, but I don't need people to start making diagnoses of me base on empty ground.

@waverider,

Mindfulness is indeed one of the things I need. I need a lot more of tools, but definitely also mindfulness. I am trying hard to keep focus on the things happening to me now. Even if it is lacking, I am doing the best I can, because if I ever get fired, I will go insane. By then, I wouldn't be able to do a thing at all or of use to anyone. I do have a little better grip on my weakness nowadays and realise how breakable I am. But I lack the ability to pull myself out of this piece of hell. It is hard for me to admit it, because to the outer world I am a example many should look up to and follow. That is at least a lot of associates keep saying to me. Even thou, they don't know my daily struggle.

[waverider]

The "hidden' aspect of BPD is one of the greatest barriers to getting help or recognition. this is probably draws must of us together here. as no one else seems to get it. Even professionals who dont have it intertwined with themselves personally can not completely empathize, at is is like a whole lot of smoke and mirrors. Kind of everywhere permating everything and hard to describe.

[Jackiec]

How can I give her an insight on the problem I am dealing with without making her feeling like it is all her fault?

Concerning the recognition part. Will that ever change, in your opinion? Or will this always be a struggle or never happen at all? I mean I can understand and I have the patient if the recognition is not immediate or in short term, but it is a big thing for me and I do want the recognition eventually. I would want to know if I should wait for her to come forward to me or am I waiting indefinitely for a train that will never arrives at destination.

[waverider]

Whether she will ever be open to accepting or dealing with her issues is the big unknown.

In my case it arouse because I cut off her ability to project her issues onto to me. That left her holding them, and desperate to find alternatives to cope with them. She couldn't blame me, she wont blame herself then a "disorder" was a third party to blame.

Introducing the disorder and its various traits as an outside influence enabled us to be on the same side dealing with it. In reality you can't separate the person from the disorder as it forms part of  who they are, but as a tool for acceptance it is handy. pwBPD need to believe someone/something is wholly to blame. This is simply a way around their instinctive defense resistance to potential blame.

Then it still will not be easy from there, as once their is acceptance that a lot of the dramas that were blamed on the world are actually down to her own behaviors, added to the knowledge they don't know how to fix it, can cause feelings of utter failure.

It is possible to make great strides by working better ways to interact with each other even if the disordered thinking never goes away.

[Jackiec]

My question back to you is how do you cut that projection off? Without she running away from you

[calmhope]

In my case it arouse because I cut off her ability to project her issues onto to me. That left her holding them, and desperate to find alternatives to cope with them. She couldn't blame me, she wont blame herself then a "disorder" was a third party to blame.

Hello! Like Jackiec, I am very interested in any insights you can share about cutting off your partner's ability to project her issues on you, waverider. That sounds like the best possible outcome I could hope for in my case. I will be skimming through some of you posts to see if you've posted about this in depth already!

[waverider]

Not reacting to dramas, not engaging in pointless circular discussions, use of boundaries. In fact most of the tools recommended on this site. You simply stop playing the drama game. It is by playing the drama that the chaos is spread to you.

By making you angry and reactive she has shared and ultimately passed on the anger to you. she can happily slip into victim mode while you are pulling your hair out  "persecuting" her (in her mind).

There is no one quick tool, just the result of working away at it bit by bit you will find your perspective and personality will change. You will find your own center, and you will either be able to make the RS work or you wont want to. That will become your clear choice rather than just applying random band aids in a futile attempt to stop the hemorrhaging.

If she runs away, that is her choice you can't stop that. But where is she going to run to?

[Jackiec]

Thanks for your advise. I can really use it. I mean it just had occurred the last few times for me and my gf that I don't react to the drama she is making around me (even thou it was hard, it ends better then when I did react to it), and it is hard work mentally for me. As I am a very practical person. When things is not right in my situation, I tend to just work it out (even when it is hard or slow), but I will take on the challenge and solve the problem at hand. I tend to give a practical spin to all my problems.

Which is I think is totally impractical for my gf. She needs the encouragement and positive attitude from my side, but also be able to give her the space to do and solve it herself. Hard for me to stand on the side-line, especially when she is making certain situation from bad to worse and she could use the help. I don't know how to prevent this from happening without jumping in myself immediately and solve it. I mean, it has effect on me as well, as she keeps making drama over the fact about the problem that could goes for months, because she does not take any action to solve it. What to do?

[waverider]

A Story from Formflier about what happens when logic meets BPD

Love and BPD - it's no contest. You can't win.  

You can only change, YOURSELF.

I think your opinion will change... .with faithful use of lessons, some appropriate detaching from the situation to be objective and help make good choices.  

I'll share a story that used to be commonplace in my marriage... .I sounded very much like you.

Formflier story time is in session... .(cue the movie effect... fade to years ago... .before I ever knew there was such a thing as BPD... .)

So... wife and I are out with several of our younger kids... .it's a great day.  We have some time to kill so I ask if we should stop at a McDonalds to use playland and kill some time.  We do this all the time... .happily she agrees and in we go.  We are relaxing... .having a coffee... .watching kids... reading paper.  There are group of women in their with small kids.  One lady has a baby that is several months old.

At some point my wife hears the lady call out her baby's name... .I heard it as well.  My wife's name is a bit unique... .not strange... just not common.  So... .if Susie is a common name... .the Melody would be unique.  (not actual names... just trying to describe).  Anyway... .I perk up at this.  My wife says something to her... to confirm the name... .the exchange seems pleasant.  Me... .being cludo and never having been beaten up by this particular incident before and walking towards edge of the cliff... .and I have no idea.  (movie effect time... .fade to scene of "nons" as sheep... walking towards the slaughterhouse of dysregulation... .baaaaaahhhhh... .the crowd can see this... but poor formflier... .doesn't see the danger)

Ah... .but this is hollywood... .no... .even better... .this is formflier's actual life with a pwBPD... .so the movie gets better.

Turns out... .this lady is also a militant breastfeeding type.  Shirt comes up... .no cover... .baby gets attached.  FF realizes what is going on and is conscious to avoid looking... .FF does the right thing and doesn't even get a free peek at some boobs.  He is erroneously smiling to himself (in his mind) that his wife will be pleased as his display of self control.

Well... we pack up and go and I think nothing of it until I'm asked if I know her... .I answer no... and it's not that big a deal... .yet.  (Key up the ominous music for the movie... .look outside the window and see it raining... .in fact storming and lightning... .)

It turns out that there is a separate movie playing in my wife's head.  In this movie formflier is a player... .and quite a creative person.  Turns out that formflier has been carrying on a relationship with woman and got her pregnant.  He loves kids and wanted to introduce the baby to his wife... .hence the plan to stop by McDs.  However... .formflier doesn't want the rest of the world to know this... .but loves his new child.  He loves that new child so much... and is so sneaky that he decides to name that child the same name as his wife.  So... .if ff's wife's name is Melody Sillystory... .and he names his illegitimate kid Melody... .and uses his last name on the birth certificate... then the kids name will also be Melody Sillystory.  That will allow the child to be snuck onto Tricare (government military insurance)... .with nobody being the wiser.  That formflier... .being a commander type in the military... .knows these things and knows how to manipulate the system.  He has been manipulating his wife for as long as he has known her... .but now... .due to the detective skills of his wife... .he has been busted.  Poor FF... .the plan has fallen apart.

I deny this... and summon my inner super hero... ."logical man" (key the scene of formflier jumping in a phone booth... superman style... .and emerging with a cape and a big L (for logic) on his chest... .of course the costume is tight to reveal my masculine features... .(hey... .this is my movie... .stop rolling your eyes... .)... )

Anyway... .logic man drives his wife to the nearest tricare service center (government administration place) and we look up how many people are on our insurance.  The superhero asks the technician if they can tell us how long ago someone was added or deleted.  They tell us this... .and no changes have been made in a year or so.  "Logic man" smiles to himself as they leave the building that the evil story has been squashed... .VICTORY IS HIS... . 

A quick trip through the phone booth... logic man goes away and mild mannered formflier re-emerges (with masculine features appropriate hidden now... .) and goes on about his day.

Well... .the story comes back in the middle of that evening... .logic has not worked.

And then stays hidden for months.

Comes back again... .only now my wife has found the lady on facebook and messaged her about the baby.  The lady must think my wife is nutter... .and blocks pics of her baby... .so my wife asks why.  But she knows why... .she knows I have called lady and told her to put baby in hiding... .to hide my sin.

I bring this up in counseling... .that my wife things I have a love child... .and my wife without a beat says I misunderstood... .poor formflier... .he must be the crazy one.

Formflier and wife and family move to new happy life... .all is forgotten... .or so it seemed.  When story comes back again... .logic man is brought back.  He calls and figures out a paternity test and has it set up to have him tested... .and to have one of his actual kids tested to validate the test.  

My wife wanted to go back to this state for some reason... .and I agreed to it as long as she agreed to go see this woman (she now has her address) and get a paternity test for the baby to let poor formflier off the hook.  Logic man clearly sees that if a paternity test says Melody Sillystory is not his child... .that life can return to "normal" for formflier... .the loving family man.

This plan is ignored and Logic Man decides to discuss this in marriage counseling.  Only to see his wife carefully sidestep the issue... .and declare the baby not his... .and infer that she never said it was... .but that she is sure that formflier was sleeping with the woman.  

The MC pokes and prods at the story some... .and along with some other stress that was going on... .a major dysregulation ensues... .and my wife storms out... .says she is never coming back.

I stayed and for the first time ever heard the phrase "Borderline Personality traits... "  I got the eggshells book... .and within a short time found this website.

Fastforward in time and I wrote this thread about ":)ramatic change is possible... ."

Let me just say... .I will remember all of you when I'm a bigtime movie producer... .  I'm sure my autographs will go for big money!

Anyone want to guess if I completely made up this story... .or is it real?

   

Lucky one... .YOU CAN WIN... .just don't jump in the phone booth and use "logic man"

[Jackiec]

Haha funny story if it wasn't real. I think that there are critical issues in early stage of our relationship that had past its expiration date for too long with me going in to untangle those knots and still lacking the level of capabilities to smither it before growing out of proportion. I have to live with it until there is a moment for her to talk about it with me and try starting to solve them together.

[waverider]

I think it is important to not try to stem everything at once or it creates too much pressure. Let the least critical issues just wash rather than just adding ("and one more thing" them to the wish list.

Try to think along the lines of rather than is this the "reality" response, rather is this the helpful response in the bigger picture. In other words allow them their flights of delusion at time if its not doing any harm. That is their reality and trying to take it away from them leaves them with nothing, hence they fight to hold on to it.